WATER RIGHTS, CHAPTER 1, LUKE ARRIVES

 

LUKE ARRIVES

          “YOU IN THE BARN. COME OUT NOW.”

          He wasn’t sure what to expect when he opened the barn door, but it wasn’t a giant black gelding with a rider holding a gun nonchalantly pointed in his direction.

          “I’m sorry sir,” the man said. “My truck died out on the highway and your place was the closest. I couldn’t leave my horses in the trailer, it’s too cold for that. I rode one here, trailing the other one and knocked on the house door. No one answered, so I took the liberty of letting myself in your barn so we’d be out of the cold.”

          “Who are you?”

          “My name’s Luke, Luke Berenson.”

          It was at that point a noisy tractor pulling an empty trailer came around the back of the barn. It caused both the horse and Luke to back up nervously “What in Sam-hill is going on here? I figured you’d have your horse put away and some coffee cooking by this time, Han. And, who the fuck are you mister?”

          “I was just telling your son my name’s Luke Berenson and my truck broke down on the highway. I couldn’t leave my horses there to freeze, so we came here looking for some shelter. I did knock at the house but there was no answer.”

          “Well, that’s because we was out making sure the cattle in the meadow are doing okay. Have to make sure the trough water doesn't freeze and threw out some hay for them. Anyway, you’re welcome to some shelter. And, c’mon up to the house once you get your horses situated. I’ll put the coffee on Han, while you take care of Onyx.”

          Luke watched as Han put the rifle back into the scabbard attached to the saddle. He was surprised to find the horseback rider, Han, wasn’t all that big once his feet hit the ground. He looked huge up on the horse, but he wasn’t as tall as Luke. Maybe the gun made him seem bigger. “Well, c’mon with me and let’s see about getting your horses taken care of.”

          Inside the barn, Luke was directed to two empty stalls and told to put his animals in there and to make sure they had water, hay and some grain. Jesus Christ Luke thought. Does this Han think I’m fucking stupid or something and have never taken care of my horses before? But he complied with the directions and then waited while the boy took care of Onyx. Luke attempted some conversation, but soon gave up when all he received were single-word responses. Then, they walked together to the house. Again, Luke was surprised by the boy’s ability to take long quick steps. He almost had to trot to keep up.

          In the warm mudroom of the house they removed their boots and outerwear. That’s when Luke noticed the huge braid of golden reddish-brown hair that fell down the boy’s back. It had either been under the hat or beneath his coat. Luke thought the boy’s friends must give him a really hard time about his hair.

The mudroom opened directly into a large kitchen. There were huge windows on two sides of the room which allowed for views down into the barnyard as well as far down the valley. The appliances, cupboards and countertops looked fairly new and very well-kept. The big table in the middle of the kitchen was huge and old and had seen many years of many meals taken on its top. Luke wondered if any of the gouges or nicks had tales to go with them and bet there were more than a few.

“Hannah,” the old man said, “I think I ‘d like to have something to eat now. How about some scrambled eggs and toast with some of those Irish potatoes you froze?”

When Luke heard Hannah, he realized what he’d thought was a boy was actually a girl. He turned his attention to her and aside from the thick long braid, there was nothing to suggest there were any female parts beneath the big shirt and pants. He wondered how old she was. Luke watched her closely while she moved around the kitchen. He decided she couldn’t be all that old, maybe 14 or 15, but she was graceful and economical in her movements.

By the time Hannah finished cooking and putting food on the table, Luke realized he was hungry too. She had put three place settings on the table, one in front of him, so Luke assumed he was welcome to eat as well.

“I’m sorry sir, but I didn’t catch your name or that of your daughter.”

“Oh well for Christ’s sake, I’ve lost my manners. My name’s Thomas Wakefield and this is my granddaughter Hannah. I own this spread although it’s just about to the point where it’s way too much work for Han and me.”

“Don’t you have any hired hands?”  Luke asked.

“We usually have a few in the summer and fall, maybe spring too depending on how big the herd’s become, but no one wants to be working way out here during the winter. It’s cold and nasty. If’n I was young, I wouldn’t try to get myself a job way out here when the snow flies.”

“Does that mean you could use a good hand with his own horses?”

“Well, now maybe, depending on how much you want to be earning.”

“Room and board and a few bucks so I can get my truck fixed. I usually do the rodeo circuit, but have had nothing but bad luck this year. To be perfectly honest, I’m down to my last couple of bucks.”

