A GARDEN FULL OF MEMORIALS

         Memorial Day is just around the corner, but it’s not likely there will be any big parties or BBQs or any kind of celebratory gatherings. Just another example of how this coronavirus pandemic has changed our way of doing things. At least I don’t have to make a trip to a cemetery to visit John. All I have to do is go into the back yard and sit in a chair under the apple tree.

          This holiday and the fact John is under the apple tree with all the pets has made me wonder about my decision to sell the house. I’d intended to do that this summer until the pandemic changed my plans. Now, I’m wondering if that’s such a good decision. There are so many memories I’d be leaving behind and not just memories of John.

          Looking out the window, I can see John’s grandmother’s grape vine which has gone absolutely crazy in the last few years. It looks as though it plans to take over the entire greenbelt behind the fence. It’s only the last few years that the grapes have gotten big enough to actually enjoy. Haley picked buckets full a couple of years ago and I made grape jelly…won’t be doing that again. Still, I always think of Grandma Ebba and our times with her when I see the grapevine.

          There’s my Great Aunt Lola’s fuchsia. She’s been gone for a very long time, but her fuchsia grows and blooms every single year. She also gave me a pampas grass start, but I managed to kill it in the process of finding just the right spot in the garden. I moved it once too often. Auntie Lola’s also the woman who taught me to make pickles and can beans. My reminders of her would continue when it came to making pickles, but I’d miss the fuchsia.

          The tulip tree is past is blooming prime now, but it was a gift in honor of my mother after she passed away. I love the way it’s branches form and make it look like a giant candelabra when it blossoms in the spring. There’s also the pink dogwood, John’s sister gifted after my mom died…that’s in the front yard. And, yes, I’d still think of my mom without those living reminders, but I’d miss their beautiful glory in the spring.

          I cannot forget the apple tree. John and a neighbor saved it decades ago. It was so loaded with baby apples and grew leaning toward the west, that it fell over. I opened the garage door to hang laundry on my clothesline only to be faced with a wall of green. I called John at work and he told me to cover the roots. I did, and that evening he and a neighbor used a chain fall and a tree behind the fence to hoist it back into place. He shimmed it up with three four-by-fours until it was strong enough to stand on its own. We had dozens of apple pies and jars of applesauce from that tree. True, it hasn’t produced much in the recent past, but I can always hope.

          The lilacs in both the back yard and front came from either John’s mother or his sister or maybe both. They are my favorite smelly shrub and I love to bring a bouquet into the house when they bloom. There wasn’t much on the ones in back this year because they were pretty heavily pruned last fall. Next spring, they should be glorious.

          If I moved someplace else, I couldn’t replace the little water feature I built in the garden. I knew exactly what I wanted and John told me it would never work. I dug the hole, lined it with plastic, covered that with rocks and positioned the huge concrete birdbath John had given me at the edge. Being the good sport he was, he went ahead and made the piping I needed to get the water from the little pond up to the birdbath. When I placed it, I’d fixed it so it was tipping toward the water, the idea being the water could cascade over the edge and into the pond, making a nice water noise.

          Well, John was right, it didn’t work, but not for the reasons he gave. The water went up the pipe and into the birdbath, but instead of cascading into the pond, it simply ran over the edge and continued to flow down the outside of the birdbath and onto the supporting column…no water noise at all. To make it work, the birdbath would have had to be at such an angle, it would have fallen over. John was right about that part. He did help me figure out what I needed to do in the way of a small pump that sends water arcing from the edge to the center and provides the soothing noise I wanted.

          In the front yard, there are two trees. One is a spruce that was the live Christmas tree of the folks who lived in the house before us. It wasn’t that big when we moved in, but now it towers over the neighborhood. One winter, it snowed a lot and the power went down. That tree was strung with big Christmas lights. John ran a cord from the generator to the tree. We had neighbors calling to find out why we had power and they didn’t…very funny.

Spruce & pink dogwood

          The other tree is a red oak. It was given to me decades ago by someone who hasn’t been a friend in decades as well…and not because of the tree. Anyway, it had lived in a five-gallon bucket forever. I took it out and planted it in the corner with no idea of how big it would really become. For several years it did nothing, just sat there and John wanted to pull it out. I made him leave it and now, I have this HUGE red maple that I’m a little sorry I ever planted. The one year I did all the leaf control myself, I had like three yard-waste bins and seven of those beige yard waste bags full of leaves…what a CHORE.

