DOES IT REALLY MATTER???

         One of the things I’ve noticed about being a widow and living alone is an attitude of not really caring. Since it’s just me and the doggies here, does it really matter if I vacuum or dust? Sure, if I expect family or friends to visit; then, of course, I go through the motions of making the house more presentable. (Although, I have to admit I entertained family yesterday without pulling out the vacuum or wielding the dust cloth...for shame, for shame, for shame.) But, on a day to day basis, I don’t really give much of a shit…to be profane about it.

          When John was alive, I kept a clean and fairly normal house, but he’s no longer here; and why I did it when he was alive, I don’t really know. He didn’t much care how the house looked; and judging by the dust and dog hair in his bedroom, we could have easily lived like a couple of hoarders and it wouldn’t have mattered in the least to him. I think I’ve posted his opinion on my cleaning before company comes…what’s the point since the company is just going to mess it all up anyway.

          Then, there’s the living plants throughout the house. I’ve always had living plants in my home. At one point in time, there were plants in hangers I macraméd
in front of each and every window of this house. Now, the plants reside in the

bathroom, living, dining rooms and kitchen. I know family would rather I get rid of the ones in the bathroom so I wouldn’t have to climb a ladder to water. Some times I think about just giving them all away so I don’t have to care for them any longer. Then, I think about this house and how cold it would look without those living specimens.

          What I’m left wondering about at this point is whether my ceasing to care about the dust, dirt, dog hair and plants is an indication of depression? If that’s the case, why don’t I feel depressed? Believe me, I don’t really think I’m depressed and in need of some form of medication to make it all better.

          Growing up, my mother and father both worked; and once my grandma moved to California when I was 12, I became the main housekeeper. I didn’t have to do laundry or anything like that, but vacuuming, dusting and keeping things tidy was really up to me. I continued that when I moved into my own apartment, into the house John and I rented at the beginning of our marriage and then into this house. At one point in time…actually more than one point, more like years…you could have eaten your dinner, or any meal for that matter, off my floors. My windows sparkled spring and fall. And, I held either a permanent part-time job or a full-time job while raising children and keeping a clean and gleaming home. 

         

So, now, what’s my problem? I don’t honestly know except I don’t feel much like vacuuming most days. And, dusting, well, what’s the point when it just comes back before you even get to enjoy the dirt-free tables and knick-knacks. I probably wouldn't even do much laundry except for the fact my closet and dresser drawers are not bottomless. I feel like I should be ashamed of myself for not caring so much as a real whit…and what is a whit anyway…about how it all looks. Again, am I depressed or just relaxing after a lifetime of keeping things in order?

          I find myself wanting to do other things like sit at this computer and compose stuff for my blog, or read emails, or look at Facebook. I’d rather meet someone for lunch or dinner or go to a movie. I have a stack of papers and brochures I've saved that detail hikes and places and events I want to attend. With spring just around the corner, I'd rather be out mucking about in the dirt instead of cleaning it up.  

        

          This is a quandary for me. After 74 years of cleaning, polishing, laundering, and everything else it takes to keep house, why am I now feeling as though those things are time wasters, that I have so many other things I can do instead? Is it because I feel my time is becoming more limited with each passing day? Am I just lazy? I don’t have an answer for myself.

Is feeling like this part of the grieving process? Is feeling like this perfectly normal? Is it a phase that I’ll go through that will eventually end? Does anyone have any answers or insights to share with regard to how I’m feeling? I believe I could certainly benefit from counsel from other widows/widowers who have gone through this because right now, it rather sucks and I’d much prefer to feel way better than I do currently.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY THOR!!!!

          Today is my youngest son’s 40^th birthday, his first one without his dad. His older brother had his first birthday without his dad last September, but I hadn’t begun to write about how John’s death affected me or my sons. I’m sorry for that now because I’m sure it was very difficult for AJ to party barely a month after his dad’s passing and not even ten days after John’s life celebration. I wasn’t thinking about any of this at that point in time. I guess it was too new to process.

