A SAD, TEARY FRIDAY

         Today (last Friday), I woke up feeling very tired and every single joint in my body hurt or ached. This is unusual and I didn’t like it much.

          Later in the morning I was taking the doggies to the groomer. I was still feeling tired and suddenly very sad. I realized I was missing John terribly. I wanted to pull the car over and just cry for a while. But, stiff upper lip and all that…I continued driving.

          My mind, however, wouldn’t cooperate as it thought about how wonderful my body would feel if I could have a good a big hug, pretty much from anyone, but especially from John. He was a very tall man and my head fit just beneath his chin. He had a habit of hugging my head, and I absolutely loved that and the way it made me feel…safe, secure, loved, wanted, important. It made me very sad to realize we hadn’t shared those kinds of hugs for a very long time before he died.

          Now, even as I type this, my eyes fill with tears. My only option for comfort is to hug myself or get on the couch with the now clean, good smelling doggies. It’s not the same though and never will be.

          In my mind I can conjure up one of those hugs, remember how our bodies fit together, how John smelled and felt, how his breath would ruffle the hair on the top of my head, how when those hugs were happening, I never imagined we’d reach a point in our marriage where they didn’t happen. But, that point did come and the hugs stopped.

          Now that it’s far too late, I find myself wondering how we both stopped remembering so much of the good we had in our marriage for decades. Why didn’t we remember? Why did we allow illness, petty shit, habits, anger and negativity to push us apart just when we needed to be drawn together? Both of us were responsible for the push away from each other. I do so wish John were here now so we could talk about how to stop pushing and begin pulling back toward each other.

But, it’s far too late now though. I/we cannot go back, and only I can go forward. I’ve typed most of this post through tear-filled eyes. I’m going to go get on the couch and let our doggies comfort me. Still, what I wouldn’t give today, and probably in many future days, for just one more chance at one of those big hugs with John.