IT'S FEBRUARY!!!

          Congratulations to moi!!! It’s February 1, and I posted on my blog Every. Single. Day. Of. January. Hopefully, those of you who read them, enjoyed them and are returning each day for my latest post.

          February is going to be both a great month and a sad month. The great parts will be the cruise I leave for on Friday, February 7. I am already anticipating the beautiful blue water and the warm sun on my bare skin. Another great (or maybe notso great because it emphasizes my age) is my youngest son’s 40^th birthday.

          The sad part will be the 55^th anniversary of the first time John and I met. That will require an entire blog post all its own. I was talking to a friend just the other day and she wanted to know how we met. In telling her how it came about and what ensued in the following days, weeks and months, I realized what a wonderful romantic John was. I also realized that perhaps I didn’t appreciate his romanticism as much as I could/should have.

          I’m looking forward to sharing and remembering those very old times as well as the new memories I’ll be creating as I cruise the Caribbean. Then we’ll have the family celebration of Thor’s birthday, the first one where his father won’t be singing him the birthday song. I hope you enjoyed January's posts and are looking forward to my February ones as well.

ONE WIDOW'S CHOICE

          Lately, I’ve been thinking about widows, especially my own mother. When daddy died, she kept breathing for another 20 years, but basically, she believed and acted as though her life was over. Yes, her life changed dramatically, but I don’t believe she ever gave herself credit for all she accomplished at the beginning of those 20 years.

          Mom never learned to drive a car. Dad insisted she take lessons before he died. She absolutely hated it. John and I helped her find a car she was comfortable with although I don’t remember if it was before or after daddy’s death. So, her first major milestone was getting a driver’s license and being able to get about on her very own. Still, she hated the fact she HAD to drive and did so as little as possible. She didn’t look at it as a major accomplishment for someone 57 years of age. It was, but she couldn’t or wouldn't see that.

          Of course, daddy hadn’t planned on dying at the age of 55. He hadn’t made any particular arrangements for mom on the off chance he would die. No life insurance, no big savings account, and not much in the way of retirement. Mom was too young to get his social security, so she had to get some training and get a job.

          Now, my mom worked outside the home from the time I was about eight until just before John and I got married. She was an anomaly because moms didn’t work outside the home in the late 50s and early 60s. Daddy changed jobs and they had to move away from Seattle. With only one kid left at home, mom didn’t need to work to help with the finances. As a result, she and daddy became co-dependent. Living in a new town, they had/made few friends. They relied on each other and were quite happy doing so. It would have been wonderful if they’d been able to continue that way until their 90s.

          Mom went back to school. Her graduation was held on the evening of the day Thor was born. I insisted John and AJ go to her graduation. I wanted her to feel proud of her accomplishment. I wanted her to be the self-reliant, confident woman she’d been when I was growing up. Instead, it was just one more mountain she’d had to climb because daddy died.

          A job was waiting for her as a key punch operator following graduation. She rode the bus from Lynnwood to downtown Seattle and back each day. I’m sure it wasn’t an easy commute. I know for a fact she hated it even though she was very good at her job and received glowing reports. Her career lasted for about four years, just long enough for her to qualify for daddy’s Social Security.

          For the next 12 years, mom lived alone. It was difficult to get her to attend family events, even if we were willing to pick her up and take her back home. She always had an excuse, usually some physical ailment, which wouldn’t allow her to leave her house. Then, out of the blue, she decided to move to eastern Washington with my brother. According to him, mom told him my sister and I pretty much ignored her. I still get a little angry when I think about that accusation.

          Then, when mom was dying, she was so happy because she’d be with daddy again. When I think of all the time, energy, and wonderful experiences she could have had during the 20 years after daddy’s death, it makes me so sad. It was a horrible waste. Her grandchildren could have benefited far more from her presence than her absence. She could have benefited from a more positive life if she’d made the choice to continue “living” instead of just “waiting.”

