HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY

 

          Happy St. Patrick’s Day a day late. It was all my fault. I had the corned beef in the freezer. Then I bought the cabbage, onions and potatoes so I could have an Irish feast yesterday. Well, I forgot to take the corned beef out of the freezer in time to cook it yesterday. And I could have cooked it partially frozen, but I wasn’t sure if it would turn out as well.

          So, I’m having corned beef and cabbage…with onions and potatoes…for dinner today. If you had yours yesterday, I hope you enjoyed the hell out of it. This is the only time of year I eat this food, but I do, indeed, enjoy the hell out of it.

          I do wish I had some Irish whiskey to go with the corned beef and cabbage. Unfortunately, all I have beyond my usual gin is Maker’s Mark bourbon. Perhaps I would like an Irish whiskey better than this bourbon, but I’m not going to go out and buy a bottle of that when I have two perfectly good…and maybe preferable…alcohols on hand. Last night, since I didn’t have any whiskey, I did consume the bourbon and it was, as it always is, yummy.

          Hope you had a great St. Patrick’s day…oh and I forgot to say that when I had my nails done on Monday, I chose the color green. It’s really quite lovely and reminds me of a pair of wide-legged hip huggers I owned back in the day…wish I still had them although they probably wouldn’t fit around my tummy, but that’s a story for another day.

          In any case, hope it was a good day with a good dinner. And I don’t know about you, but I’m looking forward to those leftovers…you’re probably eating yours already.

CHAPTER 9

 CHAPTER 9

         The weeklong vacation was finally coming to an end and Maddie was both grateful and fearful. She’d spent the days and, even more so the nights, thinking about Spence and what had happened between them after the Christmas party. He hadn’t called and she hadn’t tried to get in touch with him. Still, the memory of the time in his arms seemed to occupy her thoughts both awake and asleep.

          Maddie wasn’t sure what she was going to do when they met up again in the office, but she was determined she was not going to give up her job because of what had happened. And so what if the memory of Spence’s lips, his hands, his cock made her feel as though she were next to a furnace. And so what if her panties got moist every time her mind turned to their wild sex. And so what if there was nothing she wanted more if she were honest with herself than to fuck Spence’s brains, and her own for that matter, out.

          Maddie just knew she wasn’t giving up her job nor was she going to encourage a repeat experience, no matter how much she’d like it, going forward. If necessary, she would get downright nasty about it if need be. That first morning back would tell the tale.

          For Spence, the week seemed interminable. He wanted nothing more than to call Maddie or even just drop by her house, but he couldn’t bring himself to do that since the memory of how she’d run away after the hottest sex he’d ever had. Just thinking about Maddie would cause his cock to get hard. Just remembering his hands on her breasts, inside her cunt, the way her legs wrapped around him was almost enough to make him come in his pants. Spence both looked forward to getting back in the office, although he’d spent considerable time there during the week, and actually feared what would happen when he and Maddie met up again.

          One thing for sure, Spence was determined Maddie would resign and find a replacement so they could both see where their relationship could go. Spence already felt as though he were half in love with Maddie as it was, and it wasn’t because of the great sex. He genuinely liked everything about her, the way she’d assumed such a huge role in his company, the way she seemed to understand him, the way she offered support when he hadn’t even realized he needed it. Yes, Maddie was going to have to quit so they could have a relationship. And okay, a relationship that included more of that great sex.

          January 2^nd arrived as did Maddie at the office. She put her things away, picked up her tablet and pen, and standing in front of Spence’s office door, she drew a huge breath. As she opened the door, she pasted a big smile on her face and entering, said, “Well, Happy New Year Spencer. I hope you had a great week off. I certainly did, although I have to admit I was getting just a bit bored the last day or so.”

          Maddie took her usual place in the chair alongside Spence’s desk.  “So, have you looked at your calendar yet. It looks like a very busy week, actually busy month to me.”

          Spence leaned back in his chair and folded his hands under his chin. “Yes, well, I think there’s something a bit more important for us to discuss before we get to my calendar. I wanted to call you or even see you during the entire time off, but the way you left, well, I....”

