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As I wrote on Wednesday, this has been a difficult week. Initially, I didn’t equate how I was feeling with the fact that today is February 13th. This is the day that John and I met way back in 1965…that makes this the 61st anniversary of that initial meeting. In some ways it doesn’t seem possible that so much time has passed, or that John isn’t here to celebrate our Valentine’s Day a day early.
The fact is I
was feeling very sad and alone at the beginning of the week. All I really wanted to do was to stay in bed
and sleep. Of course, I couldn’t do that because I had commitments and Kuma to
care for. You would think that after all this time, a stupid date wouldn’t have
the ability to make me feel so bad.
I’ve written
before about how John and I met; how the attraction was immediate, how our
relationship progressed from, “We just want to have fun with each other, no big
deal.” to an engagement ring eight months later. The memories of those months
and the years following, while not all rosy and bright, are still able to make
me smile and even laugh depending on which memory surfaces. And, there are so
many…I could write pages and pages full of them.
When it came to
celebrating Valentine’s Day, we always did so the day before. Usually, we went
to dinner, exchanged cards, gifts and had great sex that night. Anticipation almost
always filled that entire day, and I must say, was rarely, if ever, rewarded
with disappointment.
I can’t
remember when John began to go to See’s candy store and buy me a one-pound box
of dark assorted chocolates. They were all mine and I didn’t have to share,
although I did offer him his choice. Even when he reached the point where he no
longer drove, his chauffeur delivered him to the door and waited. We always exchanged
cards, some of them terribly gushy, some funny and fun, some so sincere they
made me want to cry. To say I’ve missed this anniversary since John’s been gone
would be like saying the ocean is wet.
The closet
contains a box that holds all the Valentine’s Day cards we exchanged over the
years…well most of them. The first one I gave John was one I made using two
toilet paper rolls, two sticks, and a roll of adding machine paper. It was a
scroll. I wrote, pasted mementos I’d saved that whole first year…some were
naughty, some were fun and some just tickets to events…to that paper. I enjoyed
making that card and am now sorry I destroyed/threw it away when I was going through John’s
stuff…it was very big and bulky.
I suppose I
could open that closet door and take a trip down memory lane by looking at all
those cards. I probably won’t do that, but there is that option. I also went by
See’s today and bought myself a box of dark assorted chocolates which
I’ll enjoy one by one, day by day all by myself.
So, for me,
today is a rather sad kind of day, but I’m going to choose to remember
all the wonderful times John and I shared over all those years. When I close my
eyes, I can see him in all his iterations, i.e., tall, skinny, big belly, with
and without a beard, long hair, short hair, and wearing the ubiquitous t-shirt
and Levi 501s. Those memories, those mental pictures still make me smile even
while I want to cry.
It’s for
certain they won’t hug me, kiss me, provide great sex…you have no idea how much
I miss being able to feel his skin against my skin…but at least I have
them. Me, myself and moi, we may be
sorrowful, but we’re also grateful and able to still celebrate the fact of those
sixty-one years.
Happy Valentine’s
Day, John!!!