GIFT FROM AN UNKNOWN READER???

          

         Sometimes I think I may be losing it. Sunday morning I opened my front door to find a box from Amazon. All the way to my desk and during the opening, I tried to remember what the heck I had ordered. As it turned out, absolutely nothing.

          Oh, there was something in the box, but it wasn’t something I ordered. It was a gift from I don’t know who. There was a note with the item that told me I could send a thank you note by scanning the code to the left or by visiting a given link. I tried scanning, but apparently, I don’t have the amazon app on my phone. Typing in the code didn’t help either.

          So, what was in the box. It was a product called a Pet Corrector. I read the information about the product…type was so tiny I had to use my handy-dandy magnifying glass. I also went to the web site and watched a few videos. I haven’t yet tried it because Kuma has been a good doggie so I haven’t had a need to correct him. I’m looking forward to taking him on a walk and see if it works when we come across another dog. He always lunges and barks his head off as though he’s a big huge mean wolf.

          I am assuming…making an ass of u and me…that someone read my blog about Kuma winning our barking battle and my giving up. How wonderful you are my dearest reader to have gone so far as to supply me with a tool that will correct Kuma’s bad habits. I thank you from the bottom of my heart even though I cannot seem to figure out how to send you a thank you via Amazon…and I do have the app on my phone after all.

          So thank you again and stay tuned…actually I guess it would be keep your eyes open…because I’ll blog about the great success the Pet Corrector has brought to both Kuma and I.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!

 

          Today is the fifty-seventh anniversary of the day I married John. I do so wish he were here so we could celebrate together, but if wishes were horses….

          Last year I took John’s orb and we went to dinner at a restaurant. I turned on the base, placed the orb on top and sat it across from me in the booth. I even had the waitress take photos of us. I’m not planning to do the same thing this year. I think I’ll hold off until we reach our sixtieth. And, since John cannot drive me home after as many martinis (maybe champagne for sixty) as I’d like to have, I might even rent a limo and/or call an uber to take me to and from.

          I think for today, I’ll spend some time looking through all the cards we gave each other over the years. Cards from the boys are interspersed throughout, so the process will give me way more than one memory lane to traverse. I also still have our wedding album and honeymoon photos as well as photos from every year we shared. I suppose I could haul all the albums and boxes out of the closet. It would make quite a mess and I’d undoubtedly have to add leaves to the table. Still, those boxes are stuffed with memories. Some would make me laugh, others bring a smile and still others make my eyes leak a lot. All in all, though, my walks down so many different memory lanes would leave me remembering how much I loved as well as how much I was loved.

          Not a bad way to spend the day. It would leave me feeling nostalgic but happy to have had all those years and memories.

Happy Anniversary to John and moi!!!

WHY I WRITE AND BLOG

 

          When I first began blogging a very long time ago, I had many reasons for doing so. The original blog I began in 2011 I cannot find anywhere any longer. I suppose the contents were deleted into the ether when I neglected to return after being absent for many years.

          I tried a couple of other times and even took a class, but never stuck with it until after John died. That’s when I began “Paula’s Widow’s Mite.” When I began, it was for several reasons. First, I thought my experiences might be helpful to other widows. Second, I figured my blog might attract a large following. And, finally, there was the small idea in the back of my brain that it might attract a publisher.

          Well, my number of followers never rose above maybe twenty as far as I could tell, and almost no one ever responded with a comment on the blog. Since I post the blog title and link on Facebook, there were/are some folks who comment on Facebook about what I wrote. And it’s true, when I was posting erotic fiction, chapter by chapter on my blog, I did end up having an interested publisher. Unfortunately, it was my first draft and needed a lot of work, so a book with my name on it won’t be appearing in the local bookstore anytime soon…or anytime at all for that matter. That’s because I decided I didn’t want to spend the energy on a massive revision.

          For a period of time, I didn’t write or blog at all. I just didn’t have the any enthusiasm or topics which made me want to do so. Don’t ask me what happened recently that led me to take up the keyboard and begin again…I just did.

          I’ve decided my main reason for writing and blogging is for my own interest and satisfaction. The topics about which I write and post may be of little interest to most people; however, I enjoy the process and end result. I’m doing it because it’s fun for me. Of course, when I do receive comments, either on Facebook or in my actual face, those comments, since they are positive, do make me feel good. 

