NOT SUCH A HAPPY BIRTHDAY

 

Yesterday I may have joked about turning 75, but seriously, it was absolutely no joke. If you have a birthday or special occasion coming up, I highly recommend you NOT go get the second shingles shot the day before. By the end of yesterday, I knew without a single doubt what my life could/would be like when I get really old, say 95, and it sucked!!!

First my arm really hurt, and then I was roasting but had chills, so I checked my temperature and it was slightly elevated. That was probably the reason so many of my muscles and joints hurt as well. And I think I said my head felt too large for my shoulders, so my neck hurt for most of the day too. And, I stumbled around here as though I was just learning to walk or had had way too much to drink. I didn’t fall or hurt myself in any way, but if the walker I used to have had been on hand, I might have pulled it out and used it.

Friends and family remembered it was my birthday though most of them were not aware I was feeling so crummy. My friend Hadassa who lives back east and whom I met on my February cruise was the first one to text me a HB greeting. Haley was next and sent three different birthday greetings, followed by her mother, Angie’s greeting. Kathy came by on her walk and dropped off a bottle of wine, pumpkin bread, a card and a book from her neighbor Mary. Then AJ called and sang me the HB song in his own inimitable way. Thor texted HB greetings. Ernie called to wish me HB and Claudia drove out and brought me an amaryllis and card, but didn’t come inside. Kim came down with a card and Maryanne called to say HB…she was hoping I’d answer so she didn’t have to sing to voice mail. Even my old boss, Dave, called and sang me the HB song.

So, even though I felt as though I was 95, it was still a great day with family and friends reaching out to recognize my special day. I thank you all for bringing smiles to my face when by body was miserable. And finally, I just know when I do reach 95, I’m going to go around as though I’m JUST 75 because I’ll definitely deserve it…don’t ya think.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MOI

 

I managed to give myself a horrible birthday present. I received my second shingles shot yesterday and my arm is so sore I can barely sit here and type, plus my head feels way too big to be sitting on my shoulders. It’s only temporary and I didn’t have any big plans for today anyway. I think I’ll just snuggle down with my doggies and doze on the couch. What follows is what I wrote yesterday. I’m not happy with it, but it’s all I’ve got prepared.

This morning, round about 4:00 am, I turned 75 years old. Absolutely amazing as far as I’m concerned. I never ever thought about having this many years, even as they continued to multiply with each passing year. I look back at my Grandma and my mom and know that I’m in far better shape at 75 than they were when they gained that number. I believe both Grandma and mom died at 79. It’s a little sobering to think I may only have a few more years before I’m done and the oven gets turned off.

I do, however, have things going for me that they did not. Grandma used snuff and mom smoked Lucky Strike straights right until the bitter end, and the end was bitter because they took away her cigs and with them, I think, her will to go on living. I smoked once upon a time, but finally was able to stop. But I probably smoked far longer than I really should have.

I exercise and walk. Neither mom nor grandma did. When grandma fell and broke her hip, that was pretty much the end for her. I’ve had both hips replaced, and judging from the fall I took election night, I know they are holding up very well and will undoubtedly continue to do so.

Anyway, enough comparisons and thinking about how short four years really is. I should be writing about what I’ve learned over the last 75 years and/or what I’m most thankful for on this particular birthday. And, actually, the first thing that popped into my head is that there is no such word as “should.” I will or won’t, can or cannot, but according to one of the counselors I had decades ago, there is absolutely NO should. I always try to remember that, but I’m not always successful.

What I am most thankful for on this birthday is the life I’ve led up till now. I was so fortunate in my marriage to John and the life we shared. True, the last few years were horrid a lot of the time, but during those five plus decades, we shared so much. It’s the memories of those shared times and events that brings a smile to my face. Then, there’s my children, and it’s so hard to think of them as children when one is 50 and the other 40. They, too, are responsible for some of the best memories and experiences we’ve shared since their arrival in my life.

When it came to the women they married, I was very lucky there too. AJ’s wife, Angie, has been front and center for both my hip replacements and my shoulder repair. I literally could not have survived those without her help…okay, I’m sure I would have survived, but having her help made a huge difference. Thor married Amber who came with two children from previous relationships. Her daughter calls Thor Dad because he’s been her dad since she was three or younger. It seems a bit karma-ish that Thor became daddy to a little girl in the same way my daddy became my dad and almost at the same age

 And, of course the icing on the top of the family cake are my grandkids. I was there when Haley came into the world, the same way I was there for Xander. I cannot begin to describe the feeling I had as I watched the birth of my grandchildren. And then, to have them both be such a huge part of my life from the get go brought love and rewards that continue to multiply exponentially as time passes. I’m not sure if Arayli remembers her life before I came along, but she and I have shared special moments and times that bring me happy memories as well.

As for extended family, my younger brother passed away a couple of years ago, but my younger sister is still full of get-up and go and living on her own as am I. And let’s not forget the new extended family I found six years ago. I remain in close touch with younger brother in Tennessee and he keeps up me up-to-date on all the other family members. I had really hoped to visit again, but maybe next year after COVID leaves.

Then, there are my friends, the ones I talk to every week and who have always brought so much with them into my life. Their love and support was so important after John died and I’m so thankful they were there. And the friends I don’t see or talk to so often, but whenever we do connect, it’s as though no time has passed at all. Of course, it has, but we slot right into our places and enjoy each other just as if it hadn’t.

Last year I expected my birthday to be rather sad since it was the first one in almost 55 years that John hadn’t been present. It was my friends who stepped up and made sure I had a great day with lunch out, gifts, the birthday song and cards. It made the day extra special and I’m still so thankful for their efforts on my behalf. This year will be different and that’s perfectly fine. I think I’ll order out from this Mexican restaurant, maybe go to Trader Joe’s for some of those carrot cake muffins and listen to family and friends wish me a happy birthday or sing me the birthday song over the telephone.

