Okay, I had a bit of gin before
I sat down to write this. I’m also having a very private pity party just me,
myself and I. I haven’t always been a good person and perhaps the pain and
anguish I feel at my own party are my just rewards. I don’t know. All I know is
that life can be difficult at times; and sometimes it seems there has been far
more negativity in my life than positivity…why else have a self-pity party.
You know when you’re a kid
and growing up, there’s really nothing that hurts or upsets you very much at
all. You may skin your knee or do something that pisses your parents off, but
all in all, it’s not really a big deal. You get a spanking or learn a hard
lesson and move on. Your life is fairly optimistic and forward looking.
Then, you grow up and
things change radically. Suddenly, the things that really hurt you have a
lasting effect. They can really screw with your opinion and your feelings about
your own self. There’s no kissing the boo-boo and making it go away. You have
to find a way to deal with it all on your very own…and that’s not easy. Plus,
sometimes there’s just no dealing with whatever it is and letting it completely
go.
And, it’s amazing the
things that can hurt you and hurt your heart. You’re in love and it’s not
returned. Or, you’re in love and think you’re loved in return, but you’re not,
really because otherwise the person causing the hurt would not have caused you
that pain if s/he really loved you.
You have children and want
only the very best for them. Sometimes that’s exactly what you get and other
times, your heart hurts so badly for them you want to crawl into a closet and
stay there because you know your child(ren) are being damaged or making the
wrong decision, no matter what it’s about. And, there’s absolutely nothing you
can do to assist. All you can do is worry and fret and try to let it go.
You have a friend(s) who
meanS the world to you and s/he turns and puts a knife into your back as if your
friendship had no meaning at all no matter how many years or decades it’s
lasted. You’ve always thought s/he would go to the mat for you no matter what
only to find out the knife in your back has been placed there by him or her.
You simply cannot understand why or how your friend would do this to you. It
hurts beyond belief and while the pain may lessen, it never ever goes away and
you never stop missing that particular friend.
Tonight, it seems as if there’s so much pain
in my life I can barely keep my head above water…good thing I’m not in a
swimming pool or a lake otherwise I’d definitely drown. Today, looking at all
the hurts and owies life has handed me in all the years I’ve lived makes me
just want to stop living so the pain will stop.
Don’t get me wrong, I have
no intention of swallowing a bunch of pills or doing anything that would end my
life. I mean, after all, if I cannot be around to watch people suffer over that
kind of decision, what’s the point. If I could be guaranteed the ability to
watch everyone suffer over my decision to just let go, I’d do it. But, there’s
no guarantee, so why would I do something that wouldn’t bring me some kind of
joy? Besides, thinking of my loved ones and how they would feel also causes a
lot more discomfort.
What I do know tonight is
that I’m almost 75 years old and while I’ve had a lot of happiness in my life,
I’ve also had a lot of grief. And, it’s not the kind of grief where someone can
hug me and tell me it will all be just fine eventually. It’s the kind of grief
that stays with me, haunts my dreams, thoughts that come as I’m falling asleep,
the thoughts I have when someone pays me a compliment or says something nice.
Like, really, you mean that? How’s that possible because I couldn’t possibly be
worth it.
Well, the pity party is
finished and it’s the next morning. And, since I don’t have a hangover, I didn’t
have too much gin. I had a good cry and then slept like a baby, got up, did my
exercises and walked for an hour. Today is a new day and all the suffering I
enjoyed last night with me and myself at our pity party is finished. I’m really
glad and so fortunate that I don’t feel a need to have these pity parties very
often. And, aren’t you ecstatic you didn’t get invited?