WALKER WARS OR HEY MARK BURNETT/JEFF PROBST CHECK THIS OUT

         The following is something I wrote about six years ago. It’s not exactly as I wrote it then. I’ve updated it to be more current, although it’s highly unlikely any of us could resort to something like this during the pandemic.  

No matter what happens, I generally try to find humor in most situations. Over the last six years, I’ve had two total hip replacements and a shoulder repair. John was my caretaker for the hip replacements, but not so much for the shoulder repair which took far longer to heal. It was fortunate my surgeon didn’t see or meet John or I might have been sent to a rehab facility. It’s not likely the surgeon would have wanted me to have a caretaker that had been using a walker in the house for more than a year. That’s not to say John couldn’t get around because he could…slowly but his walker makes him appear less capable.
         

 I didn’t have a choice about using a walker after the hip replacements, and brought my own home from the hospital. Our house is conducive to walker use except for a couple of places. One day, as I rounded the door jamb into the kitchen, John was poised to enter the kitchen from the other end. I exclaimed,

          “Oh no, we’re going to crash.” And laughed. John wasn’t amused.

A day or so later, I came out of the bedroom into the hallway just as John prepared to come down the hallway. I squared my walker off, twisted my hands on the handles and made motorcycle sounds. I coined the term Walker War, and again, John was not amused.

During a phone conversation with our son, I told him about our Walker War and elaborated on how there should be a reality show called Walker Wars. My son was also not amused…where were their senses of humor. 

Following that conversation which had me laughing until my eyes teared, I gave the Walker Wars idea even more thought and think it could be a reality show gem. I mean really. Back then (and maybe now) people actually watched the Kardashians, some other show about extreme cheapskates, Tiger King, and a wide variety of others where the commercials for them make me wonder, “Who the hell watches that stuff?” How could my Walker Wars program possibly fail?

Here’s my concept for when our lives return to normal. Nursing homes/skilled facilities/retirement homes around the country could vie for a spot on the show. The contests could be held either in the homes or at some nearby facility that would be conducive to this program. Winners of regional contests would move to state and the winner there to nationals. The national winners would receive a million dollar renovation for their home or some kind of reward that would benefit the residents.

Can’t you picture a wide hall in one of those homes, both sides crowded with wheelchair bound residents and the spry contestants at one end with their walkers all gussied up. In fact, that could be a separate contest which could include walker users that don’t wish to compete in the war. There are people who really like to fancy up their walkers, so there could be prizes for the most beautiful, disguised or decorative walker…how fun would that be?

Back to Walker Wars. The MC, (ala Jeff Probst) would be stationed on a small slightly raised platform in the middle of the hallway, maybe in a doorway. He begins by raising the crowd’s excitement level, identifying the contestants and providing some background for each. Then, it’s time. The MC says,

            “Walkers ready?” and following a brief pause, shouts “GO!!!!!”

Immediately, the walkers at the end of the hall begin to move forward. The MC encourages and provides commentary:

          “Look at #5, already ahead of the pack. Oh, #11, you’re going to have to pick it up if you want to stay in the game.  Oh no, looks like Walker #8 has fallen and can’t get up…staff are rushing to the rescue. It’s #5 and #14 at the midway point. Who’s going to make it to the end first? You better increase your steps #14 or #5 is going to get there first.”

The commentary can continue in this vein until one of the walkers reaches the other end of the hall. Imagine the excitement which could include heart attacks, strokes and who knows what other problems all these thrills might bring to the residents and participants. Most likely the greatest exhilaration anyone living there has had in a very long time. I’d be willing to bet the majority of the residents would absolutely love to participate in such an experience.  I know I would if I were there.

So, that’s my idea for a reality show that anyone of a certain age could really get behind. For that matter, it could appeal to the younger generations as well, sort of an encouragement program to show them how to age well. I’m sure the majority of us would much rather watch something like this than something called Tiger King or Growing up Hip-Hop or the Kardashians. 

