HAPPY ANNIVERSARY AJ AND ANGIE

           This is going to be a very happy post because it is one of my favorite memories…AJ’s and Angie’s wedding. It occurred 23 years ago today and it was a wonderful experience for me. It began when Angie went looking for a dress. I got to go along. It’s not usually the groom’s mom that does this, but Angie invited me to join her. How exciting.

We went to the Bridal show in that was held in January 1997. The brides are able to try on dresses and when I saw Angie in the first one, I cried. I think she was shocked by my tears, but it’s truly wonderful when your son is in love and you actually love his intended. Angie did not find a dress there, so our exploration for the perfect dress continued.

We went to a number of bridal stores and I remember one in particular because we both ended up laughing so hard. Angie tried on this dress that was too small and very tight. She was having a difficult time getting it off. I started laughing and then farted…loudly. I’m sure the entire store heard me. I slid down the wall and ended up on the floor because I was laughing so hard, and Angie couldn’t get the dress off until she stopped laughing. Funny, the things we remember huh.

We eventually did find a dress, but it needed some altering. I now can’t remember if it needed to be made smaller or larger, but it was/is a gorgeous dress. The photo I’m inserting here does not do it justice. Following the wedding, Angie had it cleaned and placed into one of those boxes that will keep the dress pristine just in case Haley would like to wear her mother’s dress when she marries.

Their wedding rings are very very special. My mother, AJ’s grandma gave him both her’s and Grandpa’s gold wedding bands. Angie received her parent’s. I had received an absolutely ugly “dinner” ring from my great aunt years before. She had designed the ring and it had 32 diamonds of various size in it. I had used 10 smaller ones to have the anniversary band made as a gift from John on our 30^th anniversary. Angie and AJ went to the jeweler in Bothell that had made my ring and they designed beautiful rings for each other using the gold and diamonds gifted to them.

They decided to get married at the Lake Forest Park Presbyterian church and, if my memory serves, the only date available was August 16, three days after mine and John’s 31^st anniversary. It’s a beautiful church and very handy to the Lake Forest Park Civic Club where they intended to hold their reception. The photo below is my most favorite photograph from that special day and really exemplifies how they felt.

I believe it was Angie’s best friend who gave her a wedding shower. I know the photos show it was held on my deck. Members of both the kids’ families and some of their friends were in attendance. I must say it was a real blessing to be so included in so many of the bride's activities, to know she loved and valued me too.

The rehearsal was the night before the wedding and looking at those pictures really takes me back. We all look so young and Thor was only 17…sheesh, where did all the time go? The rehearsal dinner was held at a Mexican restaurant. It was a wonderful dinner with all the members of the wedding party, parents and grandparents in attendance. Such a very happy time.

Angie made a beautiful bride and AJ was so handsome in his tux. John and Thor also wore tuxes and they were handsome too. When the wedding was complete and they’d been pronounced husband and wife, we adjourned to the Civic Club. It’s on the shore of Lake Washington and it was an absolutely beautiful night. If I remember correctly, I think we made most of the food served and provided beer and wine. AJ’s cousin was the DJ for dancing and played a wide array of music. I still have to smile/laugh when I think of John out there boogying to LA Woman…think he had a glass of wine or a beer in his hand. He’d also taken off his jacket and put a sweatband around his head. John had the best time at his eldest son’s wedding. Angie showed off her garter, so the rest of the women in this photo pulled up their skirts too...except for Grandma who's beside Thor.

The people at the Civic Club set everything up and I made all the table flower arrangements. Angie wanted lavender and purple and I talked to the “Dahlia Man” who lived down the street and sold dahlias from his huge garden. The morning of the wedding I went and picked up all the purple, white and lavender blooms he had available. As people left the reception, I encouraged some of them to take one of those table arrangements with them.

I now cannot remember where Angie and AJ spent their wedding night. I know they drove away in the 1967 El Camino which had been cleaned and polished…maybe the last time it was ever driven by a Karlberg. For their honeymoon, they drove to Montana to Glacier National Park. They had a wonderful time even though AJ was very disappointed he didn’t see a grizzly bear.

