WALKER WARS OR HEY MARK BURNETT/JEFF PROBST CHECK THIS OUT

         The following is something I wrote about six years ago. It’s not exactly as I wrote it then. I’ve updated it to be more current, although it’s highly unlikely any of us could resort to something like this during the pandemic.  

No matter what happens, I generally try to find humor in most situations. Over the last six years, I’ve had two total hip replacements and a shoulder repair. John was my caretaker for the hip replacements, but not so much for the shoulder repair which took far longer to heal. It was fortunate my surgeon didn’t see or meet John or I might have been sent to a rehab facility. It’s not likely the surgeon would have wanted me to have a caretaker that had been using a walker in the house for more than a year. That’s not to say John couldn’t get around because he could…slowly but his walker makes him appear less capable.
         

 I didn’t have a choice about using a walker after the hip replacements, and brought my own home from the hospital. Our house is conducive to walker use except for a couple of places. One day, as I rounded the door jamb into the kitchen, John was poised to enter the kitchen from the other end. I exclaimed,

          “Oh no, we’re going to crash.” And laughed. John wasn’t amused.

A day or so later, I came out of the bedroom into the hallway just as John prepared to come down the hallway. I squared my walker off, twisted my hands on the handles and made motorcycle sounds. I coined the term Walker War, and again, John was not amused.

During a phone conversation with our son, I told him about our Walker War and elaborated on how there should be a reality show called Walker Wars. My son was also not amused…where were their senses of humor. 

Following that conversation which had me laughing until my eyes teared, I gave the Walker Wars idea even more thought and think it could be a reality show gem. I mean really. Back then (and maybe now) people actually watched the Kardashians, some other show about extreme cheapskates, Tiger King, and a wide variety of others where the commercials for them make me wonder, “Who the hell watches that stuff?” How could my Walker Wars program possibly fail?

Here’s my concept for when our lives return to normal. Nursing homes/skilled facilities/retirement homes around the country could vie for a spot on the show. The contests could be held either in the homes or at some nearby facility that would be conducive to this program. Winners of regional contests would move to state and the winner there to nationals. The national winners would receive a million dollar renovation for their home or some kind of reward that would benefit the residents.

Can’t you picture a wide hall in one of those homes, both sides crowded with wheelchair bound residents and the spry contestants at one end with their walkers all gussied up. In fact, that could be a separate contest which could include walker users that don’t wish to compete in the war. There are people who really like to fancy up their walkers, so there could be prizes for the most beautiful, disguised or decorative walker…how fun would that be?

Back to Walker Wars. The MC, (ala Jeff Probst) would be stationed on a small slightly raised platform in the middle of the hallway, maybe in a doorway. He begins by raising the crowd’s excitement level, identifying the contestants and providing some background for each. Then, it’s time. The MC says,

            “Walkers ready?” and following a brief pause, shouts “GO!!!!!”

Immediately, the walkers at the end of the hall begin to move forward. The MC encourages and provides commentary:

          “Look at #5, already ahead of the pack. Oh, #11, you’re going to have to pick it up if you want to stay in the game.  Oh no, looks like Walker #8 has fallen and can’t get up…staff are rushing to the rescue. It’s #5 and #14 at the midway point. Who’s going to make it to the end first? You better increase your steps #14 or #5 is going to get there first.”

The commentary can continue in this vein until one of the walkers reaches the other end of the hall. Imagine the excitement which could include heart attacks, strokes and who knows what other problems all these thrills might bring to the residents and participants. Most likely the greatest exhilaration anyone living there has had in a very long time. I’d be willing to bet the majority of the residents would absolutely love to participate in such an experience.  I know I would if I were there.

So, that’s my idea for a reality show that anyone of a certain age could really get behind. For that matter, it could appeal to the younger generations as well, sort of an encouragement program to show them how to age well. I’m sure the majority of us would much rather watch something like this than something called Tiger King or Growing up Hip-Hop or the Kardashians. 

Wonder if Mark or Jeff will catch this and make it a reality. I know I’d tune in every single week to watch my contemporaries duke it out with their walkers…hell, I’d even join them with the most customized walker ever when the time came. How about you???