          “Stop right there Spencer!” Maddie demanded. “We are not going to discuss what happened after the Christmas party. It was a mistake, one I believe we both enjoyed, but a mistake nonetheless.” Maddie held up her had as Spence opened his mouth. “No, no discussion about our lapse of judgement, our lapse of good office behavior, our lapse of imposing on the other’s personal space. We’d both had too much to drink and were so happy. The Christmas party was such a huge high. Well, what happened between us after, it was a huge mistake, one that neither you nor I need to pay for beyond what’s already happened.”

          Maddie looked at Spencer and raised one eyebrow. “Have I made myself perfectly clear.”

          “I think I ought to have something to say about what happened.” Spencer replied sitting forward and reaching for Maddie’s hand. “I’m not sorry and can’t believe you are either. We just need to find your replacement so we can see how our relationship develops.”

          “Spencer, I hoped I wouldn’t have to say this to you, but you aren’t leaving me much choice. I will not relinquish my position as your EA. If you are determined to make our combined lapse of judgement an issue, then I’ll have to bring suit against you for sexual harassment. Do you understand me now?”

          “Maddie,” Spece began, “Be reasonable….”

          Before he could continue, Maddie got up out of the chair and started for the door. Once there, she looked back over her shoulder and said, “I’ll have my attorney get in touch with you if you insist.”

          Spence could tell Maddie was serious. She wasn’t play-acting. She wasn’t trying to be difficult. She seemed to totally believe what they’d experienced had been a lapse in judgement. He couldn’t see a way around what was apparently his problem.

          “Okay Maddie, okay. I guess I put more emphasis on what happened between us than you did. I’ll not refer to it again and apologize for my behavior. Come on back and we’ll review my calendar.”

          The next couple of months found Maddie and Spence working together just fine; however, the ease they’d had before was gone. Maddie’s appearance changed slightly in that she stopped allowing curls to fall out of her bun. She’d also gone back to the looser clothing she’d worn before the Christmas party. It was if she was trying to make herself less attractive.

          Spence wasn’t happy with how things stood, but he couldn’t take the chance Maddie would seek out an attorney. And since her aunt had been part of one of the best law firms in the city, it was a foregone conclusion that her suit for sexual harassment would carry some weight. Neither Spence nor his company could afford such a scandal.

          So, Spence continued, as he’d done for most of Maddie’s employment…he stayed away from the office, only going in early mornings or late afternoons. It was a good thing he trusted Maddie and that she had such a great grasp of the company and its employees. If nothing else thrived between the two of them, the company certainly did.

Spence was thankful for that, but the memory of Maddie in his arms, her lips and mouth responding to his, her hard nipples, how hot and wet she was after he yanked her panties off just wasn’t erasable from his memory. There were many nights he woke with a raging hardon, reaching out for her only to find himself alone and so hard and horny it hurt.

As for Maddie, she was extremely grateful Spence had acquiesced to her threat without her having to actually follow through...she wasn't totally sure she could have followed through. Their experience hadn’t left her mind either and she often dreamed about Spence and being in his arms, responding to his physical demands to the point she’d wake up on the verge of an orgasm, her undies wet. In those cases, she pulled her little friend out of the bedside table and gave herself an orgasm…an orgasm that wasn’t anywhere near the one she’d had up against that door.

Maddie was also thankful that Spence continued to absent himself from the office during most of the days. It was gratifying to know he believed she was capable enough to deal with whatever might arise. Anything she couldn’t handle, she deferred to him via emails or the small talks they had either at the beginning or end of each day. Still, Maddie found herself daydreaming at times about what a relationship with Spencer could be like. It was a daydream that made her either very happy or very depressed depending on what else was happening in her life.

It was late spring when Maddie’s best friend said, “What’s going on with you? You’ve been sort of down lately and that’s not like you. Is everything okay with your job and that luscious boss?”

Maddie could feel herself blush but responded, “Oh Gwennie, you must be imagining things. I’m just fine. A bit tired from working so much, mostly outside in the garden. But, when everything comes into bloom, it will be worth it. I’ll sit there with my wine and enjoy the hell out of what I produced.”