“Well, okay,” Thomas said. “Soon as we finish off this food, we’ll take the tractor out and haul your truck back. Han’s a pretty good mechanic. Maybe she can figure out your problem and fix it. Might cost you nothing at all.”

By this time, Luke was sure there was something wrong with the granddaughter, but he wasn’t going to say anything. She’d barely spoken two words all through breakfast. She kept her eyes on her plate and didn’t look up or act interested even when Thomas said she was a good mechanic. Luke hoped she wasn’t too good since he’d made the problem with his truck himself. It had seemed like the best idea at the time in order to have a way in to this house, but he wouldn’t last long if she discovered what he’d done to make the truck inoperable. He’d have to work on it himself before she got there and replace the fuses he’d removed.

When Thomas told Luke to get ready to go get his truck, Hannah fussed over her grandfather. “Gramps, you aren’t going back out into the cold. You’re going to sit here and enjoy the peace and quiet and another cup of coffee. I’ll take Mr. Luke and the tractor down for his truck. You know I can do it as well as you.”

Thomas seemed to hesitate, but let Hannah push him back down into his chair. “Well, if you’re sure Han. It surely is colder than a witch’s tit out there.”

They donned their outerwear and boots in the mudroom and then went out into the cold. She led him down the small hill and through the barnyard to the shed in which the tractor was parked. Hannah detached the trailer from the tractor, heaved in a big chain and told Luke, “Get in.”

Hannah drove slowly out of the shed and started down the road to the highway. She pulled the scarf away from her mouth and said, “Thank you for being willing to help out here for a bit, that is if you are. There’s way too much for my gramps to keep up with. I am so scared this winter is going to kill him off. How long do you think you can work for gramps?”

“Is your grandfather ill?”

“Yes, sort of. He’s got a bad heart, but I can’t let him go, can’t have him go before I’m ready.”

Luke realized she had tears in her eyes and as the tractor came to a halt in front of his truck, he turned her toward him and pulled her in for a hug. He could feel the sobs shake her body, but she didn’t allow him to comfort her for long. She pulled away, wiped her eyes, turned away from Luke and said, “Thank you for that. I appreciate your sympathy, but the best idea would be for you to keep your hands to yourself. Gramps wouldn’t like it.” But maybe I liked it, Hannah thought to herself as she climbed down from the tractor. It had felt good to be held and have her back rubbed. She’d also felt something at the base of her abdomen when Luke’s smell wafted up her nose. It left her wondering.

Working together, the two of them disconnected the trailer from the truck and got the truck hitched up to the tractor. Hannah would drive the tractor and Luke would steer his truck. When they arrived back at the outbuildings, she continued with the tractor to another building with closed doors. She got down and opened the doors and pulled the tractor as close as she could and still keep it outside. She turned the tractor off, got down and met Luke as he got out of the truck and came toward her.

“We’ll have to push it into the shed from here. That way it will be out of the weather and when it’s not quite so cold, or we can bring in an electric heater if you’re in a rush, I can take a look and see if I can figure out what’s wrong. Gramps is right, I’m a pretty good mechanic.”

Between them, they got the truck inside. Luke was amazed at how strong the girl was. He thought he’d like to see her without the bulky clothes just so he could see her muscles. Based on the strength she'd exhibited, Luke thought she had to be pretty ripped when it came to her musculature.

Then, they had to return for the trailer. It couldn’t just be left on the highway or someone would probably come along and tow it away. When they got it back, Hannah drove to the off side of the big shed where another horse trailer was parked under the roof that extended out from the shed.

“We’ll have to leave it here for now.” Hannah said, “You go on to the house while I put the tractor away. I also want to check on the animals in the barn.”

“That’s okay. If you don’t mind, I’ll tag along and check on my horses as well. And, maybe you could give me some idea of what you’d like done in the barn and elsewhere. I know the orders will come from your Gramps, but it never hurts to learn as much as you can however you can.”

In the barn, Hannah went to check on Onyx and then on the only other horse that was stabled besides the two Luke brought. That horse was black as well, but seemed to be fairly old. There was a lot of silver or white hairs throughout its coat that seemed to catch the light and glow. Hannah moved from Onyx to the other horse, murmuring and stroking its head.

“This your grandpa’s horse?” Luke asked.

