FAVORITE DAHLIA AND IT'S BEEN A YEAR

     

        This is my very most favorite dahlia. It hasn’t fully opened yet as you can see the center is still closed. I think I got this one from the Michigan Bulb Company as part of a fire and ice collection. My second favorite (pics of that another time) also comes from that collection. Somehow, I planted this one adjacent the hummingbird vine  and the colors of both complement one another.

Today, at 3:05 pm, it will have been a year since John drew his last breath. As I sit here typing this, I’m trying very hard not to cry. My eyes are very watery and my nose wants to drip…and, NO, it’s not COVID. I seriously did not expect to feel this way at this point in time. I really thought I’d finished grieving.

Maybe that’s why I got shingles although it’s been weeks since the first symptom showed up, but I have no idea how my mind and body work when it comes to stress or the lack thereof. I do know that for the last month or more, I’ve had rather realistic dreams that include John.

One morning I wasn’t quite awake and snuggled back down because I could hear John and he’d let the dogs out. Another time, I was positive I heard him come in the front door. I’ve heard him talking, walking and a variety of other things, and in some cases, it’s come as a surprise to realize that it’s not really him, that it can never be him because he has died. I always feel a sort of pang when I come completely awake and to that realization.

A year ago when John died, I really had no idea about what I was going to do with my life. It was all too new. The idea I was free to make any choice I wanted hadn’t yet arrived in the forefront of my brain. I managed to get through John’s life celebration, my first illness without him, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years. By the first of the year, I was beginning to accept and realize there was an entire world out there for me, myself and I to explore.

Of course, my life (or any of our lives for that matter) hasn’t exactly moved along the way I expected it to. That February cruise was to be the first of many fun times traveling hither, thither and yon. As I’ve written, I expected to have a huge garage sale and then sell my house. I had just begun to think about what I wanted to live in and where that would be when the shelter-in-place order came down.

I don’t know what the next year without John will bring me especially if the pandemic continues and continues and continues…I do know I’m grateful he’s not alive because of COVID. I know I’ll continue to miss him, and be lonely because of the pandemic. I’m sure I’ll continue to dream of him, to hear his voice, doors open and shut when I’m barely alert, but that’s okay. For those few moments, I don’t feel lonely. Instead, I feel safe and secure and positive everything will be just fine because that’s what John always told me…things will be just fine. And I know they will be, eventually, but I have to admit I don’t feel just fine today. Today, even though I didn’t expect it, I’m still grieving and missing and wanting.