4/14/2022

          Had a bit of frustration today, but I persevered and finished what I was doing. I hadn’t moved my bulletin board from my old bedroom to my new one, so that was what I thought would be a simple and small project. HA!!!

          I took the bulletin board down from the wall and measured the distance between the screws that held it in place. I went to the other room and CAREFULLY measured where I needed to place the two screws. Then, praise to me, I was able to get the drill bit to go into the electric drill and stay there. I already knew how to make the drill go both ways. I removed the screws from the first wall and carefully installed them in the other wall. Yay for me.

          Then, without installing the bulletin board, I updated the contents. Not a good idea. When I went to install it on the screws in the wall, I could not get the screws to go into the holes on the board simultaneously. So, I measured again and discovered I had measured incorrectly at some point. So, I removed one screw and remeasured and replaced the screw. Yay, done.

          NOPE, not done. I now have two holes in the wall for the one screw. So, I measure again, and again remove and replace the screw which now makes three holes for the one screw. But, this time, I apparently was able to actually make the correct measurement because both screws went into the proper holes and the bulletin board was on the wall. Yippee!!! What's that old carpenter's adage about measuring twice and cutting (screwing) once??? 

          Meanwhile, all the painstaking work I’d put into revitalizing the contents of the bulletin board was for naught. In all the attempts to get the board to fit on the screws, practically all the items on the board had fallen to the floor. So, I got to redo the bulletin board’s contents for the second time.

          So, project finished. It looks good. And, the two extra holes I made in my freshly painted wall do not show because they are behind the bulletin board. Whoever removes the BB from the wall will undoubtedly be appalled at my poor attempts to get it right…still, only three tries which I believe is great for me because my experience using power tools to accomplish projects like this has been extremely limited.

          There was a post on Facebook about the “Modern Widow’s Club” last week and I decided to follow up. I spent about an hour on the phone with the local leader and learned a great deal about MWC. This is an organization that has been around since about 2009; however, I didn’t find any information about it when I first became a widow. I’ve visited the web site as well and plan to attend their meeting in May. It would be great to make some new single friends, especially other women who would like a travel partner and are compatible with me.

          I also spent some time looking at two Viking cruises in Europe and then deleted the emails. The Ukraine isn’t too terribly close to where I would cruise on either of the trips; however, I decided I’d rather wait and see if that conflict is settled. I’d hate to be there should Putin decide to head further west. Maybe in 2023.

          I pulled out the fake dogwood blossoms and finally replaced the poinsettias I’d put in the big porch container. It looks great and I still cannot believe the previous owners put it out in front of their house with a free sign. It’s a couple of feet tall with Asian flower designs on it. It also has some Chinese characters and if I can figure out how to download the translation app, perhaps I’ll find out what they mean.

          So, not a lot of accomplishments, but for me it was a good day. Even though I talked to another widow about widow stuff, it didn’t make me want to climb into the closet and stay there in the dark. Spring continues to delight with all the burgeoning leaves, flowers and new growth. I just wish the weather would warm up a bit so I could get out there and get my hands, okay, my gloves dirty.

MUSINGS FROM YESTERDAY

          It’s entirely possible you give a hoot as to how I’m feeling today, but I’m feeling much better. In fact, I had a fairly good day yesterday after whining through my fingers. As the day progressed, some things popped into my brain. 

• As I drove around, I was amazed at how the trees are burgeoning with new growth. It is the most beautiful green and looks as though it would be as soft as a baby’s bum
• Drove by my second favorite tulip (magnolia) tree and it was practically shouting, “look at me, look at me.” My first favorite is down by Green Lake, but I don’t get there often. I have one in my back yard and in 20 years or so, it could possibly take over first place.
•  Enjoyed the sun as it played peek-a-boo with the clouds. I don’t think it rained until after dark, but it was very COLD. I didn’t walk.
• The meeting with the attorney went well and we only have to make simple changes to my will as everything else is still relevant. I didn’t realize they would need to file John’s will, death certificate and community property agreement…should have seen him more than two years ago.
• Finished reading, GOD EMPEROR OF DUNE, and it made me wish I was much better educated. There are things in the book that I didn’t really understand, but I still enjoyed seeing what would happen to Leto II. 

I also find it odd, and maybe it’s that way for everyone, how things just pop into my head that have been residing deep in the file cabinet. Most of the time, the thought/remembrance has absolutely nothing to do with what I’m doing at the time. I guess my old 286 just decides it’s time to push that particular file out of the drawer. Then, like now, when I try to think of them or remember what it was, it's returned to the dark space in which it was residing. Can be frustrating when it was something I wanted to remember. Guess I’ll have to begin making notes. That should be easy because I almost always have my phone and I can just talk to the notes app and then refer back…that’s if I remember to refer back.

I don’t know about you, but I look out the window at my garden and feel so astonished at how it’s changed in just a few short weeks. 

• What was just dirt now has a wide variety of greens and shapes that are seeking to completely cover the dirt.
• The kind of rusty-colored peony stalks are almost a couple feet tall.
• Raspberry vines are covered with small green leaf tufts.
• The Karlberg Memorial Apple Tree has a few blossoms. I wonder if it will become warm enough for the bees to pollinate and give me an apple or two this year.
• Tulips are blooming and the wild bleeding heart is ready to bloom while the regular bleeding hearts are blooming. 

So, there you have it. Today, I looked at yesterday and chose to see the positive. Each day I’m going to try to look at the day before and see if there isn’t something there that will make me smile or sigh with pleasure. I’m going to be  optimistic and look for upbeat thought, fun, great thoughts/remembrances. 

Already, I feel better because I am writing again. Definitely not going to win a Pulitzer or ever get published, but you know what? I don’t really care because I am doing this for me, myself and I…we’re all good.