And here they are today, 23 years later, still together, still in love, the parents of a wonderful young woman. It does my heart good to see them all together, to know the promises made then hold true today. And, just think, in two years, it will be their 25^th. I think I'll throw them a party, polish up all my silver(plate) for the last time ever and gift it to them. Think maybe I’ll throw in a new jar of silver polish too.

Anyway, HAPPY HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO MY ELDEST SON AND HIS WONDERFUL WIFE.

HUMMINGBIRD VINE AND WHINING

         

This is called a hummingbird vine…I think. This is the vine that grows next to my favorite dahlia and their colors compliment each other. I ordered this vine from Michigan Bulb a long time ago and planted it so it would grow on my back fence. For a long time it did absolutely nothing, and then put forth a few blooms. This is the first year it’s really bloomed so much.  I think if I’m not careful it just may grow down and cover up the Annabelle hydrangea.

They say tomorrow (Sunday) is supposed to have temperatures in the 90s. I’m not sure I actually believe that because sitting here in a skort and tank top, I’m cold. Not freezing you understand, but nowhere close to sweating. I think it was last weekend when I closed all the windows and most days didn’t open the sliding glass door to the deck. Sitting on the deck or my hammock swing, the wind was chilly. I don’t feel as though we’ve really had much of a summer.

Beginning tomorrow, I’ve decided I’m going to get off my butt and clean up this house. If I do one room a day, it should be squeaky clean in five or six days. This cleaning project would include washing the windows, inside and out, vacuuming the furnace intake screens, vacuuming, washing the floors and dusting (hate that last one). I don’t have to do my bedroom since I cleaned the hell out of it just last week for like the third time because I though I was sleeping with spiders. Nope, just shingles which, since it was/is a light case, I’d rather have than spiders. I know I’d most likely feel better if everything was clean and sparkling.

And, it’s not that I’m feeling bad or worse than any other time because that’s not the case. I’m just flat-out bored with what life is offering these days. And I know I’m not the only one feeling that way. Plus, the news, what little bit of it sneaks through is like something that’s out of bad science fiction. The United States Post Office is saying mail-in ballots might not make it to where they need to go in time? Supposedly post offices and post mailboxes are being closed and taken away? Plus, there was one headline about mail sorting machines being removed? Does tRump have something to do with this? Does he figure that if we choose mail-in ballots he’ll lose, so let’s not do that? Why don’t other states have ballot boxes where you can choose to take your ballot like we do in Washington?

Writing about the post office, did you know there is a division within the USPS that is known as (or was) the Postal Inspection Service. This service is the oldest federal law enforcement agency and is even older than the Declaration of Independence? Ben Franklin was appointed as postal surveyor in 1772 and his job was to make sure mail was safe and delivered to its recipient. That makes this USPS division 248 years old. Ben was named postmaster by the Continental Congress and when George Washington became the first president, he had Ben stay on in his position. It was the first federal law enforcement agency that used the title Special Agent for its officers. Special Agents kept that title until 1880 when Congress decided they had to be called inspectors. Interesting huh? And, how can US citizens allow our oldest agency to be eliminated???

What’s with some people who think this is all a big hoax? Seriously??? Is it really possible that all the countries in the world are making up information about their citizens getting COVID and dying? WOW!!! With all the availability of social media, how could such a hoax be perpetrated so successfully throughout the entire world? And, if it is a hoax, why hasn’t anyone come forward with substantial proof? I just don’t get it even though I do feel as though I’m living in a really really bad science fiction movie.

Speaking of movies, AMC and Regal are supposedly going to be opening up again. I don’t remember the date for AMC, but the very first day, the admission will be 15 cents…that’s what it cost 100 years ago. There won’t be any popcorn or soft drinks available, just the movie on the screen. Well, that doesn’t sound much fun or even safe to me. I think I’ll just continue to watch movies at home and make my own popcorn.

