COMPUTERS...

 

can just drive me crazy. For that matter, just about everything these days that has to do with electronics is capable of making me absolutely nuts. My computer is the reason there is no SHE today. When I sat down to write yesterday, my computer wouldn’t allow me to visit any of the internet sites I needed for reference so SHE could sound as though she was actually in Salt Lake City. I’ve never been there, so I have no personal reference information.

So, I messed about with my computer, trying this and that and the next thing. I emptied my recycle bin, rearranged all the icons on my desktop, and tried a bunch of other stuff. Still, nothing changed and I finally broke down and called my daughter-in-law who knows way more about this stuff. She tried to walk me through some various steps, but nothing changed. So, she said she’d come by after work today and in return I said I would make dinner.

On to other stuff, and while I was doing that, I thought about how I’d tried everything except unplugging comcast and then reconnecting. So, I gave that a try and guess what…everything returned to the way it had been before and I could once again access the internet sites I needed…have I told you just how much I HATE comcast. Unfortunately, it was too late in the day for me to write a new chapter. Angie and AJ are still coming for dinner though, so that was a plus resulting from the computer mess.

And, as long as I’m complaining about electronics, let me add my phone to the mix. My phone used to knock when I had a message. It also used to show a number by the message icon as to how many messages I had not yet read. I’ve gone to settings and done everything I can think of, and still my phone refuses to knock or show numbers. People probably think I’m just ignoring them, but unless I choose the message icon, I don’t know I have messages.

Then there’s the people who have the ability to talk to their phones and get a response to their questions. The only time this works for me is when I access maps. Then, my phone will talk and give me directions. Angie showed me one day that I do have little microphone icons for various icons on my phone, i.e., the internet, Google, messages, etc. Somehow, after she showed me those little microphones, they all disappeared. I can’t find them anywhere. Maybe I can get her to show me again after dinner today.

Now that I’ve begun my morning…and yours…whining, I’ll get this posted and move on with my day. Somewhere amongst chores, I plan to get another chapter written for posting tomorrow. It won’t be titillating or have any erotica since the old woman is in charge for a few chapters, or at least until SHE arrives at her final destination. And, you know, those chapters are the most fun to imagine and write. Maybe that’s another reason I’m not writing SHE every day…it’s just not as much fun when SHE’s not being naughty.

JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS

 

On Monday, the 12^th, it will be 14 months since John died…14 months that I’ve been alone attempting to sort through all the crap he left behind. Yes, I’ve made progress and I’ll detail that in a bit, but today, it seems as though he and his presence has been gone from my life a far shorter time. Does this grieving ever end or does it keep returning when least expected and smack you right upside the head…or heart…or whatever?

So, rather than dwell on loss, I’ll report on progress. Some of you may already know that I had a garage sale. It lasted three days, but only four hours on the third day. At times, depending on what walked away from the driveway and on how cheaply it went, I’d look up over the house, expecting to see the Karlberg Memorial Apple Tree in flames or at least smoking. What didn’t sell at the garage sale took three trips to Goodwill with the back of Ravi filled to the brim and there’s quite possibly one trip to go.

Still, John got even with me for getting rid of his stuff at the garage sale. I drove Ravi on Thursday night so Haley could put up the signs. Then I parked her across the end of the driveway and she didn’t move again until Sunday afternoon when it was time to take down the signs. When I started Ravi, three dashboard lights came on, including the “check engine” light. So, Monday I called Magic Toyota and got an appointment for the afternoon. Turns out it was an oxygen sensor at a cost of $509 and change. I figure John crept out from under the tree on Saturday night and broke it on purpose. Still passive-aggressive in death.

Just this past week, I called the 1-800-GOT JUNK folks and they came out and hauled away five filing cabinets and a bunch of metal. Yes, I had to pay them, but it’s all gone and won’t be coming back. Just this week, I also parked Ravi in the garage…the first time a car of mine has resided in the garage in 51.5 years. Ravi really likes it in there and I do too. I’ll especially love it when it freezes and I don’t have to scrape the windows to see.

Over these 14 months, AJ, Thor and Haley have each hauled stuff to their homes to keep as well as a couple truckloads of stuff to the dump. I personally recycled boxes of magazines at the Shoreline Waste Management location. I also took two truckloads of hazardous stuff to the hazardous waste collection site in Seattle.