FOOL'S GOLD

         

Fool’s Gold, that’s what my “golden years” actually are. You would think, having watched my mother, grandmother and even my great-grandmother whom I never met, go through their last years of life alone that I would have expected the same for myself. Not once did I think about, or even inquire about, their “golden years.” They all lived much longer than the age I am now, so I guess or expect to have many more years of Fool’s Gold. It sucks.

          Just this morning I was debating on whether to go to my exercise class. I didn’t go on Monday, so this would be the second time I’d miss. I also didn’t do my home PT/exercises today, although I did do them on Monday and Tuesday. I seriously wondered what the point was/is to trying to keep myself in good physical shape. And, okay, it’s so I can have a longer and healthier life. The only actual benefit of staying physically active, at least in my opinion, is that it will keep me from being put into one of those facilities for old people.

          Then, there’s being the only half of a couple that’s left and all your friends still have their mates. They are off doing fun things or even fighting with and appreciating or not appreciating each other, but they are NOT lonely. They have meals together, work around their homes together, sleep together; pretty much do everything a couple does. I, on the other hand, go for days sometimes without speaking to another human. No one cares if I cook dinner or clean the bathroom. It’s lonely and I’m, quite frankly extremely tired of being lonely.

          Some people have jokingly (I think) suggested I visit one of those dating sites on the internet….Silver Singles for example but it’s probably more like silverplate. Can you just imagine what kind of partners would be available for a 76-year-old woman? I can and I’ve already done all the caretaking of a male person that I care to. Nope, no new partner for this woman, dating site or no.

          It wasn’t quite so lonely when I had my puppies. Kaizer went over the rainbow bridge in October. I expected to have Karma for years, but she joined her son just a few weeks ago. Even if they weren’t sitting on me, wanting me to play or wanting to go outside, they were still here. The sounds they made as they moved around the house, or even in their beddies, were comforting. Now, it’s just me and silence unless I play music which I do most of the time.

          I’m not going to get another fur buddy and have given away all the dog/cat paraphernalia to insure I don’t. Still, I see people out walking their dogs and feel a pang. A friend just got a new black lab puppy and I so want to reach through the screen and hug/pet him. It’s kind of like another phase of my life has passed by. And, yes, I could continue the phase of pet ownership, but I’m choosing not to do that. So, you say, quit whining about it.

          Now there’s also the question of travel. I’ve been considering a Viking cruise in Europe, but fear keeps me from making the commitment. I wasn’t the least bit afraid in 2020 when I drove myself to the airport, left my car and took that wonderful Caribbean cruise, and returned home to my car in the middle of the night. I felt much younger than I do now and extremely independent.

Then came the pandemic, but I figured at some point I would get out there and go again. That was before I was seriously ill the end of 2020. Even though I didn’t feel very sick, it did a number on my body and it’s only recently I’ve been able to do as much or as many of the things I did before I got sick.

          What does that have to do with my getting on a plane for foreign places. Well, it’s fear. What happens if I get sick so far from home, become injured in some way or who knows what? How would I get back home? Would one of my kids have to come get me? I have no idea.

          Then, too, there’s the fact I would be traveling alone. When I went to Costa Rica on my own seven years or so ago, practically everyone on the trip was part of a couple. Based on something I heard, some of the women thought I was there trolling for their men…seriously!!! Still, I made a couple of traveling buddies, but at the end of the day, they went to their rooms and I went to mine. There was no one with whom I could rehash the day. It was pretty much the same on the 2020 cruise. It was fun, especially having such warmth and sun in February, but still lonely and not as fun as it could have been.

          Even when it comes to trips that would be more local, I find myself looking, thinking, and then closing the web site because it just seems like so much work for so little return. Right now, the tulip fields are in bloom and I think about driving up there, having lunch in La Connor or coming home by way of Edison and that fabulous bakery and that’s it…I just think about it. I make no plans.

          Anyway, today it appears I’m having “pity party” for myself and have chosen to share it through my blog with you. Perhaps part of the reason for the “pity party” was the notebook I recently made for my son entitled, “Instructions on what to do when I die.” He asked me about what I’d had to do for John and then asked if I could provide him with information. So, I did.

Add to that today’s appointment with my attorney to update my “estate” plan. Seriously, that’s what he calls it…to me, only folks like Jeff Bezos, Bill Gates or Warren Buffet have “estate” plans. So, we’ll talk, make changes to the plan John and I did together years ago. Then, that’s it. Between the upon my death instructions and the estate plan, my kids will know how I expect my “afterlife” to be handled whether it’s next week or 20 years from now.

When I had breast cancer 21 years ago, I decided to CHOOSE how I was going to feel each day and make that choice positive. I felt no fear then because I expected to survive and continue on with my life…and I did. So, why am I not CHOOSING to go on that European trip or even to drive to the tulip fields? I’ve thought about it seriously and think it’s the idea of being older and being afraid of what could go wrong as opposed to go right. That makes it so much easier to hunker down and go nowhere. It’s so much easier to sit on the couch and read a book, work in the garden, binge watch shows on the television.

I guess staying put seems so much safer, but it’s definitely not the way I expected to experience my “golden years.” Guess I’ll eventually learn to appreciate my “Fool’s Gold” experiences such as they are/will be. Or, perhaps once the estate plan has been updated and this pity party of mine over, I’ll feel much more positive and CHOOSE to stop hunkering down and get out there. Time will tell I guess.

FAREWELL 2021

This blog post brings everyone who reads it my very best wishes for whichever holiday you and/or your family celebrate or celebrated as well as for 2022. May Covid stop learning the Greek alphabet, at least at such a fast pace (to steal a quote from a Christmas card I received). Of course, what we’d all like to see is for it to completely disappear or have us all develop a complete immunity as we did to smallpox and polio. And, yes, if wishes were horses (or electric cars) beggars would all ride.  