Then, there’s the whole schools will/won’t be open. I’ve seen a couple of photos where the school hallway was packed, heard about kids diagnosed with COVID days after returning to school in person. I’m so grateful my kid-raising days are behind me because I’d be so frightened and/or angry about my children being exposed. I try to imagine what it would be like to have to home-school my kids via an online program and wonder if child abuse is going to increase what with parents having to spend 24/7 with their children. It certainly seems scary.

Can you tell I sat down here without a single idea in mind for today’s post? Instead, I simply whined about everything that was top of my mind. I think I need to get the photographs out or make an attempt to look at the digital ones and share more interesting stuff. What I’ve written this time is simply information you can obtain by watching/reading the news or looking at social media. I’m sorry…and if I could include an emoji here, it would be one of a very sad face.

LITTLE RED DAHLIA AND WEEK'S END

        

These are little red dahlias. The bush doesn’t get very tall and it has a lot of blooms. I have to watch closely to make sure I cut off the blooms that are finished. This plant would probably like to be dug up and separated and replanted. We’ll see how that goes next spring.

Well, here we are at Friday again. I must confess I was very good to myself this week. On Wednesday, I had a very lazy morning, did some work in the garden, took a shower and then ordered ribs for dinner from Briley’s. If you haven’t tried this restaurant, they are EXCELLENT!!! They also have a scrumptious pork sandwich and great spicy BBQ sauce if you want lunch. I only order half a rack which comes with two sides and it’s actually enough for two meals for me, so it was ribs again on Thursday. The dogs love the ribs too and I couldn’t believe how fast they ate the one each they got…would swear they swallowed them whole. AJ called to check in on Wednesday and Angie and Haley sent me texts. Thor called me as well late in the day and we had a nice chat…he’s funny, so no crying. They, too, remembered it was the day John died. I did really well, although I wanted to cry so badly when AJ called…managed to pretty much hold it back. I even received a card from a gentleman and his girlfriend that I didn’t even know a year ago…how very nice.

Anyway, it seems like the weeks fly by even though I’m not doing much of anything. I decided to cut a lily and bring it inside the other day and if it’s too smelly, I’ll put it out on the table on the deck…wasn’t overpowering as long as it wasn’t right beside me. In the process of trying to get a vase out of the cupboard, I managed to knock over a smaller vase which landed behind my computer monitor and shattered into a million pieces…okay maybe thousands. Fortunately, it didn’t break my spare pair of glasses, the glass top on the computer table or the monitor. Since Kaizer likes to crawl under the desk when I’m typing, I had to make sure I got all the little pieces of glass so they wouldn’t end up in his paws. I vacuumed with two different vacuums, so I hope that worked.

When I went out to cut the lily, I figured I’d have to watch out for bees. Yes, there were bees and maybe yellow jackets, but they weren’t after the huge lumps of pollen. Instead, they were down on the petal itself, both inside and outside. Sitting here, as I’m typing, I can see them on the lilies that are still standing. I wonder if there’s some kind of sweet sap or something that they are getting off the petals. Maybe I should go out there and poke my finger and see. I did, but I think I’ll need to do it early in the morning since they are in the sun now. Maybe dew or something that evaporates is there until the sun shines.

I also gave up on two of the four plants I moved to the deck to treat for scale and spider mites. One kept losing its leaves and the other one was infested with scale worse than when I started treatment. I still have two out there that I’m hoping to save. So far, they both look good, but if I see any signs of anything when it’s time to come back in, then they’ll join the ones that just went into the yard waste tote. It’s time I cut back on my inside jungle anyway.

It seems as though I’ve also lost my green thumb when it comes to vegetable gardening. This is, so far, the worst year I’ve ever had when it comes to tomatoes. I do not understand what the problem could be unless it’s having the pots sitting on the asphalt out front. Or, maybe I’m overwatering. The same thing goes for the squash. Last year, in the back yard, they just about took over the entire garden with their vines. This year, there’s hardly any vines at all and very few squash. Does anyone have any ideas about the pots on the asphalt? Could it be too hot there? Shouldn’t they need more water if it is? Or, are we just having a crappy summer where tomatoes and squash wouldn’t be happy no matter where they were located??? Please share your opinions.