Gwen wasn’t willing to drop it. “That’s a good try, but you’re not going to evade me or the fact you’ve seemed just a bit off for some time now. You haven’t made an effort to date anyone for the last couple of months. When I offered to introduce you to Henry’s best friend when he moved to Seattle, you didn’t appear the least bit interested. What’s really going on with you.”

“Nothing Gwen. Really, nothing. As for wanting to date Henry’s friend, I’m just at the point where I’m not the least bit interested in getting to know someone new. It’s such a waste of time when I know even before we’ve spoken that it would become just one more mistake in my dating history.”

“Stop it Maddie, just stop. Seriously, you seem to have lost your joie de vivre. If we weren’t such good friends, I probably wouldn’t have noticed, but I have. What’s really going on?” Gwen said quietly, leaning forward and grasping Maddie’s hand.

Somehow, those quiet words and gentle touch opened up the tear ducts and tears began to stream down Maddie’s face. They were accompanied by huge sobs. Gwen got up and moved to the couch beside Maddie. She pulled her best friend into her arms and held her, smoothed her hand up and down her back until Maddie’s sobs became huge shudders and hiccoughs.

“I think I’m in love.” Maddie whispered between hiccoughs. “and I don’t know what to do about it. I’m afraid I ruined any chance we would have had. Now, it’s too late and I’m so sorry.”

Gwen pulled some tissues from a nearby box and told Maddie, “Wipe your eyes and nose and tell me all about it.”

So Maddie did. She told Gwen about how wonderful the Christmas party had been, how successful she felt when it was over and how pleased she’d been by Spence’s gift and what had happened after.

“So, it was the best sex you’ve ever had. What’s wrong with that?” Gwen exclaimed.

“Spence is my boss and he has a strong and firm rule about relations between staff. That’s how I got the job. He fired his last EA because she attempted to seduce him. I didn’t do that, but I cooperated enthusiastically when he gave me the chance. And, when we went back to work, he wanted me to find my replacement and resign.”

“What’s wrong with doing that?” Gwen asked.

“I love my job. I don’t want to give it up. And, I threatened to sue Spence and his company for sexual harassment if he insisted I do that.” Maggie responded, blowing her nose again.

“So how are things between you now?”

“Fine, just fine. We are cordial. We get the work done, but there’s nothing personal between us at all. I miss the comradery we had before this happened.”

“Well, it sounds to me like the ball is in your court, so to speak. If you want your current relationship to change, then you’re going to have to do something to change it.”

“Yes, but what? What if he isn’t the least bit interested anymore? What if my threat killed any feeling he had for me? Oh Gwen, I don’t know what to do about this. It’s a mess.”

Gwen reached out and gave Maddie a big hug. “Hey girlfriend, you’re smart and clever and have always gone after what you wanted, at least until now. What have you got to lose if you let him know you are definitely interested? You have to ask yourself what you actually want. Do you want your job? Or, and this is the big one, do you want Spencer?”

SNOW

             I seriously thought we’d get through this winter without a spec of snow. I was wrong because I woke up this morning to find snow, big fat flakes, falling. My car was covered as was the lawn and the entire garden. Fortunately, the streets were bare, so while it was cold enough to snow, it wasn’t cold enough to make it stick there.

          Of course, I took this opportunity to forego my exercise class because it snowed. Later I learned that none of the schools in the area were cancelled or even had a late start. So, I could have bitten the bullet and gone to my exercise class. And, I probably would have except I had a horrid night and couldn’t get my eyes to close for longer than a few minutes at a time. I have no idea why unless it was the medication they injected into my gums in the morning so they could do a crown. I know it does contain some form of ephedrine so perhaps that was it.

          Still, I didn’t feel horribly tired and didn’t really sleep when I opted to return to bed. It’s now noon and the snow is turning into rain, so all the white stuff will undoubtedly be gone by the end of the day. I do have a couple of errands to run and am meeting friends for lunch, so I’ll be venturing out in just a few minutes.

          I seriously hope this is the only snow we’ll receive this winter. I prefer the rain because I can still go and do without worrying about anything. Ah, for those days of youth when snow was an exciting event. Now old, I do find it quite pretty, but don’t like the idea that it can cause havoc with any plans I’ve made.