In my last post in early October, I mentioned my carpel tunnel problem. Well, once they did the nerve conduction study, the pain in my fingers (especially the fuck-you one) became almost unbearable. Some nights I went through two ice packs just to be able to drift off to sleep for a couple of hours. But, that’s all behind me now because I had surgery on 12/23, and it was the best Christmas present I could have received. The pain in my fingers has gone although some numbness remains and there was very little pain involved with the surgery. I get the stiches out on 1/3/22, and will proceed with therapy to strengthen not only my left, but my right hand as well. 

I’ve also decided that 2022 will be (knock wood) illness and physical problem free. I’m thinking positively about not seeing my doctor, not developing any new challenges, and staying as healthy as possible. To do that, I’m going to continue my fitness classes three times a week as well as my daily physical therapy exercises and stretches as well as walking with my neighbor as often as possible. If being positive about how my body feels and works and treating it as well as possible is what is needed, you can bet I’ll be just fine in 2022.   

October, November and December were fairly boring months. I didn’t do anything exciting enough to type about, and typing was a challenge after the nerve conduction test because I couldn’t feel my fingers at all. It’s still a bit of a challenge and I’ll be writing this over a few days because typing causes a bit of pain in my left hand. 

As most of you know, I had to have Kaizer euthanized in October. I still miss him every single day…his dancing on his hind legs as I carry his breakfast/dinner to where he ate, the silly smile he was able to give me because his lower chin stuck out, his enthusiasm when it was time to go outside, the way he’d nestle between my thighs, heave a big sigh and look at me with a smile as if to say, “It sure don’t get much better than this.”

 Karma has stepped up to fill in and spends a lot of time on the couch with me. She doesn’t have the enthusiasm her son had unless she gets a chance to dash out the front door and explore the neighborhood. Then she’s way enthusiastic and runs like a gazelle. I bought two beds, one for the car and try to take her on errands so she learns to like being in the car. The other one is in my bedroom and I allow her to sleep in there. She’s not allowed on my new bed though.  

I do have to admit it is much easier and less expensive with just one doggie. I’ve also come to the realization that some of the “accidents” I blamed on Karma were most likely made by Kaizer. There’s also so much less dog hair, and other detritus that comes in on their paws. Still, I miss my little snuggle bug Kaizer. 

Speaking of bedrooms, I am finally almost finished with what was the marital bedroom.  Going forward, it’s going to be known as my Revitalization Room and I absolutely love it. I painted the ceiling and walls a silvery gray and one wall is purple as is the blind and valance. It was the first time I’ve ever painted a room, so it’s not the great job a professional would do, but I’m happy with it, plus it’s not like I’m going to have visitors come share the space with me. Not only that, it is the last time I’ll do any painting…professional painter is the only way to go in my opinion.   

The furniture finally arrived the Tuesday after Thanksgiving, and the mattress on Wednesday. Then, it was time to wash all the linen and place it on the bed. I think it was another 10 days or so before I actually slept on my new mattress, surrounded by the treasures, pictures and shadow box displays I imported from my old bedroom or other parts of the house. I love, love, love my new bed and its linen, comforter, duvet and new pillows feel thick, comfy and wonderful. I also really enjoy raising and lowering the head so I can read or watch TV. 

Somehow or another, my name has been noticed by whoever or whatever in the ether. First, my bank account was hacked, but not by a lot, so the card wasn’t cancelled. Then, a few weeks later, it was hacked again, this time by crypto.com for quite a bit of money. This time, my card was cancelled while the fraudulent changes were cancelled. When I reported this to AJ and his wife, you would have thought I’d completely lost all my brains. They didn’t even wait to hear my story before chastising me about how I handled everything. They finally listened to what I did and agreed I did the right thing, but now I’m supposed to have a family conference if something like this happens again. 

I switched to another bank account while the first was cancelled and a new card issued, but then I got a message about that one. This bank immediately cancelled the card, subtracted the fraudulent charge and issued a new card. Not long after I got the new card for the first bank, I got another email about a fraudulent change, but checked and it was just plain bullshit. I seriously hope 2022 doesn’t bring me any further difficulties with the various cards I have. 

Finally, I decided to give up Facebook for a while, and wouldn’t you know that the first time I went back on, I was hacked and new friend requests were sent out. I immediately changed my password and notified FB friends that I’d been hacked. Again, I hope that’s it with FB, but I’m not spending any time there, so it doesn’t really matter. And, it’s not that I don’t miss some of the friends I have on FB, it’s more I just can’t stand the bullshit that keeps on coming whether I want it or not. 

I haven’t seen my Snohomish son and his family since the end of August. Only his wife is immunized and with three auto-immune diseases under my belt, I haven’t had the courage to just go there and take my chances. However, with people getting the delta or omicron variant even when fully immunized, perhaps I just need to take a chance and figure if I get it, I get it and it won’t be too bad. This damn Covid has certainly fucked up my life for the last almost two years…yeah, yeah, yeah, I know, you’re all thinking, “So, what’s so special about you??? ALL our lives were/are fucked up. Get over yourself.” 

AJ and his family are all totally vaccinated, so I do see them and am so grateful to both AJ and Angie and Haley for their assistance with various things. I sometimes think maybe Thor and his family aren’t vaccinated so they don’t have to deal with me. Anyway, AJ has spent many hours here working on the various “honey-dew” lists I email him. I try very hard not to be too demanding or ask for too much. I’m always surprised that what I think is a huge list only takes him an hour or two to complete. 

Angie, of course, was of great assistance when it came time for surgery on my wrist. I’d originally told Thor it was his turn, but since he’s not vaccinated, he couldn’t accompany me. She did a swell job of taking me and returning me home with my meds and fresh pizza. It’s very comforting to know I can call on her when needed. 

