ALONE AND LONELY

 

It’s late, I’m tired and have probably had too much gin, but the words are running rampant in my head, so I’m here at the keyboard to see if they’ll make any kind of sense. I’m lonely and alone. It’s most likely that at my age I’ll remain alone and lonely for the remainder of my life. Sure, there are people who find each other and end up together, but I don’t believe that will be me. One and done, you know.

Tonight, I deeply regret I didn’t take advantage of my husband John and seek as much skin-to-skin as possible when it was available. Why we allowed our difficulties to push us further apart instead of bringing us together remains a mystery to me. One of my favorite memories is of how I fit perfectly beneath his chin and he could hug my head. I loved having my head hugged. Some people might say it was a deep-seated memory of the birth canal, but all I know and remember is that when were pressed together and he hugged my head, I felt so comforted, so loved, so complete, so safe. That feeling is no longer available to me and I so regret I didn’t have a head hug every single day he was alive.

Then there is the feeling of another person’s body next to mine, John’s. Now I sleep alone, lay alone and lonely and wish for the comfort of his chest against my back or my chest against his; his arms around me or mine around him, our legs intertwined in some fashion. We didn’t sleep like this every single night, in fact, we slept separately for several years before he died. But, the option of seeking out that comfort was just across the hall, it was available if I needed or wanted it and vice versa for him.

To fall asleep in the comfort of his nearness was such a blessing and one I didn’t fully appreciate until it was no longer available to me. I remember decades ago making him promise to let me die before him because I loved him so much and didn’t think I could or would survive if he went first. He broke that promise and here I am, just me, myself and I and somehow the three of us do not in any way shape or form provide the comfort I so want and crave tonight.

It’s not often, if ever, that I go to bed and then get up again to sit at the keyboard and type out what’s running through my head. Tonight, I couldn’t settle, couldn’t make myself comfortable because I wanted, no needed, to snuggle and my pillow simply wasn’t providing the comfort I sought. I seriously doubt these words on this page will provide the comfort either, but maybe, by putting them down on paper…or electronically if you will…they’ll leave my head and allow me to close my eyes and sleep…alone and lonely.