I’ve decided to apply my do a bit at a time to the inside of my house. So far, I’ve cleaned my stove and microwave and everything that’s located in that area. I’ve also cleaned out the cupboard over the microwave and eliminated stuff that’s been opened for a while. I’m going to have to be more careful when it comes to purchasing things like crackers and cereal, that or eat it for several days until it’s all gone.

My fingernails have finally grown out to the point where I can barely see them over the tips of my fingers. I do so want nice fingernails like I used to have even though they were acrylic. I haven’t been wearing any rings because my hands look so ugly. I think I ‘ll give my own fingernails until October and then go back to acrylic if they are still ugly. And, I’m seriously thinking about getting a pedicure because it’s so hard to do my own toes these days. Did I ever once think it would become difficult to bend my knee and bring my foot up to where I could work on it…nope, but it’s about at that point. I have a friend who is most particular about things like pedicures and she has to have them. I just may ask for a referral because she’s positive this nail salon will not give me a fungus…been there, done that, not fun.

On Thursday, I worked in the garden again and did a bunch of weeding. I also worked on the raspberry patch and removed all this year’s canes. The grape grows along the back of the raspberries, so I’m constantly having to cut the grape back. It also likes to grow into the neighbor’s camelia and I cut those vines out as well. The grape, which came from john’s grandma’s garden is in the process of taking over the greenbelt behind my yard. It’s climbed way up into the trees, as has the Chinese wisteria. I didn’t even realize the wisteria had grown way up there until last spring when I kept seeing these purple petals. I looked up and there they were.

So, not a very exciting week with no guests or social distancing lunches, but as you can tell, I kept myself busy so I wouldn’t mope and feel sorry for myself or grieve too much. Since I managed to almost completely fill the yard waste tote, I’m also feeling good about my accomplishments. Of course, my house is probably the filthiest it’s ever been in my entire life. But, like Angie’s mom told me when she called on Thursday to see how I was doing, “A little dirt never hurt anyone.” And she’s totally right. I’m not sure what I’ll accomplish this weekend since it’s supposed to be so hot, but I’ve several good books on my I-pad, so if it’s too hot to move, I’ll just sit in the shade in my swing hammock and read. Hope y’all have a comfortable and fun weekend.

SECOND FAVORITE AND HAPPY ANNIVERSARY JOHN

This is my second favorite dahlia. This is the third year it’s remained in the ground and perhaps it’s time to dig it up and separate. It’s been a huge bush with big flowers in the last two years, but not so much this year. Perhaps it’s telling me it needs a bit of love and care. Sheesh, when I think about all the dahlias and lilies that would benefit from being dug up and replanted, I almost feel faint. But, the secret to this, if I manage to do it, is to do one or two at a time or just a section at a time. We’ll see what 2021 brings.

Today would have been our 54^th wedding anniversary. I’ve written other blogs about anniversaries and how I wished I’d been more amenable to celebrating the 50^th. We really did deserve to celebrate because we’d managed to stay together no matter what.

At this time, I also want to share the fact that there were some other men in my life. With the exception of one, they happened while John and I were separated. And there wasn’t a plethora of them because I needed to know the person before I could open my bedroom door. I remember one med student that came by for a piece of cheesecake because what I’d taken to work was gone by the time he got to the lab. I hardly knew him and was appalled that he thought the cheesecake was me. I served the actual cheesecake and sent him on his way.

The one man I was involved with while we were together but going through a very difficult time was wonderful. Aside from John, he was the only person for whom I ever felt a real attraction. We had so much more in common than John and I did, but he had one huge problem…alcohol. I believe I would have left John for him except for that and the fact I wouldn’t have an alcoholic help raise AJ.

I feel I need to share the fact I wasn’t a total innocent, because I think the last post where I really talked about John I was extremely angry and hurt because of a long-term relationship he had about which I knew nothing until I was going through John’s papers. There was no way John had any kind of an in-person relationship with that woman because I would have definitely known about it. She lived first in California and then Tennessee. So, telephone calls and letters/emails must have assuaged some kind of need John had that I could not fulfill. As for any other women with whom John dallied during our marriage, all I have to say to that is he always returned here and never stayed there wherever there was. I actually feel mostly sorry for those women. John was handsome, fun, flirty, complimentary and had sex appeal…how could they say no?