          Of course, this doesn't mean I don't hope people will read my blogs and enjoy them because I most sincerely do. Still, I imagine if someone told me they hated a particular blog or said I was a horrible writer, I’d continue to write and blog simply because me, myself and I like doing so…a lot.

GOOD FOR ANOTHER TEN THOUSAND MILES OR TEN YEARS

 

          This past Tuesday afternoon I had my annual mammogram and saw my doctor face-to-face for the first time in far more than a year. That’s not to say we haven’t emailed or talked on the phone about minor concerns (mine) that didn’t require an appointment. This was a wellness visit.

          With Kaiser Permanente, you have to fill out a form prior to your appointment and I did that but also prepared a document which I attached to an email…the questionnaire wouldn’t let me attach anything. I wanted to make the best use of the forty minutes allotted to me with my doctor.

          Of course, no one had looked at the email, printed out my document and given it to Megan (MD’s name). Fortunately, I had brought my own copy and gave that to her. I had prepared it so my concerns for the visit were listed first, followed by things just for her information. Megan quickly scanned what I’d sent. I should say she also knows me because she’s been my doctor for at least ten years or more.

          Unfortunately, there’s not a lot that can be done for the peripheral neuropathy which was caused by a breast cancer drug…Cytoxan. The neuropathy has now moved up into my ankles and slightly higher in the left leg. They check this by having you close your eyes while they touch the bottom and top of your foot, then your ankle and calf. It looks like a long pin, but it’s rubber. I was supposed to tell her when I could feel the touch. She was well above my ankle on the right and a bit above on the left.

          I wore flip-flops to the doctor’s office because I knew we would talk about my feet. It is not, however, a good idea for me to drive in them since I cannot feel my feet. I almost rear-ended someone on the way to the doctor because my flip-flop got stuck behind the brake pedal. I yanked it out in time but it scared the crap out of me. I almost always wear actual shoes to drive because I can feel the pressure my foot makes against the pedals.

          We also talked about whether or not I have hammer toes that require treatment (surgery?), so I have a referral to a podiatrist. Only two of my toes actually bother me. They lay in such a way the toenail touches the shoe bottom. I need to keep my toenail as short as possible so there’s no pain. I don’t know if the podiatrist can help me, but I’ll find out.

          My blood pressure was a little elevated and I had just re-ordered lisinopril on Sunday. This morning I had an email telling me I needed to check my blood pressure on a regular basis and send in the results or I won't receive another refill. I didn’t think you’re supposed to take your own blood pressure, but I don’t see why I can’t, so I will.

          Most of the appointment was spent talking about how I am doing as far as friends and family goes, the various activities in which I’m involved, my daily life, and of course, Kuma (Megan loved his photo). At the end Megan told me she’s pleased and impressed with how I’ve come to manage my life since John’s death. It made me feel good to hear that because sometimes I don’t feel as though I am managing very well at all.

I needed no tests or follow-up aside from getting my Covid booster. I wanted to have the flu vaccine as well, but they won’t be giving those until September and I’ll get it then. So, here I am, good to go for another ten-thousand miles or ten years, whichever comes first.

I GIVE UP!!!

 

          Kuma has won. I give up. Tuesday night, we were already in bed and I was almost asleep. Kuma began barking, hopped off the bed and ran to the living room to stand on the couch, stare out the window and continue barking his fool head off. I kept saying loudly, “NO BARK!!!” but it did absolutely no good.

          I got myself out of bed and went down the hall, remote in hand and tried the noise button…no response, just more barking…, the vibration button…no response, more barking. So, I hit the shock button and Kuma yelped, hopped off the couch and headed for the bedroom.

          I felt very bad, but he no more got in the bedroom than he turned right around, ran back to the living room and began barking again. I followed and hit the shock button again…he yelped and I felt bad. We played this little game a couple of more times until I closed the bedroom door to keep him there.

          Apparently, the shocks made Kuma very nervous and upset. I was upset, but not nervous. He was up on the bed, off the bed, panting, growling and acting totally crazy. I put the remote away and took off the collar, thinking Kuma would calm down if he didn’t have to worry about being shocked.