When I sat down to write this, I wasn’t sure where I’d end up with it. I do feel as though it should be full of wisdomey nuggets, sage advice, ideas for making your/my life better, but I don’t think that’s happening. I think I’m just rambling from one topic to another, but it’s what’s in my head and coming out my fingers. I did think about doing a bullet point list of everything I’m grateful for, but decided no one really wants to read a list of stuff. In fact, I don’t want to get bogged down making a list and leaving off something that might be really important.

Actually, to be perfectly honest, I’m just not feeling it, the writing I mean. My head feels as though it’s stuffed with cotton which isn’t allowing those fabled thoughts of mine to surface or my wonderful humor to bring any delighted laughter forth. I find myself wondering and being slightly concerned about this. Does turning 75 cause some of your brain cells to be replaced with cotton? Am I suddenly going to fall asleep just sitting on the couch? Is my inability to remember shit going to increase? Did I tell you I don’t remember cleaning out the dishwasher last night. I swear the doggies or the cat had to have done it. Ah well, as long as it’s not something really important like where I live, I’m sure I’ll be just fine.

Still, it’s sobering to think about how little time may be ahead of me. My financial advisor projects my life to 94, and it would be great to make that number and go beyond provided I don’t end up in a wheelchair in a hallway somewhere drooling on my shirt. That is a goal to which I have no intention attaining.

I wish I could think of some way to end this that would leave both you and I laughing…I think I’m closer to tears than the laughter. I guess at this point in my life, all I can do is work hard to remain independent, catch and enjoy whatever wonders come my way, live in the day I’m actually experiencing instead of trying to cross bridges I haven’t reached (am I mixing my metaphors?), and be grateful I've had so much for so long while hoping it continues to 94 and beyond.

So, altogether now:          Happy birthday to me

                                         Happy birthday to me

                                         Happy birthday dearest moi

                                         Happy birthday to me.

Thank you all for the great birthday wishes!!!!

NOPE, NADA, ZIP

 

No chapter about Luke and Hannah today. I didn’t get any writing done yesterday. As a matter of fact, I’m writing this now, 12 minutes after my posts usually go public. And, the way she looks on your left is the way I'm actually feeling.

Seriously, I don’t know about any of you, but the current COVID business is scaring me more now than at any other time since it all began. I saw that one person a minute is positive or that might have been that one person a minute dies. I just know whichever one, I was shocked. And the fact that loser in the White House refuses to share the information President Elect Biden needs so he can be ready to assume control come January 20, makes me so angry, I feel as though I could practically storm the White House and slap that asshole silly. I’m also sure I’m not the only one that feels this way.

In any case, we are approaching the end of the year. Thanksgiving next week and then Christmas and New Years right after that. Thankfully, more than one pharmaceutical company is trumpeting news that a vaccine will soon be available. As soon as it is, I’ll be on the line to let them jab my shoulder.

I haven’t walked in almost two weeks now. Kathy took last week off because her knee was acting up. Me, I’ve just been lazy this week. I’m going to try to walk today and wear my new Land’s End red coat. It arrived yesterday and I think it’s probably not really cold enough to wear today, but I just might do it anyway and get all sweaty.

Luke and Hanna may not return until Saturday. I’ve high hopes the next chapter will move them closer to where I need them to go. Meanwhile, stay healthy, stay safe and have a good day.

WATER RIGHTS, CHAPTER 4, WATERFALL AND POND

 

WATERFALL AND  POND

           Montana was a strange place. One day it could be almost below freezing and then a day or so later, it would be so hot it felt like the sun would blister bare skin. Thomas told Luke the hot spell they were currently having wouldn’t last long, but until it abated, it was a good idea to get up early and get whatever was absolutely necessary done.

Luke was trying to think of something to do that wouldn’t require his presence in the sun. He looked around for Hannah and saw her lead Onyx out of his stall, climb up bareback and leave the barnyard to disappear into the forest down behind the house. He wondered where she went but didn’t try to follow. He kept himself busy in the barn and when it became almost too hot to move, he left and took up a chair on the shaded porch with Thomas.

The heat didn’t appear to bother Thomas at all. He still wore his long-sleeved flannel shirt, but had given up his boots for soft slippers. They talked for a bit about the weather and after Luke brought iced tea out for both of them, he asked, “Where does Hannah disappear to on Onyx? It must be someplace cooler than here, plus I’ve noticed when she returns, her hair appears damp and she looks way cooler than when she leaves.”

“I reckon she rides out to the waterfall.” Thomas answered. “In all the years there’s been a Wakefield here, that waterfall has never dried up. Sure, some times it’s been just a poor trickle, but over time, its carved out a largish pool. I haven’t been up there in years, but it was one of Gracie’s and mine favorite places. We always knew no matter how hot it got, we could always go to the waterfall and cool off. You know, Luke, you’ve been here for going on five months now. I’m surprised you haven’t gone out exploring on your own.”

“Well, Thomas, you do keep me kinda busy, and I wasn’t sure if I had permission to ride out just any old place.”

“Sure, you do. As long as the chores are done on days like this, your time is your own, here on the porch, in the barn or out in the hills. I think you’d enjoy going for a nice long ride. Actually, you should ask Hannah for a tour of her and Gracie’s favorite places.”

The following day, Luke saddled one of his horses before Hannah left on Onyx. He went in the same direction she usually took. Once he was in the forest, he followed the path that had been worn over years of use. It was obvious from the marks that Hannah and Onyx went this way. Luke and his horse moved slowly along the path. In several places, another path would branch off, but he stayed on the main one because it seemed to have the most use.

He heard the water before he rode up to it. First it was a smallish river that flowed downhill on his right and as he continued up the path, the top of the waterfall came into view. It was still running quite fast, but Luke could see it might be reduced during a hot summer, especially if all the snow up on the mountain behind were to melt.

Luke found where Onyx had been tied during Hannah’s visits. He got down and tied up his own horse and walked to the edge of the largish pond at the foot of the waterfall. He kneeled and stuck his hand in the water. Oh my God, he thought, that should have ice floating on top. He couldn’t imagine taking his clothes off and getting into the pool which was surrounded by a number of large and flat rocks that more or less glowed in the sunshine. He’d bet a jump into the water would be followed by a stretch on one of those warm rocks.