John did love me because he stayed with me. He did his best to protect me from knowing about those other women, but he/they didn’t take into account just how smart I actually am. While I’m only positive about three, including the one in Tennessee, there may have been others. I still remember what the first woman said to me the only time I talked to her. I had filed for divorce and wanted to let her know John would soon be available. By that time as far as I knew, they’d been involved for more than a year. She told me getting a divorce wouldn’t matter, that she’d already broken it off; said she’d come to the conclusion that he was never ever going to leave me. He really loves you and his son and there’s not a chance that will ever change.

So, on this, our 54^th anniversary, I’ve made the decision to let go of the past, to let the anger fade over old or new hurts and to remember all the good times and events and memories I shared with John. When we got married 54 years ago, tonight at 8:00 pm, we repeated vows…”…for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish….”  Following the pronouncement that we were husband and wife, we honored and preserved those, the most important vows, throughout our marriage. Over time, it was the “…forsaking all others….” we each managed to forget and break.

It does take two people to make a marriage. I believe John and I made and had a good marriage, maybe not for all 54 years, but for the majority. It is that majority I will continue to remember and to celebrate today.

FAVORITE DAHLIA AND IT'S BEEN A YEAR

     

        This is my very most favorite dahlia. It hasn’t fully opened yet as you can see the center is still closed. I think I got this one from the Michigan Bulb Company as part of a fire and ice collection. My second favorite (pics of that another time) also comes from that collection. Somehow, I planted this one adjacent the hummingbird vine  and the colors of both complement one another.

Today, at 3:05 pm, it will have been a year since John drew his last breath. As I sit here typing this, I’m trying very hard not to cry. My eyes are very watery and my nose wants to drip…and, NO, it’s not COVID. I seriously did not expect to feel this way at this point in time. I really thought I’d finished grieving.

Maybe that’s why I got shingles although it’s been weeks since the first symptom showed up, but I have no idea how my mind and body work when it comes to stress or the lack thereof. I do know that for the last month or more, I’ve had rather realistic dreams that include John.

One morning I wasn’t quite awake and snuggled back down because I could hear John and he’d let the dogs out. Another time, I was positive I heard him come in the front door. I’ve heard him talking, walking and a variety of other things, and in some cases, it’s come as a surprise to realize that it’s not really him, that it can never be him because he has died. I always feel a sort of pang when I come completely awake and to that realization.

A year ago when John died, I really had no idea about what I was going to do with my life. It was all too new. The idea I was free to make any choice I wanted hadn’t yet arrived in the forefront of my brain. I managed to get through John’s life celebration, my first illness without him, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. By the first of the year, I was beginning to accept and realize there was an entire world out there for me, myself and I to explore.

Of course, my life (or any of our lives for that matter) hasn’t exactly moved along the way I expected it to. That February cruise was to be the first of many fun times traveling hither, thither and yon. As I’ve written, I expected to have a huge garage sale and then sell my house. I had just begun to think about what I wanted to live in and where that would be when the shelter-in-place order came down.

I don’t know what the next year without John will bring me especially if the pandemic continues and continues and continues…I do know I’m grateful he’s not alive because of COVID. I know I’ll continue to miss him, and be lonely because of the pandemic. I’m sure I’ll continue to dream of him, to hear his voice, doors open and shut when I’m barely alert, but that’s okay. For those few moments, I don’t feel lonely. Instead, I feel safe and secure and positive everything will be just fine because that’s what John always told me…things will be just fine. And I know they will be, eventually, but I have to admit I don’t feel just fine today. Today, even though I didn’t expect it, I’m still grieving and missing and wanting.

TIGER LILY AND HAPPY TIMES

          My final lily of the year is the Tiger Lily. I don’t know how I ended up with so many in so many different places. I know last year I cleaned the lilies out of the big tub I had in front, but I didn’t think there were very many tigers in there. I love the way their petals fold back and the black dots on them. I wonder if they come in any color besides orange, but then they are probably not called tiger lilies.

