NANA LOVES YA!!!

            All the time I see things that illustrate or talk about how wonderful it is to be a grandparent…they’re all true!!! I’ve been a nana for over 18 years. I’m fortunate enough to have four wonderful grandchildren, but today I’m going to write about the eldest…Haley Autumn. There hasn’t been one single stage of Haley’s life that I haven’t enjoyed immensely. True, as with her father and her uncle, I wanted to slow her down so I could enjoy the various stages for longer periods; but, also as they say, time marches on.

          When she was born, I was in the room. Her first photo with her father was taken by me just ten minutes later. I remember how elongated her head was from the birth canal, how much hair she had and how she squawked over her entry into the world. After that, whenever I was with Haley and left, I always said, “Nana loves ya.” (As I now do with all my grandchildren.)

          Halloween was barely two weeks away and what a cute punkin she made when she came trick-or-treating. Of course, she got some candy via her mommy’s milk. She grew so fast, walking alone at barely nine months. I remember the first time we got to have her overnight. She slept in between John and me. I woke up and looked across her sleeping body at John. Both of us smiled, and I know we were both amazed that this little miracle was a part of us both.

          John and I were frequent visitors to see Haley, to have dinner and a movie with her folks, and sometimes just to marvel at how fast she was growing and how smart she was. I’m sure no other grandparents have those feelings…hah!!!

          When she was old enough, Haley and I began a Christmas tradition borrowed from friends. We went to see the Nutcracker every December for six-plus years. As part of the tradition, Nana took her shopping for a nice dress and shoes. Nana still remembers that last shopping trip. Haley wanted a pair of blue shoes that exactly matched her blue dress. Nana wouldn’t buy them because they had like five-inch heels. Haley understood at the end of the evening because the small one-inch heels Nana did purchase were making her feet hurt like hell. I think that was the last time Nana was able to purchase a dress for Haley.

          When Haley began school, I would take her school clothes shopping. She always knew I had a $100 budget; and while she always tried for something just a bit more, she was always happy with the choices she made. I don’t think we’ve been clothes shopping together for years, probably since she was ten. Haley has very particular tastes (good for her) and buys her own clothes now. I, of course, don’t need any clothes since I’m retired and have a closet full which is more than plenty. Still, I’m grateful for those little sessions over the years.

          I’ve plenty more Haley stories which I’m sure to share with you as time passes, but there was a point to this one which is how our relationship has changed in those 18 years. We’re still close, still talk, she shares great stuff with me, and most of that sharing occurs over a meal. And, that meal sharing was my goal with those Nutcracker events. I wanted us to end up in a nice restaurant at some point that served something besides hamburgers and French fries.

         

At Arnies 2/2/20

This past Sunday, I had a Living Social Groupon for Arnie’s in Edmonds. Haley picked me up and we had a delightful brunch. Throughout, Haley talked to me about a variety of topics. She’d flown back to Brookings South Dakota to look at a university there. She really liked the place even though the temperature was minus two. She said the people she met seemed genuinely interested in her and her goals. She talked about her classes at Everett Community College, and how she’s so happy to be through with Meadowdale High School. This girl is a planner (like her Nana), and she’s already made a decision about her current job because her old job will begin anew when the Mariners start playing. She’s also waiting to hear about a job in Montana. If she gets it, she’ll leave in May and be gone the entire summer, or maybe for good if the job lasts into beginning university in whatever place she chooses.

AJ, Ruby, Haley, Angie 12/2019

          I treasure and value all the years, experiences and times Haley and I have spent together. I know she was also Pa’s girl; and while I haven’t asked if she misses him when she visits, I’m sure she does because he always gave her his undivided attention. I’m also grateful her parents, AJ and Angie, have always worked to make sure John and I were an important part of Haley’s life, to always invite us for school events, birthdays, holidays, etc.

          Being grandparents…there’s nothing like it, it’s absolutely great, especially being Nana to a wonderful young woman like Haley…Nana loves ya.