Wonder if Mark or Jeff will catch this and make it a reality. I know I’d tune in every single week to watch my contemporaries duke it out with their walkers…hell, I’d even join them with the most customized walker ever when the time came. How about you???

AUTHORS' IMAGININGS NOW REALITY

        Earlier this week, I did something I’ve never done before. I went to an author’s website and left a message. The author was Stephen King and the message had to do with his book, THE STAND. It was first published in 1978. I copied and pasted a short summary: 

The plot centers on a pandemic of a weaponized strain of influenza that kills almost the entire world population. The few survivors, united in groups, establish a new social system and engage in confrontation with each other. In writing the book, King sought to create an epic in the spirit of The Lord of the Rings that was set in contemporary America. 

As with many of the books Mr. King has written, I loved THE STAND. Subsequently, the book was reissued in 1990 with an additional 150 pages that had been deleted from the original. I read it again.

The reason I sent Mr. King a message, although I don’t know if he’ll actually ever read it because his web person takes care of the site, is because there hasn’t been a day for more than a month now that I haven’t thought about this book. What’s happening these days is exactly what happened in his book, although his virus originated in New Mexico or Arizona rather than China. But, it did go worldwide as the Coronavirus has.

His book concerned survivors, both good and bad people, who lived in the United States. There was no internet or major news sources or daily updates about what was going on. In some ways, I think I’d prefer to be living in King’s book. What the positive or good survivors had going for them was a dream they kept having about a woman in Colorado. They absolutely had to travel there. Thanks to my computer, television and phone, if I’m going to have any dreams, they’re going to be nightmares.

I know there have been other books and movies about a variety of viruses or diseases that decimate the population. In fact, I just used the internet to look up books with this theme. I found a list of 152 and recognized some that I’d read during my lifetime. THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN, THE HOT VIRUS, OUTBREAK, THE MAZE RUNNER, THE PLAGUE are all books about society being affected by something like coronavirus. Albert Camus’ THE PLAGUE was published in 1947, and there may be books that a were published even earlier with this topic. A number of these books have been made into movies.

          In thinking about the authors of all these books, I wonder what they think or feel to see this kind of a pandemic affecting the entire world. They were using their imaginations to create a different take on the world. I enjoyed reading what they imagined and never believed that I’d actually live during a time those imaginings became my reality.

          Instead of another interview with some talking head or another press conference by our “fearless leader,” I wish some enterprising reporter would contact Stephen King or Robin Cook, or Michael Crichton or James Dashner and interview them about how they feel seeing their imaginations brought to life. I actually don’t know who is and isn’t alive in the names I just typed (except for King), but out of a 152 books there has to be more authors than King that are alive.

          Meanwhile, I think I’ll save that list and see if the library can provide me with ebook copies of ones that sound interesting. Perhaps if I read another person’s imaginings, I can pretend or forget that I’m currently living the real thing…at least for a little while.

UPDATES

        

Hunter & Trophy

RAT UPDATE – We caught the rat in the have-a-hart trap Tuesday night. He pretty much ignored it until after dark. When I went out to lock the chicken up, both Karma and Kaizer were fascinated by the rat in the trap. It made me wonder if their rat terrier DNA had surged to the forefront when they could actually see him. I also didn’t realize rats made noise, but apparently K&K terrified him and he sort of screamed…not loudly, but I could hear him.

          He was still there Wednesday morning, so AJ and Haley came back over to take care of him. AJ dispatched him and Haley took the photo you see here of the big hunter. In addition, AJ and Haley went around the yard with a shovel and cleaned up after K&K. I just did it Sunday afternoon and it’s only Wednesday afternoon, but I swear those dogs poop every single time they go outside. It doesn’t surprise me about Kaizer because he’s a little fat pig. Karma is very picky about her food and I worry sometimes that she’s not getting enough. If I don’t watch, Kaizer sneaks over to her dish and finishes it off before I can pick it up.

