No matter how
old you become or what happens in your life, there’s always lessons to be
learned. I’ve been a widow for almost four and a half years now and have
learned a number of lessons. My least favorite was the fact that no one really
wants to hear about your depression, loneliness or unhappiness…and, seriously I
totally understand. Still, it’s hard to not have someone who knows you inside
and out listen when you need to talk about what is foremost in your mind.
Of course, in
the beginning of my widowhood, family and friends were very solicitous as is
perfectly normal. As the weeks and months went by, however, we all returned to
our normal lives, except mine was no longer normal. I had to find a new normal.
This wasn’t always easy as I’m sure you know if you’ve read my blog since the
beginning.
When John was
alive, he always listened when I needed to talk about being depressed, complain
about whatever was happening in my life that made me angry or unhappy, or just
blow off steam. Sometimes, he’d offer an opinion, but mainly, he just
listened…or at least pretended he was listening.
Before I found
my new normal, I began to share this kind of thinking with my kids and friends
only to learn they didn’t appreciate my sharing. I mean they didn’t exactly
tell me to shut up, knock it off, or ignore me, but I’m not a dummy so I got
the messages no matter how oblique. It took some time and a bit of work on my
part to make sure I don’t complain about my life or talk about being depressed lonely,
or unhappy. And, to be perfectly clear, for the most part I am not depressed,
lonely, or unhappy, but I do choose what I share.
Fortunately, I
have Kuma who became part of my new normal about eighteen months ago. While he’s
incapable of responding with words to anything I have to say, he does listen
and doesn’t even try to pretend he’s not hearing me. He stares back, looks into
my eyes and some times tilts his head as though he’s thinking about what I just
said. Kuma’s also quick with his tongue or to climb on me in his effort to
provide comfort and reassurance…or, it may be more like he’s showing me who’s
the alpha.
The lessons
learned in widowhood were the same ones I had previously learned in life. No
one, no matter how much they love you, wants to listen forever to a litany of
downer talk, that it’s okay to have a downer every now and then, but not always.
It’s up to me, myself and I to find or create a remedy for depression (think and
look for positivity in my life), loneliness (Kuma sure took care of that), and
unhappiness (again, think about and look for what makes me, myself and I happy).
I believe I’ve
graduated from widowhood school with honors…or at least I’m choosing to see it
that way today. Kuma agrees wholeheartedly with my graduation honors, and I’ve his
tongue marks on my face to prove it.