          I loved my mother dearly, but she was the perfect example of what I do not wish to be as a widow. If I receive an invitation, I want to accept it. If my kids or grandkids are celebrating something wonderful (or even not wonderful), I want to be there. I want them to know me. I want to get up each morning with the idea I’m going to have a splendid day, that there’s going to be at least one special occurrence before it’s bedtime again. Realistically, I know that won’t/cannot happen 365 days a year, but it’s a great goal.

          Someday, I’ll probably join John and my parents, but until then, I’m going to do way more living than waiting. If you’re a widow and you’re reading this, I hope you too are living your life rather than waiting for something else.

SPICY STUFFED PEPPERS

         My oh my, aren’t they pretty?  I made these Spicy Stuffed Peppers today (Wednesday) and had a friend over for dinner. I’ll come back to this at the end and let you know if they were yummy or if we had to go out to dinner…certainly hope not because I’m already in my comfy clothes, plus I’m going to pour myself a bit of gin here in a few.

          Never in all my 74 years have I made stuffed peppers. I think I’ve mentioned that John was allergic to them and just the odor of a bell pepper would make him gag. So, it didn’t matter what the recipe was, if it called for a bell pepper, I always had to leave it out. I liked them and whenever my daughter-in-law brought a veggie tray, she always included peppers because all the rest of us really like them. Of course, raw peppers are a bit different than cooked I guess.

          At one time I had a friend who made stuffed green peppers. She used rice, hamburger and lots of cheese. She always saved me one, and I ate it on the sly and brushed my teeth and mouth really well in case John wanted kisses later. Our friendship went by the wayside a couple of decades ago and I haven’t had one since.

          This recipe calls for spicy pork sausage, orzo, diced tomatoes and lots of cheese. I spent the morning making them and will soon pop three or four into the oven so my friend and I can have them with a salad for dinner. I seriously hope they are going to be yummy. Initially I was only going to make two, but another friend encouraged me to make the entire recipe…they freeze very well she says.

          So, one part of me is celebrating the ability to cook bell peppers in my own kitchen while another part of me would actually be happy to have John sitting at his computer waiting for me to make something for dinner that he’d like. I think you go along thinking you’ve adjusted to widowhood and then suddenly, the fact he’s gone rears up and smacks you in the face. At least that seems to be the way it’s working for me.

          Are there any widows out there reading my daily posts? I’d love to hear from you about how you’re handling your widowhood. You can post a comment after this blog, or you can post on Facebook, whichever works best for you.

          Well, my friend has left and we didn't have to go out to eat. My friend said the stuff peppers were "amazing." We only ate two of the eight, so I just put six into the freezer...I'll eat them once I return from my Caribbean vacation.

MANTA RAYS AND DOLPHINS, OH MY

          Well, I’ve used up everything I wrote previously, so now we’ll see if I’m able to actually post something Every. Single. Day. I seriously hope I will have enough to think about, experience, and share with y’all going forward. So, to begin with a brand-new post I’m writing just for Wednesday.

          This past Monday I took up the brochure I printed out that described the shore excursions available on my Caribbean cruise. Yesterday (Tuesday), I called and made reservations for the ones I want. I seriously wanted a lot of them, but my credit card is ever so grateful that too many of them began around the same time. So, interested in what I’m going to do…hope so.

          Half Moon Cay in the Bahamas – I’ll explore Half Moon Cay’s undersea world aboard a new, fully enclosed, air-conditioned, glass-bottom boat. The write up sounds terrific, and I’ll get an opportunity to see different species of corals, fish and other marine life. The helpful crew will tell us tales about Half Moon Cay and identify points of interest in the area. That’s the morning. I’ve reserved a Manta Sun Shelter for the afternoon so I can sit on a beach of powdery white sand and swim in the turquoise water.