          Then, there’s the companies that go out and prune big trees like the red maple for Seattle City Light. I’ve always tried to be home when they do this so I can sort of supervise and make sure they don’t absolutely butcher the tree. Sometimes the company folks were agreeable and helpful and other times…like the last time…not so much. I think come this fall I’m going to need to have my garden care person prune the side the last company didn’t touch…it’s very lopsided. I don’t think I’d miss the red maple at all, and probably not the spruce either were I to leave.  Who knows, maybe whoever came to live here would eliminate both of them.

          Of course, the most important thing I'd be leaving is John. He's beneath that apple tree where I can sit and talk to him. I do have the glass ball AJ had made from some of his ashes, so unlike all the trees and shrubs, I would take him with me wherever I went.

         They say…whoever they are…you shouldn’t make any big decisions until at least a year after your spouse dies. Maybe the pandemic is making sure I didn’t rush anything. Maybe the shelter-in-place order is insuring I do take the time to evaluate what I want to do next. I guess, based on what I’ve typed here, I’d be leaving more than just an empty house were I to move.

NANA'S HELPER

          When I wrote the post about Haley, there was one thing I mean to include. She sent me a text after the event saying, “Thank you for coming out today to support me! I’m really glad you got to be there for this. I love youuuuu and I bet Pa was right next to us there too.” The text was followed by an emoji with a halo, a big heart and a graduation cap.

          Her text warmed my heart as well as brought tears to my eyes. To know she thought of her Pa either before, during or after the event was delightful to know. It also made me miss him more than usual because I’m sure he would have been there. I know it would have been difficult for him, but we could have driven him to the site and he could have rested on a chair. It makes me sad to think of all the wonderful events he’s going to miss this year and in the coming years. I can certainly see why people like to think of their loved ones in heaven looking down.

          Today, (Thursday) she came over after school and we spent two hours in the garage sorting through Pa’s stuff. We now have more piles of stuff for her dad and  uncle to go through. More piles of screw drivers, hammers, drill bits, files, saw blades, staples and staple gun, more socket sets and another container of metal for recycling. There’s another box that has stuff Thor may or may not want.

          We got through the metal filing cabinet with the big drawers and moved on to the big red tool chest. There wasn’t a lot of room, so Haley squeezed in there and began going through the drawers. I was the runner, taking whatever she found and putting it on the appropriate pile. I believe I added over 2000 steps to my day’s total just doing that. At one point, I did hear her say, “Oh Pa,” and heave a little bit of a sigh because she was saddened at her Pa’s inability to be disciplined. I believe Haley is like her dad and me…she likes stuff, especially her tools, organized.

          We didn’t finish the red tool chest before she had to leave to meet her friend. We did talk about what’s next. Haley plans to come every Wednesday to help Nana sort through Pa’s stuff. And, Nana is most grateful for this wonderful young woman’s assistance. I love her enthusiasm about some of the stuff we’re finding, as well as her ability to say, “garbage,” whereas her Nana might just want to add it to another pile.

          We work well together, Ms. Haley and her Nana…yes, we do indeed.

HALEY AUTUMN KARLBERG...2020 GRADUATE

Haley, Just  Born

         When she was born, I was there. I didn’t expect to be because her mother said no one was going to be in the delivery room but her daddy. When I arrived at the hospital, I expected her to have already been born. Not the case, so I sat down to read my book and wait. The next thing I knew, her sister’s calling my name and telling me to hurry up or I’d miss it. Turns out Haley’s grandma and aunt were already in the room, so one more, moi, would be just fine. Haley Autumn was the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen. And, it was so special to be able to photograph Haley with her dad when she was only a few minutes old.

As Haley grew, I was blessed to be an important part of her life. John and I would go out for dinner and a movie at her house. I loved holding her, rocking her and watching her develop from a little baby to a toddler who walked at nine months. And, I loved buying girlie clothes and playing dress up. I’m so glad I enjoyed it while she was amenable because eventually, girlie clothes were replaced by jeans, shirts and hoodies.