“Yes, this is Sampson. He’s Onyx’ father and has belonged to gramps from the time he was birthed here on the farm. Kind of like me and Onyx. I was there when he was birthed, saw him take his first steps and we bonded almost as fast as he and his mom did. I would have been bereft here if Onyx hadn’t been born just after I moved to Montana. He may have been a black colt, but he was the only light in my life then.”

“What happened?”

“Oh, pay me no nevermind. It’s just been such a hard day already and it’s not even half over. C’mon, lets head for the house and you and Gramps can talk about what he’d like you to be doing around here, that is if you’re staying. Are you staying?”

          “Yes, Hannah, I’d like to stay. It seems like you and your grandpa could use a little help just as I could. You need some muscle power and I need some money, so it should work out just fine.”

Back in the house, Hannah checked on her gramps who’d been dozing in their absence. “I’m going to get some stuff done Gramps, so why don’t you and Luke talk about what you’d like him to do. He has agreed to help us out for a bit.”

“Well, that’s just dandy, young man. You have no idea how much I appreciate the fact you’ll be stayin’ on a while. I always feel as though I’m working Han way too hard. With your help, maybe I can give her some time off to do other things she likes.”

Standing behind her grandpa, she shook her head at Luke to let him know the time off would be for her gramps and not for her. He slightly nodded and she gave him a thumbs up before disappearing down a dark hallway.

Luke and Thomas talked about Luke’s ranch experience with Thomas asking questions and Luke responding. By the time they finished, Luke had agreed to go with Thomas each morning and evening to check on the cattle out in the meadow. It wasn’t a real open meadow, but more of a bowl which kept the worst of the cold, snow and sleet from the animals. There was also a large shelter, not big enough for all of them at once, but they could move about and share the space as needed. Thomas said he’d been doing it this way for decades and had never lost an animal to the weather.

Actually, Thomas talked about how he and Luke would make those trips, but Luke already knew Thomas would be staying behind if Hannah had anything to do with it. Thomas also wanted Luke to help Hannah in the barn and to take her into town once a week to pick up supplies. Thomas said he’d been doing it, but Hannah had been getting upset about him driving her around and doing stuff he’d always done.

“Well, sir, maybe you need to look at things a bit from Hannah’s point of view. She told me you had a heart attack last year; and while she may not say anything to you, I think she’s mighty scared you’re going to overdo and end up back in the hospital.”

“That ain’t a gonna happen, I goddamn guarantee it.” Thomas snapped back. “I may be older than dirt, but I’m in good shape and don’t have any plans to go back to the hospital any time soon.”

“Maybe now that I’m here, you could ease Hannah’s mind by doing a bit less, especially when it’s so cold outside.”

“Hmmm, I’ll give it a think. Now, do you s’pose you could fill up my coffee cup again?”

They spent the rest of the afternoon talking about this and that and getting to know one another. Luke found Thomas to be a very interesting rancher who’d been born in the house and lived his entire life on the land. He envied Thomas his background and knowledge of who and what he was. Luke had never really known his own father or grandparents. His mom had had a series of men that came and went in their lives until Luke felt he was old enough to go out on his own even though he was only 16. He didn’t tell Thomas any of this because it was an embarrassment.

Hannah returned to the kitchen and began to make what Luke assumed would be dinner. “Can I give you a hand with anything?” Luke asked.

“No thank you. Granny taught me how to make this venison stew and it doesn’t take but two hands. Appreciate the offer though. Once we get it on the stove, it will be time to go check on the cattle.”

“Luke and I’ll be doin’ that,” Thomas said a bit loudly.

“No, you won’t be doin’ that, Gramps. You’re going to stay here and make sure this stew doesn’t boil over on the stove. It’ll be much quicker for me and Luke to make that little trip.”

Thomas started to get up, saying, “Now Han….”

Hannah turned from the counter and looked at Thomas. Her eyes were wide open and her chin quivered. “Please gramps. Please just humor me. Let me and Luke go to the meadow.”

“Well, if you’re gonna get all upset, fine. I’ll just stay here.” Thomas slumped back into his chair.

Hannah danced across the room, bent down to hug and kiss him. “Thank you gramps. Thank you. That makes me so happy.”

Thomas grunted, but Luke could tell he was pleased by Hannah’s attention.