Luke hopped from rock to rock until he reached the edge of one. The pool bottom appeared to be several feet or more down. The spray from the waterfall felt wonderful as it wafted his way. It felt so good, he yanked his t-shirt over his head and dropped it on the rock. He didn’t plan to go swimming, but perhaps sticking his feet into the water would feel as good as the spray did on his head, back and chest. He rolled up his jeans, pulled off his boots and socks and sat down on the rock’s edge. Initially, the cold water made his skin feel as though it were burning, but his feet were soon numb and that felt great. He lay back on the rock and closed his eyes.

Shortly, he heard noises from below and in a few minutes, he watched through barely open eyes as Hannan and Onyx rode into the little glade that surrounded the pool and waterfall. He saw Hannah’s face frown when she saw his horse and then him laying on the rock. Luke opened his eyes and sat up. “Wow, this is absolutely perfect. Your own little swimming hole even though the water’s so cold it almost hurts.”

Hannah pasted a small smile on her face. “I didn’t expect to find you here. This is one of my special places, actually the most special place on the ranch. I think if there was room, I’d build a tiny house and actually live right here. It’s so peaceful and quiet with only the music of the waterfall and birds to break the silence.”

“I agree. Now I wish I’d done more riding about in the time I’ve been here. It makes me wonder what other treats I’d find.” Luke responded.

Hannah was trying very hard not to stare at Luke’s naked upper body. She decided she wouldn’t look in his direction. Instead of jumping off Onyx, she told Luke, “Well, you were here first, so I’ll just mosey along. If you decide to actually swim, the first few seconds will take your breath away, but after that it feels wonderful, especially when you climb out on the warm rocks.”

“Hey, Hannah,” Luke’s voice was pitched a bit louder and stopped Hannah in the process of turning Onyx. “You don’t have to go. This is your place and if we can’t share it, I’ll be on my way.”

“No, no, that’s okay. First finders is keepers…so just stay and enjoy.”

By this time, Luke had hopped over the rocks in his bare feet and come to stand beside Onyx. Hannah kept her eyes downcast, hoping Luke wouldn’t notice how hard she was trying to not look at him. As he stood there, he put out his hand and clasped her bare calf with his extremely frigid hand. “Come on Hannah, I won’t bite you. Let’s stay here together and enjoy this wonderful place. If you leave, then I’m leaving too and then neither one of us can enjoy the cool before we have to head back to the barn.”

Luke’s cold hand on her calf sent shivers through Hannah’s entire body. She hoped he wouldn’t notice, but of course he did. “Oh, I’m sorry Hannah, I didn’t mean to put my freezing hand on you. I didn’t think beyond getting you to join me.”

Now that Luke had let go, Hannah swung her leg over Onyx’s back to the ground. Luke took the reins and put the big gelding alongside his own smaller horse.

“Thank you, Luke.” Hannah said over her shoulder as she walked over to the rocks. She sat down and removed her boots and socks. Then, she stood up, ran to the edge of the pool and jumped.

Hannah came to the surface, gasping, “Oh, I absolutely love this, but I hate it too. It’s so cold.” Her teeth were chattering, but she began to swim from one side of the pool to the other. After about the tenth or so crossing, she swam to the edge and lifted herself out of the water.

Luke immediately became aware of the fact Hannah was a woman. The tank top clung to her like a second skin, exposing large and hard nipples on her chest. The shorts she’d worn were denim, but it was as if the cold water had shrunk them down a couple of sizes. He had never been so aware of a woman physically and had to look away. He rolled to his stomach and put his head on his arms. He’d barely made himself comfortable when Hannah stood over him and squeezed cold water from her braid onto his back.

Luke leaped and turned over, laughing. “Oh, so that’s how you want to play it eh?” Before she could move, he’d stood, scooped her up and made for the pool. He was going to throw her right in the middle of it. At the edge, he looked down into her face. She was laughing and squirming, but when his eyes met hers, the laughter stopped and they stared at one another for what seemed like hours but probably wasn’t even a minute.

Luke put her down and let go when he was sure she was stable. “Sorry about that. I didn’t stop to think once I felt that water on my hot back. My apologies.”

Hannah could feel every single cell where Luke’s body had touched hers. She could also feel other parts of her anatomy and had to keep a tight rein on her desire to throw herself in his arms, grab his head and kiss him until, until, until…well, crap, she said to herself. Kiss him until what? He kisses back? He throws me in the water? She wished she had some idea of how to proceed here. The longer they spent time together, working, riding, eating, the more Hannah knew she was strongly attracted to Luke. She just couldn’t tell if he was attracted back. She didn’t want to make a fool of herself, so she turned away and laid down on the rock, her arm over her eyes.

As for Luke, he was aware of every place on his own body where he had pulled Hannah’s cold one against his. As he stood, ready to toss her and had looked into her eyes, he could feel his cock stir and terribly uncomfortable, he had quickly put Hannah down before it reached the size where she’d be able to feel it. Now that she’d turned away and laid down, he still felt such a strong attraction, he wanted to lay down on top of her and have his way with her. Luke didn’t think he’d ever wanted a woman as much as he wanted Hannah. He needed to leave and not just the pool, but the ranch because he was becoming too fond of both Hannah and her gramps, and now, he so seriously wanted to make love to her it hurt.

“Um, uh, I’m going to head on back, maybe check one of those other paths that branched off the main one.” Luke said as he sat down to put on his socks and boots.

“You sure you don’t want to stay? Maybe we could have a contest for who can do the best cannonball? Or, can you swim? If you can, we could race back and forth in the pool.” Hannah had raised up, rolled to her side, to look up at him with her head resting on one hand. Her breasts looked as though they were just about to fall out of the tank top.

My God, Luke thought, Hannah has absolutely no idea how sexy she looks laying there. How inviting. He almost groaned aloud. Instead, he stood up, trying to keep his eyes on her face and not on her chest. “No, thanks Hannah. I didn’t know there’d be water sports and so I’m not wearing a bathing suit. And, I know from experience that riding a horse in wet jeans tends to be extremely uncomfortable.