Then, there was being allowed to babysit. That first night, Haley slept between John and I in our king-sized bed. The next morning, she was still sleeping when I woke up and looked across at John. I honestly think you could have held the love in our room in your hands. Such a special feeling to look at each other and know the little mite in the middle was descended from the two of us.

Haley’s parents went to the Bahamas when Haley was three. We stayed at her house and took care of her while they were gone. Even though she was big enough to climb out of her crib by herself, she’d fallen the first time she tried and was reluctant to try again. When she woke up, she’d call, “Naaaaanaaaaa, Naaaaanaaaa.”, until I got up and rescued her from her little jail. The three of us had such fun while mom and dad were gone.

When Haley climbed on the school bus for kindergarten, I was there. Watching those little feet climb those stairs into the bus almost brought me to tears. Was she afraid, did she hold back…nope, she was ready for school. I think that was the same year we began going to The Nutcracker every December. In addition, I would ask Haley if she would like to see a certain show or play and purchase tickets. Those were always such fun.

Haley as Macavity

We went to see Cats, while Haley was in elementary school. As a result, she decided to perform Macavity the Mystery Cat at that year’s talent show. I thought she’d be lip sinking, but she actually sang the song. Her costume and make up were marvelous thanks to her mother’s assistance. Nana was so proud of her that night because even in her old age, Nana could not have danced and sang in front of anyone, let alone an entire room of strangers.

As her school years passed, her parents always thought to include John and I, or just me if John wasn’t available. I attended swimming and gymnastic lessons, school plays and talent shows. We went to basketball games, orchestra concerts and just about anything we were invited to attend. And, of course, there were the birthdays each and every year.

Of course, I cannot forget our trip to Glacier National Park the year Haley was turning 16. She had passed all her driving tests, including a 100% on the driving part…have never known anyone to get a perfect score on the driving part; but, just another example of how exemplary this young woman was, is and will be. I’ll forever have those memories; and who knows, maybe at some point in the future we can travel together again.

Mom & Dad Gauntleters

          Tuesday, the 2020 graduates picked up their caps and gowns at Meadowdale High School…Cap and Gown Day. They had been encouraged to decorate their cars or trucks beforehand. Then, after getting the cap and gown, to drive over to Meadowdale Middle School and drive through a gauntlet of well-wishers. We, the gauntleters, clapped and cheered all the 2020 graduates who drove past us while we waited for our girls.

Destiny

Haley

Haley’s and her best friend Destiny’s trucks were exceptional, stupendous, and wonderfully remarkable as you can see in the photos. No other cars or trucks were quite so heavily decorated. Besides all the balloons and signs, Haley took her truck mudding before, so it may appear to be beige, but it’s really red. In addition, she and her dad installed a train horn in her truck last fall. Yes, a horn that sounds exactly like a train whistle. Did Haley blow her horn…you bet she did!!! Nana took a video and wishes she could include it here so you could hear how awesome that horn actually is. Her folks, neighbors and friends all held up signs, clapped and cheered Haley and Destiny as they drove past.

          Meadowdale graduation doesn’t actually happen until June 13^th, but no one knows exactly what that will be, as it has been and will be in so many important occasions like this one because of the pandemic. If there is some kind of event, you can bet Nana will be in attendance.

          Meanwhile, Haley knows exactly what she’ll be doing the next few years. She plans to graduate with a degree in Mechanical Engineering in 2023. She’s also taking welding and may or may not have a certificate for that. Then, in the fall of 2023, her plan is to go to Wyoming and take Diesel Tech at Wyo-Tech. There’s no doubt in Nana’s mind that Haley will achieve her future plans triumphantly.

          Now, go ahead and ask me if I’m proud of Ms. Haley Autumn Karlberg, graduate of the class of 2020!!!!

Haley & Nana

OUR BRAIN HEALTH

         Sunday morning, I was feeling very good and thinking that in a lot of ways, it’s nice to not have company, invited or drop by. That’s because I was looking around at what I would need to do if company were coming. Then, I read the April/May 2020 AARP Magazine, the one with Phil Donohue and Marlo Thomas on the cover. I’m not sure how close to me they are in age, but let me tell you, I think money definitely allows folks look younger.

