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I had absolutely no idea what I was instigating when I
posted the “I am Depressed” post on my blog with a link from Facebook. In some
ways, it was very reassuring because so many people reached out and that
included to my son who showed up at 6:30 pm on the day I posted because people
had contacted him, worried about my mental health. That was not my intention
when I made that blog post. I was merely, and thought I was merely, stating how
I was feeling. I guess mental health has become of the utmost importance.
First, let me say that while I’m depressed and feeling very
sorry for myself, I would in no way do anything to harm myself unless: If you
could guarantee me that I could sit in the corner and watch and listen to all my
family and friends be so SORRY that I’d done myself in; then, of course, I’d
take the gas pipe, swallow the pills or do whatever it would take to end my
life. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on my current state of mind, there
is no guarantee. For that reason, and the fact that ending my life would be exceedingly
selfish when it comes to family and friends, I would never ever stop living on
purpose.
So, a very serious thank you to those of you who reached
out telling me to seek professional help, encouraging me about the fact things
will get better, etc. I do so appreciate your doing so, and it did, indeed,
help me feel better. Still, I am at a place where I do feel depressed, am
feeling sorry for myself, and am CHOOSING to wallow in those feelings for the
time being. I’m sure it’s not the permanent
solution I will CHOOSE to have in the remainder of my life. Meanwhile, until I
find a way that leads me forward to whatever my life may provide in the future,
I’m going to be selfish and CHOOSE to simply feel bad, sorrowful and wallow.