A SAD, TEARY FRIDAY

         Today (last Friday), I woke up feeling very tired and every single joint in my body hurt or ached. This is unusual and I didn’t like it much.

          Later in the morning I was taking the doggies to the groomer. I was still feeling tired and suddenly very sad. I realized I was missing John terribly. I wanted to pull the car over and just cry for a while. But, stiff upper lip and all that…I continued driving.

          My mind, however, wouldn’t cooperate as it thought about how wonderful my body would feel if I could have a good a big hug, pretty much from anyone, but especially from John. He was a very tall man and my head fit just beneath his chin. He had a habit of hugging my head, and I absolutely loved that and the way it made me feel…safe, secure, loved, wanted, important. It made me very sad to realize we hadn’t shared those kinds of hugs for a very long time before he died.

          Now, even as I type this, my eyes fill with tears. My only option for comfort is to hug myself or get on the couch with the now clean, good smelling doggies. It’s not the same though and never will be.

          In my mind I can conjure up one of those hugs, remember how our bodies fit together, how John smelled and felt, how his breath would ruffle the hair on the top of my head, how when those hugs were happening, I never imagined we’d reach a point in our marriage where they didn’t happen. But, that point did come and the hugs stopped.

          Now that it’s far too late, I find myself wondering how we both stopped remembering so much of the good we had in our marriage for decades. Why didn’t we remember? Why did we allow illness, petty shit, habits, anger and negativity to push us apart just when we needed to be drawn together? Both of us were responsible for the push away from each other. I do so wish John were here now so we could talk about how to stop pushing and begin pulling back toward each other.

But, it’s far too late now though. I/we cannot go back, and only I can go forward. I’ve typed most of this post through tear-filled eyes. I’m going to go get on the couch and let our doggies comfort me. Still, what I wouldn’t give today, and probably in many future days, for just one more chance at one of those big hugs with John.

IT'S FEBRUARY!!!

          Congratulations to moi!!! It’s February 1, and I posted on my blog Every. Single. Day. Of. January. Hopefully, those of you who read them, enjoyed them and are returning each day for my latest post.

          February is going to be both a great month and a sad month. The great parts will be the cruise I leave for on Friday, February 7. I am already anticipating the beautiful blue water and the warm sun on my bare skin. Another great (or maybe notso great because it emphasizes my age) is my youngest son’s 40^th birthday.

          The sad part will be the 55^th anniversary of the first time John and I met. That will require an entire blog post all its own. I was talking to a friend just the other day and she wanted to know how we met. In telling her how it came about and what ensued in the following days, weeks and months, I realized what a wonderful romantic John was. I also realized that perhaps I didn’t appreciate his romanticism as much as I could/should have.

          I’m looking forward to sharing and remembering those very old times as well as the new memories I’ll be creating as I cruise the Caribbean. Then we’ll have the family celebration of Thor’s birthday, the first one where his father won’t be singing him the birthday song. I hope you enjoyed January's posts and are looking forward to my February ones as well.

ONE WIDOW'S CHOICE

          Lately, I’ve been thinking about widows, especially my own mother. When daddy died, she kept breathing for another 20 years, but basically, she believed and acted as though her life was over. Yes, her life changed dramatically, but I don’t believe she ever gave herself credit for all she accomplished at the beginning of those 20 years.

          Mom never learned to drive a car. Dad insisted she take lessons before he died. She absolutely hated it. John and I helped her find a car she was comfortable with although I don’t remember if it was before or after daddy’s death. So, her first major milestone was getting a driver’s license and being able to get about on her very own. Still, she hated the fact she HAD to drive and did so as little as possible. She didn’t look at it as a major accomplishment for someone 57 years of age. It was, but she couldn’t or wouldn't see that.

          Of course, daddy hadn’t planned on dying at the age of 55. He hadn’t made any particular arrangements for mom on the off chance he would die. No life insurance, no big savings account, and not much in the way of retirement. Mom was too young to get his social security, so she had to get some training and get a job.

