Fool’s Gold, that’s what my “golden years” actually are. You would think, having watched my mother, grandmother and even my great-grandmother whom I never met, go through their last years of life alone that I would have expected the same for myself. Not once did I think about, or even inquire about, their “golden years.” They all lived much longer than the age I am now, so I guess or expect to have many more years of Fool’s Gold. It sucks.
Just this morning I was debating on whether to go to my exercise
class. I didn’t go on Monday, so this would be the second time I’d miss. I also
didn’t do my home PT/exercises today, although I did do them on Monday and
Tuesday. I seriously wondered what the point was/is to trying to keep myself in
good physical shape. And, okay, it’s so I can have a longer and healthier life.
The only actual benefit of staying physically active, at least in my opinion,
is that it will keep me from being put into one of those facilities for old
people.
Then, there’s being the only half of a couple that’s left
and all your friends still have their mates. They are off doing fun things or
even fighting with and appreciating or not appreciating each other, but they
are NOT lonely. They have meals together, work around their homes together,
sleep together; pretty much do everything a couple does. I, on the other hand,
go for days sometimes without speaking to another human. No one cares if I cook
dinner or clean the bathroom. It’s lonely and I’m, quite frankly extremely
tired of being lonely.
Some people have jokingly (I think) suggested I visit one
of those dating sites on the internet….Silver Singles for example but it’s
probably more like silverplate. Can you just imagine what kind of partners
would be available for a 76-year-old woman? I can and I’ve already done all the
caretaking of a male person that I care to. Nope, no new partner for this
woman, dating site or no.
It wasn’t quite so lonely when I had my puppies. Kaizer
went over the rainbow bridge in October. I expected to have Karma for years,
but she joined her son just a few weeks ago. Even if they weren’t sitting on
me, wanting me to play or wanting to go outside, they were still here. The
sounds they made as they moved around the house, or even in their beddies, were
comforting. Now, it’s just me and silence unless I play music which I do most
of the time.
I’m not going to get another fur buddy and have given away
all the dog/cat paraphernalia to insure I don’t. Still, I see people out
walking their dogs and feel a pang. A friend just got a new black lab puppy and
I so want to reach through the screen and hug/pet him. It’s kind of like
another phase of my life has passed by. And, yes, I could continue the phase of
pet ownership, but I’m choosing not to do that. So, you say, quit
whining about it.
Now there’s also the question of travel. I’ve been
considering a Viking cruise in Europe, but fear keeps me from making the
commitment. I wasn’t the least bit afraid in 2020 when I drove myself to the
airport, left my car and took that wonderful Caribbean cruise, and returned
home to my car in the middle of the night. I felt much younger than I do now
and extremely independent.
Then came the pandemic,
but I figured at some point I would get out there and go again. That was before
I was seriously ill the end of 2020. Even though I didn’t feel very sick, it
did a number on my body and it’s only recently I’ve been able to do as much or
as many of the things I did before I got sick.
What does that have to do with my getting on a plane for
foreign places. Well, it’s fear. What happens if I get sick so far from home,
become injured in some way or who knows what? How would I get back home? Would
one of my kids have to come get me? I have no idea.
Then, too, there’s the fact I would be traveling alone.
When I went to Costa Rica on my own seven years or so ago, practically everyone
on the trip was part of a couple. Based on something I heard, some of the women
thought I was there trolling for their men…seriously!!! Still, I made a couple
of traveling buddies, but at the end of the day, they went to their rooms and I
went to mine. There was no one with whom I could rehash the day. It was pretty
much the same on the 2020 cruise. It was fun, especially having such warmth and
sun in February, but still lonely and not as fun as it could have been.
Even when it comes to trips that would be more local, I
find myself looking, thinking, and then closing the web site because it just
seems like so much work for so little return. Right now, the tulip fields are
in bloom and I think about driving up there, having lunch in La Connor or
coming home by way of Edison and that fabulous bakery and that’s it…I just
think about it. I make no plans.
Anyway, today it appears I’m having “pity party” for myself
and have chosen to share it through my blog with you. Perhaps part of the
reason for the “pity party” was the notebook I recently made for my son
entitled, “Instructions on what to do when I die.” He asked me about what I’d
had to do for John and then asked if I could provide him with information. So,
I did.
Add to that today’s
appointment with my attorney to update my “estate” plan. Seriously, that’s what
he calls it…to me, only folks like Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates or Warren Buffet have
“estate” plans. So, we’ll talk, make changes to the plan John and I did
together years ago. Then, that’s it. Between the upon my death instructions and
the estate plan, my kids will know how I expect my “afterlife” to be handled
whether it’s next week or 20 years from now.
When I had breast cancer
21 years ago, I decided to CHOOSE how I was going to feel each day and make
that choice positive. I felt no fear then because I expected to survive and
continue on with my life…and I did. So, why am I not CHOOSING to go on that
European trip or even to drive to the tulip fields? I’ve thought about it
seriously and think it’s the idea of being older and being afraid of what could
go wrong as opposed to go right. That makes it so much easier to hunker down
and go nowhere. It’s so much easier to sit on the couch and read a book, work
in the garden, binge watch shows on the television.
I guess staying put seems
so much safer, but it’s definitely not the way I expected to experience my “golden
years.” Guess I’ll eventually learn to appreciate my “Fool’s Gold” experiences
such as they are/will be. Or, perhaps once the estate plan has been updated and
this pity party of mine over, I’ll feel much more positive and CHOOSE to stop
hunkering down and get out there. Time will tell I guess.