          In Grand Turk, Turks and Caicos, I signed up for the Reef Snorkel and Stingray Safari. I’ve never snorkeled before, but the crew will provide gear and instructions. After snorkeling the reef, we’ll go to the “stingray playground.” There, the wild, but gentle (I’ll try not to think of Steve Irwin.) Atlantic rays will allow me to stroke their soft bodies and play with them in their own territory.

          Arrival at Amber Cove, Dominican Republic will provide me with a Dolphin Encounter and Ocean World Day Pass. The brochure says I’ll get to touch, kiss and feed these gentle animals in waist-deep water. Seriously, I’ve always wanted to be with a dolphin and here’s the possibility of being with more than one. There are other opportunities at Ocean World including a walk through a rain forest, seeing the dolphin, shark, sea lion and tropical bird shows…I don’t know if I’ll actually get to see all of the shows, but I’m surely going to try.

          I didn’t make any arrangements for visiting Key West. I’ve been there with my family and will try to go ashore and wander around, but if that doesn’t work out, it’s perfectly fine.

          In Fort Lauderdale, I signed up for the Land and Sea Excursion which includes transfer to the airport…the transfer is the main reason I signed up for this. I could have signed up for the pub crawl, but 10:00 am is just a tad too early for me to begin imbibing. It doesn’t take much and who knows, I might have forgot where I was and when I needed to get to the airport.

          It does look as though I may have some afternoons free after the morning excursions, plus we have two days of cruising, but I have an email that will provide me with information on what’s available aboard the ship. I haven’t looked at it yet…it may be a topic for another post.

          I think my anxiety about this, my first trip as a widow, is being diminished by the excitement I’m beginning to feel. Sheesh, I leave in only nine days!!!

AND NOW

         

         It's now been almost six months since John died. I've written a lot of the previous posts from memory, but going forward I'll be writing more about my day-to-day revelations and how this new journey as a widow is moving along.  

John and I spent almost 55 years together and our paths began to diverge last August with his death. The photo below was taken by our granddaughter in 2017 and is, I believe, a perfect illustration for how our tracks began to diverge in 2019. While his life train moved on to something quite possibly better than what he had been experiencing for such a long time (at least that's my hope and belief), movement on my diverging track is just now beginning. As I've written in a prior post, it's my choice as to what wonderful experiences await. I hope you'll join me. I hope there'll be some laughter with the tears. I hope the grief of some days will be replaced by days of joy and wonder as I move down the track that stretches before me.

WELCOME 2020

           Once again, it’s another first as I celebrate the end of one year and the beginning of a new one without the man with whom I shared 55 of them.

          Back in the day, we used to celebrate together with  our friends. In our youth it was mostly with friends, but as we had children and became older, it was usually just the two of us and our children as they grew up. Then, came the older (wiser???) years where it was just us; and finally, just me watching the fireworks as John couldn’t stay up beyond 10 PM.

          So, tonight won’t be hugely different from the last few years except I’ll know he’s not down the hall asleep. I’ll have some wine, brie and crackers as I toast the end of 2019 and welcome 2020.

          Surely 2020 will bring me wondrous experiences, but only if I choose to have them and I surely do plan to do so. Tomorrow I’ll post my first writing on a new blog. I’m excited to do that and watch it unfold day-by-day. First with the thoughts and experiences from late summer and fall of 2019. Then, I’ll move into writing about my new experiences, thoughts and emotions as I move forward in my widowhood. I so hope you've stayed with me until now and will continue to do so as I continue to post about the new life I'm creating for myself.

GARLIC

          When I left Dianne’s yesterday, as usual, I brought home something I hadn’t brought there…five bunches of garlic she’d grown in her garden. I absolutely LOVE garlic.

          Was it a good visit, you’re wondering? Well, even if you weren’t, it was a GREAT visit.