For the last couple of years, I’ve had someone who came to mow and edge my yard. This also included cleaning up the tons of leaves that fell in the fall. I don’t know what happened to him, but I finally called someone else who came and did the last mow, rake and put my garden in winter mode. It was way more expensive than the original person, but it’s done and looks great when not covered by snow. I’ll have to figure out what I’m going to do come spring and investigate hiring another firm to mow and edge every other week or so. 

A new erotic fiction book was begun and so far, four chapters are complete. Once my wrist heals and I can type again, I plan on working on Merciless Madeleine. I also researched agents and publishers of erotic fiction and will be emailing off submissions by the end of January. I seriously hope there is an agent or publisher who’d love to read my work and publish it as well. If that doesn’t work, I’m going to investigate self-publishing, first through Amazon, but there are other ways that will need some research as well. 

So, that pretty much brings y’all up to date for the rest of 2021. As I said in the beginning of this blog post, I wish you all the best 2022 has to offer. I also wish myself the best for 2022 as well with the goal of getting published and planning a river trip from Budapest to Amsterdam in 2023.

 

 

WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO BESIDES NOT WRITING -- PART III

 It’s been so long since I posted anything to my blog, I had to look back to see what I said the last time. Could not believe that post was dated 7/5/21…that’s three months today provided I get this posted. Wish I could report I’ve been travelling the world or lazing about eating chocolates, reading books and watching movies, but, nope…well, except for reading and watching Yellowstone. This is likely to be a looooooooong report. 

I began the last report talking about my health. Well, it’s improved somewhat and I learned the recurrent shingles diagnosis was wrong, wrong, wrong. The red marks and itching returned in July and one afternoon, I was so miserable I called Kaiser and told them I wanted someone to look at them in person and I didn’t care if it was the devil in hell. I got an appointment the next day and that MD (not my PCP) told me unequivocally it was not shingles. What’s interesting is that my body’s inflammation level was high according to the blood test that MD ordered. So, there may be a correlation between the itching and the inflammation and most like due to some form of allergy. The allergy quite possibly may be to the nightshade family, tomatoes in particular. I ate a whole bunch two nights in a row this week and have been trying not to scratch myself raw since. I LOVE tomatoes, especially the ones I grow myself. 

Of course, at my age, there’s always something new with the body that demands attention. I knew I had carpel tunnel in my left wrist (surgery on right in 1989), and have been damning the L&I MD who convinced me to not have the surgery on my left about 15 years ago. I made an appointment to see my MD in October to talk about surgery because the numbness and pain were increasing, even with wearing a brace. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I spent over two hours on the freeway which was the longest time I’d spent behind the wheel of a car since early 2020. I did wear my brace and didn’t think anything of the time I spent holding the steering wheel. Early the next morning, I woke feeling as though I held a grapefruit-sized ball of fire in my left hand. Long story short is the Consulting RN moved up my MD appointment and I now have a date for an EMG test and a consultation, both in November. I’ll most likely have surgery in December or January. Meanwhile, my middle finger is pretty much numb with first finger and thumb running a close second. And, even though they are “numb,” they all feel as though they are electrified. 

Meanwhile, through all this I’ve continued to walk and go to my fitness classes and seem to be getting stronger although there are some days when that doesn’t seem true. I saw a physical therapist and learned that my right shoulder pain was mainly due to my sleeping position…on my tummy with my arm up above my head. I couldn’t believe how much better it felt the first morning I kept my arm down, but it’s still a struggle to keep it down. And, like my MD, the physical therapist encouraged me to remain as active as possible. 

Not long after I wrote the above, I received a call about the mammogram I had last week…they wanted me to return. I spent almost 24 hours totally terrified because it brought the year 2000 back full bore and my experience then was what I went through again except this time the radiologist came in and said, “Everything’s just fine.”, rather than “We want to do a biopsy. Part of the terror, okay a huge part of the terror was facing the fact that if the diagnosis came back as breast cancer, this time I wouldn’t have anyone who would hold my hand for each and every MD appointment, chemo treatment, etc. This time I would have to do it alone which led me to think about how absolutely wonderful John was during that time and how alone I’m going to be no matter what the future brings with regard to health problems. Still, I’m feeling pretty good about my boob being just fine. 

And, my final health/body whine is that I’ve gained weight. It’s between six and ten pounds and that’s not a lot, but it’s all around my middle. I can barely button some of my jeans. Time to give in and just wear sweats or whatever has an elastic  waist. 

After all this, you know what?  I think I’m just about ready to give up all physical activity and become a couch/bed potato. There’s really been no big reward for all the toil and sweat so far. I feel a lot like Sisyphus rolling the rock up the hill day after day. Doesn’t there come a time when you just leave the rock where it is and use it as a chair or pillow??? Anyway, enough whining…on to better stories (I hope). 

My five fuchsia pots have outdone themselves with growth and blossoms. They are gorgeous and I forgot I had different ones, but I like the combinations I made without realizing what I was doing. I’m going to hate cutting them back and storing them away, but they should do well again next year. 

 

My dahlias did not do well this year. I have one plant that barely flowered. It’s probably because they need to be dug up and divided. I’m planning to dig them all up, divide and store them in the garage. I don’t think the garage freezes and I’ll winter them in boxes filled with paper shreds…cross your fingers and let me know if you want any tubers. I’m bound to have a lot. 

Claudia gave me a whole bunch of zinnia starts and I didn’t plant them immediately, so they were all rooted together. I pulled them apart and planted them in various places and they did absolutely wonderful. I’ve never had such luck with zinnias before and think I could plant them in every single location in the garden and not be disappointed. Now trying to collect zinnia seeds which I plan to mix with cosmos and poppy seeds and sprinkle all over the place. If they all come up in the spring, it should be glorious. 

