HOT WATER, LASAGNA AND POPPIES

          Today, Sunday, I’m especially grateful for water that comes to my house, gets warmed up in the hot water tank and allows me to shower. The reason I’m especially grateful is that it’s going to be a two-shower day. I showered and shampooed first thing so I could go grocery shopping. Once back home, it was time to pick up after the dogs and get the garbage ready for pick up tomorrow.

          My neighborhood gets yard waste picked up every week and there wasn’t a lot in my tote. So, I decided I’d just go ahead and clean out the flowerbed that’s in the shade. My tote still isn’t completely full, but that one flowerbed is a lot tidier than it was and I am dripping with sweat. Have I ever mentioned just how much I hate to sweat…no?...well, it’s probably my least favorite thing in the world. So, before I get in bed tonight, it will be shower time again.

          My glass half-full program seems to be off to a great start. When I begin to see less in the glass, I remind myself to just knock it off and think of something that’s more uplifting and positive that the negatives that inhabit the days that are behind me. And, okay, it’s only been a couple of days, but I’m happy to have two in a row and will push for three and beyond.

          Something else I’m happy about is frozen lasagna. I love lasagna, but what an ordeal to make an entire pan. And, yes, I could make an entire pan and then cut it into pieces and freeze single helpings for future dinners. But, I can purchase a frozen lasagna that’s just the right size for me. Something like seven minutes, maybe more, and it’s hot and ready to go. I do add extra mozzarella to the top when it’s done and put it back in the microwave for another minute or so. That’s what’s for dinner tonight with a couple slices of leftover garlic bread I froze a few months ago…and a salad.

          In my garden, I have these gorgeous red poppies. Many years ago, on my walks to Lake Forest Park Towne Center, I would pass this woman’s garden. I admit I stole a couple of the poppy seed pods from her.  Every year they come up and have managed to seed themselves into almost every single flowerbed. And, it seems like every year, they get bigger with more flowers per stalk. When they’re done blooming, I cut the seed pod off and leave it to dry in an open container. Then, I shake the seeds out. I’ve given these seeds to lots of folks.

          Another time my friend, Claudia, and I were at some event, maybe the Lavender Festival. There were these gorgeous lavender poppies and, once again, I committed the crime of stealing a couple of seed pods. I haven’t had as much luck with the purple ones as I did with the red ones. I had a single plant one year and then nothing until last year. Then, I noticed some very small purple ones that apparently seeded themselves because I’ve more this year and one of them got rather big with more than one flower pod. I do seem to remember the ones I stole were more lavender than purple and bushier like the red ones. Maybe in time. It would be wonderful if the two colors seeded themselves way more and together. Imagine how lovely that would be.

          Well, I’ve cooled off now and the next episodes of “Heartland” are calling my name. I’ll get myself some iced tea, and continue rolling pennies while my television entertains.

GRATEFULNESS

             For a couple of days, I was fairly miserable and gave serious consideration to just quitting this blog. Then, I realized I was looking at it from the glass half empty view rather than the glass half full. So, I’ve adjusted my attitude because I’m the only one that can actually do that.

          A year ago this coming Christmas, at least I think it was a Christmas gift, a friend gave me a book about being grateful. There were 365 reasons or explanations for why I should be grateful, one for each day of the year. I faithfully followed this book and each and every night, I wrote down five reasons why I was thankful for that very day. It wasn’t all that difficult, although there were days when I had to really concentrate hard to find something for which I was grateful.

          Then, I knew someone who was having a very difficult time. She’d broken a bone and had to go to rehab with the idea that she might not be able to return home on her own. She’s also the kind of person who likes books like the one I was given, so I passed it on. I figured she needed it at that point much more than I did. Looking back, perhaps I should have hung on to it and used it to remind myself this week and during the past months about what I do have to be grateful for…NOW.

          I do not have the capability (damnit anyway) to go back and change a single thing that’s happened in my life. All I can do is let the hurtful memories go and be super thankful for the great ones that remain, and there are tons and tons of those. So, I need to adjust my gratefulness scale. I need to look around myself at all the things and people for whom I am most grateful. I need to take a few minutes at the end of each day, as I used to do, to write down five things that made me grateful that very day. Depending on what they are and how my writing goes, perhaps I’ll even share some of them with all of you.

          And, to get me started, for today, Saturday, I am grateful for:

1.     Rain for giving all my plants a drink without my having to be the waterer.

2.    My garden. Even though it rains, I can sit inside or on the deck under cover and enjoy the beauty that’s the result of my planting and care. There I also find peace and quiet as well as the sound of my water feature and birdsong.

