FILE CLEANING IS TAXING

         The sun is shining outside and I should be out there pulling some weeds and digging in the dirt. Instead, I’ve been working on my income tax which meant I had to go through files to dig up information. Most of it was handy, but the medical information was not. And, of course, as always, the bulk of the medical expenses were for John. So, while income tax preparation isn’t fun, it was made even less fun as I went through files that brought the first seven and a half months of last year back with a vengeance. 

          As I went through the medical files, I was surprised I hadn’t remembered John going into the hospital in January. I don’t recall the reason, but the bill says coronary care. He must have been able to return home without having to go to rehab because there are no other bills for that month.

          Then, when I got to April it brought back such frustrating and angry memories. John ended up at Overlake Hospital in Bellevue in much worse shape than he’d been in January. Since I’d had shoulder surgery March 29^th, I couldn’t drive there to see him and/or confer with his doctors. He wasn’t at Overlake for  long and then he went to the Foss Home where he stayed until May 8^th when he returned home. Helpful family and friends provided rides so I could replenish John’s clothes and provide whatever he needed as well as trips for my own doctor and physical therapy appointments. It was a horribly challenging time because I felt so dependent on others. At the same time, I was so grateful for all of the folks who provided rides, grocery shopping and other assistance.

          John’s health continued to decline and another urinary tract infection required he be administered an antibiotic IV. They put a port in his arm, and it was up to me (one-handed more or less) to give him the antibiotic via gravity feed which took about an hour each time. To further add to the stress, one of the side-effects of this antibiotic was loss of motor function, so after four days, he was unable to get up or out of bed. Thanks to his visiting nurse, this drug was stopped immediately and in a short time, John was able to move about with his walker, but not quite as well as before.

          John had a visit nurse and a physical therapist who visited once a week. I believe John enjoyed his nursing visits a lot and he did PT as long as the physical therapist visited, but once the PT visits ended, so did John’s efforts to remain strong. Besides those appointments at home, it seemed as though I had to drive John at least once a week to visit his GP, cardiologist, urologist, foot care specialist, the laboratory or pharmacy. Since last August, I think I’ve driven south on I-5 less than ten times and perhaps even less than five.

          John’s birthday was on June 18^th and every six years or so, his birthday and Father’s Day would coincide. That didn’t happen in 2019, but his sons decided (if my memory is working properly) we’d have a Father’s Day BBQ here at the house. My daughter-in-law, Amber, took some wonderful family photographs that day. It wasn’t until after John died that I realized just how old and frail and weak he appeared in those pictures. I guess seeing (and not seeing) him every single day didn’t register that he was failing quite as badly as the photos indicated. I’m grateful his sons wanted to do this since it was the last time.

          Then came August and the final hospital trip. The bill for less than 24 hours in Harborview is staggering…almost $15,000, the copay for which was $90. Thank heavens for Medicare Advantage insurance.

          I’ve been steadily feeding papers into the shredder as I’ve cleaned out the various files. It feels good to see all that paper headed for Cedar Grove compost. It also feels a little sad because once the files are updated and the taxes completed, it closes for real the final chapter in my relationship with John.

          It seems very strange and kinda silly to be sitting here typing and crying, but I guess you never really know when grief will sneak up on you while you’re doing something as mundane as taxes and file cleaning. I think I’ll put a sweater on and take the dogs into the back yard. John’s under the apple tree in the sunshine and maybe we should have a little talk about how I’m feeling. Maybe that will help make it all better…probably not, but  my body will love the Vitamin D.

TWO MONTHS GONE

          I think I must have been daft to tell you I was going to publish a post every single day of 2020, but here it is March 1^st which means I’ve completed the first two months or a total of 61 posts, including this one.

          Sometimes I think I cannot possibly come up with anything to post about and then I sit down at the keyboard and the words flow from my fingers. I’m sure nothing I’ve posted could be considered great literary work; and I don’t seem to have developed a very huge following of readers, or at least readers that write back. But, for the most part, I like writing and will keep doing this for as long as it’s interesting and fun for me.

