It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything but chapters of the books I’ve written or am writing. Those don’t really match the intent of my blog, “Learning to live alone after almost 55 years,” although in a way, they do because I probably wouldn’t have found the time or silence in which to create. That doesn’t mean I’ve learned to live alone and LIKE it, it just means I’m moving on with my life as best I can. I think I owe my readers some updates.
First, my health. I had
the last CT scan and lab work a couple of weeks ago and everything came back
normal. That was great news although it’s been three months now and I’m still
working to regain my stamina. During this period, I’ve only managed to walk my
hour route three times and it was a struggle. This week, I’ve done half the
route three times and didn’t have a problem, so maybe my stamina is returning. I
can’t wait because being 75 and feeling like 95 isn’t the way I want to spend
my life.
Second are my plans for
the future. My real estate agent sends me the latest listings every day in an
email. I view them and to date haven’t found a single one to which me and my
doggies could move. Earlier this week I also came to the conclusion, and how it
escaped me before this I have no idea, that wherever I move, if I move, the
doggies may be a problem. I was getting ready to leave and put the doggies in
their kennels before deciding I should go to the bathroom. The entire time I
was in there Kaizer howled and barked and carried on. I can just hear my condo
neighbors complaining about the noise. He also makes a lot of noise in the
morning to let me know it’s time to get up and that would probably be even
worse for condo neighbors.
Most of the listings are
for condos. There have been very few of houses, most in Everett and built in
the early 1900s. One of them would have been perfect had Chip and Joanna Gaines
been available to rehab the entire place. Most, while eminently affordable are
simply in fairly bad shape. As for the condos, most do not have a fenced area
right outside for the doggies and I do not want to have to be taking them for
potty walks three or four times a day. I like being able to stand in the garage
door and wait while making sure they do their “bidness.”
I also really do not want
to be on the bottom floor with someone tramping around over my head. The top
floor would be best and there have been some great ones, but it would mean
getting rid of the doggies and I don’t think I can do that…they’re family. So
the hunt for a new place isn’t going well.
My plan now is that if I
reach the end of April without having found a new place, I will simply stay
here. If I stay, I won’t be spending $39,000 on the foundation, but will have
the windows with broken seals replaced. I’ll also paint what was the marital
and then John’s bedroom, purchase a double bed, all new linens and who knows
what else and move myself in there.
With regard to eliminating
stuff around here, the garage is almost completely empty of unnecessary items. There’s
still a few things I’m hoping someone on Craig’s List will purchase or people
on Buy Nothing will take and if they don’t go via those two sources, they’ll be
headed for recycle/dump. I felt quite bad a couple of weeks ago when Haley and
AJ left here with her truck mounded high with stuff for the dump. The largest
item was John’s California king size bed. I searched all over for someplace to
donate it to since it was in great shape, but there were no takers.
My granddaughter and sons,
but especially Haley has been so much help to me I cannot begin to thank her
enough. It’s not like she spends the entire day doing my bidding, but she does
come and assist with various projects. I began to pay her last year when she
was organizing the garage with me. Her availability will cease come September
when she goes off to school. So, it’s a good thing I am paying her because I’m
going to have to hire someone(s) who can come help me with stuff around here…providing
I’m still here.
Also, as part of the
moving idea, I reached out to folks who hold those estate sales for you. It
would have meant my moving some place two weeks ahead of the sale. I’m sure AJ
and Angie would have let me stay there, but the end result didn’t sound promising.
I could either take care of removing whatever was left after the sale, or the
company could do it for me. If I took care of what’s left, they’d get one-third
and if they emptied the house, they’d get half. It was amazing and extremely
saddening to get an approximate figure of what all my crap is worth. I laughed
and raged at John over all the crap he saved, but it appears my choices weren’t
much better than his…apologies John!!!
Third and last, is how
widowhood is going. Let me tell you this past year of no contact and very
little social interaction really sucked big time. There have been days when I
would have loved to have been able to curl up with John skin-to-skin and just
lay there for hours. There have been times when I would have loved to hold a big
potluck party like we used to. There have been times when I would have happily fought
with John over anything at all, just to be able to hear his voice, see his
angry face, and ultimately make up for whatever ridiculous problem we’d been
arguing about.
Then, there’s the lost
potential of going places. At one point I told myself I was going to pick a
place every single week and just go there. It didn’t matter where and it could
have been a nursery, park, beach, anywhere that wasn’t in the house. Did I do
that…nope. It would have been good for me to get out and drive around even if I
didn’t have a destination in mind. Just leaving the house and seeing other
sights that weren’t either my walls or out my window would have been good. Did
I do that…nope. It just didn’t seem all that fun to do with just me myself and
I. Besides, when it came to the driving around part, it would have been so good
to have John in the driver’s seat so I could look and look and look at
whatever was passing by.
I guess what I’m trying to
say here is that it’s been extremely lonely for the last 19 months. I found
myself envying all my girlfriends who still have a husband in residence, and
most of them do. There’s only a couple who don’t have one, and they don’t live
close enough to pal around with. True, there’s phone calls, face time, social
media and some visitation providing you keep your distances, but even those are
few and far between.
I am vaccinated and have passed the two-week period after. Since then, I’ve seen my family and been able to hug
and kiss Xander, Haley, AJ, Thor, and Angie. When it comes to friends, I’ve
been Maryanne and Greg and we’ve hugged. I also now walk with Kathy without a
mask. I do, however, wear a mask when I go out in public for anything for any
reason. I believe I’ll be, as will anyone else with a brain, doing that for
some time to come.
Meanwhile, most days I try
to count my blessings and I have many. I’m alive and healthy, my bills get
paid, there’s food in the fridge, cupboard and freezer and if I don’t want any
of what’s here, I can order in or go pick something up. I’m definitely not
going hungry. I have friends and family who care about me and check in or
welcome me checking in with them. I may soon (probably not until 2022) have the
ability to travel to other places and the 15-day Viking cruise from Budapest to
Amsterdam sounds delightful, although Costa Rican beaches still remains my
first choice.
Finally, I’m writing and
enjoying every single keystroke. Some of the ideas I use come to me out of
nowhere to be incorporated into the story. Sometimes, it’s the character or
characters who tell me where they want to go. I seriously doubt I’ll ever have anything
published that would end up on the NY Times Bestseller list, but that doesn’t
really matter. What matters is that I enjoy bringing other people to life and
living with them for a time. They do make it a lot less lonely and (I’m laughing
here) the sex is absolutely GREAT.
So, here’s my update. Hope
you enjoyed it. Under Construction will return soon. Charlie and Adam are about
to…well, you’ll just have to wait and see.