“Well then, take your jeans off and go in your undies.” Hannah proposed with a laugh as she tugged gently on the bottom of his jeans.

Luke stepped back and away from her hand. “Well, that’s the problem, I’m not wearing any shorts.” He couldn’t bring himself to say undies. Good God but this was fucking embarrassing. He needed to go and right now.

“See you in the barn later.” Luke called as he mounted his horse, turned it toward the trail and walked away.

Well, that was a little strange Hannah thought. We were having fun until he looked at me just before he was going to give me a toss. I thought he was going to kiss me instead, but he just put me down. I wanted to throw my arms around his neck and find out what it would be like to kiss him, to have him kiss me.

At this point, Hannah started to turn over and that’s when she realized her entire left breast was hanging out of her top. Oh crap, she thought. I wonder if that’s why he left in such a hurry? Maybe it embarrassed him. Oh, probably not. He left quickly so I wouldn’t be embarrassed.

She tucked herself away and moved to a rock in the shade. She didn’t want to get a sunburn, but she wasn’t ready to leave yet. She laid there with her head on her arms and made up a few little fantasies about Luke and how she just knew he was the one to show her what it would be like to make love.

As she dozed and fantasized, she thought of various ways in which she might be able to seduce him. That was the word in all those romances she’d read as a teenager. How could she make him want her? She knew he was a few years older and as good looking as he was, she was sure he’d had a lot of experience. Maybe he only liked girls with experience. Maybe the thought of a virgin scares him. How would he know I’m a virgin anyway she wondered?

She was sure he had to have some idea about her life by now. He knew how the kids in town treated her. Gramps had said enough stuff so that Luke had to know all she’d ever done was go to school and work on the ranch since she arrived from New York. He had to have noticed she had no friends visit during the time he’d been here, just her grandfather’s cronies and there weren’t many of those left either.

Oh, face it, she told herself. You’re just a country bumpkin, no makeup, no fancy clothes, no engaging repartee about the state of the world or whatever. Unattractive and boring, that’s me. Her optimistic side countered with the fact Luke hadn’t been into town alone since he arrived, so unless he was a virgin too, and she didn’t think he was, then he had to want or need a woman soon. Maybe she could be that woman. She’d have to give it some thought.

Meanwhile, Luke was already fairly far down the trail and giving himself hell. There’s no way I can take advantage of Hannah and her gramps. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I want her so badly I could almost convince myself to turn around, go back and spend the rest of the afternoon making love to her. But I’m not going to. I’m going to keep my distance. When I leave here after I get whatever information Jamison wants, I don’t want to feel any worse than I already know I’m going to feel. Slumped in the saddle, tormented by his own bad thoughts, Luke chose a path at random. He’d just poke along here and wander around until it was time to go back to the barn. That’s what he was going to have to do until he could leave. Ride around, be gone, do whatever it took to stay away from Hannah.

         

MISCELLANEA...AGAIN

 

No chapter about Luke and Hannah today. I didn’t get any writing done on Monday…errands day. I was shocked when I went to Costco on my monthly trip. There was a huge line that would have ended up out on Aurora Avenue if there wasn’t a huge bank there. Only once before back in the spring did I find any kind of line at all. All the other trips, I’ve gone right in. And, this was at almost 10:00 am. Anyway, I was extremely glad I had an umbrella to keep me dry while I waited although it didn’t take all that long before I was inside. Got my stuff and got out. And, I’m happy to say I only made one impulse buy…a quartet of small brie in different flavors. I figured why not treat myself to something I really like when I’m going to be here by myself.

Following that, I went to Double D meats in the hope they’d have the Mariner hotdogs they used to carry, but whoever made them no longer does and while I’m not a great hotdog fan, I liked those. Lastly to QFC for the rest of the stuff on my list. No point in purchasing huge bags of salad and other huge containers of stuff at Costco when some of it will simply go bad before I can get it eaten.

Had a nice long conversation with Thor and a much shorter one with Xander who is far too busy to talk to his Nana for long, but he did sign off saying he loves me. I think I posted that Thor had taken all his father’s collector cards and was organizing and trying to sell them on E-bay. We had a chuckle about how his dad collected all this stuff and not much of it has been worth anything.

That led to me to thanking Thor for my financial situation today. I left my UW job shortly before I gave birth to him and spent the next four years being a wife and mommy, the longest period ever I didn’t have a job. Thor was going to go to kindergarten that next year and I really needed to get him off my thigh, so to speak. He started preschool when he was two because he was potty-trained, but we were still together all the other hours/days.

The first job the City of Seattle offered me was at a clinic for handicapped children in Pioneer Square. I declined because I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle the sadness of such a place.  The next offer came from the Department of Parks and Recreation for a permanent part-time job at the Denny Park location on Dexter. I accepted and enrolled Thor in day-care at the local grade school.

For the next four to six weeks, we had a hard time with letting go. When I put Thor to bed at night, he pleaded for me to stay home and when I dropped him off in the mornings, he cried like his heart would break. The teachers there told me I was barely out of sight when the tears dried up and he was happy and playing. That finally made me think that my own angst over leaving Thor was probably compounding the problem. One night I had a little talk with him and told him, “There’s going to be things throughout your life that you are not going to like. Mommy having a job and working is one of those things. Mommy’s not going to quit her job, so you’re going to have to get used to going to day-care.”

I think when I accepted the fact I wasn’t ever going to be a full-time mommy again and let go of my own sad feelings, Thor was able to move on too…probably crying and pleading just to make mommy feel good…he’s always been such a good boy that way. And, it was a good thing too, because apparently my angst carried over to work and my boss told me later that he was just about to let me go when Thor and I got things together.

Still, I had no idea about the City of Seattle benefits. For the first few times there was a holiday on Monday, I didn’t put any hours on my time-sheet. I was part-time. Still, my check would come with extra money on it. I think it was a woman I worked with who explained the part about my job being permanent and that it meant I got sick leave, vacation, retirement and pay for holidays. Well, hell, wasn’t that wonderful news.