The cattle were just fine and Luke was amazed at their location. It really was a little bowl surrounded by forest and small hills that kept the wind from blowing through. Then it was back to check the horses in the barn, give them some grain and hay and finally back to the house for some very tasty venison stew and fresh bread rolls.

Luke leaned back in his chair and looked at Hannah calmly eating her own dinner. She seemed to be able to do almost anything the ranch and her grandfather required. He wondered how he was supposed to get close enough to her to fulfill the job he’d actually been hired to do. Well, he thought, this was only the first day and it had seemed to go fairly well. I’ll just have to have a little patience and look for ways in which I can become indispensable to not just Thomas, but especially to Hannah.

At that point Hannah looked up. Luke smiled and winked. Hannah looked away.

SO ACCOMPLISHED???

           

Another day yesterday where I had no words that left my fingers and made sense for this post. Rather than be depressed or upset about that, I’m trying to concentrate on what I did accomplish. I pretty much finished weeding the flowerbed around the deck and water feature. I also spread two huge bags of soil amendment on top of the newly cleared soil. I have one bag to go to finish the south side of the pond and deck. Maybe I’ll get that done today if it stops raining.

I also managed to fall down again…that’s the second time in less than two weeks. This time I don’t seem to have any bruises to show for my klutzy self. I was standing at the edge of the flowerbed and had put a number of wire containers behind me on the grass. These are the ones I put around the dahlias to hold them upright. Anyway, apparently, I wasn’t paying attention, or rather I was paying attention to what was in front of me and stepped back. Boom, down I went on my butt, back and my head got a good knock too. It took me a minute or so to get up and get busy again. I also had a headache for a little bit, but it went away without any pain medication.

So, perhaps instead of thinking about staying here or moving someplace smaller, I should look into assisted living. It’s not something I want to do, but if I’m getting so elderly I cannot stay up on my own two feet, then perhaps it’s time. I’ll have to give it some thought and see if I cannot stay upright from now on. I actually think I just need to pay attention and be more aware of my surroundings, but I’ll see.

On Tuesday, I had my hair cut and Gail, my hair person, was talking about getting a new dog since Douglas had passed on a month or so ago. I jokingly told her she could have one of mine, or even both. She said it would only be fair for her to take my dogs since I took her chickens. I’m torn about sending them off to live with Gail and her husband. Part of me, the part that hates all the dog hair, Kaizer yelping and barking before it’s light outside, and I guess just the responsibility wants to pack them and their stuff and drop them at Gail’s. The other part of me doesn’t want to do that because Karma and Kaizer both each have at least one bad habit that wouldn’t make Gail happy, plus, I think I’d really miss their company, especially when they are laying with/on me on the couch. I do love their warmth and cuddles.

Oh, and I was thinking I wouldn’t leave home today, but it’s a Friday the 13^th and I need to go purchase a lottery ticket. I always say I’m going to do that because 13 is my lucky number and has had a significant impact on my entire life, and then I forget. I’m going to remember today and perhaps, just perhaps my numbers will come up and I’ll be monetarily rich…I’m already rich in many other ways and need to always remember that.

Well, I guess that’s it for today. It will soon be time to publish this post. Then, I’ll feed the doggies and put myself in the rain locker for a shower and shampoo. Clean and dressed, maybe the day won’t seem quite as dark and gray as it is right now.

TIRED AND SLEEPY DAY

           

Sheesh, but I think today (Wednesday) is a day where I have absolutely no “get up and go.” I did get up and had big plans for today, but they were cancelled and so I spent the morning on the couch with the doggies…my go done left before it even got going. Ah well, I do have days where the go can hardly keep up with me, so I shouldn’t complain about my lack of energy and initiative too very much. Perhaps now that I’m sitting at my computer, I’ll even do some work on WATER RIGHTS and begin publishing chapters…and maybe not.

Even though I’ve had a shower and shampoo, am all lotioned up and dressed, I still feel as though climbing back into my bed and hugging my pillow tight while I fall asleep would be my best response today. I think it’s probably a good thing the plans I had were cancelled because I doubt I would have been much fun if I were only barely awake and that’s how I’m feeling.

And, sorry folks, it didn’t get much better as the day progressed. I did visit the grocery store and got take out for linner, but aside from that, I was on the couch with my book(s)…finished one, started another. Maybe tomorrow will be a more creative day. And, perhaps getting out and walking, which I haven’t done once this week because my walking partner has a bad knee, does really help with feeling more energized and less sleepy.

