DO I HAVE A PROBLEM???

            I had a few days last week taking tours down memory lane. It was fun and the memories great. It served to remind me just what a special young man John was as well as what a great relationship we had at the beginning. Unfortunately, visits like those still require me to return home eventually, return to my real life and feelings for today. 

          I’m wondering if I may have a drinking problem. For most of my life, I avoided alcohol because alcoholics are rampant on both sides of the family. Well, maybe not on my biological father’s side of the family, so that gives me hope. Anyway, a year or two before John died, I began to have a spot of gin with a garlic stuffed olive and a bit of olive water…a dirty martini if you will at 5:00 pm each day. I never got wasted and only had one each afternoon. I could still cook dinner and do whatever needed doing the rest of the evening. n.b. They're now calling these quarantinis on Facebook.

          This became a habit, one I looked forward to each and every day and more so once John died. I watch the clock and wait for it to read 5:00 pm…no drinking before that. Then, I fix my glass and sit down to enjoy, and enjoy I always do. I think perhaps the amount of gin may have increased since John died. I don’t have to make dinner if I don’t want to, or do anything else besides lock the chicken up and water the dogs before I go to bed. My glass isn’t any bigger and I don’t think it’s any fuller, but my reaction seems to have become much stronger.

          The reason I think I may have a problem as well as having increased my gin allotment is that I usually zone out (pass out?) for a while on the couch with the doggies. I don’t spend the entire night, but I find myself not remembering the program, or parts of the program, I was watching on television. I don’t spend hours like that, but while it doesn't happen every night, it seems to have become a more frequent occurrence. Of course, if I had someone to talk to other than the dogs, I’m sure I would be more alert and with it. I know if I get a phone call, I’m perfectly capable of carrying on a conversation without slurring my words or sounding as though I’m drunk.

          Unfortunately, I don’t want to admit or really think my daily gin imbibing is a problem. You see, I like the way the gin takes the edge off the evening. I don’t feel quite so lonely. I don’t feel quite so depressed. I don’t feel quite so alone because all my feelings and thoughts are dimmed and vague. I like that…a lot.

          There are days where I don’t watch the clock or have a drink. I’m doing other stuff or have met family or friends for dinner. Because of those times, I don’t believe I have a serious problem. I don’t come home and hit the gin bottle afterward. Since I am almost always the designated driver, I also don’t have more than one glass of wine or drink if I have anything at all. I’m cheap and hate paying the big bucks for something I can purchase more cheaply by the bottle.

          What brought this all up was Tuesday night and Wednesday morning of last week. According to my Fitbit, I went to bed at 7:33 pm and slept deeply for two hours and 12 minutes. I woke up at 12:30 and watched television from my bed for 1.5 hours before going back to sleep. Then, I woke up at 7:10 am. When I woke up, I felt sad and depressed and really didn’t want to get up. But the dogs really needed to go out after almost 12 hours in their crates.

          I wasn’t walking Wednesday morning with my neighbor, but had to be at the dentist by 10:00 am. So, the doggies and I snuggled while I had my coffee and cereal and watched part of Good Morning America before turning the channel to Law and Order. I sat there until 9:00 am when I absolutely had to get in the shower. At the dentist, lying back in the chair, my eyes suddenly filled with tears. I managed to control them so no one noticed, but I was inexplicably so very sad.

          So, is it the gin that’s making me this way? Or, is it just the grieving process? I know when my daddy died it was in November. I held it together, didn’t cry or carry on until the following June. Then, it was like a damn burst and I cried and cried and yelled and yelled and was practically inconsolable. Is the gin keeping that grieving action away or not? Or, is this grieving process different since it’s for a husband and not a daddy?

          With the days getting longer and the weather nicer, I know I won’t be watching the clock because I’ll be outside. I suppose if I’m still watching the clock then and continuing to imbibe, or drinking gin at a much later hour, it will be time to reevaluate my gin drinking.

I really have no idea. I don’t think I need to pour out the remaining gin or sign up for AA meetings, but I’m wondering if other widows or widowers have found themselves in this kind of a quandary? Anyone out there have any wisdom to impart…I’m accepting any and all provided.