FILE CLEANING IS TAXING

         The sun is shining outside and I should be out there pulling some weeds and digging in the dirt. Instead, I’ve been working on my income tax which meant I had to go through files to dig up information. Most of it was handy, but the medical information was not. And, of course, as always, the bulk of the medical expenses were for John. So, while income tax preparation isn’t fun, it was made even less fun as I went through files that brought the first seven and a half months of last year back with a vengeance. 

          As I went through the medical files, I was surprised I hadn’t remembered John going into the hospital in January. I don’t recall the reason, but the bill says coronary care. He must have been able to return home without having to go to rehab because there are no other bills for that month.

          Then, when I got to April it brought back such frustrating and angry memories. John ended up at Overlake Hospital in Bellevue in much worse shape than he’d been in January. Since I’d had shoulder surgery March 29^th, I couldn’t drive there to see him and/or confer with his doctors. He wasn’t at Overlake for  long and then he went to the Foss Home where he stayed until May 8^th when he returned home. Helpful family and friends provided rides so I could replenish John’s clothes and provide whatever he needed as well as trips for my own doctor and physical therapy appointments. It was a horribly challenging time because I felt so dependent on others. At the same time, I was so grateful for all of the folks who provided rides, grocery shopping and other assistance.

          John’s health continued to decline and another urinary tract infection required he be administered an antibiotic IV. They put a port in his arm, and it was up to me (one-handed more or less) to give him the antibiotic via gravity feed which took about an hour each time. To further add to the stress, one of the side-effects of this antibiotic was loss of motor function, so after four days, he was unable to get up or out of bed. Thanks to his visiting nurse, this drug was stopped immediately and in a short time, John was able to move about with his walker, but not quite as well as before.

          John had a visit nurse and a physical therapist who visited once a week. I believe John enjoyed his nursing visits a lot and he did PT as long as the physical therapist visited, but once the PT visits ended, so did John’s efforts to remain strong. Besides those appointments at home, it seemed as though I had to drive John at least once a week to visit his GP, cardiologist, urologist, foot care specialist, the laboratory or pharmacy. Since last August, I think I’ve driven south on I-5 less than ten times and perhaps even less than five.

          John’s birthday was on June 18^th and every six years or so, his birthday and Father’s Day would coincide. That didn’t happen in 2019, but his sons decided (if my memory is working properly) we’d have a Father’s Day BBQ here at the house. My daughter-in-law, Amber, took some wonderful family photographs that day. It wasn’t until after John died that I realized just how old and frail and weak he appeared in those pictures. I guess seeing (and not seeing) him every single day didn’t register that he was failing quite as badly as the photos indicated. I’m grateful his sons wanted to do this since it was the last time.

          Then came August and the final hospital trip. The bill for less than 24 hours in Harborview is staggering…almost $15,000, the copay for which was $90. Thank heavens for Medicare Advantage insurance.

          I’ve been steadily feeding papers into the shredder as I’ve cleaned out the various files. It feels good to see all that paper headed for Cedar Grove compost. It also feels a little sad because once the files are updated and the taxes completed, it closes for real the final chapter in my relationship with John.

          It seems very strange and kinda silly to be sitting here typing and crying, but I guess you never really know when grief will sneak up on you while you’re doing something as mundane as taxes and file cleaning. I think I’ll put a sweater on and take the dogs into the back yard. John’s under the apple tree in the sunshine and maybe we should have a little talk about how I’m feeling. Maybe that will help make it all better…probably not, but  my body will love the Vitamin D.