I'M FEELING DONE

         

For those of you who read this, please don’t be alarmed. I have no intention of harming myself or doing anything drastic that would change my life. It’s simply how I’m feeling this morning and how I feel some of the time in my life.

          I’m ready to be done, finished, complete. I’m ready to move on to whatever comes next because what’s here is simply too sad and/or hard to bear some days or even hours. I wish there was someone I could talk to about how I feel, but I feel like anyone who would understand what I’m thinking/feeling has already gone beyond.

          I’ve come to believe that when you reach a certain point in your life, you’re done, or at least I am. I don’t feel as though there is a lot left for me to experience as the days/months/years move on. And let’s face it, I’m seriously lonely but don’t feel I have the option to actually change that.

          Looking back over my life, I’ve done pretty much everything I set out to do or thought I wanted to do. I married, had a good marriage to a good man for most of the 50+ years we shared. I had three children, the first I HAD to give up for adoption. This has always been difficult for me to admit and attempts to establish a relationship with her have come to naught. I’ve simply had to be content with the knowledge that she has had a good life with children and grandchildren of her own.

I’m exceedingly proud of my eldest son because he’s been a success at almost everything he’s attempted. I do wish, however, that he had a larger imagination that would allow him to go out into the world to seek and experience other places and cultures. Still, he’s lived in only two homes of his own and raised a daughter who is and has been a huge blessing to me for all her life.

The second son, while his birth was greatly anticipated and whose early years brought so much joy to my life grew into a disappointment. As I write this, I haven’t heard from him for almost two months. His history of borrowing money and/or abusing relationships with other family members or friends makes me very sad because I figure my mothering must have been faulty.

When it comes to my daughters-in-law, therein lies additional huge disappointments. I seriously hoped that when my sons married, I could have a great relationship with those women, but that hasn’t happened. I don’t understand why there’s such a disconnect, but there is and nothing I’ve tried to do to correct it has been welcomed or made a difference.

My granddaughter brought so much joy into my life and still does. Like her father, she’s been a success at almost everything she’s attempted. She’s funny, kind, loving, and would, I think, do almost anything I asked of her. The memories I have of our times together over her early years still bring me such happiness and I continue to add to them even now.

My only grandson was an absolute delight. I was there for his birth and got to spend many fun and memorable hours with him before he went to school. I expected but didn’t receive any invitations to share in any of his school accomplishments except for maybe one. Since then, my contact has become far less and for almost a year now, not at all. It’s not because of him, but because of his father, my son, that this disconnect has happened.

So, here I sit at this computer in the house I’ve lived in for the last fifty-seven years, alone and lonely and feeling as though the more time passes, the less able I’ll be to keep it all up. There are entire days, even weekends, where I don’t speak to another person. Invitations to various events or other people’s homes are few and far between. There is one standing commitment each week which I try to meet, but it’s not that uplifting. The classes I attend are great, but there’s no lasting relationships with most of the people I’ve met there. I’m sure there are few, if any, who would wonder where I was if I was done.

And yes, I guess you could say I’m feeling sorry for myself and having one hell of a pity-party just me, myself and I. But who better knows what I think or how I feel? Right now I also know that this feeling won’t last because I’ll get up and do something like trim the rhododendrons, talk to a neighbor, have someone come visit and once again feel that life is good. But for now, I just feel that the perfect answer to my life would be to go to bed and never have to wake up. I feel done!!!

AI BULLSHIT

 

          I just have to vent and/or rant about something that’s been annoying me for some time. Of course, I could simply stop looking at Facebook and then I wouldn’t become annoyed, but there are some things I do like about Facebook…the stories about Moose the Mantle Great Dane for instance. The huge proliferation of the various items that I can purchase that will improve my life in some way is the annoyance(s).

          You’re sure to have seen and/or been sucked into the little tales about how the husband, ex-husband, ex-husband’s new wife, husband’s female co-worker or some not nice person makes some form of condescending or “poor you” comment that leaves the other woman feeling so very bad about herself. Then, in steps a close friend who gives her the secret to her future success and allows her to show up and show off her new whatever the product has changed so completely it’s noticeable to everyone. Not only that, but everyone ends up wanting to know what “she” did that has led to such a change so they can purchase that product too.

          Facebook is rife with stories like this that suggest, or actually almost promise you, that if you buy these shoes, this face cream, this vitamin, this whatever, you will change your life and have it end up just like the woman’s life in the story you just read.

          Of course, you and I both know that it’s simply advertising in the hope you’ll purchase whatever the product may be. I even have to confess that I’ve actually fallen for the “promise” at least once, if not twice. Now, I rarely read these “confessions” let alone visit the site that will definitely “change my life.” Or, if I begin to read one, I get out of it as soon as the focus becomes clear…sometimes the lead in is so good, I do initially get caught up.

          What annoys me most about these tales is the author is never identified. If there’s a profession where I could write tales about products that will guarantee you a change in your life for the better, then I want to apply for a job. I am, however, afraid that all these stories are AI generated.

          And let me be completely honest here. It would be wonderful if I could haul out my credit card and visit all these sites and order all these products. What would be even better would be if the shoes actually made my feet feel normal and pain free; that the skin cream would give me the face of a fifty-year-old by erasing all my wrinkles; that the vitamin or supplement would allow me to halt a medically prescribed medication and give me more energy and the ability to sleep nine hours a night; that my dog would respond to whatever method employed and stop barking; that whatever available housing improvement would make my home gorgeous and safe.

Seriously, if I have a problem, I’m sure there’s an AI generated story about some product that will fix it in absolutely no time. I’m also sure there are tons of people who use their credit cards for the purchase only to be disappointed by the “promised” results. I think these are AI generated fairy tales for, as some of these stories put it, women over fifty. Sorry, but I stopped believing in a fairy godmother long ago. I’m going to keep my credit card in my wallet…at least until there’s a really believable story about a product that absolutely promises the results will be unbelievable. Guess I won’t be purchasing anything else in the future.