KARLBERG MEMORIAL APPLE TREE

           

Fifty-seven years ago, when we purchased our home, there was a newly planted apple tree in the back yard. Over the years it grew and gave us wonderful apples which I made into pies and applesauce and we ate out of hand. 

        After twelve years our first family member, Fang the Wonder Dog, passed away and was buried beneath this apple tree. Over time, we continued to “plant” our canine, feline and hamster family members there when they passed. 

        It was my husband’s dying wish (actually discussed and decided when we did our wills) to be cremated and have his ashes placed with these beloved pets. He’s been there for almost seven years now and there is a plaque that lists all the inhabitants of the ground beneath the tree.  I have to admit that at times it's comforting to look out there at the tree or to stand/sit beneath it and have a conversation. Of course, it's terribly one-sided, but somehow makes me feel closer to him as well as a bit better de4pending on what's happening in my lonely life. 

        This apple tree hasn’t given a lot of apples for some time; but since it’s become the Karlberg Memorial Apple Tree, it doesn’t need to fear being replaced by a younger tree. My own dying wish will be to assume my place beneath this elderly apple tree with John and all the pets we loved during our years together.

CHAPTER 8

 

CHAPTER 8

          Maggie and Spence both laughed as they exchanged their gifts. “Well, go on, open it.” He encouraged.

          Maggie ripped the paper open to find a small jewelry box. When she opened it, she found a small pin. It was gold with what she hoped were synthetic diamond stones that said, “#1.”

          “I saw that and had to get it for you because you’ve become the number one in my life. I don’t know how I managed before you became my EA. I’m so thankful for all that you do on a regular basis for both me and the company. I hope you like it.”

          Maggie’s index finger gently touched the pin. She raised tear-filled eyes and responded. “You have no idea how much this touches me. Thank you. Now, open your gift.”

          When Spence opened the envelope, he found a gift certificate for sailing lessons at the Mt. Baker Yacht Club. “I remember you once said that you’d love to learn how to sail and have a sailboat of your very own. I couldn’t get you the sailboat, but the lessons might lead to you having one. The gift also includes your EA scheduling those lessons for you.”

          It was the best gift Spencer had ever received. He had to clear the lump from his throat before he could say, “Thank you. This is so thoughtful."

          They stood there looking at each other, gifts in hand until Spence said, “Well, how about we have a little nightcap while the catering staff finish up. I could certainly use a shot of Macallen right about now.”

          Back in his office, Spence poured them both a couple fingers of scotch and they sat down in the comfy chairs on either side of the coffee table. They sipped and talked about the evening and their guests for a while. Maggie’s glass was almost empty when the catering captain knocked on the door and told them she was leaving, that everything had been squared away.

          After she left, Maddie emptied her glass and said, “Well, I’d best be getting myself home.” She stifled a huge yawn as she got up out of her chair.

          Spence got up as well and took her glass. In the process, their fingers touched and they both felt the zing. Maggie’s eyes widened as did Spence’s and she yanked her hand back. “Well, thanks for the lovely pin Spence, and I guess I’ll see you next year.” She laughed and continued, “Imagine, next year. It’s almost here.”

          As she was talking, she backed toward the closed office door. Before she could get there, Spence took one huge step and pulled her into his arms. Before she could think or protest, his mouth came down on hers and any thoughts she might have had completely disappeared.

          Spence kissed her as he backed her up against his office door. His tongue invaded her mouth, swirled around and as Maddie whimpered and wrapped her arms around his neck increased the kiss’ pressure.

          Maddie could feel Spence’s entire body against her. She could feel the swollen length of his cock. She knew that Spence had to be able to feel the hard nubs her nipples had become. Her own tongue was warring with his, and she felt as though she couldn’t possibly get close enough to him.