          So, the rat has been expeditiously sent on its way to that big rat heaven wherever it’s located. Now, if only the squirrels and birds come to help Mabel eat her chicken food, that will be a very good thing.

          FOOD UPDATE – I believe Wednesday’s post told you I had takeout from Briley’s BBQ on Tuesday. For Wednesday, I went online and ordered from MOD Pizza. I had a Caesar salad as I think I indicated I planned to do as well as pizza with my favorite toppings. Unfortunately, they didn’t understand that I wanted additional mozzarella on top once they’d finished adding the toppings. I missed that, but it was still very tasty. I had it for linner, but could only eat half, so I finished it off before I went to bed later that night.

          Thursday, (yesterday) I decided to cook for myself since I had a salad I’d already made, some potatoes I could cut up and mix with onion, garlic and a bit of taco seasoning and bake in the little oven. Today (Friday), I’ll need to go to the grocery store, but I’ll put it off until after noon and then pick up either Thai or Panera.

          HOUSE CLEANING UPDATE – I know, who really cares about this, but I did finally finish cleaning the bathroom. It only took me most of this week, so it’s probably time to start over in there. In any case, I removed all the glass, ran it through the dishwasher, cleaned the windows and mirrors, replaced glass, vacuumed and then, oh my Lord, I washed the floor on my hands and knees, so it’s really clean and sparkles. (By the way, that's how I actually dress when I'm cleaning!!!)

          I figure if I take one room a week and clean from the ceiling to the floor, eventually, I’ll have everything super clean inside. On the other hand, the weather forecast calls for temps in the 60s beginning next Tuesday, so I just may have to forego any further cleaning until the weather sucks again. I really want to be outside in warm sunshine.

          Finally, at the beginning of the week, everyone on Good Morning America was talking about the show Tiger King on Netflix. I watched a few episodes Wednesday night, and was left wondering who these people are and why we would want to watch their antics. The animal rights activist doesn’t seem to be any better than the Tiger King who breeds big cats and then sells the right to play with the kittens. As a former zoo employee, both of them raised my hackles and I would love to see one of those big cats turn and show them who’s actually boss. I’d also like to smack those folks who pay for the right to have their pictures taken with the kittens and the right to play with them.

          Anyway, I’m sure there are people who love these kinds of shows and watch them faithfully, but I don’t believe I’ll watch any further episodes. There’s a lot of truth to that old saw, “It takes all kinds.”

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

         Yesterday was April 1, April Fool’s Day. I wonder how many people made crank calls to various places, i.e., zoos looking for Hairy Lion, Mr. Bear, Ms. Elle Font, Mr. G. Raff, Ms. Sally Mander. Probably not many since I believe they’ve decreased over the years as the phone systems became more automated. I do remember how we used to get hundreds of phone calls asking for those crank names. 

          Amazingly, some people got really angry and yelled at the poor receptionist. Others were good sports and laughed and if they knew who had pulled the April Fool, they’d vow to get him/her back.

          For the first time ever, I didn’t have anyone to prank or anyone to prank me. It was kinda strange. John always managed to get the kids when they were growing up. The last few years, if I wasn’t paying attention, he’d manage to prank me about something. Most of the time it was good for a laugh.

          Actually, I had planned to write something more relevant to what I’ve been doing for yesterday’s post, but I lost track of the day/time. John could have gotten me good yesterday. Anyway, I have now written and posted something every day of 2020, that’s three (3) entire months. And, since this is being posted on April 2, I’m already into the second quarter. I find myself amazed at how faithful I’ve been with this process.

          Sometimes, I don’t feel that I have anything to write and post about. Or, I feel like I should be writing about being a widow. It seems as though the various things I choose to write about are all a big jumble, with no thread that’s woven through. One day it’s John and I dating, another, it’s our honeymoon, another it’s the rat in the backyard. It’s not like I set out to write what you’re reading, it’s more like I sit at the keyboard and it flows from my fingers.