          Still, we celebrated AJ’s 49^th birthday last September and today, we’ll celebrate Thor’s 40^th. As I did with AJ’s, I’ll continue with the custom or preparing the celebrant’s favorite dinner, established who knows how many years ago. I’ll make Heart Attack in a Bowl, better known as Baked Potato Soup. It will be served with Caesar salad, garlic bread and crackers. In the past, I’ve made Thor’s favorite, German chocolate cake, but with the cold that’s still sapping my energy, I’ve asked Thor’s wife to take care of getting the cake and ice cream.

          We’ll all be there to watch the candles be lighted, one of the kids will play the little music box of Happy Birthday, and we’ll all sing the Happy Birthday song to Thor. It will be pretty much like years past; except we are all one year older and John’s voice will no longer ring out as we sing.

I cannot speak for Thor or any other family member, but I will miss John’s presence and the way we often looked at each other with pride in the boys we raised. We never discussed it at any length or in great depth, but we both loved these progenies, even when they were the most exasperating individuals in our lives.

 Thor’s baby book carries the story of how and when he was conceived. It was in the back of a 1972 VW camper van in the back yard of Mabel and Bud Owen’s home in Montesano Washington on Memorial Day weekend 1979. John and I were so pleased with AJ and parenthood, we’d decided to have another child, but Mother Nature would not cooperate. We were encouraged to visit our friends in Montesano because everyone there was pregnant…it has to be the water I was told. This was going to be our last attempt because AJ would be ten in 1980 and the house would be paid for…why begin again.

Thor 2/22/80

Mother Nature granted our desire and when we returned to see our friends for the July 4^th weekend, we were happily pregnant. AJ was especially excited and wanted a sister whom he would name Rebecca. John also wanted a girl as did I so we’d have a complete set, but, somehow, I knew during the comfortable and easy pregnancy that I was carrying another boy.

February photos with John must be 

in baby book. This from 8/80.

In addition to my being pregnant, four other women I knew were as well and we were all due in February. I was the last to head for the hospital, five days after the last of the other four went. Of the five of us, two had boys and three had girls, but most importantly, they were all healthy and whole.

Mom walking for her Certificate

Such good posture

Thor was also born on the day of my mother’s graduation from school. Since I couldn’t be there, I insisted John and AJ attend and take photographs. They all came to the hospital the following day. Unfortunately, I did have a problem when I gave birth, so the doctor kept me there an extra couple of days.

The day Thor and I went home had a couple of difficulties. I had no idea I absolutely had to have the baby car seat in the car in order to bring my baby home. After much dithering, we were allowed to leave with Thor, but he and I had to ride in the back seat. The other problem was AJ had become ill. John took him to the doctor on the way to get us, and it turned out he had strep throat. The nurses were very understanding and provided face masks for him to use and instructed him/us about washing his hands, etc., to keep his new baby healthy.

Photo of AJ in mask must be 

in Thor’s baby book

I have photos of AJ in his face mask holding his little brother as soon as we arrived home. That bond strengthened and grew as did the brothers. Just let one of the older kids in the neighborhood give Thor grief and AJ was ready to go take care of the problem. Thor, in turn, looked up to his big brother and potty trained himself before his second birthday. His brother and dad stood up to pee, so forget these diapers and let me at the toilet. Had I to do it all over again, I would have taught my boys to sit down and pee. As it was, once they were each old enough, cleaning the bathroom became their job once a week. After all, I wasn’t the one that “dripped” on the toilet and floor.

As boys grew up and matured, they became less close…ten years does make a difference at some point. AJ was out of school, going to college and Thor was just beginning middle school. AJ found the woman he married, and Thor wasn’t yet sure if he needed a girl/woman in his life. AJ accepted permanent employment with the Seattle Parks Department from which he’ll eventually retire. Thor had some medical issues which sidetracked him from his chosen career of diesel mechanic to working for his father’s company, and then on to several completely different in every way jobs.

Now, at 50 later this year and 40 today, I believe they are supportive of each other. I absolutely love the way they relive old times, share new experiences and laugh together. AJ gave us our granddaughter 18+ years ago. Thor gave us our grandson 5+ years ago, plus an additional two grandchildren that were gifted by his wife who call me Nana and called John Grandpa.

So, today, we’ll celebrate Thor’s 40^th. There will be smiles, laughter, tales told about other birthdays and events. I’ll make sure John’s ball is lighted and know that while his voice will not join with ours today, he’ll still be there in each and every single memory of each and every single birthday celebration we’ve previously held for Thor.