          Spence leaned into Maggie, pressed his swollen cock against her and managed to get one hand in between them so he could pull on her nipple. Again, she moaned and pressed herself against him. Spence’s fingers left her nipple and she desperately wanted them back. He reached down and pulled her leg up so it rested on his hip. Her skirt rose with her leg and his hand found its way to her panties, what there was of them. They were sopping wet and with a fierce moan of his own, he gave them a yank. They ripped free and he dropped them in order to press his hand on her hot and wet center. Without thinking, he rubbed and Maddie moaned louder and pushed against his hand. One of his fingers found her entrance and he pushed it inside. Maddie thought she was going to come that very second. He pulled it back and replaced it with two fingers, his thumb rubbed her clit. Maddie’s orgasm took her totally by surprise. Spence left his fingers inside her while his thumb gently caressed her clit until Maddie felt as though she was boneless. She was grateful Spence’s body pressed her so tightly against the door because she felt as though she’d fall if he moved away.

          Spence pulled his hand free and pulled Maggies other leg up so her legs now encircled his waist. Maggie could feel both his hands in the small space he made between them. She heard his zipper and within seconds, his cock was bobbing free. Without any direction, his cock found Maddie’s wet entrance and slid home with one huge thrust. Spence thought he was going to come that very second, but he held back only to feel Maddie’s vagina ripple around his cock. Once again, her arms encircled him and she directed his mouth to her bare nipple. As he thrust and sucked, she began making little moaning and whimpering sounds. “Don’t stop, don’t stop, please don’t stop.”

          Spence forced himself to hold back when all he wanted to do was to slam himself into her as rapidly as possible. He slowly pulled out and then slowly pushed back. His hands on her butt cheeks squeezed and caressed. Maddie’s mouth was all over his face, neck. Her body pushed against his while she kept murmuring, “More, faster, more, faster.”

          Just when Spence didn’t think he could hold out much longer, Maddie whispered, “Now, please now, oh god, now.”  Spence pulled his cock out one last time and slammed himself home again, as his hands squeezed and pulled her violently against him. Spence’s orgasm totally stupefied both his mind and body. He’d never felt such a paroxysm of pleasure in his life. His orgasm seemed to last for an eternity. Later, he was never sure how long it had taken for him to return to the present.

Spence and Maggie were practically one body. Spence wasn’t sure he was going to be able to move. Maddie was totally limp against him. She felt sure that if he pulled away, she’d fall to the floor. He wasn’t sure his legs were going to support either himself or both of them if he tried to bend his knees.

          It seemed like forever, but it had to have been only seconds before they looked at each other. Maddie didn’t know what to say. Spence didn’t seem to know what to say either. Finally, Maddie more or less whispered, “Maybe you could let me down now.”

          “Oh, yes, of course. Sorry.” Spence responded, allowing her legs to slid down his partially clad legs. That also allowed his now tumescent cock to slip out. Spence felt like a fool and didn’t know what to say.

          “Um, uh, can you excuse me for a moment?” Maddie asked.

          “Sure.”

          With that, Maddie pushed him back so she could open the door. She closed it softly behind her. Without thinking, she grabbed her coat and purse and ran toward the elevator even as Spence’s cum trickled down her leg.

          “Oh God, just get me out of here. Oh my God, what have I done?” Maddie murmured to herself. She was so glad she’d driven to work that day. In the garage, she managed to pull herself together, but the tears that had begun as soon as the office door closed continued to cascade down her cheeks. All she wanted was to get home and burrow into her own bed. She wanted to forget the last half hour because it had the potential to absolutely fuck up her whole life. She laughed through her tears, “Got fucked and am so fucked.”

          Spence pulled his shorts and pants up and tucked his shirt in while he waited for Maddie to come back. He hadn’t intended this to happen, but now that it had, they were going to have to have a talk about their futures. He poured himself another couple fingers of scotch and sat down.

          Sitting there, he relived every single second of their mutually satisfying sex. It had been just as wonderful, just as sexy, just absolutely everything he’d always thought sex with the right woman would be. He couldn’t wait to tell Maddie that.

          Lost in his own thoughts, it was some time before Spence realized just how much time had passed. He went into the outer office and realized Maddie had just gone. Gone without saying goodbye. Gone without saying anything at all. Now, Spence felt very bad, as though he’d taken a huge advantage and yet he was positive Maddie  had orgasmed more than once and thoroughly enjoyed their intimacy.

          Well, he told himself, it wasn’t’ actually the stuff of which romance is made. Really Spence, fucking your EA up against the office door like some caveman. No wonder she ran off. You’ll probably be lucky if she shows up here on January 2^nd. You’ll be lucky if she’s willing to stay and train someone to take her place. You’ll be lucky if the cops don’t show up at your door Christmas Eve with a warrant for your arrest for rape.

