Today (last
Friday), I woke up feeling very tired and every single joint in my body hurt or
ached. This is unusual and I didn’t like it much.
Later in the morning I was taking the
doggies to the groomer. I was still feeling tired and suddenly very sad. I
realized I was missing John terribly. I wanted to pull the car over and just
cry for a while. But, stiff upper lip and all that…I continued driving.
My mind, however, wouldn’t cooperate
as it thought about how wonderful my body would feel if I could have a good a
big hug, pretty much from anyone, but especially from John. He was a very tall
man and my head fit just beneath his chin. He had a habit of hugging my head,
and I absolutely loved that and the way it made me feel…safe, secure, loved,
wanted, important. It made me very sad to realize we hadn’t shared those kinds
of hugs for a very long time before he died.
Now, even as I type this, my eyes fill
with tears. My only option for comfort is to hug myself or get on the couch
with the now clean, good smelling doggies. It’s not the same though and never
will be.
In my mind I can conjure up one of
those hugs, remember how our bodies fit together, how John smelled and felt,
how his breath would ruffle the hair on the top of my head, how when those hugs
were happening, I never imagined we’d reach a point in our marriage where they
didn’t happen. But, that point did come and the hugs stopped.
Now that it’s far too late, I find
myself wondering how we both stopped remembering so much of the good we had in
our marriage for decades. Why didn’t we remember? Why did we allow illness,
petty shit, habits, anger and negativity to push us apart just when we needed
to be drawn together? Both of us were responsible for the push away from each
other. I do so wish John were here now so we could talk about how to stop
pushing and begin pulling back toward each other.
But,
it’s far too late now though. I/we cannot go back, and only I can go forward. I’ve
typed most of this post through tear-filled eyes. I’m going to go get on the
couch and let our doggies comfort me. Still, what I wouldn’t give today, and
probably in many future days, for just one more chance at one of those big hugs
with John.