          There are times when I’m not near the keyboard, or I’m half asleep and something will pop into my head. By the time I sit down, all my fingers have to do is translate. I also find this therapeutic, especially since we’re all now sheltering in place. Writing has helped me focus, stay sane, be upbeat (who wants to read a lot of negativity or whining), think about not only tomorrow, but tomorrows past as well as today.

          I also love reading the comments you wonderful readers leave me. That’s a huge benefit to doing this. If I have been negative, felt down, been whiny, you reassure me that life’s going to get better, be better, that while I’m home alone, I still have all of you out there. You all reinforce the fact some of the feelings I have are perfectly normal. That’s very helpful, especially since every single day is a new day in a new reality for me.

          So, thank you all for reading my posts, for making comments, for being my friends and neighbors, for providing love and support. I swear that once we can stop this sheltering, I’m going to put on some kind of big bash just so I can greet you, hug you, kiss you; and hopefully, make you feel as good as you make me feel with the sustenance and encouragement you provide with your comments.  

FOOD, FOOD, FOOD...SAVE 5/5

         John would have loved the dinner I made last night. Chicken-fried elk steak, baby potatoes and gravy. He wouldn’t have liked the veggies I made for myself, so he probably would have had green beans out of a can instead. I have to admit my dinner was very yummy.

          I bought the elk steak from Double DD Meats in Mountlake Terrace. They have various kinds of meat in the freezer section and elk is one of those. The first time I had elk was at my friend Dianne’s. She made it just like I made it last night and it was very good. I wasn’t sure I’d like it but found it very tasty. Dianne’s husband and the men in her family always went hunting, so I could pretty much count on having elk at least once a year. Not any more because I don’t think anyone hunts these days.

          I tried to buy some elk when John was alive, but Double DD doesn’t always carry it. You need to get there toward the end of hunting season if you want to purchase elk, venison or other types of game meat. I bought this elk a few months ago and it’s been in the freezer. There also used to be a place on Aurora Avenue that sold various kinds of game meat. I never shopped there, but understood they had some very exotic kinds.

          When we went to Kenya in 2001, one of the people in the tour group had to make a special trip out to the Carnivore Restaurant. She wanted to purchase a t-shirt. I just looked the restaurant up on the internet and there was one review that said they no longer serve wild game except for ostrich and crocodile.

          I’m willing to try almost anything at least once, provided I can spit it out into a napkin if the texture or taste is nasty. Just this morning, I made a type of monkey bread as a treat for AJ when he came over. He ate it with gusto, but I spit mine out…twice!!!...it was like eating uncooked dough. The recipe called for two tubes of biscuits. I didn’t have those, but I did have Rhodes frozen rolls and thought those would work even better. They’re what I use for the monkey bread I make at Christmas. The rolls were from December, so perhaps they go bad in the freezer, or perhaps they weren’t thawed enough. They certainly didn’t rise the way the ones at Christmas did. Ah well, momma tried.

          AJ was here to deal with the rat. He decided not to bring his gun because all the neighbors would undoubtedly get excited at hearing his 22 fire. Instead, he brought a couple of traps and dug out John’s have-a-hart trap. We set it up with some peanut butter crackers. Initially, it didn’t appear as though the rat was going to show. I chased Mabel away because she was sitting there guarding her food. The squirrel came immediately, but no rat. It took about half an hour or more before I looked out there and saw the rat running from the chicken food pile to wherever his burrow is located. Of course, AJ, after sitting and watching for over an hour, had just gone out in front. Lucky for him, it was still making its trips back and forth when he came back inside. So, we moved the trap; but so far, the rat's only come back to where I put the chicken food.