Last weekend, Thor came and loaded up all the collectible cards John had acquired, including the Coco Cola and Harley Davidson Gold cards. He’s much more savvy about selling on E-Bay, so perhaps at some point I’ll get a few dollars from those. It doesn’t really matter because at least I do not have to spend time sorting and cataloguing and trying to figure out how much any of them are worth.

And, did you know they make collectible smut cards? I believe I reported on finding porn in John’s room and closet about a year ago and how he took it from friends whose wives found it and said it had to go. I never saw him with any of it and I also knew he couldn’t have watched the videos or DVDs because he couldn’t operate those players. Well, apparently, he actually purchased these cards, about the size of a card from a deck of cards. Not only that, but he organized them in three-ring binders and in some cases in plastic baggies with notations about which ones he didn’t have. He even flattened and saved the boxes in which they came. He must have done all this while I was still working because I didn’t have any idea about smut cards until I began cleaning out one of the safes.

How can you live with a man for almost 55 years and not have any idea about some of his interests and hobbies? I really thought I knew him well, but after spending the last year going through all the crap in the garage and his room, I must have spent a couple of decades or more with a stranger even though it didn’t seem that way. So why do I still have days like this where I miss him so much.

So, things are moving along here. About the only thing left to finish up are the stamps. I began organizing them last fall and will complete that this winter. Then, the boys can take their notebook of airmail stamps to their homes and one of them can keep the remainder of the collection or they can split it. I do have to say that it’s a good thing we didn’t depend on John’s collectibles for our retirement. If that had been it, we’d have been living on the street in no time. It’s like the saying about one man’s treasure being another man’s gold…the problem is you have to find someone who thinks your treasure is their gold and that’s not easy to do.

I’ve tentatively made plans for the future. What I’d like to do is hire a company to do an estate sale around about May 2021. With the exception of the things I want to keep, the remainder can be purchased by whoever comes by looking for a deal. Then, the house will go on the market in May/June 2021.

Meanwhile, once a week or so, I go to Redfin and look at property for sale. I would love to have something on a small river or lake so I could kayak first thing in the mornings. That may not be possible, but a piece of land that already has utilities available would be good and if it had a view even better.

I’m also looking at tiny houses…not the really tiny ones, but 1,000 square feet or less. I’d love to be my own project manager having it built just the way I want it on the property I find. Time will tell if I can manage to work all this out.

Of course, my ideal plan would find me in Costa Rica November through March each year enjoying the tropical breezes and great weather. And who knows, maybe I can make that happen once I’ve sold the house and whatever plans I make come to fruition.

Still, no one really talks much about how a 24/7 period can stretch out so it seems more like an entire month. Of course, no one planned on this pandemic either and I’m sure my life would be a lot different than it is if I could have followed that one February cruise with additional trips to here and there and everywhere.

When days like this rise up and smack me one, I try to remember it’s up to me to CHOOSE how I react. I remind myself life could be much worse, i.e., I could LACK an income, family, friends, neighbors, good health, Facebook, good books, gardening, the ability to amuse myself with writing SHE chapters, etc. Instead, I’m fortunate to have all those things in my life and they all make my life ever so much better. On days like this, I am very grateful for what I do have.

ANOTHER THREAD HAS BROKEN

 

Once again, I didn’t have a SHE episode to post for today. A friend passed away yesterday morning. He was a colleague at Woodland Park Zoo, and there are many many of us who are going to miss this caring and devoted man. I know he read my blog because he told me so. He read it because I became a widow and he wanted to have some idea of what his wife, as a widow, might experience. He never commented on SHE, but it’s my hope he was continuing to read and that he saw my writing of SHE as a positive, that once time passed, I was able to become creative again.

I miss knowing he is out there living amongst us. I believe I’ve said something like this in the past, that my life (your life?) is made up of all these threads and it resembles a tapestry that grows and grows over time as more and more threads are woven into it. Eventually, that tapestry begins to lose a thread here and a thread there. Each time the loss of that thread leaves a hole in the tapestry. Today, there is another hole in my tapestry and my heart hurts for all those who loved this man and the thread of his life that was woven into each of their tapestries.

BUSY AND SAD

 

         Sorry I didn’t get a SHE installment ready for today. I wasn’t feeling especially creative. It’s hard to be creative when you’re feeling sad and lonely and watch parts of your life go away. And, okay, this has been the goal for months now, but I’m finding it’s still hard to say farewell.