          Well, that didn’t work either. He did get up and stay on the bed, but he continued growling and making little barks. I wasn’t going to get to go to sleep; in fact, I was now wide awake…wide awake and pissed. So, I picked Kuma up, walked down the hall to the dining room and pushed him into his crate. He spent the night there and seemed just fine this morning.

          After I put him in his kennel, I looked out all the windows to see if there was something going on that was making Kuma bark. There was nothing and no one that I could see. I could see the young man next door in his kitchen with someone. The window was open so could it have been that Kuma could hear them talking and that was what he found upsetting? Don’t know, just wish he’d save his barks for daytime and not when I’m going to sleep.

          Anyway, I don’t know if Kuma enjoyed his night, but I certainly enjoyed mine. I slept like a log and didn’t wake up until after 8:30 am (Kuma gets me up at 6:30 am). It was later I realized the Covid booster shot I received Tuesday afternoon was most likely responsible for my long sleep.

          Today, Wednesday, I took Kuma to bally-ball hill. I chucked his tennis ball repeatedly and he was a good doggie. There was an older man and woman picking blackberries; and while Kuma went up to them, he didn’t try to jump on them. There was also another couple that came into the area with a dog on a leash. They walked around the perimeter of the field. Kuma was interested but didn’t bark or try to chase after them and their dog. Those were both improvements in his behavior.

          One thing I love about taking him to bally-ball hill is that Kuma lets me know when he’s done chasing after the ball. He goes past me with the ball in his mouth to the car. I open the back door to get his bowl, but when I open the front door, he tries to get inside. When I begin pouring water into his bowl, he gets back out and drinks a lot. Then, it’s back inside where he pants all the way home.

          Today, I didn’t put Kuma’s shock collar on or pick up the remote. I couldn’t stand how he yelped last night and how upset he was as a result. So, Kuma wins. No more shock collar. I’ll just have to wear earplugs when I go to bed, I guess.

PERCEPTION

 

          As I was drifting off to sleep last night, thoughts about perception began to crawl through my mind. Surprisingly, this morning I was able to recall what I’d been thinking about…perception, and how it changes over time.

          When I was under the age of eight, I lived in a small community in Idaho, which I know I’ve mentioned before. During that time, and most likely because I was so young, my perception of my surroundings was totally different than what I saw when I returned there in my early twenties.

          Our house had a detached garage. The front yard had a picket fence and there was space to park a car in front of the fence. Beyond that was the road and on the other side was a huge field which ended at the creek. These were vast distances to me back then and that’s how I always remembered that place.

          When John and I returned there on one of our car trips, I was amazed to see there was no space in front of the fence (which had disappeared) to park a car. The road ran right in front of my house and all the other houses that were still there. I could practically stand on the painted line in the middle of the road and spit into the river. My perception of a place that had remained huge in my head had shrunk by a lot. I know the canyon sides didn’t move, nor did the canyon floor shrink. Everything just seemed a lot bigger when I was smaller.

          When we first moved into this house, we had few belongings. When we talked or laughed, there was an echo. Now, there is no echo and I don’t believe it will return until all the belongings I’ve/we’ve accumulated are boxed up and taken out. The house seemed huge then, but with the addition of two sons and all the stuff brought in, the house became small. Even now, with just me and Kuma here and pretty much only using one of three bedrooms, it seems small (except when it’s time to clean).

          Visitors, and even those who haven’t visited but have been told, believe I have a beautiful garden. That’s their perception. My perception is that it needs a ton of work. I don’t see just the beauty, but the weeds, spacing, and labor the garden requires. There are times I allow myself to perceive my garden as beautiful. It’s usually at the end of the day when I’m relaxing on the deck, surrounded by greenery and blossoms, with the water feature making a lovely sound.

          There are times when I wish I was able to read minds. I’d love to be able to know what perceptions family, friends and maybe even complete strangers have of me when they meet me, get to know me, become a part of my life, or move on out of my life. The main reason for this is that I often feel that a lot of people do not see me as I see myself.

          My perception of me is that I’m loving, generous, thoughtful, considerate, helpful, and always want to, and try to, put my best self forward. Depending on the person being contemplated, I often don’t believe that is the opinion held by him or her. That’s not to say I haven’t been, and will most likely be again, a complete bitch. But, when I’ve been the bitch, I always try to make amends, apologize, do whatever I need to do to get back in that person’s good graces. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m always successful. So, perhaps it’s a good thing I am unable to read minds.