          Now, my mom worked outside the home from the time I was about eight until just before John and I got married. She was an anomaly because moms didn’t work outside the home in the late 50s and early 60s. Daddy changed jobs and they had to move away from Seattle. With only one kid left at home, mom didn’t need to work to help with the finances. As a result, she and daddy became co-dependent. Living in a new town, they had/made few friends. They relied on each other and were quite happy doing so. It would have been wonderful if they’d been able to continue that way until their 90s.

          Mom went back to school. Her graduation was held on the evening of the day Thor was born. I insisted John and AJ go to her graduation. I wanted her to feel proud of her accomplishment. I wanted her to be the self-reliant, confident woman she’d been when I was growing up. Instead, it was just one more mountain she’d had to climb because daddy died.

          A job was waiting for her as a key punch operator following graduation. She rode the bus from Lynnwood to downtown Seattle and back each day. I’m sure it wasn’t an easy commute. I know for a fact she hated it even though she was very good at her job and received glowing reports. Her career lasted for about four years, just long enough for her to qualify for daddy’s Social Security.

          For the next 12 years, mom lived alone. It was difficult to get her to attend family events, even if we were willing to pick her up and take her back home. She always had an excuse, usually some physical ailment, which wouldn’t allow her to leave her house. Then, out of the blue, she decided to move to eastern Washington with my brother. According to him, mom told him my sister and I pretty much ignored her. I still get a little angry when I think about that accusation.

          Then, when mom was dying, she was so happy because she’d be with daddy again. When I think of all the time, energy, and wonderful experiences she could have had during the 20 years after daddy’s death, it makes me so sad. It was a horrible waste. Her grandchildren could have benefited far more from her presence than her absence. She could have benefited from a more positive life if she’d made the choice to continue “living” instead of just “waiting.”

          I loved my mother dearly, but she was the perfect example of what I do not wish to be as a widow. If I receive an invitation, I want to accept it. If my kids or grandkids are celebrating something wonderful (or even not wonderful), I want to be there. I want them to know me. I want to get up each morning with the idea I’m going to have a splendid day, that there’s going to be at least one special occurrence before it’s bedtime again. Realistically, I know that won’t/cannot happen 365 days a year, but it’s a great goal.

          Someday, I’ll probably join John and my parents, but until then, I’m going to do way more living than waiting. If you’re a widow and you’re reading this, I hope you too are living your life rather than waiting for something else.

SPICY STUFFED PEPPERS

         My oh my, aren’t they pretty?  I made these Spicy Stuffed Peppers today (Wednesday) and had a friend over for dinner. I’ll come back to this at the end and let you know if they were yummy or if we had to go out to dinner…certainly hope not because I’m already in my comfy clothes, plus I’m going to pour myself a bit of gin here in a few.

          Never in all my 74 years have I made stuffed peppers. I think I’ve mentioned that John was allergic to them and just the odor of a bell pepper would make him gag. So, it didn’t matter what the recipe was, if it called for a bell pepper, I always had to leave it out. I liked them and whenever my daughter-in-law brought a veggie tray, she always included peppers because all the rest of us really like them. Of course, raw peppers are a bit different than cooked I guess.

          At one time I had a friend who made stuffed green peppers. She used rice, hamburger and lots of cheese. She always saved me one, and I ate it on the sly and brushed my teeth and mouth really well in case John wanted kisses later. Our friendship went by the wayside a couple of decades ago and I haven’t had one since.

          This recipe calls for spicy pork sausage, orzo, diced tomatoes and lots of cheese. I spent the morning making them and will soon pop three or four into the oven so my friend and I can have them with a salad for dinner. I seriously hope they are going to be yummy. Initially I was only going to make two, but another friend encouraged me to make the entire recipe…they freeze very well she says.

          So, one part of me is celebrating the ability to cook bell peppers in my own kitchen while another part of me would actually be happy to have John sitting at his computer waiting for me to make something for dinner that he’d like. I think you go along thinking you’ve adjusted to widowhood and then suddenly, the fact he’s gone rears up and smacks you in the face. At least that seems to be the way it’s working for me.