       

        I posted about my mental state on Monday, but neglected to look at or talk about what’s actually coming up this week. Tomorrow, 8/12, it will be a year since John died. The day after would have been our 54^th anniversary. I’ve a feeling it’s going to be a roller coaster kind of week. And, unfortunately, there’s going to be no one, aside from the doggies, who can or will comfort me when that roller coaster is in the dips.

In some ways it seems like John’s death happened a long time ago, and in other ways it seems as though it just happened. And, as for 54 years of marriage, whoooooeeeeee, but that seems like a very very very long time ago. And, yet in other ways, when I think about how much we loved each other as we began our lives together, it’s as though it was just last week. We were so very happy so long ago in the beginning and really throughout most of our lives together.

If you’ve been reading my blog, you’ve been through some of my ups and downs, read about my anger, feelings of betrayal, and, yes, the love I had for John as well. Marriage and a life together is made up of so many different experiences and for this post, I’m going to choose ones that made me happy because, right now, that’s exactly what I need.

I loved sharing my apartment with John even though he didn’t stay 24/7 before we married. He did spend most weekends and some week nights depending on how tired he was after a day’s work. I remember the first meal he cooked for me. He got to the apartment first and when he picked me up and brought me back, there was baked chicken breast, mashed potatoes with butter and green beans. Up to that point, I didn’t know he could cook anything. He did continue to cook even after his health began to deteriorate…nothing fancy, but I surely appreciated his efforts.

John ALWAYS did the dishes. He liked to do them. He said they kept his hands soft and that must have been true because even with all the work he did using them, they never scratched my skin. He even managed to get some of the other husbands in our group to take on the dishes so the wives, tired from cooking, could relax. Even our sons grew up helping John with the dishes and whenever I host something here, it’s the sons who usually do the dishes.

Our honeymoon, which I’ve already written about, remains in my memory as a wonderful, golden time in a land where no one knew us, spoke our language for the most part, and gave us such wonderful one-on-one times together. The best coke I ever had was there…it formed ice crystals when John opened it.

Our puppy, Fang the wonder dog, was the first “child” we raised. Such a cutie that fit in my hand when we brought him home. Fang went every place we went for as long as he was alive. When AJ got big enough to toddle about, Fang was right there with him as though it was Fang’s job to keep him safe.

AJ’s birth…it wasn’t real until it happened and then the look on John’s face the first time he held his boy…words could not do it justice. It was a good thing I didn’t start on the announcements right away because between going home and coming back, John decided to change the spelling…Eric became Arik which became AJ (Johann) when he got to school and every class had six Erics.

Sex…I wrote an entire post about this. It was absolutely positively wonderfully GREAT. I miss it and am thankful we had it.

The way John spoiled Thor after he was born.  Drove me crazy sometimes, but he hadn’t been able to do that with AJ, so I think he made up for it with Thor. Now I can smile and laugh and even appreciate how Thor would turn and look at me with his fingers in his mouth and this big shit-eating grin on his face after Daddeee got him out of his crib for a cuddle.

The year John decided to grow strawberries and built this thing out of old tires. I still have the photo of his crop…one small and one medium strawberry…but I guess they tasted wonderful.

The display station John built when I sold macramé hangers at the elementary crafts fair. It was big and gorgeous and displayed my plants and hangers perfectly. One of the PTA ladies told me she could tell just from the way John looked at me that he loved me so much.

John taking on breakfast, get the kids to school duty since he was a morning guy and I wasn’t either a morning person or a guy. How he cooked dippy eggs with toast for his boys and encouraged them to eat.

AJ’s first driving lesson in the old 1970 VW Campervan. We’re at the ocean and John lets AJ get behind the wheel. I’m in the back and Thor’s leaning between the front seats. John’s directing, AJ’s trying and we end up mired in the sand. John gave some older teens some cash to pull us out to a firmer surface.