Then, several years later, my job was written out of the budget at Dexter and the only permanent part-time job was at Woodland Park Zoo. So, I HAD to go there, but what a blessing that actually turned out to be. When the zoo went into a public-private partnership with the City, all my benefits came with me when I became a Zoo Society employee. Not only that, but the City had to match the funds in my retirement account. Whoa, that was great news.

It was also then I became a salaried employee as opposed to hourly. I continued to fill out my time sheets and put down sick leave hours for doctor and dentist appointments. Our payroll person finally came to me and explained that I didn’t have to do that. I was salaried and if I came to work for just a minute, that meant I got paid for the entire day. Whoa, wasn’t that nice. At the same time, it also meant that the hours I stayed after for board meetings and other events did not appear on my time sheet. My time then was gratis.

So, it’s thanks to Thor that I ended up with a retirement account that made retirement possible and gives me a certain amount of financial security. I thanked him for that today and he pointed out that his brother also ended up working for the Parks Department, so he should be thanked for that too. And yes, I did provide AJ with an application for seasonal work when he graduated from high school. But it was his decision to accept first the permanent part-time job they offered and then the full-time job. He should have a great retirement account as well.

The only sadness in my day had to do with losing touch, more or less, with an old friend. Perhaps at some point we’ll touch base again, but for now I need to pretend my friend is out there somewhere but unable to connect.

It reminds me of a very close relationship I had with a cousin. For various reasons I won’t go into here, she had to stop being my friend and go on with her life. I was crushed because we’d been together every single day for several years. I went to see my old counselor because I felt so bad, sort of like she’d died but was yet living and living without me. He didn’t make me feel any better because he knew all the circumstances surrounding the reasons for her withdrawal because he had been her counselor as well. His advice was to pretend my cousin was on an island that didn’t allow outgoing or incoming mail or contacts.

That didn’t help me feel any less sad or bad over what had happened, but he was right in a way. When the time came and my cousin was able to reach out again, we reconnected. We still aren’t in each other’s lives the way we were then, but whenever we do connect, it’s good, VERY GOOD and I’m grateful.

So, I guess I’ll pretend my absent friend is on an island and perhaps one day I’ll get an email, text, phone call or whatever and we can begin our friendship again…and then maybe not. Still, I’m very grateful for all the talks, laughter, sharing that we’ve done in the past. I wish my friend nothing but the best and hope eventually my friend will realize I’m more of a positive in life than not.

I’ll do my best to provide a new Luke and Hannah chapter tomorrow. I just remembered Luke and Laura from General Hospital…chose the wrong name for Hannah. I’m laughing as I type this.

WATER RIGHTS, CHAPTER 3, LUKE AND HANNAH

LUKE AND HANNAH 

          While Hannah was lost in her own thoughts, Luke drove and tried hard to figure out what he was going to do, or should do. Today had been the first time he’d run into Jamison since he’d manufactured his truck breakdown so he could be on the ranch. And Jamison had been so pissed Luke couldn’t provide any new information about Thomas and the girl and the ranch. Luke cringed when he recalled Jamison’s tirade.

          “What the goddamn fuck am I paying ya for if ya haven’t learned a single goddamned fucking thing since ya been there? I figured by now you’d be in that gal’s panties and her pillow talk would give you every single fuckin’ thing I need to know. What, she’s too fuckin’ ugly for you? I’m not payin’ you to court her. I’m payin’ ya to fuck her for information. Did you forgit I hired ya for ya pretty face and manners, not to mention getting your equipment out of that pawn shop?”

          That’s when they became aware Hannah had returned to the truck. Thankfully, Jamison hadn’t been shouting and Luke hoped like hell Hannah hadn’t heard a single word of his diatribe. He wondered if that’s why she was being so quiet. Jamison’s final words still rang in Luke’s ears even though the man had whispered, “Now, ya get ya fuckin’ ass back over to that twat, make nice, and find out what they’re fuckin’ plannin’ about the fuckin’ water on their land. If’n you cant fuckin’ do it, I’ll find myself someone who fuckin’ can.”

          Luke had been desperate when Jamison had approached him just after the first of the year. All his tack had been pawned and he was living in his truck, barely able to feed his two horses in the trailer. He was at the point where he’d almost decided to sell his horses and trailer. It would hurt like hell to let them go, but it was going to be that or they’d all starve.

          It hadn’t sounded like such a big deal when Jamison said he’d pay to get Luke’s tack out of pawn, that he’d give him so much a month with a bonus once Luke acquired the information Jamison needed. It had sounded like he’d get there, be there and then be gone before the month was over. The way Jamison talked, the old man was due to die any time and then the girl would go back to New York and he, Jamison, would be able to buy the ranch. Sounded easy peasy, but here he was, over two months later without a single mention of the ranch’s disposition when Thomas died. And, Luke realized with some chagrin, he didn’t really want Thomas to die.

          In fact, Luke didn’t want Thomas to die or to have Hannah return to New York. He had come to care for them both, to love the work he was doing at the ranch. He realized he didn’t want to play either of them to get information, that he didn’t want to load up his horses and leave. Luke felt like he was between a rock and a hard place. He wondered if he should tell Thomas and Hannah about Jamison. He wondered if there was some way he could get enough money to pay back what Jamison had already given him. Luke didn’t want to tell Thomas and Hannah why he’d come into their lives. He liked the way they looked at him, included him, and that would all change once they realized he was Jamison’s snake in the grass. He heaved a big sigh.

          “You okay over there Luke? You’ve been pretty quiet since we left town, but then, I haven’t had anything to say either.”

          “I’m okay, just thinking about some stuff. Nothing to concern your pretty head.”

          “Pretty head? What, did you have something to drink in town when I wasn’t looking?”

          Luke laughed and responded, “No, didn’t have a drop, but you should look in a mirror some time. You really are quite pretty.”

          It was Hannah’s turn to laugh, and she adopted a southern accent to say, “Why shucks, sir, you’re gonna turn my head if you keep talking like that. My daddy done warned me about pretty boys like you.”

          They were both laughing as they pulled into the lane to the ranch.