          It does get a bit lonely sitting here at this keyboard. To make it less so, what I would like to see happen is for you readers to tell me what you’d like me to write about. Is there anything about being a fairly new widow that you’d like to know that I haven’t covered? Is there anything you’d like to share with me whether you’re a widow or not? Are there topics you would find interesting that I haven’t thought of?

          I’ve actually been working on a post about sex…yes, sex. Anything in particular you’d like to know about that topic? Go ahead, post a comment, send me an email, reach out. I would so love to hear from each and every person who is reading my blog.

DECISION MADE???

          It’s going to be a go…the garage sale that is. Yesterday, when I finally drug out the vacuum cleaner and dusting rags, I began to eliminate stuff from my living room. These are just things that I have to dust over and over and over and over. Why on earth I ever thought I needed so much glass stuff, I have no idea. And, it isn’t just glass, it’s other possessions as well.

          The shelves and tables aren’t bare, but they are holding a lot less. Once I go to Office Depot and get some stickers, I’ll begin pricing and boxing this junk, I mean wonderful belongings, up. I’m sure none of it will sell for what I paid for it originally; however, I was always fairly cheap and wouldn’t spend more than $10 and usually less when buying something. I know I do have some spendier pieces that were gifts, but it’s time to file the memory of who gave and why and let go of the actual item.

          It’s fairly amazing how much better I’m feeling now that I’ve made that decision as well as a couple of others that I’ll share more about later. I guess I’ve been kinda waiting for someone, anyone, to offer assistance and/or decisions with regard to all this stuff. You’d after all this time I’d know the only decision maker here is me.

          You see, John never ever made an important decision for me. There were many times when I just wanted to crawl into his lap, have him cuddle me and tell me what to do. It usually had something to do with changing jobs or family/friend relationships. The decision for me was always very difficult. “Just tell me what I should do?” was my refrain.

          The refrain was ignored with the exception of John playing Devil’s advocate. He’d go over all the minuses with regard to the yes or no decision; then, he’d do the pluses. But, he never gave me a pat on the head and told me unequivocally exactly what I should do.

          John did this for most of our marriage; however, the older he became, the more opinionated, especially after he retired and spent hours on the computer he was. There are organizations and people on the internet who look for and attract individuals like my husband. I think I’ve mentioned before how far right wing he became in the last ten plus years of his life. He became a Devil’s advocate for the devil(s) in my opinion.

          I soon learned not to discuss important decisions with him, because his advice (demand) in no way, shape or form was beneficial. One piece of advice readily comes to mind. It had to do with my 403b retirement plan. I wanted to move the money some place where it would continue to grow (I’d received some bad advice from the company plan holder.) as well as be readily available should I need to tap some of those funds.

          I bought a couple of books and did some research before finally making a decision. John’s advice was I take ALL the cash and put it into a saving account; or better yet, buy gold with it. I explained I’d have to pay income tax up front which would eat up over half the funds. He came back with how risky the stock market really was, which considering the amount of money I’ve lost in the last week might now be true.

          Still, I went ahead with my decision to invest; and it was withdrawals from that account that paid for John’s medical, dental and pharmaceutical needs for the last seven plus years. Since I stopped taking withdrawals last fall, my account grew very well up until, as I said above, the last week and the coronavirus affect on the stock market.

          So, the garage sale is on and I’ll be busy working toward it. I also think I’ll sell the house, but that’s not yet a definite decision. I need to do some research and figure out if it would be beneficial financially to sell and move someplace else where my only responsibility would be writing a check. But, that’s also a decision I don’t have to make immediately. As long as I can pay the property taxes and remain healthy and able to care for myself, I’ll be here.  I just don’t want to get to the point where family or whoever is making my decision for me.  If nothing else, John did teach me decisions about me, myself and I have to be made by me, myself and I.

