WOE IS ME

 

       

 It’s probably been a week since I wrote the previous post without posting; however, I’m not feeling all that great. It doesn’t seem to matter how much sleep I get, I’m still exhausted the following morning/day. I do manage to get shit done, but it’s only by forcing myself to move forward. Why does my life have to be so hard…or seem so hard to me since I know others would think I’m crazy to think the way I do. That’s one good reason for not sharing this kind of post.

          Not only am I exhausted, but I’d really like to wipe my calendar clear of all classes and commitments. I’d be perfectly happy to stay at home and not go anywhere that isn’t required, i.e., grocery store. I’d like to forego exercise, meetings, lunches, visiting other folks, etc. Unfortunately, that’s probably not an option unless I decide to actually become a hermit.

          Again, unfortunately, I cannot give up exercise because if I do that, then I’ll become weaker and end up being put in a facility where they’ll care for me until my death. That’s not an option I’d like to have chosen either by or for me. The only other meetings I have are connected with my driftwood sculpture; and again, I think I’d be happy to put all the pieces of wood in my workroom into the fireplace and call it good. Again, I don’t feel it’s an option I can choose because I do the newsletter and have to participate in board meetings.

          All that leaves is friend visits. I make one per week, usually, and receive one per week. At this point, the way I’m feeling, I’d just as soon not see either of these people. To have to make nice and pretend I’m just fine when I don’t feel fine is a real chore. And the visits don’t really do much in the way of making me feel better about anything. Both individuals have husbands and family around them all the time. Moi, I talk to a family member maybe once a week and see one of them maybe once a month. Aren’t I simply lucky though.

          Anyway, I guess I’m having a huge pity party for myself. I know part of it is because I feel exhausted and almost defeated by the chores that await. I know part of it is feeling so lonely I could happily cross the rainbow bridge. I don’t know what’s on the other side, but even if it’s simply emptiness, it can’t be much emptier than life is right now. Pouvre moi…those chores await and there’s no one to do them but moi.