          When I arrived on Thursday afternoon, after driving through torrential downpours…I think I only used the intermittent windshield wiper setting for about three-minutes total the entire two hours…I met Dianne’s youngest granddaughter, Sylvie. She’s only three and was initially very shy, but warmed up after a while and gave me a huge hug when her mommy came home. Sylvie promised she’d give her daddy a big hug and tell him it was from Auntie Paula. And, Sylvie was so good. I think Di and I talked nonstop for a couple of hours while she amused herself building her own place with blankets, pillows, and other stuff.

          Just as Sylvie was leaving with her mom, the first of Di’s long-time friends arrived. She was followed by three more, all of whom I had met years ago and knew and we settled down to play Shanghai Rummy. I believe they all do this once a month or so. The game was new to me but very fun; and initially, I thought I was going to be the big winner. Then, it was my turn to deal and the tide turned. I didn’t win another hand and ended up in second-to-last place. I didn’t care, it was the best fun I’d had in a while and I’d love to get some of my friends up here to form a Shanghai Rummy club…if you’re interested, let me know.

          Of course, we were all hungry, so we traipsed into town to the local Mexican restaurant and had dinner. It was so very yummy. Back to Dianne’s, we talked some more and then to bed. A very great and tiring day.

          Friday began with more talk about this and that, sharing of memories, etc., and once we were ready for the day we headed for Montesano and Dianne’s moms. I told Mabel I could hardly believe I’d known her for almost 50 years, but it turned out there was (and is) a lot I still didn’t know. Mabel told me about growing up in a Croatian family and about how the whole area had been settled by Croatians. She talked about their holiday customs, making Cro Wine, how most of her parents and their friends had only two children, but her generation each had six. I asked if anyone had written any of this information down and she said nope, but her kids knew most of it.

          I told Dianne she really needed to record what her mom has to say about the old days or begin writing it down. She’s lucky she still has a source that can provide. I no longer have any sources and didn’t do anything about family history. Now, it’s too late and I have a million questions I’d like to get answered, but there’s no one to provide any answers whatsoever. Mable was so interesting that I hope someone in the family…maybe the older granddaughters…takes the time to harness all that knowledge.

          We didn’t do anything else Friday. I encouraged Dianne to go swim with her friend as she always does on Friday. I took my bathing suit and could have gone, but I really just wanted to be on the couch with my book. Before dinner, we had a little Margarita Wine from Costco (I simply have to go buy some). Dianne had made soup for dinner and threw together a great salad (Why are salads always so much better when someone else makes them?) and we finished the wine while we ate. It was very good soup…I love soup.

          After cleaning up, Dianne introduced me to Apple Pie Moonshine. She or one of her friends made it and there’s several quarts in the fridge. It’s pretty sweet, but you cut it with some diet ginger ale and it’s really delicious. There was a lot of laughter during the remainder of the evening, probably at some things that really weren’t that funny. We also joked about whether or not we’d be able to stand and walk when we got up. We did though and slept like angels.

          Except for when the train comes through. Dianne isn’t far from the rails and the law is that every time a train approaches a road that doesn’t have lights or bars, the horn must be sounded. So, the train whistler begins way away and it’s two longish, one short and one longish, a break, and then the series repeats (assume the train has once again reached an unmarked road crossing). Then, it’s right in the room with you (had my window open) and the noise decreases over time as it moves on toward Aberdeen. I rarely hear my noisy cuckoo clock unless I’m listening and Dianne hardly ever hears the train pass by.

          A little more chit-chat this morning, mostly about our upcoming trips. Dianne heard her trip to Viet Nam might be cancelled because of the coronavirus. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that she still gets to go, but she’s preparing to be disappointed. We got ready for the day and I put all my stuff back in my car. Big hugs and I was on the road. It didn’t rain all the way home and at times I could turn the wipers off, but I was glad to say farewell to the freeway and back into my own driveway.

          My first venture out on my own far from home. I started out a little nervous, but all went well’ and I had a wonderful time catching up with Dianne, the friends and her mom. Plus, I have some wonderful new fresh garlic…thanks Dianne.