VALUE CAN ONLY BE DETERMINED BY THE OWNER

          Posting about having a garage sale made me think of the first time John and I had a serious argument about something I did without consulting him. I don’t think we’d even been married a year. I know we were living in the little house in Ballard, and it was probably spring because that’s when you do your spring cleaning…right?

          Anyway, I was John’s wife, mistress of his life so why would I need to check with him when I began cleaning out the closet and dresser drawers. I mean, really, it was right there in the marriage vows wasn’t it? What was his is mine and what’s mine is his and those vows endowed me with the power to make decisions about his clothes and stuff. So, I cleaned out his side of the closet as well as mine. I had never been a saver, i.e., if I didn’t wear it or came to dislike it, then it went in the Goodwill box.

          John had this pair of white Levi’s that had been patched innumerable times by his mother. The jeans were more patch than original fabric. At that point I had never owned a pair of Levi’s and had no idea that the longer you had them and wore them, the softer and more comfortable they became. To me, all those patches represented being poor and there was no need for him to keep them since he had other good pairs of jeans. Into the Goodwill box they went.

          John also had an unbelievably ugly mustard-yellow corduroy jacket. He’d put it on once with a red and white patterned shirt…so ugly. It looked horrible and I insisted he wear something else. After all, I was the fashionista, not him. So, since I hated that jacket and couldn’t ever see myself going out in public with him if he was wearing it, into the Goodwill box it went as well.

          The final insult as far as John was concerned was the fact, he took the boxes out of the car trunk and put them into the Goodwill bin. When he found out he’d tossed his favorite jeans and that wonderful jacket into the bin, he was so angry, I’m sure if he could have said, “I divorce thee; I divorce thee; I divorce thee.” and never had to see me again, he just might have done exactly that.

          Since he died last August, I’ve gotten rid of a whole bunch of stuff without asking him if it was okay. I’m sure if he was in a grave, he’d be rolling over and over in an absolute snit. I gave away 25 boxes of Playboy magazines…yes, GAVE away. I took another four or five huge boxes of Maxim magazines to the recycle station. It gave me great pleasure, plus added a lot of steps to my Fitbit that day, to carry and toss those magazines. In the process of cleaning out all those file cabinets, I found a bunch of jewelry that definitely didn’t belong to me. Who knows where it came from? Someone suggested I take it to Bellevue Rare Coins. I did and was very thankful I didn’t toss that stuff into a Goodwill box. The absolute ugliest pieces of jewelry were 18 caret gold…imagine. 

Besides what I did, the boys and I went through a stuff in the garage and then through what he had stored in the extra space he rented. Again, there was so much that didn’t have a value and that ended up in either recycle or the garbage. The eldest son kept saying, “What was dad thinking?”. I certainly didn’t have an answer.

Not too long ago, I read an article written by a woman who had just finished cleaning out her mother’s home. She hired an estate sale company to take care of the whole thing, but learned a number of things. No one is interested in good china or crystal…may as well enjoy tossing it on the floor and breaking it. No one is interested in brown furniture…may as well cut it up for firewood. Apparently, the only items that have any value are good jewelry, firearms, and I cannot remember what the third thing was…maybe sterling silver? I looked for the article, but could not find it again.

So, I guess the absolute best thing would be to order a dumpster (Can you hear John screaming?) and simply begin to fill it with all the stuff in the house, the attic and the garage that isn’t needed or necessary…this would include eliminating as much of my own stuff as possible in the process. I think I’ll have a garage sale first though and see if I can’t make a bit of change from some of it. I figure if I start now and go room by room, pricing and boxing, then it shouldn’t be too hard come the end of July. Then, whatever’s left can go in the dumpster…John, don’t you come haunting me now. 

TO GARAGE SALE OR NOT GARAGE SALE

         In a post the other day, I said I HAVE TO get John’s bedroom cleaned out. I believe I’ve posted before that he was a hoarder and saved all kinds of worthless stuff. What’s left in that room now may be stuff that’s worth something, but I’ll only find that out if I proceed to go through it all, do some research and figure out how and where to market these “valuables.”      

