I know I’m a great
proponent of being optimistic and believe it’s up to me to CHOOSE how I feel
each day. I also don’t believe I “should” do anything, but that I will or won’t,
can or cannot. I also know that while I try ever so hard to keep to those
beliefs, there are days where depression hovers over and descends like a huge
fluffy cloud to make it impossible to CHOOSE what I SHOULD choose for myself.
Yes, today I am horribly depressed, but perhaps writing about it will help me
become strong enough to CHOOSE to blow this huge and ugly cloud away.
You traveled the week with
me and my tooth difficulties, and yesterday I felt so much better. I also knew
that taking Percocet for the four days I did could cause me to become depressed
because that is one of the side-affects. What I didn’t take into consideration
is the fact this is December and Christmas, one of the supposedly happiest days
of the year is just 20 days away.
A friend pointed out last
night something I already knew I was going to have to implement…a two-week
quarantine where I see absolutely no one because I spent at least six hours in
a potentially COVID transmission area on Wednesday. So, except for a trip to
the grocery store, gloved and masked, I will be here alone for the next two weeks
or more.
Add to that the fact there
will be no Christmas decorations in or on my house this year. The huge boxes the
kids usually pull down from the attic will remain there. I will not host
Christmas Eve dinner and watch my grandkids open their gifts with all the
excitement and joy that entails. I will get up Christmas morning knowing I will
remain at home all day, that the annual Christmas brunch at AJ’s and Angie’s
will not happen. I will be alone and very lonely.
There won’t even be the
pleasure of buying and wrapping gifts. Instead, I will purchase Visa gift cards
for each member of my family, place them in Christmas cards and deliver to
their homes with no contact on Christmas Eve day. No hugs or kisses or delight
in hearing what they plan to do with their gift card. I probably won’t even
hear what they used the gift cards to purchase…a totally without any pleasure
for me gift from me to them.
Tears are leaking down my
cheeks as I type this up. Perhaps a good hard cry will make me feel better. I
don’t know. All I do know right now if that life doesn’t look so wonderful or
special or good or even worth having to a degree. Life right now just seems
hard and lonely and depressed. COVID (and Percocet) have pulled any joy,
current or potential right out of my life.
I’m telling myself this is
only temporary, that my life will get better, but today there is a huge part of
me that’s responding with, “Who the fuck do you think you’re kidding? You’re
alone and lonely. Life sucks and there’s really no point in doing anything
whatsoever because nothing actually matters.” Today, I don’t have a response
for that other part of me besides, “I know.” I cannot even tell myself with any
depth of belief that, “It will get better. Just give it some time.” Yes, today
life as I know it really does suck, but there is a teeny-tiny part of me
somewhere deep down that is raising a very small flag of hope. I’m going to
picture that teeny-tiny flag getting larger and larger even though at the
moment it is miniscule. I’m sure (sorta)
tomorrow will be a better day.