3.    I’ve decided to be grateful for the crap-fest John left behind. It’s given me my granddaughter one day a week for the last couple of months. I so enjoy her delight in the various finds she’s made and lunch always tastes better when you share it with someone. Her organizational skills impress the absolute hell out of me.

4.    The ability to look at my life and choose what I want to cherish and what I want to simply forget or at the very least, to forgive.

5.   I started this post early in the day and now the end of the day has arrived. So, the final grateful for the day is for this blog. It helps me see things more clearly; and I’m very grateful for each and every one of you who take the time to read and comment.

TODAY...

I had a post all prepared, but I’ve decided not to publish it for now. So, I really don’t have anything to say. Perhaps today I’ll be able to corral my thoughts and send them through my fingers into some kind of post for tomorrow.

FROM HAPPY TO PISSED AND SORROWFUL

          Do you dream? Do you remember your dreams when you wake up? I’m asking because I do dream and I don’t always remember the dream. I had one Thursday morning and I’m not sure what it was really about because I can’t remember much. I do know that I woke up laughing. I got up to go to the bathroom and sitting on the toilet, I laughed and laughed and laughed. It was the kind of laughter that would have had other people joining me if I hadn’t been alone. I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to stop, but I eventually did. Back in bed, I went back to sleep, still giggling a bit and surely smiling.

          When I woke up again a couple of hours later, I could remember laughing so hard and practically being unable to stop, but I couldn’t remember much about what was happening in my dream. I know it had something to do with horses (probably because I’m watching “Heartland”), that the horse was pulling a wagon or sleigh, and there was mud or dirt. The conveyance stopped dead and the horses continued on. I wish I knew something else about the dream so I’d know why it I thought it was so funny that it made me laugh so hard for so long. I do know I woke up happy.

          I have a friend who almost always remembers her dreams in vivid detail, can identify the people who inhabit her dream, and sometimes has an orgasm depending on what she’s dreaming at the time. She doesn’t tell me much about those dreams…guess they’re private.

          For me, I hardly ever remember the dream or who was in it with me. I know I’ve had sexual dreams, but no orgasms that I can remember. Some people think you should keep a pad and pencil nearby so you can record your dreams as soon as you wake. That would work well if I could remember the dream when I wake up. It’s very unusual, in fact, I think this morning has been the only time in my life I’ve woke up laughing and kept laughing for a time. It was fun and I loved laughing like that and wished there were folks that could have joined me because it was the kind of laughter where you stop, look at someone and break down laughing again.

          And, who knows, but perhaps it was my body’s or brain’s way of relieving some of the angst I’ve felt the last few days. My reasons for the angst are in relation to my ability to complete my hour’s walk each morning. My need for a bathroom has cut my walk in half every morning this week. Plus, I have a sore spot on the bottom of my right foot. I have a tele-appointment with my doctor today, so perhaps she can provide some insight to my problems.

          It’s really really annoying to do everything right and proper for all the appropriate reasons and have my body sabotage my efforts. I mean, seriously, does it want to just sit and vegetate on the couch and have the grim reaper come calling a lot sooner than wanted? If that’s not the case, then why is my body not cooperating in my efforts to stay active and healthy? Perhaps the laughter from my unremembered dream this morning is my body’s way of saying sorry and releasing some of those happy endorphins I hear about? I loved the laughter and it made me feel wonderful, but an hour’s walk without having to cut it short or having my foot hurt with every other step would also make me feel good. Why can’t I have both???

          Then, my happy really took a beating. I was going through the last cigar boxes of John’s stamp stuff and found two things that were very upsetting. First, I found letters from some woman named Karen. She lived in California and their relationship began in 1973 or thereabouts when John was down there visiting people who I thought were friends to us both. Apparently not. Apparently they were only John’s friends because they assisted with the communications between John and Karen. Then, judging by the postmarks, this Karen and her family moved to Tennessee and the letters and phone calls continued. This was through the early 1990s. I had found other email communiques when I cleaned out the file cabinets, but nothing quite as blatant as this.

          The other surprise, except it wasn’t a total surprise were purchase orders from a Seattle firm for more than $20,000 in gold. Now, I knew John believed gold was a good investment and at some point, he finally told me about it and showed me what he had on hand. The surprise was that he began purchasing gold back in the mid- to late 1990s. And, just so no one thinks I have a pot of gold here, John apparently cashed it all in before he died because there hasn’t been a single piece of gold to be found anywhere in this house…I’ve looked and looked.