          Still, no matter what, Spence was glad it had happened. Now, he could move forward with his desire to court Maggie, to see where their relationship could grow, maybe even to their getting married. He’d never felt like this about a woman in his life. One thing Spence knew and that was he had to have Maddie more than that one time. He had to have Maddie as part of his life, not just at the office, but away from the office. She was going to have to resign so they could be together.

RELEVATIONS???

          

 About twenty-five years ago, I had a revelation that I seriously wish had entered my life decades earlier. I realized it was my choice each and every morning as to how my day was going to progress. I could choose to make my lips turn up in a smile for each and every person I met that day, as well as myself, and respond to friendly inquiries with positive replies. Or I could choose to fret and worry most of my day and push people away with all that negativity. I now sometimes wonder how different my life might have been had I chosen the positive path rather than the negative which, in review seemed to have been my default setting for most of my life.

Now, I’m not saying I manage to make the positive choice every morning when I look in the mirror, but percentage-wise it has become my first choice no matter what is going on in my life. Even now, more than a couple decades later, I usually choose the positive path for my day and work very hard to be optimistic about everything.

Just recently, I had another revelation that I’m pondering and trying to decide how it does or will truly affect my life as I continue to age. That revelation has to do with the fact that no one, aside from my dog, relies on me for absolutely anything. Yes, I have family and friends, but their lives would continue whether or not mine would.

I’ve also found myself wondering about my available choices when complications and tribulations reach a point where they become overwhelming. When does that point arise? When will I need to make a choice as to whether I want to continue to slog through the days, weeks, moths, maybe even years ahead? How bad does the physical and/or emotional pain have to become before I want to wave the white flag of surrender. I won’t know the answer to that until I have that white flag in hand and who knows when that will occur.

Don’t ask me why I’m making this blog post. I have no idea. It’s simply something I began writing about several years ago and just found on my computer. Even though there’s nothing major on the horizon that would lead me to change how or where I’m living I feel what I wrote then is still relevant to me today…I guess that’s why.

WISHING I COULD TALK TO GRANDMA

           

Grandma passed away more than 45 years ago, and lately, I’ve been wishing she and I could have a good chat. I remember many things about my grandma, but now that I’m older, I so wish I’d actually made the time to sit with her, really listen to her stories and even take notes.

          Grandma was born in 1891 and she saw the world change in much the same way I’ve seen the world change in my time. For her, it was the ease of transportation, the ability to afford and obtain goods and services that weren’t available until she was in her forties. For me, it’s been the change in communication. Just by using my cell phone, I can talk to family on the other side of the country. Using my computer, I can look up my ancestors, order goods and services, keep track of my family and friends. Actually, I could undoubtedly do all of that with my cell phone as well, but I prefer my computer. There’s really no need to actually leave home or talk to anyone to stay in touch.

          Grandma was on her way to being an old maid at the age of twenty-two when my grandfather came calling. Girls in the hills of Tennessee were married young in those days and it was most likely the three fleshy moles on the right side of my grandma’s nose that kept the local young men from courting and marrying her…she could have been a witch (or so the story goes). My grandfather’s place was fifty miles or more from where Grandma lived. I wish I knew how he heard she was available, but the story is that he came courting in a suit he borrowed from his brother or someone else.

          Of course, Grandma didn’t refuse to marry him even though he was thirty-five years older. This was her chance to have a life as a married woman with a place of her own. I don’t think it turned out quite as expected because once she arrived at her new husband’s home, she discovered he’d already buried two wives who’d left eleven children for her to finish raising. That was in 1913 and by 1922, he’d given her another five children to care for and raise.

          Tax and census documents indicate grandpa was a sharecropper. It was hard scrabble farming in a Tennessee holler. In those days, you grew or made everything and your diet never ever included the four food groups on a daily basis. I know grandma raised chickens and pigs (There is an old photo of a pig being butchered with its guts falling out that fascinated me as a kid.), grew vegetables, gathered wild berries and nuts, and helped farm the land in that holler.