Anyway, here’s hoping we all have a great day today.

MORE MISCELLANEA

 

Well, here I am again without a prepared post. I did work on WATER RIGHTS today, but just don’t feel comfortable enough with what I’m doing and where I’m going…or rather my characters. With SHE, she burst, or at least seemed to, fully developed into my mind and; as I’ve said before, some days I was able to pound out more than one chapter. I’m hoping as I move forward with Luke and Hannah, they will leap into my mind and practically write themselves for me as SHE did.

Meanwhile, I’ve put all of SHE into one document with the exception of the last three chapters. Once I add those, then I’ll continue putting SHE into an acceptable format for sending off to an agent or publisher of erotica. I’ve already looked them up, but haven’t picked one to whom I’ll send the material once it’s ready.

I also don’t think I bragged about myself yesterday and my ability to take the furnace filter apart, clean it and replace it. AJ showed me a year or so ago, but I wasn’t sure I’d remember. The new thermostat AJ installed is one of those smart ones and told me I needed to clean the filter. Well, once I realized the blinking red light was to indicate I had a message and got the message, I put off my attempt for probably a week. What do I know about furnaces…NOTHING!!!

In any case, I got the first step correct and was able to pull off the filter cover. Then, I removed the two huge electronic sections and put them into the dishwasher. Next, I removed the two smaller silver mesh screens and added them to the dishwasher. A little soap and on it went, to give me clean filters when finished. And, Kathy B., thank you for the dishwasher suggestion.

To say those filters were dirty is to say the sky is blue when it is. I could not believe the filth on those filters. It even included some dead bugs that had apparently gotten into the air returns (AJ told me that, but weren’t you initially impressed I’d know that???) and ended up plastered to the filters. Considering all the dust I get up with the vacuum and dust cloths, I’m surprised there’s anything to go in the air intakes at all. Maybe I should add cleaning the furnace filter to my list of things to do each time the time changes in the fall and spring.

I did call AJ today though because it seemed as though the furnace was making more noise, but apparently, it’s just the sound it makes when the air is able to smoothly flow through without being impeded by dead bugs and lots of dust.

Today (Tuesday) I also got rid of the ancient electric stove (photo above) John had been saving for decades. The boys thought it might make a good piece of yard art, and that’s its future come next spring. I posted pictures and offered it on Buy Nothing and a very nice woman responded and wanted to have it for that purpose. She, her husband and brother-in-law came, loaded it up and it’s gone. Now, if I could just find someone who’d like a sailboard, my driveway would be almost totally empty. I do live in hope.

BORING, BORING, BORING

 

First, thank you all for your comments about my staying or leaving. Isn’t there a song with the words, “…should I stay or should I go now?” In any case, I feel as though that’s my anthem for the moment. I am, of course, leaning toward staying. It would be so much simpler than, as I think it was my sister said, using so much energy to move and establish a new place. Anyway, appreciate your comments and suggestions.

I didn’t get anything written to post today, so I’m writing this now, an hour after my post usually goes up. Yesterday, a group of very nice young men came to my house (okay, yes, maybe I was drooling just a bit) to remove an alder and even up the red maple from where the City Light-retained tree folks (who, in my opinion know nothing about pruning) butchered it. To be fair, there have been a couple of companies in the past where if I went out and made nice, they would do a better job of pruning the maple.

Today, the company who mows my grass and gets up the mountains of leaves will be here. I think the owner may not be happy when he sees the alder gone and maybe he won’t notice the maple. I asked him about the trees and the prices he quoted were like three to four times more than the company I used charged me. Of course, it helps when the company gives you a “family” price because they’ve taken down three huge trees for my son.

I also went to Sky Nursery yesterday and bought four huge bags of soil amendment. Then, I continued with garden clean up and got enough done to spread one bag of the amendment out. What’s done looks terrific and since the sun’s shining right now, I’m wondering if that means I can get back out there this afternoon and complete the area that goes around the deck. Guess I’ll have to see what happens as the day progresses.

Also did a bit of work on the next book. I think I was making the first chapter way too long, so I’ve cut it back into three parts. Also think I’ve decided on a name, WATER RIGHTS, but we’ll see. Depending on how the writing goes…and the thinking because I spend a lot of time thinking about what’s going on the page…maybe I can begin posting chapters this week, surely by next Monday.