          Finally, I hope you have happy dreams and remember them. I hope your body cooperates with whatever you wish it to do. And, lastly, my advice to anyone reading this is to be upfront and communicate well about EVERYTHING before it’s too late. And, if you are having an affair and exchanging emails and/or snail mail, may I suggest you very carefully destroy it so the living partner doesn’t find out what an absolute fucker you were during the marriage.

ZIP, ZERO, ZILCH...

is exactly how much writing I accomplished yesterday. Haley came and we again went through a bunch of crap. In one box were the speakers from the first stereo system I ever purchased. There was another speaker that undoubtedly lived in some place like a restaurant or something else. And, wonder of wonder, and how horribly exciting, another entire box of cancelled stamps various folks had saved for John. Steve my stamp friend is going to have more fun in the not too distant future.

          So, apologies for such a short post that’s not very entertaining or informative. Maybe tomorrow’s will be better.

DUST

          Do you hate to dust? I absolutely hate to dust and you’d know that if you came to visit, if you could come to visit. If you did and looked around at all the crap, I mean important to me stuff, that sits around on every single available surface, you would think the highlight of my life would be dusting all those wonderful glass pieces so they’d sparkle and shine. You would think wrong.

          I’m not sure I understand how all this came about or if it’s just a factor of getting older. I remember my mom’s house was always pretty decent, but there were always a couple of areas as she aged that she simply didn’t clean or dust very often. They weren’t important areas like the kitchen counters or dining table, but I noticed and wondered at the time why she didn’t pay more attention.

          Well, now I think I know…I’m older and simply don’t care about the dust. It always comes back no matter what you find to dust with that’s supposed to make it so easy. I watch those Swiffer commercials and want to beat those “I’m so happy I dusted people.” about the head and shoulders with the other end of the Swiffer stick.

          I can think clear back to my first apartment, our first house and now this house and how I used to clean up a storm. You could, quite possibly, have eaten off my floors without getting some kind of disease or even dog hair in your food. You could gaze out my sparkling windows rain or shine and not have your view blocked by dirt. And, dust, oh my word, I dusted every single Saturday, every single thing in the house.

          Now, it’s just me, myself and I, plus the two doggies that have the run of this house (well the doggies don’t, I keep them out of the bathroom and bedrooms). You would think my cleaning habits from decades ago would kick in and I’d have a sparkling house from floor to ceiling. Well, I don’t.

Back when I could entertain, having family or friends over was a great excuse to drag out the vacuum, follow that with dusting and cleaning the floors. In the time since I’ve been sheltering in place, I’ve done very little major cleaning. My windows could use a good wash inside and outside. I could hire the man down the street who’s in that business. I could even save up and have the Molly Maids return for a thorough cleaning of every single room.

But, you know what? I simply don’t care if everything sparkles and shines. I do keep the big chunks picked up. I do clean the bathroom and kitchen regularly. I do vacuum every couple of weeks and clean the floors if the doggies have tracked mud all over. But, dusting, well it’s on my list and I’m sure that one day I’ll wake up energized and excited to drag out the dust cloths or Swiffer stuff to whisk the dust away until the next time everything looks extremely dull and well, dusty.

SORT OF OUT-OF-SORTS WITH SORTING

         Seriously, I love AJ and Haley, but their visits tend to leave me both on the verge of a major depression and unbelievably thankful they are so willing to come here and help me. They came on Monday and spent an hour or so pulling boxes out of the other side of the garage attic. Then, AJ showed me photos of what’s still up there and it’s just unfuckingbelievable!!!!

          Besides what you see in the photo, AJ’s truck was filled with old pieces of molding, other pieces of wood and old drapery rods and other kinds of metal pieces for who knows what. The wood will be cut down to firepit size (or garbage depending) and the metal rods recycled. AJ said he couldn’t believe the entire pile didn’t ever fall from the top of the cabinet where they were stored. All the door openings and shuttings should have sent it right down on someone’s head. And, let’s not forget the HUGE TV box from the last TV we bought about 10 years ago.

Haley will return on Wednesday to help me sort through all those new boxes (including the ones not photographed). As for the others still up there, son Thor is going to need to come at the same time as Haley and AJ so the remainder can be brought to ground. Then, please God, light a candle, rub Buddha’s belly, do a crap-fest dance, whatever will help bring all this wading through 50 plus years of crap to an end. 

While they were here Monday, they also managed to tip over the five-gallon glass water jar full of pennies without breaking the jar. Now, when Haley isn’t available, I can have a real fun time rolling all those damn things. And, actually, the bank will undoubtedly be happy to see me once they’re rolled because I just read in the paper yesterday there is a coin shortage…and I’ve probably got the market cornered on the pennies.