Since I’m staying here, I went ahead and ordered some bulbs from Michigan Bulb. I don’t remember now what I ordered, but I’ll add them to what I’ve already established when they arrive. 

The really hot weather in June fried a lot of the tomato blossoms, but they finally began to produce tomatoes. I’m not too fond of the big yellow heritage ones because they seem to have very little taste. That plant produced a lot of largish tomatoes but they just weren’t very tasty. The chocolate cherry tomatoes finally began to produce and neighbors and family members were recipients of the surplus. I also had red cherry tomatoes, but they didn’t do well and were small but tasty. The yellow small pear tomatoes were fairly tasteless as well. Peas and beans didn’t survive the hundred-degree temps. Pumpkin plants were a bust, but zucchini and delicata squash produced. Also had some home-grown lettuce and may still get another serving depending on the weather. 

There’s lots of fall work waiting in the garden and I’m not looking forward to it, especially as my best helper, Haley, has gone east to school. I’ll just have to do what I can when I can. Of course, I strongly wish I’d been able to find something smaller without much of a yard and move, but oh well, it is what it is. 

By now, you probably figure I’ve updated the marital bedroom and moved in. Well, you’ve figured wrong. I found and bought a duvet cover I loved and took one of the pillow shams to Home Depot and purchased two colors…a sort of silvery gray and a lightish purple. As of today, I’ve painted the ceiling and walls the gray, but haven’t returned to paint the purple wall nor have I painted the closet doors. This was, of course, before my left wrist started acting up. I’m hoping to finish by the end of this month, but if you’ve stuck with my updates, you know that can change practically overnight. 

What’s really holding me up now is there is no rush to finish because the bedroom furniture I went out and ordered won’t reach the warehouse until 11/27 and who knows how soon they’ll deliver and set up in my room. I also ordered a mattress which could have been delivered immediately, but they’re holding it until the furniture arrives. Now I need to order bed linen as well as window coverings. Spend, spend, spend...that's me.

I believe I wrote about ordering new glass for the windows where the seal had failed and the fact, I was told the current frame for the huge front window might not keep the glass from falling out. So, a new frame was ordered some time the beginning of June. I finally followed up the middle of August and was told the frame is due to be delivered on 12/11.  

The side shed didn’t get removed during the summer because everyone’s schedules couldn’t be matched up. It’s fine and I’ll hire someone to do it after the first of the year. That’s also when I’ll get bids and hire (maybe the same person) to replace the deck roof. So, I’m moving, although very slowly, on getting stuff done around here. 

Besides seeing Haley about once a week when she came to help me out, I also got to spend time with Arayli and Xander this summer. Now that school’s started, I’m not going to see them as often, but they say it’s not the frequency but the quality of time I’ll spend with them that counts. I’ve promised them both something absolutely wonderful in January if their report cards are outstanding as well. Between now and then I’ll give them gentle reminders about how great it is to learn and receive good grades. Also, between now and then, I’ll be looking for something wonderful to give each of them, i.e., some kind of experiences that a 13-year-old girl and a 7-year-old boy would be totally blown away by. Suggestions extremely welcome.

My weekly visits with Haley have come to a halt. She left for Wyoming and school and won’t be home until Christmas and then for only a week. I’m so thankful for cell phones, my I-pad and her I-phone because I’ll be reaching out at least once a week to see how she’s doing. Plus, her birthday is next month and it will be the first one since the day I saw her come into the world that I won’t be able to give her a birthday spanking, hug and kiss. Still, I’m very proud of her drive and initiative and know whatever the future might bring her, it’s going to be rock solid. 

Speaking of spending money, my puppy Kaizer has developed a horrible cough.
Aside from the cough, he's eating well, doesn't have a temperature an seems just fine otherwise. I thought it was kennel cough, but where he could have gotten it, I have no idea. I checked in with the groomer because it started the day after he was there. Even so, it takes 5-7 days for it to appear, so it couldn't have been that. When we talked, she told me that for some small dogs, coughing can be a sign of a heart problem. I ordered some cough medicine and if it isn't better in another day, I'll be making an appointment with the vet and you know just how expensive those can be, especially if they have to do a lot of tests. 

Of course, while you’ve enjoyed the hell out of this missive, I know you’re wondering when I’m going to begin writing again and posting chapters on a daily basis. I have to say I don’t know. I’ve updated and finalized SHE as well as written a submission letter. Now all I have to do is send them off to an agent. Meanwhile, when I can I need to finalize and update WATER RIGHTS and UNDER CONSTRUCTION so they can be sent out into the world as well. 

I have written one chapter of a book that might be called Merciless (thank you Claudia for the M word) Madeleine and have kind of outlined a few additional chapters. As the weather brings us more gray and wet, I’ll have and/or take the time to sit here at the computer and write more. It’s something I really do enjoy and something that makes me feel good. 

Finally, as I posted in Facebook on the anniversary of Joh’s death and our wedding anniversary, enough time has passed the anger I felt has dissipated and the good memories surfaced. In fact, just recently, I’ll be driving and see something that makes me think of him and my entire body feels a huge pang of loss. Or, I’m busy around here, see something, hear a song, watch something on TV and the same thing happens. While I’m grateful for the good memories, those pangs bring a moment of sadness that he’s not here so we can make more memories together like that. I also have come to believe that he’d be proud of me for how I’ve moved on and ahead with my life, the pets, house and garden. Still, I think I miss him more with each day that passes than I did initially. It is very lonely. Those of you who still have a partner, please cherish your time together. 

Okay, that’s pretty much it for this missive. I’ll try to do better with regard to writing something new and posting for your reading pleasure. Meanwhile, y’all take care, get your vaccinations, wear your masks, be positive and upbeat as well as careful when you venture out into the world.

