The sun is
shining outside and I should be out there pulling some weeds and digging in the
dirt. Instead, I’ve been working on my income tax which meant I had to go
through files to dig up information. Most of it was handy, but the medical
information was not. And, of course, as always, the bulk of the medical
expenses were for John. So, while income tax preparation isn’t fun, it was made
even less fun as I went through files that brought the first seven and a half
months of last year back with a vengeance.
As I went through the medical files, I
was surprised I hadn’t remembered John going into the hospital in January. I
don’t recall the reason, but the bill says coronary care. He must have been
able to return home without having to go to rehab because there are no other
bills for that month.
Then, when I got to April it brought
back such frustrating and angry memories. John ended up at Overlake Hospital in
Bellevue in much worse shape than he’d been in January. Since I’d had shoulder
surgery March 29th, I couldn’t drive there to see him and/or confer
with his doctors. He wasn’t at Overlake for long and then he went to the Foss Home where
he stayed until May 8th when he returned home. Helpful family and friends
provided rides so I could replenish John’s clothes and provide whatever he needed
as well as trips for my own doctor and physical therapy appointments. It was a
horribly challenging time because I felt so dependent on others. At the same
time, I was so grateful for all of the folks who provided rides, grocery
shopping and other assistance.
John’s health continued to decline and
another urinary tract infection required he be administered an antibiotic IV.
They put a port in his arm, and it was up to me (one-handed more or less) to
give him the antibiotic via gravity feed which took about an hour each time. To
further add to the stress, one of the side-effects of this antibiotic was loss
of motor function, so after four days, he was unable to get up or out of bed. Thanks
to his visiting nurse, this drug was stopped immediately and in a short time,
John was able to move about with his walker, but not quite as well as before.
John had a visit nurse and a physical
therapist who visited once a week. I believe John enjoyed his nursing visits a
lot and he did PT as long as the physical therapist visited, but once the PT
visits ended, so did John’s efforts to remain strong. Besides those appointments
at home, it seemed as though I had to drive John at least once a week to visit
his GP, cardiologist, urologist, foot care specialist, the laboratory or
pharmacy. Since last August, I think I’ve driven south on I-5 less than ten
times and perhaps even less than five.
John’s birthday was on June 18th
and every six years or so, his birthday and Father’s Day would coincide. That
didn’t happen in 2019, but his sons decided (if my memory is working properly)
we’d have a Father’s Day BBQ here at the house. My daughter-in-law, Amber, took
some wonderful family photographs that day. It wasn’t until after John died that
I realized just how old and frail and weak he appeared in those pictures. I
guess seeing (and not seeing) him every single day didn’t register that he was
failing quite as badly as the photos indicated. I’m grateful his sons wanted to
do this since it was the last time.
Then came August and the final
hospital trip. The bill for less than 24 hours in Harborview is staggering…almost
$15,000, the copay for which was $90. Thank heavens for Medicare Advantage insurance.
I’ve been steadily feeding papers into
the shredder as I’ve cleaned out the various files. It feels good to see all
that paper headed for Cedar Grove compost. It also feels a little sad because
once the files are updated and the taxes completed, it closes for real the
final chapter in my relationship with John.
It seems very strange and kinda silly
to be sitting here typing and crying, but I guess you never really know when
grief will sneak up on you while you’re doing something as mundane as taxes and
file cleaning. I think I’ll put a sweater on and take the dogs into the back
yard. John’s under the apple tree in the sunshine and maybe we should have a
little talk about how I’m feeling. Maybe that will help make it all better…probably
not, but my body will love the Vitamin D.