Finished off yesterday by making myself a very nice salad to go with the frozen lasagna. How many of you have tried or use Stouffer’s lasagna or mac and cheese? The little boxes are just the right size for one person and I love them. Even when I used to feed the whole family, I would buy Stouffer’s or Kirkland big pans of lasagna. You add more mozzarella cheese just before it’s done and it’s perfect. I haven’t made lasagna from scratch for probably a decade or more.

Well, that’s it for this boring post. I haven’t had breakfast yet either, so it’s time to go fix my oatmeal with raisons and decide what I’m going to do today. Y’all have a very busy, happy and pleasant day.  

MISCELLANEA

         

              I don’t know how many of you have kept count or noticed when I went over 300 posts. Today’s post is 315 which means I only have 51 to go before I meet my goal of making some kind of a post every single day of 2020. Of course, when I set that goal on January 1, 2020, I had no idea all our lives would change so dramatically. I thought I’d be out and about and making lots of interesting posts about wherever I was or whatever I was doing.

Still, this goal led me to actually begin and finish writing a book. Nothing like the original book I wrote in the mid ‘90s and revised in the early 2000s, but still, it’s a lot of words that I somehow spewed out through my fingers and created another individual who also had a goal and desires and a pandemic-free world in which she could travel about, meet new people, have new experiences, etc. I’m proud of the fact I managed to write a chapter a day, sometimes two, and get them posted for you, the reader’s, enjoyment. Of course, to be perfectly honest here, I absolutely enjoyed the hell out of it as well.

I also have to admit I could not have accomplished this alone. I have friends who told me stories, shared their experiences, shared their ideas and supported my efforts even when I was rather aghast at what I’d written.

In particular, I want to thank Ernie Rose. I think he was the only male person who read SHE, or at least he was the only male’s name I saw that liked or commented on a particular day’s chapter. Not only that, but he initiated almost daily phone calls to critique and edit SHE. Ernie is a great writer himself and you'd know that if you read his posts on Facebook. Those posts are nonfiction about his zoo and climbing experiences. More than one person has suggested he compile them into a book of essays. Anyway, I had a lot of fun talking to Ernie and hearing what he had to say and then thinking about his suggestions for upcoming chapters. I believe Ernie could write fiction just as well as he does his nonfiction…maybe a novel entitled HE would be a good start…what do you think Ernie???...I’d be happy to critique and edit your chapters for you as you did mine???

Anyway, I’ve begun a new book and have written the first chapter, but there’s a lot I don’t know about this particular topic so I need to do a bit of research. I’m hoping I can think of a title and begin posting sometime this coming week. It would be quite an accomplishment were I to end 2020 with two completed first draft books under my fingers.

At least writing kept me from whining about my life, the pandemic and the election. Finally, regardless of what trump thinks he can do in court, we’re going to get a new President who will put the welfare of us all ahead of his interests or the interests of his rich friends. I sincerely hope that come January 21, 2021; tRump is hauled away in handcuffs. In fact, were they to haul him away from President Biden’s swearing-in in handcuffs, I’d perform one hell of a happy dance and shout HALLEULIA.

As for the pandemic, it’s only getting worse and about all we can do, those of us who want to survive and believe the scientists, is wear a face mask, limit close contact, wash our hands…a lot…and continue to limit our exposure to other folks as best we can. Hopefully, at some point in 2021, there will be a vaccine for COVID-19; and also hopefully, the world has learned a valuable and extremely important lesson from COVID-19, so that when COVID-?? shows up, and science says it will, the world and its leaders will have learned from this experience and step up immediately and save us from another year like 2020. We really must live in HOPE.

Then, there’s my life. Nothing much has changed although I made a lot of progress in eliminating stuff thanks to the assistance of my boys and granddaughter. John’s bed is completely clear of stuff so I could have overnight visitors when and if that ever becomes a viable option. His closet is another story, but I figure over the winter I’ll take out one box at a time and deal with whatever’s inside.

The garage is also cleaned out, at least enough for me to park my car in there for the first time in 51.5 years. There’s still stuff that needs to go, but I’m thinking about an estate sale in the spring and perhaps those last big things can be eliminated then.

I’ve also had a real estate agent out for a walk through and discussion. I’ve asked my boys for their opinion with regard to my selling and moving. At this point, the only decision I’ve made is that I won’t be buying property and building…getting permits alone could make me a really old woman (and I am one already) before the first nail was driven.