Then, I got out John’s pellet gun and gave it to AJ. Apparently, it doesn’t work the way it should so he ordered himself an air rifle. He’d planned on getting one before he got his daughter fired from the sports store that employed her. Now he has to pay full price. I also went into the garage and found the two Daisy Powerline 1200 guns. I didn’t know what they were, and AJ said he’d tried messing around with them before and couldn’t figure them out.

Mine is a gun

Well, AJ’s momma ain't no dummy…she went on line to look up the Daisy and found a tutorial on You-Tube. She now knows they are BB guns and learned how to replace the CO2 cartridge, cock it and fill it with BBs. Isn’t that great!! Wonder if I can order the BBs and CO2 cartridges on line. Such excitement at the Karlberg house…the fun just never ends.

AJ and Haley went home and I called John’s sister to see if I could drop off Haley’s Lion’s Club scholarship application. Since she and Gordy are in fragile health, I Prelled myself up one side and down the other before I took the paperwork into the house. I didn’t go beyond the front door so we maintained more of an 8-10 foot distance, but the safer the better.

On the way home, I stopped at Briley’s BBQ and got myself a pork sandwich, collard greens and veggies to go. Oh my, the veggies were terrific…sweet potatoes, onions, brussel sprouts all cooked together and topped with parmesan cheese. I already knew the sandwich and collard greens would be good because I’d had them before. I didn’t eat the collard greens and have enough pork left to have it for dinner.

I’ve been wondering how much money I‘d spend if I ordered to go dinners for a week. I know the various restaurants in my area would appreciate the business, but would my budget suffer? I believe I’m going to check it out. Tomorrow, I think I’ll order from MOD pizza…Caesar salad and a pizza with all the things on it I like. I also think I’d like to try Briley’s ribs. I’ve never had them and they’re a bit more spendy, but might be worth it just to get some more of those veggies.

What about you guys? Are y’all staying home and cooking for yourselves…and your spouse/partner if you have one? Are you spending more at the grocery store since you aren’t eating out? It seems to me that I am spending more when I shop. Do you have any secrets to share, restaurants you like, really good recipes to share? I do love my food, but even more, I love the company I used to have when I shoveled it into my mouth. I sure hope by May 1…make that May 5…we can all get together for some good Mexican food and Tequila (I’ll stick with gin since Tequila upsets my tummy.). For now, mark your calendars and keep your fingers crossed, rub Buddha’s belly, light some candles, and stay positive about that date!!!!

ODDS AND ENDS...MAYBE MIDDLES

         I’m sitting here at the computer trying to think of something to write about that won’t sound whiny or negative or insane and not having a lot of luck. I really want to whine about simply EVERYTHING!!! Are you feeling that way too? Are you becoming concerned for your sanity yet?

          That’s not going to happen though. Who needs to read whiny or negative stuff when all you have to do is turn on the news, head to the internet, or open a newspaper. It’s all there, just waiting for you to dive in. So, I guess I’ll just write about stuff my fingers tap out on the keyboard.

          I did get up this morning and do my physical therapy. I also walked with my neighbor. We kept our distance, not exactly six feet, but no touching, no coughing, no spitting. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to make the whole hour after having an entire week off, but I actually did. Good for me, good for us. We’re going to do it again tomorrow.

          Last week, I wrote about the rat(s) that have taken to coming and getting the chicken’s food. I have since found one dead one, but there’s another one that’s out there practically all day long. He even chases the squirrels away. I would have thought the squirrel would chase the rat. I’m putting out less food. Periodically, Mabel, the chicken will go over and sit by her food to keep the rat away, but as soon as she meanders off to do something else, the rat is right back. Now there’s a crow back there…why doesn’t he take after the rat.

          A friend called last week and talked to me about the rat problem. I had put some poison down the rat/mole holes, but after my friend explained just how the rats die from the poison, I don’t feel good about eliminating them that way. I also don’t want my resident owls to find a poisoned one and have it for dinner. So, I called AJ to see if he could remember what we did with all the rat traps John had gathered over time. He still has a couple of them, but he’s going to come over tomorrow morning and shoot that rat. I wonder if another one will take its place?