Saturday morning, AJ, Thor and Haley all arrived at the house. Haley and I drove (well, just Haley drove) AJ’s truck full of recyclables out to Kenmore for the recycle event Kenmore and LFP were having today. We eliminated about seven old tires, a huge television set, an old and very heavy laptop, the spare tonneau cover from the Silverado and its side rails (why on earth John brought that back home when he got a new one, I have no idea), and some other electronic stuff.

When we got back, AJ and Thor were hard at work removing crap from the north side of the house. So much rotten wood I’m surprised I don’t have carpenter ants. Other pieces of wood, some good and some bad. The pieces of good wood, Thor took home with him. AJ piled all the other wood and nasty stuff in his truck for a dump trip. There were also probably a dozen huge cardboard boxes that had been stacked up flat. Amazingly, they weren’t wet and Haley cut them up. They’re now leaning against the telephone pole at the end of the driveway ready for the recycle truck on Monday.

Originally, I’d planned to pay Haley to drive Thor’s stuff in her truck to his house, but amazingly, he got everything including some stuff he wanted I’d designated for Goodwill into his van. As I’ve said before, I’m not good with sizes that involve square feet, inches, yards, cubic area or whatever. I really have to have a ruler or tape measure to figure out just how big an item actually is.

Then, the boys (somehow I cannot call them men even though they are 50 and 40), went into John’s room and sorted through a huge box of ammunition. Each one took half of what was there. They’re also going to come back and each take an empty gun safe to their own homes.

On the lighter side of things, it is always so enjoyable to watch my two boys and granddaughter in action. They laugh and joke and talk about the various pieces of stuff they’re dealing with. Sometimes they curse their father when they come across something that really should have been dealt with in a better way…like the ground wire to the electric panel John had installed a few years ago.

I enjoy listening to them and adding my own thoughts and ideas when appropriate. This morning I apologized I guess one too many times because AJ got upset with me and kinda yelled. He told me I had nothing to be sorry for that we’re all dealing with dad’s shit and to stop saying sorry. So, even though I hate having all of them spend their off hours helping me deal with this crap, I guess I won’t be saying sorry…at least aloud…in the future.

Today, I did tell them that when I leave this house for my new one that they will not have to move anything for me. If all goes as well as I’m hoping it will, I’ll walk out the front door and everything I’m taking with me will fit in my Rav4. While I’m not SHE, I am planning and hoping that once I find that particular piece of property and have a very small house erected, I can purchase all new furnishings and anything else I’ll need to make it MY home.

Then, an extra special treat after they all left. AJ’s friend Andrew, my third son, came by to pick up the vinyl I’d missed the last time he was here. He had a latte and stayed to chat for a while. Andrew has a great sense of humor and we spent probably an hour or more talking and laughing about their exploits when they were in school as well as a variety of other things. Then, he went through the boxes of vinyl and was really happy with what he found there. I think it was the original vinyl of HAIR he said would remain in the store and not be sold.

It was very bittersweet going through those record albums with Andrew. They were the ones we kept in our electronic tower (you know, turntable, tuner and whatever else came in those things). They were the ones we listened to the most often, but probably haven’t been played for a couple decades or more. They were all in really good shape and brought more than one great memory to the forefront. But, that’s all in the past and gone and soon, someone else will be able to purchase them and enjoy them as much as we did all those years ago.

So, that was it for my Saturday. Now, even though it’s windy, the sun is out and I should go do some gardening. But, I don’t feel like it. I feel more like curling up on the couch with my doggies and reading a book. Maybe by getting lost in someone else’s story, the sad and lonely will fade away. Besides, I am moving forward and that’s a very good thing.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AJ

         

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY SONNY-BOY, AJ. Yes, today is AJ’s birthday so I’m posting this instead of the next SHE saga. At 2:43 pm this afternoon, my boy will be 50 years old…yes, that’s FIFTY. I can hardly believe he’s that old or that so much time has gone by since his birth. On the big plus side, I have 50 years-worth of memories of this wonderful individual.

In the beginning, he wasn’t too enthused about entering the world. I was having regular contractions, but not dilated enough, so I had to walk the floor of University Hospital for hours. After lunch, my doctor came in and decided to break my water, hook AJ up to a monitor and start a Pitocin drip. As he left to go teach a class, he told me, “I get off at 5:00 pm.”

Well, I loved my doctor and apparently, so did AJ. There were only 11 contractions after the Pitocin drip began and two of those were pushing. The chief resident couldn’t believe it and wanted to keep the graph paper, but my doctor gave it to me. It still resides in AJ's baby book.