          Another couple of months passed and Luke became even more engrossed in the lives of Thomas and Hannah. A couple of times during that period, Thomas and Hannah drove into town together, but it wasn’t their town, it was the larger little city more than an hour away. It wasn’t reachable during winter because of all the snow in the pass. Luke tried to find out what they were doing there, but all Hannah would say was that her gramps had some business he needed to see to. The second trip, Luke tried to go along or drive one or both of them, but Thomas had told him it was family business and he needed Luke to stay behind just in case an unexpected storm hit the pass and they couldn’t get back the same day.

          Luke and Hannah continued to work together and had become close. They could exchange a look and know exactly what the other one was thinking. Sometimes they finished each other’s sentences. They found some of the same topics made them both laugh. They enjoyed each other’s company, but there had been no overt touching or seducing or anything romantic between them.

          For Luke, it was a kind of torture. With the warmer weather Hannah had discarded some of the layers of clothes she wore. She still didn’t show a lot of skin, but that was a good thing because she was so pale the sun would have burned her to a crisp in no time. He couldn’t tell for sure, but she seemed to have a nice set of boobs and her waist looked so tiny, he thought maybe he could put his hands around her. He tried to think of some way he could approach her, touch her, but didn’t want to ruin the great rapport they shared and he was afraid if he tried to take the next step, she’d back far far away.

          Hannah was also experiencing some pangs about being so close to Luke but being unable to touch him. She wanted to trace the tattoo on his bicep that appeared when he began to wear short-sleeved t-shirts. Actually, Hannah wanted to rip the t-shirt off him and just stand there and gawk if his body and muscles were as defined and gorgeous as the t-shirt tucked into his tight jeans hinted. She couldn’t bring herself to reach out. She was too afraid Luke would back away, be insulted by her desire if she let it show. She was seriously afraid she’d come to care for him so much that if he pushed her away, she’d simply curl up and die.

          During this time Thomas was doing less and less around the ranch. If he wasn’t sitting inside dozing, he took himself to the front porch where he could see his land and the valley beyond. Whenever Luke had a minute, he’d join Thomas on the porch and listen to the old man talk about the old days. When the evenings warmed up, the three of them would gather on the porch and both Hannah and Luke would listen to Thomas reminisce.

          When Thomas’ dad was young, and even when Thomas was a boy, it was a hard-working ranch. There were way more cattle than now existed. There would be a round-up every fall with lots of cowboys hired to track the cattle down and move them from the hills to the valley. They’d all work to get the male calves castrated, the animals held over from the previous year, now fat and heavy from the spring and summer grass, to the railroad for shipment east to become beef for sale in stores.

          Luke came to realize he was looking at a very faded picture of what the ranch had once been. The barnyard had bustled with chickens clucking, crowing and pecking, pigs snorting and rooting through mud, horses and foals out in the pasture, at least two or more milk cows to provide the milk needed for butter and cheese and drinking. Luke wished he’d been able to be part of that ranch, that successful ranch that no longer existed.

          One evening, Luke tried to ask Thomas about the ranch’s future, “So, Thomas, what’s going to happen to the ranch when you join your ancestors?”

          Before Thomas could form a reply, Hannah jumped in with, “Now don’t go asking questions like that. Gramps has a lot of time left yet. He won’t be leaving this ranch or me any time soon. Right gramps?” Then she got up, kissed the top of Thomas’ head and left, saying, “I’m going to take myself to bed. I’ve got a good book I’m reading.”

          In the silence that followed, Thomas cleared his throat. “If’n you’re wondering what will happen to Hannah when I die, I’ve made sure she’ll be well taken care of. Her and any husband and kids she may have in her life. You’re a good boy Luke and you and Hannah seem to get along really well. Just want to say you’re welcome here for as long as you want to stay.”

          Silence returned and Luke was so uncomfortable he wanted to put his horses in his trailer and drive straight away from there. Thomas had more or less let him know he would approve of a relationship between Luke and Hannah. Luke was sure he wouldn’t feel that way if he learned or knew Luke was Jamison’s hired hand.

          Luke didn’t say anything and soon Thomas was regaling him with a tale about the largest fish he’d ever caught in the river than ran through the ranch. “Used to be you could stand on the bank and barely get the hook wet before a trout would be hanging on. I haven’t been down there fishing for a few years now so I don’t know if the population has increased or gone down. My gear is in the hall closet, so if you’d like ta throw a line in, feel free. Trout is good eatin’ and I’d dearly love me a trout dinner with fried onions and potatoes.”

          Luke thanked him and Thomas became quiet for a bit. “Course, the potatoes and onions would be even better if they’d grew in ranch dirt. Did I tell you we always had us a huge vegetable garden when my wife was alive? The summer before Gracie died was the last big garden we had and even then, it wasn’t as big as we’d had in years past. With just me and Han, there didn’t seem to be any point, although Gracie did teach Han every single thing she needed to know to plant and grow and harvest from the garden.

          “You know Han’s mom left here for good when she was 19 because I know Han told you that. What you don’t know is that Gracie and I felt like we’d been given a second chance when Han came to live with us. And, the way she took to the ranch work and doing even more than her share at times made us hope Han would find someone who’d want to take over from me and continue the ranch for another generation.

          “But Han’s never brought anyone home or even tried to become part of the town’s social scene. Think it was hard for her to fit in coming from New York. I haven’t asked her what she thinks she’ll do when I’m gone, mainly because she don’t want to talk about it, but it’s a conversation we’re going to have to have at some point. I hate to think of her here on her own all alone.”

          Thomas lapsed into silence again and Luke was even more uncomfortable. The thing was he could see himself sitting on the porch when he was as old as Thomas. He could see himself with Hannah, helping bring the ranch back to a new glory. He could even see a bunch of kids that looked like him and Hannah running around the barnyard. And while Luke could see that, he knew it wasn’t in his future, that his future had already been decided when he’d removed the fuses from the truck so he could stay here and find out whatever it was Jamison wanted to know. He was such a low-life snake in the grass.

          Thomas seemed to be talked out and Luke heard him begin to snore. “Thomas, Thomas, c’mon, wake up. You can’t be sleeping out here on the porch. C’mon and we’ll head in to bed.”