Every single one of the birthdays and holidays we shared with each other, our sons, our families and eventually with our son’s families. Each one was special, each one has photos, each one was a very happy time. Imagine, four years with just us and then next month, it will be 50 years with our first child. Each time was different and yet the same and yet so very special.

I just wrote about Kenya, so I don’t need to say much here. But we also went to China for almost three weeks where we were treated like royalty. That trip was the highlight of our lives I do believe. I’ll write more about it in another post.

If I were to get the photos out or begin to scroll through all the ones on this computer, I could undoubtedly fill pages and pages of good memories from my life with John, but I’m not going to do that. The ones here are the ones that popped to the forefront of my mind as I sat here typing.

SELF-PITY TIME

           It probably has something to do with my mental state which is the result of the pandemic, the shingles diagnosis, and maybe the medication, but when I was writing the Kenyan Safari, Post II, it occurred to me that none of the photograph albums or scrapbooks I’ve done over the last 50+ years are probably the least bit important in the long run.

Yes, I’ve kept photos of my parents and grandparents and other family over the years. I’ve even gone so far as to identify who is who and the year on the back. What’s going to happen to them once I’m gone? Is anyone going to really want to have them or even bother to go through and see if there’s anything they’d like to have. Especially when it comes to family and friends my sons never even met…what would be the point of hanging on to a photograph of Great Uncle or Aunt whoever? And, even then, say AJ and Thor want some of them, will Haley or Xander really give a rat’s ass once their father’s have passed on as well?

So many times when I’ve gone to antique stores and malls, I’ve seen really old photos that must have been important to someone at some point in time. At that point, they are for sale for pennies on the dollar or just being given away. The people and the memories that kept them alive are long gone and no one, including the person doing the selling, has any idea as to where or when or who. It always made me very sad. Now, I’m being sad on my very own behalf.

 I know that Haley will remember me far into the future because she grew up having Nana close by and doing things like shopping, plays, movies, holidays and birthdays together. She’ll also remember Pa because she was almost 18 when he died. Xander, on the other hand, isn’t going to remember Grandpa at all because he was only five when Grandpa died. It’s also likely he’s not going to remember his Nana because I haven’t seen him but twice, maybe three times, this entire year. With the pandemic, who knows when I’ll be able to take him to the zoo or have him overnight again. I may be such a stranger by then he won’t want to go anywhere with me.

I’ve also been to those estate sales and garage sales where they’ve hired a company to come in and price and sell the stuff. In most cases, the people who lived there have died and the children don’t want much of anything out of the house. Perhaps if I arrived early in the day, I wouldn’t see what a mess of everything the buyers have made of a variety of stuff, i.e., books, puzzles, bedding, towels, dishes, papers…if you can think of it, I’ve seen it in a big mess.

That’s one of the reasons I wanted to have a big garage sale and eliminate everything I could that the kids didn’t want. I don’t want to have strangers come in here and price stuff and then have dozens and dozens of strangers come through handling everything that’s meant something to me over the years. I can't explain how doing it my own self would be different, but somehow it would.

Still, it’s just stuff, right? The only problem is that I can take you through my house and in almost every instance I can tell you where or from whom a particular item came. I’ve kept these things a lot of times because they were gifts from people whom I cared about. When I’m gone, no one will remember who gave me what.

Okay, yes, I think I’m wallowing in a huge vat of self-pity as I write this, but it’s exactly how I’m feeling right now. And, I know I won’t continue to wallow for too long because it’s no fun, especially when there isn’t someone nearby who can hug me or offer me a Kleenex to dry my tears…but you have absolutely no idea how hard I seriously wish there was someone to comfort me.

Anyway, I have a good friend that when she heard about shingles, offered to send me a big ladder when I’m ready to climb my way out of a vat of self-pity were I to end up there. I actually didn’t think I would...just goes to show she knows me pretty well. I responded to her email by writing I hoped the ladder would be brought by several of those hunky firemen who pose for those calendars…that would almost make this worth it, and surely lift my spirits and bring a huge smile to my face. But, that’s not likely, so I’m just going to have to CHOOSE to get over this. I’m sure tomorrow’s post will be much more positive.