I thought that last paragraph was the last one, but suddenly my eyes are filling and all the memories that have crowded my mind as I looked up old polaroids and photos and wrote this are causing me both pleasure and pain. The pleasure comes from the wonderful memories I have of parenting Thor with John. The pain comes from knowing those memories became finite last August. I’m glad I was numb last September for AJ’s birthday because this happy occasion simply, and unexpectedly, hurts.

CRUISING

          Okay, I’ve posted about the fun stuff ashore, so it must be time for me to post about my cruise experience. Let me just say it was LONELY. I’m not sure cruising is what this particular widow needs in her life on a more permanent basis. I did meet another widow who lost her husband four years ago. She’s been travelling and cruising every since because he hated to travel. So, she finds she doesn’t miss him the way she would if she did the kind of things they used to do together.

          According to the cruise director, the ship carried just under 2000 passengers and 1200 of them were couples. That left about 800 singles, but those singles included mothers with daughters, friends with friends, and not too very many solos. The Zuiderdam did have two events for solo guests.

          I attended the first one which was a meet up at one of the ship’s bars. There was a total of five attendees including me. Two were women from LA, travelling together and the other two were men. We all had a drink, chatted and then the two men left to attend the dance show which I’d just come from and highly recommended. The two women left to go to BB King’s Blues Bar and dance. I finished my drink and went to my room.

          The second event was a lunch for solos. The widow mentioned above attended and reported there were about 12 people there for lunch. She said she didn’t like the vibe and left as did a couple of other folks.

          During the day and on the shore excursions, I had plenty of people to talk to. Everyone was very friendly and happy to converse with me whether they were older or younger and in a relationship or not. I enjoyed those conversations and getting to know a little bit about each one, but I seldom ran into the same person or people more than that one time. There were a couple of exceptions, but that wasn’t the rule. I wasn’t particularly lonely during the daylight hours.

          It was the evening hours after going to a show, having a drink, three martinis for $12 at 6:00 pm, eating a late dinner or dessert that were most difficult and lonely. True, it wasn’t any different than being at home alone, except it was. I wanted to talk to someone about the day’s events, the food, the crazy, helpful, beautiful, kind, amusing persons I’d met. Instead, I journaled on my I-pad and kept track of what I’d done and wanted to do. That doesn’t even come close to having a live person with whom to interact.

          I did end up watching a number of movies I hadn’t seen that were in the ship’s library. That tended to take my mind off being alone, but eventually, it was time to turn everything off and get beneath the covers. Then, it would have been especially wonderful to have someone with whom to snuggle. I find it amazing how at times I can miss John so much when he drove me absolutely nuts those last years. I guess it’s just the perfect example of not knowing or appreciating what you have until it’s gone?

          At any rate, I’m not taking cruising entirely off my list. I love having my room straightened, yummy food available without lifting a finger, entertainment available at a wide variety of times. And, of course, there was the sun and the warm water, but I think cruising doesn’t give you enough of the warm water. Anyway, it’s not like I have to sign up for another one any time soon. I did bring home the cruise catalog to see if there’s something in there I’d really like. Since I went through the Three Gorges Locks in China, it might be fun to go through the Panama Canal. There were also a number of people on the ship that love Viking cruises. I’ll look into them too at some point.

          I really do wish that other widows/widowers would weigh in on what they like/liked to do on their own. I know I’d certainly appreciate some feedback.

FOOD, YUMMY YUMMY FOOD

          When you reach a certain age, one of the few pleasures left is eating. Of course, you want to eat not only well, but tasty stuff pleasing to the palate. Let me tell you, cruising provides you with the ability to eat well and enjoy every single bite.

         

          On the two cruises I’ve been on, they had what is called the Lido Market. It has a wide variety of choices that are available beginning with breakfast and ending with snacks between 10:00 pm and 12:00 am. The Lido Market is included as part of your package. In addition, there is a taco bar adjacent the swimming pool with a very wide variety of choices to include in your taco or your taco salad…I went for the taco salad at least twice and it was very very good. There’s also the Dive In, which provides a variety of hamburgers and French fries until 5:00 pm. I don’t know what they put on their French fries, but they were excellent.