          Luke helped Thomas rise and steadied him until he found his balance. They went inside, Thomas first and Luke turned back to close and lock the door. He followed the old man down the hall. “Is there anything I can do or get you before you hit the hay?” Luke asked.

          “I’m gonna brush my teeth, but if you could bring me a big glass of water, that would be great. I find I get pretty thirsty during the night.”

          Luke took his time to give the old man a chance to get in bed. He turned off lights, checked doors and windows as he’d see Hannah and/or Thomas do and then carried the water into Thomas’ bedroom. As he’d hoped, Thomas was in bed, covers pulled up. He sat the water on the night table where the old man could reach it.

          “Thank you, Luke. You’re such a fine young man. I hope you know just how much I appreciate all you’ve done for me and for Han since you arrived here. It was almost like the good Lord looked down and saw how much we needed a young man like you. I’m so glad He made your truck stop by the end of our lane.”

          “Thanks Thomas, but I’m definitely no angel. Good night, sleep tight.” Luke responded, feeling absolutely miserable and so sad. He went on to his own room, thinking he absolutely had to find a way out of the mess he was in.

          

WATER RIGHTS, CHAPTER 2, HANNAH AND LUKE

 

HANNAH AND LUKE

          Soon, the three of them settled into a routine. Luke and Hannah went out to the meadow morning and evening. Luke took care of the work required in the barn while Hannah returned to the house and cooked a hearty breakfast. Thomas was feeling a bit left out after a few days, so Hannah told him he could do the cleaning up after meals. “And don’t be telling me you don’t know how, because I still remember how you always helped granny. I’ve been spoiling the dickens out of you since you came home from the hospital.”

          Most days Luke went back out to the barn to take care of the tack and saddles and any other things that he thought could be improved. Clearly, there had been way too much for Thomas and Hannah to keep up. Things that weren’t absolutely necessary had gone without attention. He found he really enjoyed the work he was doing here and the people he was doing it with. He tried not to think about why he was doing it because it made him feel guilty.

          Over time Hannah’s reticence was replaced by a young woman who had a clever sense of humor, was friendly, relaxed and verbal around Luke and her grandfather. On the rides back and forth to the meadow, and sometimes in the afternoons, Luke could get Hannah to respond to his carefully worded questions, and slowly he learned how and why she’d ended up on the farm.

The drives into town were also opportunities for him to ingratiate himself and learn more about her. In town, she would get her grandfather’s prescriptions filled, visit the feed store and the grocery store to keep their larder stocked, but her never saw her actually interact with or act as though she was happy to see any of the town folk. Luke enjoyed having the young woman, who he’d learned was actually 19 years old, beside him in the tractor or truck or just at the kitchen table.

He learned Hannah’s mom had been an only child and hadn’t wanted the ranch life. She broke her parents’ hearts when she took off for New York City as soon as she was old enough. Hannah’s mom hadn’t become a star on Broadway as she’d been so sure she would, but she’d met Hannah’s dad when she got a bit part on a soap opera. According to the stories her mom had told her, it had been love at first sight. They were together from that first day and joyous when they’d found out her mom was pregnant with Hannah, so they got married.

Luke was astonished to find out her father was Stephen Townsend. He’d watched the soap on which her dad had a regular part with his mom growing up. Her dad’s salary was enough so Hannah’s mom didn’t have to go out and work. Hannah had so many memories from those first years. She and her mother explored New York when she was old enough while her dad worked. In the evenings, they had dinner together and often danced and sang and pretended to put on shows for each other. There was lots of hugs and kisses and togetherness. Hannah always felt so safe and so loved, even when the World Trade Center Towers were attacked and New York became a nightmare for a while. To Luke, it sounded perfect and he hoped as time went on, she’d share more stories about New York and what she’d done there.

When she was ready for school, her mom had enrolled her in a one that many actor’s children attended. Most of the other kids were like her and believed they’d grow up and become actors like their parents. The gleam from Broadway stretched far. By the time she was 10, Hannah had already been in a number of plays, a couple of commercials and her parents were convinced it was only a matter of time before the right role in a movie appeared.

Then, just after her 11^th birthday, her entire life was upended. Her parents were riding the subway together which was something they rarely did because they didn’t believe it was safe. A young man going through withdrawal, crazy with need for a fix and carrying a gun, shot them both and took her mom’s purse and her dad’s wallet. Just like that she was an orphan.

Her father didn’t have any close family, so Hannah’s only recourse was her mother’s parents and the farm. Granny came to New York as soon as she got word and helped Hannah with her grief, funeral arrangements and finally to go through all the stuff in the apartment. There wasn’t a lot she could take to Montana with her. There wasn’t money to box it up and store it. In fact, there was very little money because her parents had been so young and hadn’t even begun to think about the future which seemed so many years away.

Her granny was very sympathetic, holding Hannah while she cried, assuring her things would be okay eventually. So, what Hannah didn’t want or couldn’t take to Montana was sold and the remaining clothes, photos, and keepsakes were boxed up and sent to the farm. Her parents were cremated and packed up too, so they could be buried together on the ranch.

The ranch and her grandparents weren’t total strangers because her mother had brought Hannah back home once a year to visit. Then, Hannah had loved everything about the ranch, but she’d never ever thought she’d leave her beloved New York to make it her permanent home. The first year was exceptionally hard because there was so much she had to learn both at the farm and at school. She told Luke she was determined to be successful even if it meant having to act a part and she knew she was a good actor and could pull it off. She was right about part of it, the ranch work part.

Ranch work wasn’t terribly difficult once she began to develop some muscles and she did love the animals and taking care of them. Then they’d had chickens and ducks, and pigs as well as the horses and cattle. Some of Hannah’s favorite memories were of her and her granny riding out into the hills together and granny showing Hannah her very most favorite places. Even though granny had been gone a couple of years, Hannah told Luke she still rode out and visited those special spots because it made her feel close to her granny and her mom because granny said her mother had loved them too.

