FRIENDSHIP

           Friendship is quite possibly one of the most important factors in a human’s life., especially long-term friendships. I had one. It began in junior high school. We didn’t live far apart and walked to and from school together. I told her all my secrets, ideas, wishes, plans and she did the same to me. Our friendship lasted for decades and then ended abruptly and painfully.

          We helped each other through troubling times. She got pregnant the last month of our senior year of high school, and the asshole wouldn’t even take her to the senior prom. She decided to keep her daughter. I got pregnant later that same year and made the choice to give my daughter up for adoption.

          We were maids of honor at each other’s weddings. We watched our children grow up together. We celebrated birthdays and anniversaries. I thought this was a friendship that would never end. I was wrong.

          Over the decades, I watched as my friend had put her needs/wants before that of her family and/or children. For some reason, I thought I was exempt from such treason. I was wrong. When it happened, I couldn’t believe that she would put someone/something else above our friendship. But, there it was…I was in second or even last place.

          For the remainder of my life, I have tried to understand how she could have thrown me and our long-term friendship away as if it were a used Kleenex. I tried to talk to her, but my thoughts/feelings didn’t matter. Even, years later when I reached out, she didn’t reach back.

          Over time, I would see her here and there and always made a point of stopping and talking to her. I guess I kept hoping she’d tell me she missed me as much as I missed her. That never happened; and while we apparently live on the opposite sides of a hill, it isn’t likely we will meet up again to talk about anything important in our lives, either back then or today…I’m not even sure she knows John died.

          I have to tell you this was undoubtedly the most painful experience I’ve ever had. How do you let go of a friend/friendship that’s lasted for decades? How do you let go of your friend’s children, their futures, their happiness when you’ve been on the ground floor, so to speak, since almost conception? I don’t have an answer for those questions. I only know I still miss the history, the connection, the future we could have had together.

          Yes, I do have long-term friends now. None of them knew me when I was in junior high school. None of them knew me when I was pregnant with a child I knew I couldn’t keep. None of them knew me in the early years of my marriage or during the early years of being a mom, of working outside the home, of marital problems. Only this woman knew me from what was almost the beginning of me.

          I regret she no longer is a part of my life. What would she have offered at John’s death, at my efforts to begin anew with just me, myself and I? I have no idea because it’s been so long since we shared anything at all. What I do remember is the friends I have now, the ones that have supported me through the difficult years of John’s illness, the time following his death, the future plans I’ve made and am making. I am so thankful for these women (and men), for their shoulders, words of comfort and encouragement, presence in my life when I’ve needed someone, their love and support, their just being there. True, I still miss the woman who held the prime position for more than 40 years, but I wouldn’t trade her for a single one of the women who inhabit my world today.

          I offer my deepest appreciation, friendship and undying love for the women who inhabit my life today. I sincerely doubt a single one of them would ever leave me feeling as though a very sharp knife were protruding from my shoulder blades, but then I didn’t expect it from her either.

None of the women in my life may have any idea of how valuable their participation in my life is to me. As the Mastercard commercial says, PRICELESS. Bless each of you. Thank each of you for your love, support, caring and participation in my life. My only hope that I can provide reciprocity to each of you as needed or desired.