          The dogs were just released into the back yard with me saying, “Crow, crow.” They ran out there and chased away the crow. The vet calls them rat terriers, but they must have lost some of that DNA along the way. Rat terriers were used in the early 1900s to protect homes and farms from rodents. The White House was suffering from a rat infestation when President Theodore Roosevelt and his family moved in. The rats had learned to avoid traps and poison that had been set out to get rid of them. President Roosevelt brought in rat terriers and they solved the problem. If my doggies’ DNA held true, there wouldn’t be any moles or rats in the back yard…they’d get rid of them. Instead, they ignore everything but the squirrels and the crows. Those they bark at and chase.

          I’ve let the dogs back in and am waiting to see how long it takes before the rat returns. While the dogs don’t chase it, they do run right by the food, so the rat stays away. Right now there’s some small birds pecking away at the seed. It took a while for the rat to return, so a couple of squirrels, some little birds and Mabel all got a chance to eat. Mabel would have anyway because she won’t let the rat get close. I think I said I’m putting less food out, but maybe I need to restrict it further.

          I think we all love to see the sun shining. It would be good to go outside and work in the garden, but the wind is blowing very hard and it’s very very cold. Not only that, but the ground in my garden is sodden. It’s easy to weed when the ground is wet, but when it’s soaked as badly as mine is, I have to either put too much mud into the yard waste or shake the weed really hard to keep the mud in the garden. And, now, the sun has surrendered to the clouds and it’s raining. Bah!!!

          Supposedly, the remainder of this week is going to be wet and windy. I looked ahead through 4/13 just a couple of days ago and it showed temperatures in the 60s. Today, it shows rain, more rain and more rain with the best high at 54 degrees. Where or where is spring? The rodent indicated we’d have an early spring, but I’m beginning to think he was wrong.

          Choices, I have many choices as to what I can now do with my time. I can go clean the bathroom, vacuum, dust, watch television, read, sew or continue trying to catalog the remainder of the stuff in John’s room. None of these have any sort of appeal. I’ve been reading a lot on my new I-pad, as well as playing a game I used to play until my old I-pad wouldn’t sustain it any longer. What a time-waster that is.

          Well, I don’t think I’ve dwelled on anything that’s too horribly negative. I also think I haven’t exactly whined. I do have to admit, however, that being alone as we all mostly are even if we have spouses and/or kids, there’s not a lot to write about when you cannot get out and about. Obviously, I wrote this just so I’d have something to post for day 91. Hopefully, I’ve entertained you just a bit so you’ll keep coming back. I’m sure I’ll find my muse or something more interesting to write about…especially if I get up off my ass and do something…anything!!! Until tomorrow, stay safe, stay healthy and stay sane.

PHOTOS OF ME, THEN AND NOW

1960

        Going back through photos from 50 years ago or so as I’ve been doing, I find myself wondering why I thought I was so unattractive and/or fat way back then. Do you ever look at photos of yourself from long ago and think the same thing? What a lot of time and energy wasted on wishing and wanting to be more beautiful and weigh less. That doesn’t even take into account the money spent on having my hair cut, colored, permed, teased and twisted into whatever style was a hit at the moment. It also doesn’t account for the amount of money spent on skin and makeup products as well as clothes.

          I look at those old pictures and can’t believe I didn’t like how I looked at the time. Of course, back then my self-esteem wasn’t all that great or very large at all. For most of my life, no matter the façade I presented to the world, I believed most people/family didn’t like me or found me wanting in some way. I think it’s only been the last 25 years or less where I came to believe I was strong, smart, attractive and capable of doing just about anything I wanted to do.