          I believe this magazine went to press shortly before the pandemic was announced. There’s one page by the AARP CEO that informs subscribers about what AARP is doing on our behalf. It has an article by Dr. Sanjay Grupta about brain health and function, an excerpt from his new book due January 2021. It's titled, Keep Sharp: Build a Better Brain At Any Age. As part of that article there was a subset that said, “Do These 4 Things Every Day.” I’d like to address those 4 things here.

1.     Spend time with friends and family; engage your brain by discussing current events or new ideas. Considering we have the pandemic it is rather difficult to do this every single day. Yes, we can talk on the phone, text, email, or as I was able to do last Friday, entertain friends outside on the deck maintaining a safe distance. I also walk every day with a neighbor and we do talk about current events and new ideas, but let’s be honest here, current events and new ideas (drink bleach) tend to leave us a bit horrified as opposed to uplifted. CNN sends me an email every Saturday that contains GOOD news only…I love those. 

2.    Read or Write.  I do both of these on an almost daily basis. I actually think writing this blog has helped me tremendously with the pandemic and my thoughts and attitudes about being optimistic. And, I love fiction and am so grateful for my new I-pad so I can download as many books from the King County Library as I want. 

3.    Exercise, even if it’s just a brisk walk. I do this Monday-Friday every week, most days anyway. I begin with the physical therapy I learned when I had my shoulder surgery. It’s not just for my shoulder and my entire body looks forward to those child poses and back stretches. Then, as I mentioned above, I walk with a neighbor. I may not walk briskly for the entire hour, especially when my calves begin to tighten up and hurt a lot. But I power through until I can take a little one-two minute rest on a bench midway. So, I’m actually combining #1 and #3. 

4.    Practice a new skill, particularly something that involves creating with your hands. This could be gardening, playing an instrument or tying flies. Writing is not a new skill for me and neither is gardening, so would they count? I don’t know. I’m certainly not going to take up tying flies even though I have a surfeit of fishing tackle available. I can’t, right at this moment, think of a new skill to practice. Maybe something will come up that will allow me to do #4...like painting rocks??? 

There you have it readers, what is being recommended to help with your brain health. I know some of you have been sewing masks right and left and making them available to a wide variety of family, friends, or strangers for free. Sewing isn’t necessarily a new skill for most of you, but you’re all putting it to a new use. Others have volunteered to help feed or provide groceries to those who cannot get out. And, let’s not forget about all the people who are painting and leaving rocks all over, the jokes, riddles and happy messages chalked onto sidewalks and streets. I love those.

There will come a time, undoubtedly, when we can drop in on a friend, meet in a restaurant, take a class that’s not offered online, and do a number of things we’ve been unable to do since February. I’m really looking forward to being able to do those things and many others. I also think when that time comes I may have to learn a new skill or begin the practice of an old one…cleaning house.

MORE MEMORIES

         If our children read Saturday’s post, I’m sure they’re shaking their heads and saying, TMI, TMI, TMI, mom. That’s unfortunate, but it’s a fact John and I had sex before and after our children entered our lives. How else did they come to be if not. In fact, since there’s 10 years between the two, John and I had to practice a lot before Thor came to be.

More memories have surfaced since I wrote Saturday’s post. I remember John chasing me around and us ending up on the bed in our room. AJ would come to see what was going on and John would tell him we were wrestling. Of course, AJ would then want to join in and we welcomed him on to the bed. I believe we did the same kind of thing with Thor. And, don’t be misled here, we weren’t actually having sex, just having fun with our clothes on.

Then, there’s the memories of being together in my apartment. The long weekends…only two days, but they seemed so very long then. John would spend Friday night, we’d have breakfast and go back to bed. If we didn’t go to bed, the apartment came with a very comfortable sofa. I cannot remember how many weekends we spent on that couch under a blanket wrapped around each other.

That kind of weekend probably wouldn’t happen today because there’s television, smart phones and computers. Back then, in the dark ages, unless we listened to the radio which was just music, the only other option was to read. We had absolutely nothing to distract us from each other.