          Are there any widows out there reading my daily posts? I’d love to hear from you about how you’re handling your widowhood. You can post a comment after this blog, or you can post on Facebook, whichever works best for you.

          Well, my friend has left and we didn't have to go out to eat. My friend said the stuff peppers were "amazing." We only ate two of the eight, so I just put six into the freezer...I'll eat them once I return from my Caribbean vacation.

MANTA RAYS AND DOLPHINS, OH MY

          Well, I’ve used up everything I wrote previously, so now we’ll see if I’m able to actually post something Every. Single. Day. I seriously hope I will have enough to think about, experience, and share with y’all going forward. So, to begin with a brand-new post I’m writing just for Wednesday.

          This past Monday I took up the brochure I printed out that described the shore excursions available on my Caribbean cruise. Yesterday (Tuesday), I called and made reservations for the ones I want. I seriously wanted a lot of them, but my credit card is ever so grateful that too many of them began around the same time. So, interested in what I’m going to do…hope so.

          Half Moon Cay in the Bahamas – I’ll explore Half Moon Cay’s undersea world aboard a new, fully enclosed, air-conditioned, glass-bottom boat. The write up sounds terrific, and I’ll get an opportunity to see different species of corals, fish and other marine life. The helpful crew will tell us tales about Half Moon Cay and identify points of interest in the area. That’s the morning. I’ve reserved a Manta Sun Shelter for the afternoon so I can sit on a beach of powdery white sand and swim in the turquoise water.

          In Grand Turk, Turks and Caicos, I signed up for the Reef Snorkel and Stingray Safari. I’ve never snorkeled before, but the crew will provide gear and instructions. After snorkeling the reef, we’ll go to the “stingray playground.” There, the wild, but gentle (I’ll try not to think of Steve Irwin.) Atlantic rays will allow me to stroke their soft bodies and play with them in their own territory.

          Arrival at Amber Cove, Dominican Republic will provide me with a Dolphin Encounter and Ocean World Day Pass. The brochure says I’ll get to touch, kiss and feed these gentle animals in waist-deep water. Seriously, I’ve always wanted to be with a dolphin and here’s the possibility of being with more than one. There are other opportunities at Ocean World including a walk through a rain forest, seeing the dolphin, shark, sea lion and tropical bird shows…I don’t know if I’ll actually get to see all of the shows, but I’m surely going to try.

          I didn’t make any arrangements for visiting Key West. I’ve been there with my family and will try to go ashore and wander around, but if that doesn’t work out, it’s perfectly fine.

          In Fort Lauderdale, I signed up for the Land and Sea Excursion which includes transfer to the airport…the transfer is the main reason I signed up for this. I could have signed up for the pub crawl, but 10:00 am is just a tad too early for me to begin imbibing. It doesn’t take much and who knows, I might have forgot where I was and when I needed to get to the airport.

          It does look as though I may have some afternoons free after the morning excursions, plus we have two days of cruising, but I have an email that will provide me with information on what’s available aboard the ship. I haven’t looked at it yet…it may be a topic for another post.

          I think my anxiety about this, my first trip as a widow, is being diminished by the excitement I’m beginning to feel. Sheesh, I leave in only nine days!!!

AND NOW

         

         It's now been almost six months since John died. I've written a lot of the previous posts from memory, but going forward I'll be writing more about my day-to-day revelations and how this new journey as a widow is moving along.  

John and I spent almost 55 years together and our paths began to diverge last August with his death. The photo below was taken by our granddaughter in 2017 and is, I believe, a perfect illustration for how our tracks began to diverge in 2019. While his life train moved on to something quite possibly better than what he had been experiencing for such a long time (at least that's my hope and belief), movement on my diverging track is just now beginning. As I've written in a prior post, it's my choice as to what wonderful experiences await. I hope you'll join me. I hope there'll be some laughter with the tears. I hope the grief of some days will be replaced by days of joy and wonder as I move down the track that stretches before me.