          Actually, it may be only the last 20 years, after my bout with breast cancer. The diagnosis was terrifying, but I was reassured that removal of the diseased tissue and a bit of radiation would probably do the trick. The fact they did the biopsy on Tuesday, called me with the results on Wednesday and had surgery scheduled for the following Tuesday added to the terror. I thought it couldn’t get any worse until John and I met with the oncologist after the surgery.

1968

          At that meeting we were told the type of cancer I had was very aggressive, that more than one-third of the cancer cells were replicating at any one time. Even though the surgical edges were clean, if they missed one single cancer cell…well, it wouldn’t be good. Their suggested course of action was eight chemotherapy treatments, one every three weeks, followed by a month of radiation to that breast and five years of Tamoxifen. Easy-peasy, no problemo, I/we could do that.

          I don’t know just when or how it happened, but some where in there, I decided I was done worrying about my appearance or what people thought of me. I was 54 then, so don’t you think it was about damn time!!! At one time or another, people would remark on what a great attitude I had about my diagnosis and treatment. I always thought those remarks were ridiculous. What kind of an attitude did they think I was supposed to have? I know some people do, but I couldn’t imagine being horribly depressed or looking at my life as though it was going to come to a horrible end. I needed to keep on keeping on and it was best done in a positive manner, head held high and thoughts upbeat and futuristic.

          Now that’s not to say I didn’t have pity parties. Who wouldn’t and I definitely did, but I kept them private, small and short. Once the tears were dried, it was on to resuming a positive outlook. I also decided at that time to eliminate negative people from my life. True, there were some I couldn’t ignore, but I could choose to ignore as much of their negativity as possible.

          For those ten months John was my caregiver, comforter, uplifter, go to person when it came to the hard times. He went with me to every single doctor appointment, was there for the surgery, the chemo appointments and would have driven me every single day to radiation if I had allowed that. I didn’t allow it because I could go on my lunch hour, eat my lunch on the way there and back, park, go inside, remove my top, get zapped, get dressed and be back to work on time.

          John also did his best to make me feel good about how I looked. I gained 20 pounds during treatment, but he never alluded to the fact there was a lot more of me to love, especially around my middle.  John was also a breast man. I knew one woman who’d had to have a double mastectomy and her partner left her…what a horrible man. John took my changed breast in stride. The one reduced in size from tissue removal he began calling, “the cute one.” The one that remained the same was, “the big one.” I don’t think I ever thanked him for his understanding and support.

1982

          In any case, since then I haven’t spent a lot of time worrying about what people think about me or how I look. Sure, when I lost those 20 pounds I’d gained, it felt good, but I only lost the weight because my doctor told me I was a Type II diabetic and gave me time to change my already good eating and exercise habits to see if the numbers would change. They didn’t. I’m insulin resistant.

          I also decided to stop coloring my hair. Yes, I had high hopes it would turn the lovely silver/white that my mother’s did, that my brother and sister got, but it doesn’t matter that it hasn’t. I decided to stop wearing makeup or spending a small fortune on creams that were always supposed to reduce the wrinkles. I still use lotion since I have really dry skin; and it itches if I don’t, but it’s not because I think it will make me beautiful.

          When I retired, I gave away boxes and boxes of clothes I knew I would no longer wear; and okay, it was partially because they were too big as well. I gave up wearing a bra with underwire because it was uncomfortable. Now I wear tank tops with A shelf bra. I wear mostly sweat pants, sweatshirts and jeans. It’s what’s most comfy and I feel good dressed that way.

1994

          Today when I look at photographs of me, I look for the joy and happiness in my face and maybe that’s what I missed all those years in those old photos. Recent pictures with my grandchildren, children, the manta ray, and dolphin all reflect how I’m feeling. Today, when I look in the mirror, I see the wrinkles, gray hair and tummy pooch, but it’s just fine. I feel beautiful inside and outside in my very own special way. I'm just sorry I didn't know to look for the joy and happiness in those old photos all those years ago, but it's never too late as I'm learning every day.