         

There were also three other restaurants. There was the dining room which was also included in your package, and you could make a reservation or take your chances when you decided to have dinner. I had lunch there once and the food was excellent…the company, maybe not so much. They seated me at the only empty chair at a table for 10. Eight of those 10 were couples. The gentleman seated next to me was a solo like me. He abruptly got up and left the table just after I was seated. We’d barely begun lunch when he excused himself again saying he’d taken a water pill that morning. On his return, I asked if he was taking Lasix and he responded affirmatively. Well, that was it for me…he may have been attractive and slim, but John took Lasix for years and there was no way I wanted to even contemplate getting to know a single male who was already on Lasix. We had a very nice lunch and I never saw him again.

          The Pinnacle Grill would have been an additional charge on my Visa; however, my decision not to try that restaurant was because it served Northwest food. Why would I fly thousands of miles and get on a ship to pay for food I could undoubtedly get right at home that would be cheaper and fresher?

          There was also the Canaletto restaurant which served Italian food. The Lido Market also had a variety of pasta and sauces, so why would I pay extra to eat in that restaurant. True, the restaurants provided wine service, but were I so inclined, I could have asked my Lido server for wine as well.

          Finally, there was in stateroom service. I used this for the mornings I had to be up early to go ashore. It was rather nice to have your breakfast delivered when you’re barely awake and to sit in your chair with your coffee and stare out at the water beyond the verandah. The delivered food wasn’t as good as what I had in the Lido Market for breakfast. That was understandable because the menu choices were not as broad. I mean you could get a bowl of oatmeal and then wander around to various locations and add fruit, nuts, cream and a wider variety of additions than were listed on the in-stateroom menu.

          Seriously, I expected to return home weighing many more pounds than when I left.  I was amazed to find myself about the same weight as when I left, especially because I ate and ate and ate and ate. In addition to the taco salads and hamburgers and French fries, I had perfectly cooked salmon, collard greens, a variety of vegetables cooked to perfection, steak, pasta, pizza, a couple different kinds of fish, crispy bacon, rolls and butter and a huge variety of desserts. I could even have ice cream cones almost any time of the day or night.

          I’ve heard stories about people who do nothing but go on cruises. After this one, I can certainly understand why that would be a great choice. You have a steward who comes in and cleans up your stateroom. You have access to wonderful and yummy food almost 24/7. There’s a medical facility on board if you should become in need of one. There are people to talk to almost 24/7. There are a wide variety of entertainments from piecing puzzles to an on board dance troupe, comedians to make you laugh, a casino in which you can lose your money (I didn’t play, but loved watching some of the folks who did.), books you can borrow and read, movies on your stateroom television, plus other TV stations if you are so inclined.  You can even get a massage, your hair and nails done, acupuncture, and a wide variety of health benefits from the on-board spa. Then, there’s the fitness room and two swimming pools so you can keep yourself in shape. You can also walk around the 10^th deck innumerable times to get your steps in for the day. I didn’t utilize any of those facilities, but assume if I were to become a permanent cruiser, I’d definitely work all of them into my schedule.

          The only thing I didn’t really like so much was my inability to be on the internet. And, yes, I could have been, but I was not willing to pay the extra $120, or whatever it was, in order to go on line, text, email and play Words with Friends. I kind of missed that, but it was also very good to be off the grid (as they say) for a while.

         

The last time I cruised, it was with John to Alaska through the Inside Passage and including Glacier Bay. It was a wonderful trip, but John was already fading at that point in time. He would take the elevator up one floor to the Lido Market and I would take the steps. He would look at the various foods available and tell me his choices. Then, I would prepare his plate and drinks and serve him before I made my own choices. I didn’t resent him or having to wait on him, I simply thought it was sad he was unable to do all the things I was able to do. One day, I got him to walk from one end of the ship to the other to get a latte. He had to stop and rest once we reached the Crow’s Nest before heading back to our stateroom. He took a nap every afternoon. We didn’t attend any of the evening entertainments. But, we got to sit on our verandah and watch the glaciers calving and that was fun and exciting.

          This trip, I waited only on myself. I thought of John now and then when I was eating something especially yummy and that I know he would have enjoyed. With or without John, the pleasure of eating was immense…YUM, YUM, YUM.