I hadn’t eaten since dinner the night before and was so thirsty. Finally, John was told to go get me some ice chips. That’s when the resident checked me and began yelling, “It’s coming, the baby’s coming.” The next thing I knew, they were wheeling me out of the room. John was plastered up against the wall holding the ice chips and looking absolutely dazed. The nurse stayed right alongside me saying, “Breath, breath, don’t bear down.”

In the delivery room, there he was, the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen in my life. Fifty years ago, they didn’t talk about post-partum depression or anything else having to do with having a baby. AJ was not an easy baby. One doctor told me he was very intelligent because he already knew there was more to life than being in a crib and that more was my holding and interacting with him. This went on from about 7:00 am until 11:00 pm or later for over eight months. I was exhausted.

The first time he didn’t get up at 7:00 am, a friend called and when she told me what time it was, I dropped the phone saying, “Oh my God, he’s dead.” Well, thankfully he wasn’t, but from that point forward he was the very best of babies.

I could probably write for pages and pages and maybe even days and days to recall all the wonderful (okay and some not so wonderful) memories I have of this man. Here are some of the ones that always make me smile.

AJ and my dad were the best of buddies. In fact, daddy called AJ Buddy all the time. I have a favorite photograph where AJ is riding piggy back on Grandpa. They are both smiling and looked so pleased with each other. AJ was only seven when Grandpa died, but he has wonderful memories of his time with my dad. AJ made me cry before we even got to the UW for graduation ceremonies:

“Mom, you know what.”

“No, what.”

“I wish Grandpa were here today.”

I followed that with the platitudes you always offer about the missing person being there, looking down, watching over. AJ was silent for a minute and said, “You know what I really wish? I really wish Grandpa had been able to watch me play ball.”

By the time we got to Hec Edmondson pavilion, my mascara was washed completely away.

When AJ began school, we found out he was dyslexic, but Shoreline Schools had a wonderful program. For a time, most of elementary school actually, I didn’t believe AJ would ever read for pleasure. In middle school, he discovered Stephen King and began reading for pleasure. I remember him reading IT and it was so scary he wouldn’t read during the day when no one else was home. As an adult, AJ began reading mostly nonfiction books and introduced me to some titles I might never have picked up.

AJ began playing basketball in grade school. John diagramed a regulation half court in the street in front of our house with the basket on the telephone pole. I always knew where AJ was when I could hear the bounce of that ball. He played in several leagues, on the middle school team and began playing as starting center when he was a sophomore in high school…he was probably the tallest coordinated kid there.

It was a joy to watch him go up and down the court. To watch him pump fake and rise above the defenders to put the ball in the net. I thoroughly enjoyed every single game and except when I had pneumonia, I made every single one.

When he graduated from high school, he went to work as a seasonal laborer for the Seattle Parks Department. When fall came, he attended Shoreline Community College and played basketball for them. He continued to work for Parks as his schedule allowed until he received his AA. He knew what he wanted to study, but was told by people in the know that there would be no career for a white boy in Native American studies (even though he’s 1/32^nd or 1/48^th or something Cherokee) or in Forestry. Even with a Ph.D., he’d end up in some bayou in Louisiana or some such place.

Parks offered him a permanent part-time position. He accepted. They wanted to know if he wanted to pay back the percentage he got as a seasonal because the city didn’t pay into retirement for seasonal positions. Yep, sounds like a good idea. For a time there, I actually thought he’d have enough hours to retire before me. Soon, a full-time position came open and he took it. Later on, he was moved to the HVAC unit and the city paid for a number of trips and educational classes. One year, a contractor who’d worked on one of the community centers tried to say it wasn’t his company’s fault when something went wrong. AJ had all his notes and information proving the contractor had to replace whatever went wrong on his own nickel…proud of my boy I was.

He met and then married Angie 23 years ago this year and they’ve worked together to make a home and life together. Angie’s been more like a daughter than a daughter-in-law, assisting me and John as we got older and had needs with which she could help.

Then, blessing of all blessings, they produced the apple of my eye, Haley Autumn. That was almost 19 years ago now and there isn’t a single day I don’t give thanks for this beautiful young woman. AJ has been a wonderful father to Haley and taught her so many things that most young women don’t necessarily know. But she wanted to learn and he was happy to teach.