School was a totally different story. First, Hannah was dressed all wrong, like something out of a magazine. Then there was her hair. It had never been cut and hit below her butt. She almost always wore it in a braid. All the other kids wore jeans and flannel shirts and boots and sported the latest hairstyles. And, okay, granny had bought her jeans and shirts and boots when she first arrived, but Hannah thought those were work clothes. Her very first day she became the butt of many mean jokes. It didn’t help that she’d arrived after sixth grade had already begun for the year, but the cliques had been formed years before and any chance of her being initiated into one of them didn’t even come up because she dressed and looked funny.

Luke wondered then if that was why Hannah wore such ill-fitting clothing. The shirts and pants were always way too big and he thought perhaps there was at least another layer, maybe two beneath what he could see. He wondered just how much damage had been done by her school mates. Kids could be so cruel. He also wondered if that’s why Hannah tended to avoid anyone in town that looked as though they could be close to her age. She was always polite and respectful to her elders, but he’d actually seen her turn and walk the other way at times when younger folk were headed her way. He got his answer on what must have been their fourth excursion into town.

Hannah had walked around the corner toward the grocery store. Luke was going to the feed store. He’d only taken a couple of steps when his ears caught her name.

“Well, if it isn’t that Hannie Girlie.” A male voice said nastily. “Haven’t seen you since school ended. And, I can see you still have that stupid braid. Wish I had me some scissors and I’d cut it off right at the top.” This was followed by laughter, both male and female. “And just look at the way she dresses. Is she actually a girl? Doesn’t look like she even has any tits.”

Another female voice took over. “Well, I can testify to her having tits because I saw her in gym class. And she’s got the biggest bush of hair on her pube. You could probably braid that too.” More nasty laughter.

Luke straightened himself all the way up and stepped back around the corner, “Are these assholes bothering you Ms. Townsend? If they are, I surely know just how to make them go away. But, instead of making a scene like they’re trying to do, let’s just get our business done and go home.” He took Hannah’s hand and placed it on his arm. “Now, if you rude and nasty little rats could step aside, we’ll be on our way.” He towered over the people who had been tormenting Hannah. He stepped forward and they stepped back. Within a couple of steps, he and Hannah were walking away from the offensive little group. Once they were around the corner, Luke asked, “Does that happen often?”

“Well, it’s happened ever since I came to live here. It’s not their fucking business how my parents died. It’s not their fucking business why I had to come live with Granny and Gramps. It’s not their fucking business if I promised my mother I wouldn’t cut my hair. They’ve always needed someone to pick on and since the day I arrived in my New Yawk clothes, they’ve picked on me. I use my acting skills to make them think whatever they fucking say doesn’t matter. Still, it fucking hurts, hurts a lot so I just try to make myself as inconspicuous as possible and escape as soon as I can.”

“School must have been hell.” Luke could hear the tears and rage in her voice.

“You have no idea and my grandparents had no idea either because I did act. I did pretend that everything was just fine. And I always had some excuse for why I didn’t bring any friends home to the ranch or attend any parties. I couldn’t share the nasty stuff with them. They were so good to me. If I couldn’t have my own parents, they were the next best.” Hannah stopped and took a deep breath. “Anyway, I’m okay now. Let me do the grocery shopping and meet you back at the truck.”

When she came pushing the cart toward the truck, she didn’t see Luke. Then, she saw him with horrible Clyde Jamison. Jamison seemed to be telling Luke something, gesturing with his hands and arms. Luke was listening attentively. She stood and watched, wondering what Jamison could possibly have to say to Luke. Probably trying to find out how gramps is doing. I’ll have to warn him that Jamison is a snake and not to be trusted she thought.

Suddenly, they both looked her way. Something flickered in Luke’s eyes, but was gone so quickly she wasn’t sure if she saw what looked like guilt or not. Jamison doffed his hat and gave her a big toothy smile. She looked away.

When Luke reached her and began to help stow the groceries, she asked, “What did Jamison want?”

“Is that his name?” Luke responded. “He was asking me about your grandfather’s health and asked me to take his best wishes to Thomas. He seemed to genuinely care about how Thomas is doing. Are they good friends?”

Hannah slammed the truck door and turned to face Luke, “Hell no, they have never been and will never be friends. Jamison is a real, a real, a real, well asshole, make that a fucking asshole. When gramps had his heart attack last year, Jamison was at the door trying to buy the ranch before I even knew if he was going to live or die. He almost caused Gramps to have a second one which would have killed him. I hate Jamison and wouldn’t sell him a cup of water if he were on fucking fire.”

“Wow, there must be some red hair in that braid of yours. I think you could become a real spitfire if someone made you angry.” Luke laughed and patted her back. “Relax, he’s gone. Your Gramps is fine, it’s all fine. Now, let’s head back to the ranch.”

Millie leaned back against the seat and stared out the window as Luke drove. She could still feel Luke’s hand on her back, could still feel the strength of his arm under her fingers. Him standing up for her made her feel good. He seems to care for me she thought. The experience and Luke’s touch made her feel sort of unsettled, like she had an itch in the middle of her back she couldn’t reach. She also felt something at the base of her tummy. She thought she knew what it was. She’d read a lot of books. Based on what she’d read, Hannah figured what she was feeling down there was desire.

She knew what an orgasm was and not just from reading a book. Hannah had already found she could make herself feel good before she came to the ranch. What she didn’t know was how it would feel to have a horse between her thighs. The first time she’d been on horseback alone, she’d let herself go and was thankful she hadn’t fallen off when she experienced the best come ever. She’d just never felt anything like what she was feeling there now.

She wished she had a best friend she could call and talk to about her feelings. She’d never had a boyfriend, or even a close girlfriend because she’d come so late to the ranch and the town. She wished she had her mother or even granny to advise her about the thoughts and feelings she seemed to be developing for Luke. But she didn’t have anyone, so she’d have to trust herself and maybe trust Luke as well.

She felt like she wanted to hold and kiss him. She’d taken to staring at his mouth when he wasn’t paying attention. She really wanted to kiss those lips, to do whatever came after. She wanted to wrap herself around Luke and keep him at the ranch forever. She didn’t know what the days to come held in store, but she was absolutely, positively sure she was beginning to love having Luke in her life.