WHAT I’VE BEEN UP TO BESIDES NOT WRITING – Part Two

 

          Since I began the last update with a health report, I’ll do the same here. Had another MD appointment because my right shoulder was/is so sore and I thought perhaps she’d send me to physical therapy before I totally screw it up and need shoulder surgery. Meanwhile, between the time of making the appointment and getting there, my entire body decided to revolt. Waking up in the morning sucks because the pain throughout my body is so dreadful, I don’t want to get out of bed. Everything hurts, but as the day progresses, the pain diminishes until by evening I feel more or less fine.

So, at the MD, we talked of various possibilities and she ordered labs again which all came back normal. I’ve begun keeping a daily journal to see if there’s any kind of pattern. I’ve also decided to not eat any nightshade plants, i.e., potatoes, tomatoes (and I’ve five pots growing), peppers, eggplants and various other stuff which I don’t normally eat. The reason for this is itching and the other night, I had ten cherry tomatoes in my salad and almost scratched myself raw the following day. If it is a new allergy to these plants, then that’s an easy fix.

After the labs came back, I emailed my MD and asked her if I could have fibromyalgia. Her response was that it is possible, that or some other central nervous problem, but I’m already taking two of the meds they prescribe for fibromyalgia, so if I have that, the meds should be helping with the symptoms, but don’t seem to be doing much.

My MD also encouraged me to return to my morning exercises, fitness class and walking because exercise helps with fibromyalgia. I am back in the fitness class but haven’t begun a daily walk. I’ve also tried the morning exercises and the second time, ended up with a huge cramp that made me stop.

Folks talk about the quality of life as being a reason for continuing. It’s not that I would ever do anything to hurt myself, it’s just that when it comes to my physical health, the quality of my life sucks at this point in time.

Okay, enough of that. So, as I said in my pervious update, I do try to do stuff and look at the accomplishments achieved. The three fuchsia pots that became five are doing well and should soon be blossoming. That pleases me a lot. I’ve managed to keep the huge hanging pot and huge deck pot of flowers Angie picked up for me at Costco going as well. Was even smart enough to move it out of full sun (the deck pot) so those really HOT days didn’t cook it.

And, speaking of those really hot days. I’m assuming everyone survived it as did I and now live in the hope nothing like that ever returns to the Pacific Northwest. A friend who is usually optimistic told me, “Just wait until August.” Personally, I’m hoping we just had our August weather and that when August arrives, fall comes with it. As for the garden, that hot sun did a real number on so many of my plants and trees, i.e., apple and tulip trees have burned leaves, alstroemeria was cooked, lots of leaves on nasturtium burned, hostas terribly burned, most likely peas and beans won’t be producing and, of course, my lovely green grass is now brown. I also planted some more lettuce and spinach and it’s come up, but seriously doubt anything will be harvestable for another month or more.

Besides all that, my lilies are blooming way too early and will probably be completely done by the middle of July.  But, that’s okay because by the looks of things, the dahlias should begin to flower just about then. I’m not looking forward to my water bill, but I can’t not water and simply let everything I’ve worked so hard on just die. Plus, there’s the new plants I purchased or was given that haven’t taken complete hold quite yet.

The lean-to on the side of the house remains because the day AJ and Alex were going to come take it down, the weather was way too hot. Haley wouldn’t have been able to join in as planned because she has a new job and would have worked that day. Maybe some time in the next month they can all figure out a cooler day when they’re all available and come remove it.

I did finally, just this past week install the indoor-outdoor carpet at the entrance to my house. It looks great except I’m not happy with myself because I absolutely knew better. I have sewn most of my life and know that material goes in a certain way and you need to cut your pattern so it doesn’t look odd. You think I thought of that when I prepared the second piece to be glued down??? NOPE, I didn’t give it a thought, so the second piece goes in the opposite direction of the first. Haley told me she notices the seam, but not the direction. I still need to cut a small piece to place adjacent the first piece (it’s about an inch or so wide) to cover up the concrete that shows.

I still haven’t finished cleaning out the marital bedroom, but I have made some progress.  By the end of July, I hope to have it emptied, painted and a new bed purchased. We’ll see how I’ve done in the next update.

          I did pick up Xander, but unfortunately, it was a rainy day so we couldn’t do much. We just came back here and ordered pizza, played games and watched some television. Even though we didn’t do anything special, it was wonderful to have him here and by the way he was telling his dad what we did, I think he had fun.        

          This coming Sunday I’ll be giving my niece a bridal shower. A number of invitees will be joining by ZOOM, so the total folks in attendance will probably be less than 15. Still, it’s the first event I’ve had in more than a year and I’m looking forward to it, not to mention, my house will be CLEAN for the first time in more than a year. Arayli’s 13^th birthday is also this coming week. We’re going to go to Sprouts and pick up sushi, then walk aboard the Kingston ferry for a ride back and forth. Then, on Thursday, Arayli’s actual birthday, I’ll join the family for cake and ice cream in the evening. What fun things I have to look forward to this week.

          I got through John’s birthday and Father’s Day without too much difficulty and AJ helped in that regard. He took the glass orb that includes John’s ashes for a ride in the ‘57 Chevy pick-up. He sent me photos of the orb in the front window, but for safety’s sake, he put his dad in the seat while they were driving. That definitely made me smile.

As most of you who read my blog know, I did finish Under Construction, and have begun thinking/planning the next book. So far, I’ve the basic idea, the names of the man and woman and a few other things figured out. But, since I’ve now finished three novels, I really should get them in order and submit to an agent and/or publisher.

So, there’s my update.