I feel so very blessed to have produced AJ, but the majority of the credit doesn’t really go to John and I. It is/was AJ who made good choices. It was AJ who grew and changed and became the responsible, honest, funny, loving man he is today. I’m sure there are many many more wonderful and positive adjectives I could attribute to my son, but I’ll stop here for now. What I think I’d like to do and may still do is look back at all the photos and pick one memory per year. I wish I’d thought of that sooner because what I’ve written today pales in comparison to that idea. Of course, instead of being on page three as I finish this Word document, I’d probably be on page 50…one for each year of AJ’s life…and that might have been a few pages too long.

In any case, Happy Birthday to my son, AJ…your Frankenma is wishing you a year full, no, a life full of love, joy, magic, happiness, great health, and anything your heart may desire because your mom believes you deserve it.

GARAGE SALE, LAST DAY

 What a very long three days. I’m so grateful the garage sale is over and that a lot of stuff left my driveway. I wish it had been more only because now I’ll have to find a way to eliminate what’s left. Salvation Army isn’t picking stuff up. I’m going to call Northwest Center and see if they are doing pickups. If not, I’ll have to make several trips to various donation sites. Still, stuff that's been around for decades and decades now occupies someone else's space and we all made a little money.

I’m writing this Monday morning (today) and feel as though someone came into my bedroom and beat me from head to toe with a stick. I slept really hard and know once I’m up and moving around, I’ll begin feeling more like myself.

Now, it’s time to do laundry and clean up the house. It’s been more than a week since I actually did any cleaning, so the house really needs it. I’m not sure I’ll actually get there today, but eventually. For today, I have to call Magic Toyota if the check engine lights are still on in my car…not a happy surprise to see that yesterday. It happened once before and they just needed to turn them off, so I’m hoping that’s the case here. I also need to decide where to meet a friend for lunch on Thursday and prepare AJ’s 50^th birthday present for Wednesday. And water…I haven’t watered a thing for days and days and am surprised everything isn’t just falling over.

Finally, I need to continue the SHE saga. I’ve written a fairly boring chapter which will appear tomorrow. So, besides all the other shit wanting attention, SHE is at the top of my list because I want to know what comes next for her. There’s a part of me that seriously wishes me, myself and I were all in that van with SHE, and we are to the extent my imagination allows. Still, what fun it would be to actually be SHE and be journeying on down the road.

Until tomorrow.

GARAGE SALE, DAY TWO

           

Hopefully, tomorrow will bring you another chapter of SHE, although it probably won’t be too exciting because she hasn’t arrived in San Francisco where she may throw all caution to the wind.

In any case, today is the last day of the garage sale. Saturday wasn’t as successful as Friday because we only made half of what we made Friday. Still, stuff left the premises and for that I’m terribly grateful. Come tomorrow at 2:00 pm, we’ll begin packing up what’s left and have it hauled away by either the Salvation Army or Northwest Center…whoever can arrive at my house first.

So, that will take care of all the stuff in the garage and I’m sure if I looked at the memorial tree, I would see smoke drifting up from John’s ashes. When it comes to the rest of the house, I think I’ll hire one of those estate firms and have them take care of selling what I don’t want. Of course, every single thing in this house has some meaning for me, but if the boys or daughters-in-law or grandchildren don’t want it, it needs to be rehomed. I won’t be like SHE where I go out and purchase everything new, but if I do end up in a tiny house next year, then there’s no way I’ll need all the stuff that occupies this three-bedroom home.

To be perfectly honest, the thought of leaving my home of what will then be 52 years, provides me with a huge pang of sadness. We raised two kids here, there’s a ton of memories that include my life with John, my parents, John’s family, our kids and their families, but a time does come when you need to move on. I do not want to move on to an old folk’s home, a condo or an apartment, so I’m going to need to start looking almost like now.

I know it’s going to be hard to say farewell to this neighborhood, to the neighbors I’ve known forever, but next spring, the time will come. I don’t want to become a burden to my children and want to remain independent as long as possible. Who knows what the future may bring me, but by the end of today, the only garage sale I intend to have will be over. I’ve made a bit of money, things have gone away, and I’m sure whichever charity hauls the remainder away will be glad to have whatever is left.

Here’s hoping lots of people stop by after church…although I think most church services are happening on ZOOM. In any case, here’s hoping the four hours tomorrow results in the biggest sales yet…and actually as I’ve said before, it’s not the money that counts (yes, it’s nice), but the removal of STUFF that is most important.