DOLPHINS, SHARKS, PARROTS, TOUCANS, LOVE BIRDS, OH MY

 

I’ve always wanted to swim with dolphins and thought the word “encounter” meant I’d be swimming with dolphins…plural. Well, that wasn’t the case, but it was a wonderful experience nonetheless.

          The ship disgorged its inhabitants after having all those going ashore show photo ID and the ship keycard. The folks going to Ocean World at Puerta Plata gathered in a group and were escorted onto a bus. The bus then took us outside the city to Ocean World. If you look up Ocean World, it states day activities which include, water slides, sea lions, sharks and the main attraction—swimming with dolphins…that must be where I got my original idea.

          The tour guide, Robin, gave us lots of information during the bus ride which included the fact you could rent an apartment just outside the park for $300 a month. He also said not to come in November…too rainy or August…too hot. Maybe a month in the Dominican Republic would work just as well as a month in Costa Rica to get away from Seattle rain. I’ll have to check into that.

          Off the bus, we were led out into the park to a series of docks and eventually to a square dock that enclosed water. The trainer (whose name I never did learn) introduced us to Luna, a seven-year-old dolphin that had been born at the park. He provided instructions on the dos and don’ts with regard to the Luna encounter. The main don’t seemed to be, “…don’t touch her peepee.” This was repeated over and over. I don’t know if it was for the humor or if it was a real fact. At one point I did ask him what would happen if I touched her peepee and he said, “You would make her very happy.” Later on, I tried to talk to him away from the encounter space and came to the conclusion he had just enough English to do his spiel.

          He divided us into two groups and the other group went first. My group watched from the other side as Luna was instructed to perform. She was rewarded each time on completion with a small fish. All those small fishes apparently add up to about 300 pounds at the end of the day.

          Then it was my group’s turn. We got down in the water on a ledge and Luna swam back and forth in front of us, back up, belly up…”Don’t touch her peepee.”…. Then, Luna kissed each of us on the cheek. She followed this by putting her head on our shoulders and allowing us to hug her. Luna then raised herself out of the water in front of each one of us so the photographer could get a photo. Finally, Luna’s trainer had her float in front of me with her tail in my face. I held her tail and apparently my excitement got the best of me because suddenly I was floating and my toes were sticking out of the water on either side of Luna. The trainer wanted to know what I was doing and I was quick to reassure him that, “I didn’t touch her peepee.”

          Finally, we were each given a fish to feed Luna…surprised to find out it was frozen…and then she swam back and forth again so we could touch her as she passed. The trainer also had Luna float on her back so he could show us her peepee and the mammary glands that are on either side. That seemed a bit strange. And, that was the my swim with a dolphin.

          I was surprised to find that Luna did not feel wet even though she was in the water. She didn’t feel cold or warm. She felt firm and kind of silky. I don’t think I’ve ever touched anything else that would approximate how Luna felt. I was also left feeling a bit sad about the experience. Yes, I retired from a zoo. Yes, I’ve had encounters with grizzlies, elephants, gorillas, penguins, hippos, giraffe, zebra, orangutans and other zoo inhabitants, but I’ve also always felt a bit sad about all these animals being in captivity. Not that I would have forgone a single one of those experiences you understand.

Following the encounter, I was fortunate enough to speak with the Director of the Animal Collection. He was out welcoming guests and helping his staff. We had a nice chat although he’d never heard of Woodland Park Zoo, he did say they had an employee who came from San Diego. He also said that in 2018, Ocean World passed a rigorous third-party audit to become the first institution in the Caribbean to earn the prestigious Humane Certified Seal of Approval. The American Humane Conservation program is the first-ever certification program solely devoted to helping verify the humane treatment of animals living in zoos, aquariums, and conservation centers across the globe. (I stole the actual verbiage off the internet.) This gentleman also said the majority of the dolphins at Ocean World had been born there. This information helped with my sad feelings.

Then, I had a Dominican Republic style buffet lunch followed by the Shark show (boring) and the bird show (amazing) and wandered around the park. Very nice attendants took photos of me with the parrot, toucan and love birds (parakeets). Rather than intersperse additional photos in the text, I decided to post these at the end. Here you go. Enjoy...I certainly did in case you couldn't tell.

                                       

SNORKELING and MANTA RAYS

          I thought about how I should post regarding my cruise and decided to just go with the exciting events first…today, it’s SNORKELING and MANTA RAYS.