UNDER CONSTRUCTION, CHAPTER 31

 

         The first two months of the new year seemed to move a bit more slowly than the ones at the end of the year. Charlie’s body continued to change and she was finally feeling hugely fat and pregnant. She still had a hard time believing there was only one baby in there, but Sandi assured her that being pregnant the last two months had always made her feel as though she must be having twins or triplets. They agreed they couldn’t understand how any woman could have huge multiple births and remain sane in their own bodies.

If Charlie had felt like she needed to move into the bathroom because she had to pee so often, as each and every day went by, the water she took in seemed to pass right through her. If she hadn’t been so thirsty most of the time, she swore she’d have given up drinking anything. Sandi also suggested she try Depends or begin wearing menstrual pads, but that seemed disgusting, although she wondered what was more disgusting panties with pee in them or something to catch the pee. And, it only got worse when the baby turned head down. She was sure her bladder was incapable of holding more than a tablespoon of fluid.

Charlie was looking forward to beginning her maternity leave the beginning of March. She was looking forward to spending some time nesting and just lazing about the house for a week or two, but the baby had other plans. She was holding her final meeting with Stephanie and Dennis before beginning her leave when her water broke. And, it didn’t just begin to leak out, but gushed, wetting her from the crotch down. By the looks of what ended up on the floor, Charlie thought there must have been gallons in there. She was horribly embarrassed, but Steph and Dennis, both parents, immediately took over.

          “Dennis, while I call Adam, go get my car. We’re gonna need to get her to the hospital ASAP.”

          “Adam, this is Stephanie. Charlie’s water just broke and I’m taking her to the hospital now. We’ll meet you there.”

          Just then, Charlie felt the first contraction and it hurt. Once it passed, she looked at Stephanie and said, “Jesus, but that hurt like a bitch.”

          “They do sometimes Charlie, but you’ll be fine. Now, let’s walk you out to my car.”

          On the way out, Charlie had to stop as another contraction rolled through her. When she could walk again, she asked, “How long is this gonna last. It’s horrible.”

          “You won’t even remember once the baby arrives.” Stephanie reassured her as she grabbed a blanket from the backseat and placed it on the passenger seat. “Now, climb in there and let’s get you buckled up. I’ve a feeling I need to drive faster than the speed limit because your contractions are strong and so close together. This is amazing for a first baby.”

          While Stephanie drove, Charlie tried to concentrate on what she’d learned in the birthing classes. The next time a contraction arrived, her breathing was her entire focus. She had additional contractions before Stephanie pulled into the hospital ER and jumped from the car.

          In the midst of another contraction, Charlie barely realized the car had stopped or Stephanie had left until her car door opened and a white-clad person reached in to help her out and into a wheelchair. She was barely pushed through the entrance when Adam appeared by her side. “Oh baby. You okay? What can I do?”

          “Excuse me sir, but you need to get out of the way. We need to take her to the maternity ward right now.”

          Charlie didn’t pay attention to anyone. Another contraction was coming and this time she wanted to do something about it. She clenched her teeth and took a deep breath only to have her concentration broken by a voice in her ear, “Don’t bear down, don’t bear down. Pant, that’s it, pant. Just pant, don’t push.”

          When the pain began to leave, she heard the voice yell, “We don’t have time for a labor room. We need to get her into delivery STAT.”

          Before another pain arrived, most of her clothes were gone, she’d been moved onto a gurney, and there was someone, her doctor she realized, between her thighs. “She’s fully dilated and I can see the head crowning. Okay Charlie, the next contraction, I want you to push. I want you to push as hard as you can.”

          While they waited, Charlie realized that somehow Adam had managed to get behind her and as the next contraction began, he raised her to an almost sitting position. She grabbed hold of the arm he’d placed around her chest and squeezed so hard he thought she’d break his bone. Teeth gritted, grunting and groaning, Charlie pushed before the pain left and she slumped back against Adam. It wasn’t much of a rest because almost immediately, the pain began to resume. Again, Adam propped her up as she grunted and pushed with every muscle she had. Before the pain totally diminished, there was the sound of a newborn cry in the delivery room.

          Charlie sank back against Adam as an ugly little thing was placed on her abdomen. Oh my god, there’s something wrong with my baby she thought as Adam moved away to cut the baby’s umbilical cord.

          “You have a beautiful, healthy boy Charlie. Congratulations.” Her doctor said.

          Charlie shook her head and crying, asked, “What’s wrong with it? It looks so bad.”

          “Charlie, there’s nothing wrong. He’s just covered with birthing material. Once he’s been cleaned up, he’ll be pink and lovely. Here.” And her doctor placed it on her chest.

          Charlie looked down into a pair of dark blue eyes that seemed to know her down to her very soul. His forehead wrinkled and his mouth seemed to form a smile before opening wide in a yawn, as if to say, “Getting born’s hard work.”

          Then, he was taken away while they tended to Charlie. The doctor told Adam how surprised she was to have Charlie’s water break and the birth happen so closely together. “She’s a lucky woman. It may have been painful, but it didn’t last long. She’s a natural breeder.”

          Charlie, still conscious of the horrendous pain snorted. Natural breeder my ass she thought. I won’t ever be doing this again in my life.

          Once she was ensconced in her room, all clean and tidy, the nurse brought in the baby bucket on wheels in which her son was all bound up tight and sound asleep.

          “Do you want to hold him?” The nurse asked.

          “Yes, please.”

          Once he was in her arms, with Adam beside the bed, Charlie undid the snug blankets. She knew it was important to keep the baby tightly wrapped, but she had to see him. “Oh, Adam, look at those toes. Look at his little fingers. Oh, Adam, isn’t he the most beautiful baby you’ve ever seen?”

          Adam agreed and helped her re-wrap the baby as he began to cry. “Maybe he’s hungry.” Adam suggested.

