Do you ever
feel inexorably sad? I did, do and am feeling exactly that way today and felt
that way some yesterday. And, yesterday was for celebrating Haley’s high school
graduation, and I had a wonderful time with delicious food and extremely amenable
people. Haley’s next-door neighbor made her an entire rack of barbequed ribs
and boy did she do them justice.
In any case, I’ve been thinking about
the sadness I felt then and still feel to some degree today. I guess it has a
lot to do with the idea I’m closer to the end of my life than Haley, her
parents, and the other individuals celebrating yesterday. The age range was
from I think 11 to 74…the 74 was me. One of the women’s father is having a
birthday this week and he’ll only be 73. For the first time ever, I think I was
very aware of being the elder of the group.
I can remember clear back when someone
30 or over was OLD. In fact, the Smother’s Brothers had an entire shtick they
performed regarding people over 30. John’s best friend at the time turned 30
before anyone else. We wouldn’t let him touch us because, “Old people give you
warts.” That was what Tommy Smothers told his brother Dick. It was quite the
joke for a while, and then somehow, we all turned 30 as well. How did that
happen?
Time moved on for all of us and, yet,
we didn’t really think about it. Then, our own elders, grandparents and parents,
aunts and uncles, family friends began to slow down and eventually leave us.
Never ever did I think that at some point I would be the eldest in my family.
Then, there’s your own children. I always picture them as they were several
decades ago. Then, when I open my eyes and actually look at them, they are
becoming older as well. And, Haley, well Haley was just a little tyke only last
week, or so it seems.
It’s a fact that I’ll never know when
my time is up. It’s a fact for everyone
of us that draws breath. I don’t think I’ve ever been this sad though to
realize that at the very most, I’ve maybe 30 more years provided I remain
healthy. I do work at remaining healthy in the way I usually eat, exercise,
follow the doctor’s instructions and take my medication/vitamins. I also try
not to spend a lot of time, as I have the past 24 hours, dwelling on how close
my end may be. I try to spend my time on more uplifting and happy thoughts and
efforts.
I find myself wishing I’d talked to my
mother and grandmother about how this kind of thinking feels. I didn’t think of
it back then, and maybe most people don’t or wouldn’t. But I’d like to ask them
if they were scared by the idea the time they’d lived was ever so much longer
than what might be left. I know they both believed in God and that there is a
heaven. I know my mother couldn’t wait to join my dad. I don’t know if there is
a God or heaven. I don’t really know if John will be waiting when I go through
the “light.” What I do believe is that whatever energy that makes me Paula has
to go somewhere, but I don’t know where that actually is. I don’t know if I’ll
come back as an ant, a gorilla, a beautiful butterfly, or if the energy that
was me simply dissipates into the universe.
Looking back over 74 years, 75 later this
year, there are some things I’d definitely like to go back and have a “do-over.”
That’s not the way things work as far as I know, unless I end up in another
dimension at another time with that particular choice before me. I definitely
don’t want to return to any particular age and then have to make my way forward
again, unless I could do so, knowing everything I know right this minute.
Again, that’s not going to happen unless I happen to find the Genie’s bottle somewhere
in all of John’s crap…whooopeee, wouldn’t that be the best find ever.
I guess the whole point of this post
is to state that I’m sad to be the eldest; sad to know if I make it to 100, I’ve
already lived almost three-fours of my life, sad to recognize the fact my own
children and grandchildren are growing into their lives as well, sad to know my
friends also share my eventual fate, sad to think of those that have already
moved on ahead of me.
At
the same time, it’s to recognize all the future special times that await and
revel and thoroughly enjoy each and every one. To remember and appreciate all
the good that’s gone while eagerly accepting and relishing each minute, hour,
day, month, year that’s in store until it no longer is.