So, I’m going to lay out my thoughts here and hopefully some of you may be willing to chime in with your thoughts, positive or negative.

If I stay in this house:

1.     Get bids from a few foundation repair companies and see if it would be worth it to get the house level again.

2.    Get bids for window replacements, i.e., two skylights and three other windows have broken seals.

3.    Get PSE to come out and do a free heat evaluation and see what needs to be done, if anything, to make the house warmer.

4.    By staying here, I’m close to my older son and his family. As his wife pointed out, if I need them, they are only five miles away and could come at almost any time if I needed them. That won’t be possible were I to move to Mt. Vernon. Of course, if I moved to Snohomish, then Thor would be close if I needed help.

5.    I say the house is too big and too difficult for me to keep up. Were I to hire a landscape company to do the hard work in the spring and the fall, then I could just do the fun stuff. Right now, I have a company that comes to mow and take care of all the leaves. And, maybe a cleaning company once a month for inside.

If I decide to sell and move:

1.     Sell the house as is without doing anything about the foundation or the windows. One person I know who recently did this told me to only accept offers that don’t require an inspection in case there are other problems about which I know nothing.

2.    I would want a smaller house, no condo or apartment, with a garden.

3.    It would need to be fairly close to one of the boys and their families.

4.    It would need to be affordable.

5.    It would need to be in great condition.

As you can see, I’m torn about what to do or not do. I’d welcome any and all comments or ideas or thoughts. Somehow, I always envisioned my “golden years” as being free of any big decisions or problems. I thought I’d just sail through those years because I’d planned ahead, I’d prepared, I’d be ready. Well, it certainly doesn’t look that way from where I’m sitting right now. Or, am I making a mountain out of a little molehill??? I just don’t know.

Of course, what I should be is really really thankful rather than fussing about what I should or shouldn’t do. After all, I am healthy, have an income, have a roof over my head, have healthy family and friends nearby, have a neighborhood where everyone knows me and I them, two puppies who love to cuddle on/with me, an obviously healthy imagination, the drive to get things done (when I really want to), and lots of other things I cannot bring to mind right now. So, to answer my own question above…I think/believe what I have is a molehill.

ALONE AND LONELY

 

It’s late, I’m tired and have probably had too much gin, but the words are running rampant in my head, so I’m here at the keyboard to see if they’ll make any kind of sense. I’m lonely and alone. It’s most likely that at my age I’ll remain alone and lonely for the remainder of my life. Sure, there are people who find each other and end up together, but I don’t believe that will be me. One and done, you know.

Tonight, I deeply regret I didn’t take advantage of my husband John and seek as much skin-to-skin as possible when it was available. Why we allowed our difficulties to push us further apart instead of bringing us together remains a mystery to me. One of my favorite memories is of how I fit perfectly beneath his chin and he could hug my head. I loved having my head hugged. Some people might say it was a deep-seated memory of the birth canal, but all I know and remember is that when were pressed together and he hugged my head, I felt so comforted, so loved, so complete, so safe. That feeling is no longer available to me and I so regret I didn’t have a head hug every single day he was alive.

Then there is the feeling of another person’s body next to mine, John’s. Now I sleep alone, lay alone and lonely and wish for the comfort of his chest against my back or my chest against his; his arms around me or mine around him, our legs intertwined in some fashion. We didn’t sleep like this every single night, in fact, we slept separately for several years before he died. But, the option of seeking out that comfort was just across the hall, it was available if I needed or wanted it and vice versa for him.

To fall asleep in the comfort of his nearness was such a blessing and one I didn’t fully appreciate until it was no longer available to me. I remember decades ago making him promise to let me die before him because I loved him so much and didn’t think I could or would survive if he went first. He broke that promise and here I am, just me, myself and I and somehow the three of us do not in any way shape or form provide the comfort I so want and crave tonight.

It’s not often, if ever, that I go to bed and then get up again to sit at the keyboard and type out what’s running through my head. Tonight, I couldn’t settle, couldn’t make myself comfortable because I wanted, no needed, to snuggle and my pillow simply wasn’t providing the comfort I sought. I seriously doubt these words on this page will provide the comfort either, but maybe, by putting them down on paper…or electronically if you will…they’ll leave my head and allow me to close my eyes and sleep…alone and lonely.