          Finally, there’s my perception of my current life. I believe I am extremely fortunate to have the life I now have. Is that the perception others have about my life?  Do they believe I’m doing just fine as a widow? Do they believe I’m completely happy with my lot? Again, I’d like to know the opinions of some people. Knowing their views probably wouldn’t change how I feel about my life and how I’m living it, but it would be interesting nonetheless to know.

          Perhaps tonight when I’m falling asleep, my mind will bring up another topic about which I can provide my own perceptions. Sweet dreams.

WHINE, WHINE, WHINE

 

          This may be a whiney blog…whiney about more than one thing too. And, I really don’t have a serious reason to be whiney, but that’s how I’m feeling today (Sunday).

          I hate feeling sticky. The weather yesterday and again today is warm and humid as in the air feels thick. The very act of breathing makes me feel sticky. Actually, doing something that requires muscle use makes me really sticky. Today was the day I water everything in my garden except the grass which is well and truly dead. Just walking from front to back and setting up the hoses/sprinklers made me feel as though I need a shower…a cold shower.

          And, okay, it could be way worse. I could live in one of the southern states that have had temperatures over 100 degrees for days, weeks, months. But it’s a dry heat they tell me, but I still think that has to feel really hot. Of course, most have air conditioning (I think), so it’s a quick walk from one air-conditioned location to another. So, yes, I agree I probably don’t have a lot to whine about here, but I HATE feeling sticky.

          It hasn’t been long since I blogged about my pot garden and the flowerbed gardens, but I’m tired of them today as well. I’m tired of having to water everything so it stays alive and continues to produce and/or bloom. I’ve also reached the point I reach at some point during the summer where I feel as though I’m done, just done. I’m at that point now where I’d be happy to begin putting the garden away for the winter and most of my dahlias haven’t even begun to bloom yet. I’m sure I’ll feel differently tomorrow or whenever movement doesn’t leave me feeling sticky.

          My final whine (I think) is about Kuma. He is one very smart doggie so why can he not learn two things I’d love for him to learn, i.e., no bark and no dig. I went back to bed this morning and left the door open so he could come and go. He went all right, right out to a place he’s dug before and dug not one area there, but three. He’s after the moles, I think. So, once again, I’ll need to scrape the dirt back into the holes. And why is there always less dirt to go back in the hole than what came out? Once I’ve replaced the dirt there, and in another location, I’m going to put metal grids over the dirt so he cannot dig there again.

          Kuma simply will not get the “no bark” command. Today, he made me so angry I upped the number on his shock collar. He yelped and I felt extremely bad. I’ve used the sound button and the vibration button as well as the shock button on a low setting, but maybe it’s going to take a bigger shock to make him stop barking. I don’t even know why or at what he’s barking because I can’t see anything out the window. So, what will make me feel worse, giving him an actual shock or putting up with his ignoring my “no bark?”  I’ll probably feel worse if I make him yelp again…I felt so cruel I wanted to kneel and love him all over to let him know how sorry I was.

          I guess I do have one more whine and it has to do with my resilience. And, okay, I know I’m much older than I once was and it’s probably the reason. Still, when I spend an entire day working away at whatever the project may be…yesterday it was taking all my plants outside and giving them a nice bath; cleaning up the areas in which they reside, washing all the plates that go beneath to catch water, and then hauling them all back inside. Yes, they look wonderful, all bright and shiny, plus I changed the way some are displayed and added a few new ones that required transplanting. I also baked a pork roast in the early morning so I can have pulled pork sandwiches.

          There was a time when I had hanging plants at every single window, plus a three-tiered display at one end of the living room. Back in that day, I would haul the plants out, transplant those that needed it, hose them off, clean and oil the shelves, wash the plates, and then haul them all back inside. Back then, I did the entire thing in one day. Today, I have about six more plants that need to be transplanted and returned inside and I’m feeling very tired. I’m not sure I’ll get to those plants today.

          I’m sure if I sat here a while longer, I could find moer things about which to whine, but I’m not going to do that. I actually feel a bit better and more energized now that I’ve whined for two pages. Thank you for reading and understanding.