When I met John, he was driving a red Pontiac convertible. After we’d been dating a month, he put it in the garage so he could change out the rings or whatever. During the months…yes, months…it took to rehabilitate the Pontiac, he drove a 1951 Chevy coupe. One day we were having an argument about something. I was sitting on my side of the car instead of next to him (no seatbelts then either) when he got on the freeway at 45^th to go to Northgate to a friend’s house. When the car got up to speed, the hood suddenly flew up and smashed the window…it hadn’t been secured. Scared the crap out of both of us and we had glass pieces all over us. The laughter from being scared took care of whatever the argument was about.

That Chevy also had three bullet holes in the back window. John made up some story about getting shot at, about having a gun under the driver’s seat (he probably did), and I believed him, hook, line and sinker. Those bullet holes were actually decals. John even told me at one point that when he said, “Honestly.”, he was seriously telling the truth…another falsehood. Still, the stories he made up were, for the most part, entertaining.

The Pontiac hit the road by summer that year. This was back when people went out for Sunday drives (I miss those too.). We had such fun, and got sunburned, taking our Saturday and Sunday drives around Seattle and environs in that convertible . I remember John driving through Seward Park and Alki Beach. In fact, a few weeks before John died, we took a drive so we could go through the new tunnel on Hiway 99 (what a disappointment). We decided we’d just keep driving and crossed the bridge to go to Alki. WOW, it had been a couple of decades since we’d made that jaunt and neither of us could believe how much that area has been developed.

I was driving and made my way down what I think was Beach Drive. It was sunny and there were lots of people hanging out, plus there was some kind of an event happening on the beach. When I got around the corner, I expected the road to stop, because that’s what it had done the last time we’d been there. Now, the road continues and it’s a good thing John knows Seattle, because I had no idea which way I should go or where I was when we made it to Fauntleroy Way. I would have had to turn around and go back the way I came.

There are so many places we traveled on our drives. Even though the suburbs and towns like Monroe, Snohomish, Sedro Wolley, have grown and changed, when I drive those roads, there’s always something that I see that reminds me of a drive John and I took together. Even when a particular monument has disappeared, I still recognize the area.

I guess it shouldn’t surprise me since we spent so many years together, but at times it does. I’ll see something new or something gone and want to talk to John about it. There’s the new roundabout on 10^th Northeast, all the new apartment buildings going up on 155^th Street…so many changes I’ll not be sharing with him today or in the future. Still, as I stated in Saturday’s post, I have the memories.

A SPECIAL AFTERNOON

         Friday was a very special day. Twice before I’ve had a single person come visit and we’ve kept our distance on the deck. On Friday, my two bestest friends came to visit. We each separately ordered and paid for food from Briley’s BBQ. Claudia picked it up on her way here.

          After Friday morning’s walk, I picked up the house a bit, sanitized some areas (bathroom) and then moved to the deck. Earlier this week, I had cleaned the deck, so it looked terrific. Only the table looked horrible. It was covered with pollen and dust. I sprayed and cleaned and sprayed and cleaned until it sparkled…well, not exactly since I couldn’t clean the underside of the glass, but it was clean on top.

          All by myself, I moved the table to where I wanted it on the deck. Then I moved the really heavy umbrella stand beneath. Finally, I took the umbrella out of its cover and managed to slot it into the hole without breaking the glass. Sometimes I amaze myself.

          Then, I placed three chairs around the table at a distance from each other. The one on the end would be for Maryanne since she loves to be in the sun. I have to be in the shade, and Claudia’s shaved her head, so she needed shade as well. At various times both Claudia and I moved, keeping our distance, to stay out of direct sunlight.

          Our lunches were delicious. I think we all had pork in some form. I had collard greens and they had French fries. Claudia had her single beer, Maryanne brought ice tea and had a refill out of my fridge. I had an iced coffee and water.

          Even better than the food though, was the company. To be able to sit together after such a long time talking about this and that, contemplate solving the world’s problems, bringing each other up to date on our family members, remembering previous times and other folks we know and sharing laughter. It felt so good and so right.

          Being able to do this Friday was, at least for me, like getting a shot of happiness. I’ve missed those women. Sure, we’ve talked, texted and emailed, but there’s nothing like being able to see each other’s faces, watch our mouths widen in smiles, and open with laughter.  Hopefully, we’ll be able to do this again…and maybe expand our group to include more women whom I miss as well.

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES!!!