  

         Lately, I’ve been toying with the idea of holding a garage sale, perhaps the end of July or the beginning of August. It’s been a very long time since I held a garage sale and I had John to assist me then. I’m sure my sons would be happy to give me a hand on an as needed basis provided that basis wasn’t every weekend between now and July.

          Actually, I'm even toying with the idea of having a HUGE ESTATE sale and opening up the house in order to sell anything within that I haven't put aside for myself. This would be in preparation for selling the house and moving to someplace that wouldn't require the amount of hard work and care this house does. It would be a huge adjustment after living here for 51 years, but perhaps it's more than time for a change.

         Does anyone reading this out there have any advice they’d like to share about garage sales, getting rid of stuff, researching what stuff might be worth, or selling the home and its contents? I know I can google almost any item and get some kind of response. Still, it would be great to benefit from someone else’s experience.

          Come on now…the more advice and/or ideas the better. Thanks so very much in advance!!!

FINANCES AND INCOME TAX

        Are you a list maker? I am and I just made a list of important work I need to get done tvery soon. (1) I need to prepare my 2019 income taxes; (2) I need to complete the form requesting my property taxes be reduced and submit it; (3) I need to go online and update my medical file for the physical exam I scheduled for March. These are the big three and in addition to the ordinary stuff that’s always on the list, i.e., laundry, vacuum, dust, grocery shop, etc., etc., etc.

          The first item on the list tend is an annual event that has pissed me off and annoyed the heck out of me for decades. That’s because I didn’t want to have to do any of the money stuff in my marriage. I simply wanted and expected a husband that would go to work, come home, pay the bills and take care of any pesky financial stuff that came up, like assuring our golden years would be debt free and fun.

          Silly me, drunk with Cinderella Syndrome back in the late 1960s, I expected John to work at a job for all our married life while I took on the part of Mrs. “Cleaver” Karlberg. I’d keep a beautiful home, cook wonderful meals and raise brilliant happy beautiful children.

Those expectations did work out from the get go…I should have run screaming into the night right after the honeymoon when John suggested we each keep our own checking accounts. So, that’s what we did for all our years of marriage although we each had our name on the other’s account. As a matter of fact, I have a check to deposit because I just closed John’s account at his bank…no, we didn’t even have the same bank.            

          I almost always had at least a half-time job and eventually came to earn far more than John, only because he had his own business and didn’t pay himself well at all. According to John, it cost too much in taxes for him to have much of an income. So, the bulk of budgeting, paying bills, doing the paperwork and filing taxes for John’s company, as well as taxes for us personally fell to me.

          I’m not exactly sure why it developed in this manner. I know we did try to reverse the situation more than once. I’m not a genius when it comes to math, but it was somehow easier for me take care of our financial business. And, I suppose it was actually a good thing because it was me paying into the retirement system that allowed us/me to retire and continue to pay the bills each month. John’s “costs too much to pay into social security” netted him less than half of what I receive.

          This year I don’t have anyone to grumble to or at when I begin dragging all the papers from the files. I also won’t need an additional signature when it comes time to submit anything. Somehow knowing I’ll be signing everything as just me, myself and I, makes John’s absence seem, once again, more infinite. It truly makes me wonder how it will be in 2021. Will I still become pissed off and annoyed when it comes time to fill out the tax forms? Or, will I simply sail through it because it’s just me, myself and I?

YESTERDAY...

Was not a good day. I didn’t get a single thing written. I was/am very depressed even though I walked, went to exercise class and did my physical therapy. I kept and keep reminding myself that I “choose” how I’m feeling, but sometimes the day can hold surprises that are horrid, seem very unfair, and provide a picture of myself that I feel I don’t deserve and that is totally unwarranted. It’s because of the source of those feelings that I am feeling so depressed even though I’ve tried to choose not to be.

          Perhaps today will be a better day. To begin, I’m going back to bed for a while longer.

          I wish y’all a wonderful day.