          It was as if she’d been doing it her whole life. Charlie moved her gown aside and lifted him to nestle against her bare chest. She used her hand to direct his mouth to her nipple. He looked like a little bird as his head flopped back and forth, looking for a way to get the nipple. Then, he latched on and Charlie felt such a connection with her child, she wasn’t sure she could explain it or identify it. Such contentment. Such peace. Such love.

          Charlie looked at Adam with tears in her eyes. “Thank you for this Adam. Thank you for him.”

          Adam responded with the gentlest of kisses as his huge hand cupped the baby’s head.

          Since Charlie was already breastfeeding successfully and since her labor and delivery had no complications, her doctor allowed her to go home late evening. Before the birth, Charlie had thought she’d be terrified to bring the baby home all on her own. She’d thought she’d need her mamma and maybe even Sandi with her for reassurance, but that wasn’t the case. 

          The birth had happened so quickly, there hadn’t been any time to call the various family and friends who were going to be involved at the hospital and when she went home. Once Adam got her settled into their bed, the bassinet with the little guy in it adjacent, he began calling everyone to share the news. Of course, most people wanted to come visit, but realized it was much too late. He even managed to hold Ruth Ann off until late morning the next day. He also hoped there wouldn’t be a deluge of visitors because he really wanted some time for just the three of them to adjust to each other. 

          As if the fast labor and delivery had been a gift, the new baby made his presence known almost immediately. Adam was still making phone calls when he began to cry. Charlie scooped him up and offered him her nipple, but he ignored it, continuing to cry to the point he was all red. Charlie was sure there was something wrong. She tried jiggling him against her chest and that didn’t help. She checked his diaper and he was dry. She didn’t know what to do and joined her baby in crying. While she wasn’t screeching like he was, the tears were flowing fast and hard down her face when Adam came back in the bedroom.

          “Something’s wrong Adam. We have to go back to the hospital. Something’s the matter with our baby. Oh my God, I don’t know what to do.”

          Adam took the little guy from Charlie and began to hum a tune he’d hummed against Charlie’s tummy throughout the pregnancy. He, too, jiggled the baby but walked around as he did so. Soon, the cries had turned into little whimpers and hiccoughs and he was again sleep.

          Charlie smiled through her tears, “Well, look at you, the baby whisperer. Oh Adam, I’m so glad you knew what to do. This just scared the hell out of me. What’s going to happen when you’re not here? I can’t believe I thought I could be a mom and raise a child. I’m going to be horrible at this.”

          “Honey, you forget I have nieces and nephews and was around when most of them were born. I babysat for every single one of them when I was needed and mom wasn’t available. I’ve had crying babies in my life before, but this one is the most special. As for you being a mom, you’ll be great and I’ll be here to help always.”

          Adam put the baby back into his bassinet and climbed on the bed with Charlie. She carefully snuggled up against him because her bottom was sore from the birth. She didn’t know if she’d had to have stitches and hadn’t asked, but very much pressure caused pain.

          “So, what are we going to name the little guy?” Adam asked Charlie. I know we talked about several male names, but we never did make a decision. Now that he’s here, what do you think will best fit our boy? My siblings have already used my parent’s names, so we don’t have to think about that. You want to name him after your dad?”

          Charlie was silent for a bit, reviewing the various names they’d sort of put on their list before suggesting, “Maybe daddy’s name as a middle name, but I’ve never really liked the name Simon. How about Charles Adam and we could call him Chase?”

          “Using both our names doesn’t leave much for any other kid we have.”

          “Speak for yourself buddy. Your bottom doesn’t hurt when you plop down on it. I seriously doubt I’ll want to do this again…EVER.”

          “I heard that’s what most women who just gave birth say, but I’ve also heard that you’ll soon forget the pain and difficulty.”

          “Yeah, well I’m not most women, I’m me and don’t plan to do this EVER again.” Both times, Charlie had emphasized the word ever, but Adam didn’t seem to hear it.

          “Okay, well, how about the name that was at the top of the boy’s list? I really did like Jacob Rowan so we could call him JR. What do you think? I like that better than Charles Adam.”

          Charlie heaved a big sigh and yawned. “Okay, fine. JR it is then. I think I brought the paper home that we’re supposed to fill out and send in. You’ll have to find it. Geeze, but I’m tired.”

          Adam lay there for a while as Charlie slept. He was sure they’d have more children than just JR, but he didn’t plan to push the idea for at least a year. Surely by then Charlie would be like all the other women he’d known and have forgotten the trauma of JR’s birth.

          Adam was almost asleep too when JR began to fuss. Adam pulled away from Charlie who didn’t wake and picked up the baby. He changed his diaper and could tell the baby wanted to suck, so he woke Charlie up. Her milk wasn’t in yet, but what the baby did get now was full of good stuff.

          He hummed and jostled JR until Charlie returned from the bathroom, complaining loudly about how much it hurt to pee. She plumped her pillows and carefully got back in bed. When she was ready, Adam handed JR to her and watched as Charlie exposed her nipple to the baby and the small grimace she made as he latched on.

          Charlie leaned back against the pillows and looked down at her son. His little mouth worked hard sucking on her nipple. His eyes gazed into hers and again, she felt such a close connection with him. She continued to stare, as if hypnotized, until JR’s eyes began to lose focus and close. She was sorry to lose that connection but knew she would have it again and looked forward to the experience.

          Her own eyes began to drift closed too and she thought about the big changes that had occurred in her life in such a short time. Her little house, Adam’s entry into her life, his importance to her, the wedding, the pregnancy, and now the little mite whose weight gently rested against her.

          Charlie’s last thought as she joined her baby in sleep was that she’d never ever expected her life to be this good. Her lips curved up in a smile as she realized she had a whole lifetime ahead that included Adam and JR and maybe, someday, a sibling for JR.

finis