Yesterday’s post had to do with hugs and skin to skin contact. It made me think about my physical relationship with John. And, in some previous post, I believe I intimated I would write about my sex life with him. This may be that post. John and I were both extremely fortunate that we both liked making love, having sex A LOT!!! In fact, you’ve undoubtedly read about our instant attraction to each other. That’s something that never went completely away throughout our entire relationship.

I remember as if it were yesterday (and I wish it was), kissing and kissing and kissing and wanting to get as close as I possibly could to John. I don’t think I am the least bit mistaken, but I believe he felt exactly the same way.

Neither one of us had a vast amount of experience in the making love department. Our first time together was two weeks to the day after we met. (I was such a slut, but just for John.) It was at his house, in his bed because I lived with my parents. His mom wasn’t home. Our making love didn’t start out with shooting stars, the earth shaking, or any of those descriptions you read about in those romance novels. It was good, but it definitely wasn’t perfect. I believe the first time is never that way. I think you have to get to know each other and each other’s bodies for it to even begin approaching perfect, i.e.,  simultaneous orgasms and the aftermath of those.

The getting to know is really fun and takes a lot of practice…practice in which we were happy and eager to engage. We practiced on blankets in a number of Seattle’s public parks. I remember one night at Lincoln Park we crawled beneath a tree with branches down to the ground that was adjacent the pathway. It was all we could do to be silent and not laugh uproariously when people went by…especially after our practice was complete. We practiced at John’s house when his mother was gone. We practiced in his car…Lord, but we were lithe and limber back in those days. We practiced at my house on the rare occasions the entire family went off somewhere. Now and then, John even sprung for a night in a motel…that was the best because we could wake up together!!!

I know there are undoubtedly women in the world who have never had an orgasm. I know there are women in the world who do not like sex. I am so incredibly thankful I am not one of them. I also feel very sorry these women are missing out on the very best a relationship has to offer when it comes to physical activity (in my opinion). And, yes, there are other best parts…love, comfort, companionship…but for John and I, it was our wonderful physical relationship that carried us through hard times in our marriage.

We never had a copy of One Thousand and One Arabian Nights or the Kama Sutra, but were I to obtain a copy of one or the other or both, I’m sure there wouldn’t be many examples in there of what we didn’t try. Nothing was out of bounds in our efforts to please each other. And, the best of times was after making love, after orgasming together, when we’d lay there and giggle and laugh for no reason other than we felt so incredible. Just typing that brought a smile to my face…those times were amazing and fortunately for the two of us frequent.

Of course, there were instances when I wasn’t exactly eager but participated anyway, just for the closeness. It wasn’t perfect with synchronized orgasms every single time we made love, but it was an important part of our lives. I miss it a lot.

Even before John died, our sex life had diminished. Illness and medications have an effect on the human body and so it was with us. There was also the fact our relationship wasn’t the best it could have been, and that had an effect as well. Feeling as I do now, I seriously wish I could go back for a do-over. Damn the medication effects, we could still have great sex, maybe not the way we had 10 or 20 years before, but it was satisfying. I’d say yes and be the aggressor a lot more often than I did during those years. I think that old saying about not missing something until it’s gone is very true.

When I think about making love, our sex life today, I’m of two minds. I am so very thankful I had this wonderful man who knew my body so well, and was so eager to please, he could bring me to orgasm almost every single time. It was the absolute best and I’m grateful for all those wonderful memories, especially the laughter and closeness, of how we were together. I will always have those to succor me.

The comfort from those memories is double-edged however. They make me feel good, but they also make me feel bad because I miss John, I miss making love, the closeness, lying beside him after, going to sleep in his arms. I wonder sometimes if our sexual relationship had been more ho-hum, more of a duty on my part, more of a wham-bam, thank you mam on his part if I’d be feeling this way today.

But it wasn’t and I do miss John, his smile, laughter, kisses, his hands on my body, his voice in my ear, my hands on him, the completeness of our relationship in our bed together. I am extraordinarily thankful our attraction and desire for each other lasted for so many decades.

Typing that last paragraph, the words to that old Bob Hope song, leaped into my head…”Thanks For the Memories.”  I do indeed thank John for creating so many wonderful memories with me, and not just about making love, but memories from our entire lives. I am forever exceedingly grateful for each and every one.