PERCEPTION

 

          As I was drifting off to sleep last night, thoughts about perception began to crawl through my mind. Surprisingly, this morning I was able to recall what I’d been thinking about…perception, and how it changes over time.

          When I was under the age of eight, I lived in a small community in Idaho, which I know I’ve mentioned before. During that time, and most likely because I was so young, my perception of my surroundings was totally different than what I saw when I returned there in my early twenties.

          Our house had a detached garage. The front yard had a picket fence and there was space to park a car in front of the fence. Beyond that was the road and on the other side was a huge field which ended at the creek. These were vast distances to me back then and that’s how I always remembered that place.

          When John and I returned there on one of our car trips, I was amazed to see there was no space in front of the fence (which had disappeared) to park a car. The road ran right in front of my house and all the other houses that were still there. I could practically stand on the painted line in the middle of the road and spit into the river. My perception of a place that had remained huge in my head had shrunk by a lot. I know the canyon sides didn’t move, nor did the canyon floor shrink. Everything just seemed a lot bigger when I was smaller.

          When we first moved into this house, we had few belongings. When we talked or laughed, there was an echo. Now, there is no echo and I don’t believe it will return until all the belongings I’ve/we’ve accumulated are boxed up and taken out. The house seemed huge then, but with the addition of two sons and all the stuff brought in, the house became small. Even now, with just me and Kuma here and pretty much only using one of three bedrooms, it seems small (except when it’s time to clean).

          Visitors, and even those who haven’t visited but have been told, believe I have a beautiful garden. That’s their perception. My perception is that it needs a ton of work. I don’t see just the beauty, but the weeds, spacing, and labor the garden requires. There are times I allow myself to perceive my garden as beautiful. It’s usually at the end of the day when I’m relaxing on the deck, surrounded by greenery and blossoms, with the water feature making a lovely sound.

          There are times when I wish I was able to read minds. I’d love to be able to know what perceptions family, friends and maybe even complete strangers have of me when they meet me, get to know me, become a part of my life, or move on out of my life. The main reason for this is that I often feel that a lot of people do not see me as I see myself.

          My perception of me is that I’m loving, generous, thoughtful, considerate, helpful, and always want to, and try to, put my best self forward. Depending on the person being contemplated, I often don’t believe that is the opinion held by him or her. That’s not to say I haven’t been, and will most likely be again, a complete bitch. But, when I’ve been the bitch, I always try to make amends, apologize, do whatever I need to do to get back in that person’s good graces. Unfortunately, I don’t think I’m always successful. So, perhaps it’s a good thing I am unable to read minds.

          Finally, there’s my perception of my current life. I believe I am extremely fortunate to have the life I now have. Is that the perception others have about my life?  Do they believe I’m doing just fine as a widow? Do they believe I’m completely happy with my lot? Again, I’d like to know the opinions of some people. Knowing their views probably wouldn’t change how I feel about my life and how I’m living it, but it would be interesting nonetheless to know.

          Perhaps tonight when I’m falling asleep, my mind will bring up another topic about which I can provide my own perceptions. Sweet dreams.