FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF

           

Boy, today is gray, gray, gray with rain falling as though from a hose. It’s nasty outside. Inside, I’m sitting here typing this and feeling sorry for myself…yes, I’m having a pity party. No particular reason. I got up, let Kuma out, had my latte, read the crawl on TV and went back to bed. When I got up, I just felt bad.

          I know I need to and can adjust my mental attitude, but part of me feels justified in having a pity party. Why you, dear reader, ask. Well there are a multitude of reasons. Maybe if I list them all, I will feel better.

          First, I saw the hand doctor yesterday and I will be having surgery on my right wrist, again. I have two ganglion cysts and carpel tunnel for the second time. The surgeon is going to take out the cysts and ease the muscle pressing on the nerve. It isn’t yet scheduled but will probably be within the next couple of weeks. There goes any garden or driftwood sculpture work for at least a month or more. I’ll be able to use my fingers for small stuff, like typing, but nothing that will require a lot of strength or use of my wrist.

          Second, I’m having cataract surgery next Wednesday and it’s not an April
Fool’s joke. My son AJ is going to take me in for the surgery and then back to see the MD the following day. I’ll begin putting drops in my eyes next Monday and will have to continue that for quite a few days after surgery. I’m not real concerned about this surgery, but I do hate having to rely on my son for assistance. It’s not that I believe he begrudges me the time, just that it is a indication of my not being fully competent on my very own.

          There is also an appointment in April with the back doctor, but I think I will cancel that. I really don’t want to begin getting injections in my back. Using my heating pad alleviates most of the pain. Plus, I’m quite able to attend my exercise classes, do my own at home PT and exercises, plus work in the garden. I also do all of my own housekeeping, laundry and the other stuff I have to do on a daily basis without exceptional pain. So, I think I’ll email that doctor and then cancel the appointment. I can always make another one later on.

          I saw my podiatrist in February and the test they performed on my ankles for what I believe is blood pressure showed nothing but red. That is very bad, so I had to get an appointment with a vascular doctor. That’s now scheduled for the beginning of May. Unfortunately, at night I wake from a sound sleep with muscle spasms in my calves and feet. Some times even getting up and walking around doesn’t help these muscle/nerve spasms whatsoever. When I look at my legs and feet, they look perfectly normal with no swelling, discoloration or anything obvious So, I ask myself, if this is happening because of low blood pressure to my feet? I have no idea.

          Hopefully by June, I’ll have had all the necessary procedures required to keep this eighty-year-old body moving along without assistance. That leaves only one item I haven’t addressed here, and that’s loneliness. Being alone, except for Kuma, on a daily basis, no matter how many activities I crowd into my days, sucks. Usually, I can pick up a book, watch TV or find a project to keep me busy. Still, there are times like right now where I’d give almost anything to have John back and being a pain in my as just so I could have a big hug and feel the pressure of another body against mine.. That, of course, isn’t going to happen.

          I suppose it’s good that I can sit here and type all my frustrations and unhappiness and worries out with my fingers. I’m sorry that you, dear reader, read them and think I’m a whiner. Still, I do try to post only happy writings and chapters from my latest book. For today, I’m going to blame the gray, dusk-like light outside the window and pouring rain for my being down.

          Like Little Orphan Annie proclaims, “The sun will come out tomorrow.” And, my attitude will undergo a transformation to the more upbeat person I try to be most times.