          By the time my mother was a teenager, my grandfather was more than seventy years old and had become bed ridden. So, in addition to doing the majority of the work around the place, grandma and my mother had to nurse, care for and change him on a daily basis. I know my mother’s four brothers still lived there, but I never heard any stories about how they helped with any of the work.

          Grandma never saw her family after she married because fifty miles was too far to go for a visit. She did eventually have contact with her youngest sister when they both lived in California. And, once she left Tennessee in 1946, she never returned, never saw her mother, father or her brothers and their families. It was as though that period of her life in Tennessee didn’t exist.

          Grandma left that rickety house and hard life with me and my mother. She rode a train for the first time which took them to Idaho where two of her sons were living. There, my mom met a man who became her husband and my daddy and Grandma lived with us. Her life improved some because we lived in a better house with indoor plumbing and electricity. I have fond memories of sleeping with Grandma, curled into her back with my nose pressed against her back where it met the mattress.

          Grandma’s first plane experience took her away from me. She’d been a given in my life since birth and I missed her so very much. I didn’t understand why she had to move to California to her son’s home until I was older and realized from various comments and stories that Grandma had been causing  problems in my parents’ marriage. She was so grateful to daddy for keeping her that no matter what problem/argument arose, she sided with daddy…mommy was never right. There may have been more to it than that, but I never learned anything else.

          You would have thought Grandma a very modern woman. She took to flying between southern California and Washington as though it were nothing. She came home for my high school graduation and my wedding. And when both uncles passed away, she flew back to Washington for the last time.  Rather than living with mom and dad or John and I, she had her own little place just across the valley from where I lived.

          I’m now as old as she was then and understand so much better how her life must have been. I regret I wasn’t old enough or wise enough to understand how limited her life had become. True, she made a few new friends in the complex and mom and dad took her grocery shopping and to the doctor, but her life was pretty much lived in her small apartment…she must have been very lonely and I wish I had realized that at the time.

          Grandma would call to chat, and being a busy wife and mom, I really didn’t want to take the time and/or resented the need to spend that time listening to her stories (repeated more than once) about her early life. Even when I was responsible for doing the grocery shopping or doctor duty, I think I rather resented the need for me to do so.

          Now, of course, as I said above, I’m her age and in some ways, my life is a bit like hers. True, I still drive myself wherever I need to go. I have a circle of friends with whom I spend time. I’ve remained in my house which is a blessing or a curse, depending on the day and what’s happening. I have more money than Grandma did, but like her, I don’t feel comfortable spending way beyond my means.  I’m also involved in exercise classes and my driftwood classes out side the home. This gives me access to a larger number of people than my grandma had access to because she didn’t drive.

          Then there’s communication. I talk to the eldest son once a week and rely on him when I have needs I cannot manage on my own, i.e., cataract surgery transportation. Younger son calls every now and then but doesn’t offer any kind of assistance. Aside from my regular friends and the people I see in class, I rarely talk to one of the neighbors (and I’ve been here fifty-seven years). My phone rarely rings or buzzes with a text. I guess you could say I’m a bit lonely…just like Grandma had to have been.

          I think that’s why I wish I could have more conversations with Grandma. I have a lot of questions to which she could supply answers. I’d love to know more about how she felt when she realized she was the third bride? How did she manage to help raise eleven other children while birthing five of her own. Did she feel loved? Did she enjoy sex? Just how grateful was she in her later years to have the advantage of electric stoves, refrigerators, television, phones? Finally, I guess I’d really like to know if she realized I did really love her even though some of my actions and responses didn’t exactly shout, “I love you.”

          More than anything though, I think I’d like to know if what I’m feeling at my age is what Grandma felt. Even though I’m way more busy and active than Grandma was, is my sense of loneliness, being forgotten, feeling needy without recourse, wishing for the ability to have some do-overs in my life how she felt some days.

          I’m so sorry I wasn’t wise enough to reach out across the valley that separated us way back then to spend time with Grandma and learn the answers to the questions I didn’t even know I had then. I wonder if everyone has regrets like this. If at some point when my kids reach this age, perhaps they’ll read what I’ve written over the years and find answers to their questions…if they have any.