          First, the snorkeling. I had never done this before and was fairly nervous about it, especially because I do not swim well. One of the women on the boat said the instructions the crew provided were the best she’d ever heard and another woman who had all of her own equipment provided a number of suggestions based on her experience. I was so grateful to both these women as well as the crew of the boat. This is the boat:

          That’s me in all my gear, and that’s me in the water. The experienced woman’s husband was kind enough to take the photos of me. Don’t I look terrific? Doesn’t it appear as though I definitely know what I’m doing? 

                    Let me tell you, I only tried to breath through my nose once…okay, maybe twice. All that does is suck your facemask closer to your face…you get no air. I quickly learned to breath through the snorkel in my mouth. I was also wearing a vest that contained air as well as one of those pool noodles through the vest. They helped hold me up so I didn’t have to worry about drowning due to my lack of swimming ability.

          Actually, you don’t swim. You use your flippers to move you through the water while you’re gazing down into the beautiful blue depths. I saw a number of fish, one of which might have been Nemo, some sea fans and other stuff I couldn’t identify. Eventually, fish came up, mostly yellow ones, but some blue, and swam around me. It was so astonishing to be in the middle of them. The next time I do this, I’m going to have a camera that will take pictures under the water. And, there will be a next time. I loved, loved, loved it.

          Then, it was back in the boat and off to the manta ray experience. This picture is of the crewman in the water chumming (That may not be the word they use, but it's the only one I know.) for mantas. Those dark shapes under the water are the mantas going to him. At one point, and I didn't get a photo, he was surrounded by manta rays...they almost appeared to be climbing on him. I don't know how he chose which one to use for our experience, but eventually, the others all left and he kept just the one you'll see in the photos.

          I wasn’t the first, but I wasn’t the last either to wade out to the crewman to have my time, and photos taken, with the manta ray. As you can see, I even kissed it. They mantas feel very silky and smooth on your body. The crewman also put it onto my back, but those photos weren’t very good so I didn’t purchase.

          Not only that, but the only time I thought about Steve Irwin was when the crewman held up the manta ray’s tail for us to see the wicked barb. Once we all had our time with the manta ray, it was released and swam off to join the others until the next time, I guess. Not to anthropomorphize the manta ray, but I’ve thought some about what the one we interacted with had to say to his/her fellow mantas when they all met up later. Very amused by my imagination was I.

          This was a wonderful experience, although it wasn’t quite what I expected based on the literature about the event. I thought I would actually be swimming among them, rather than having a crewman hold it and arrange for me to hold it for the picture taking. Perhaps I was a bit naïve to think I would actually swim among them. I’m sure there are huge liability issues when it comes to this type of experience. Still, I wouldn’t have missed it for anything. I’d even like to do this again. I believe if you go to Hawaii, you can actually swim with the manta rays after dark. I’ll be looking into that.

          Of course, the majority of the other folks on board the boat were couples. Some seemed to be surprised I was alone; and if asked, I told them my husband had passed away last August and this was my first venture without him. Response comments varied from, “So sorry.”, “You’re so brave.”, to “Good for you.”. Being a widow in instances like this can be very awkward…perhaps I should have just lied, but I’m a horrid liar…will have to share with you the why about this at some point.

ONLY BECAUSE...

I don’t want to miss a day since I said in the beginning, I would post something every single day of 2020.

          My cold seems to be worse today than yesterday, so I haven’t downloaded all the photos from my cruise. I haven’t begun to write any posts about my cruise. The only thing I have accomplished is laundry…only have to get off the couch every hour or so to switch washer/dryer and fold. This morning I went through all my emails and have come to the conclusion that there are a lot of them that I will unsubscribe to when I have more energy. I now wish I had counted before I began deleting, but there were a ton of them where I simply hit the delete button. Several attempts to sort them by “from” only resulted in Outlook freezing up, so instead of deleting en masse, it had to be one by one by one by one…you get the picture.

          Anyway, I’m so sorry I’m not posting a wonderful photo and brilliant (okay, maybe not that adjective) verbiage, but I’m going back to the couch…made me think of Elton John’s Yellow Brick Road…for now. I promise much better posts in the days to come…WITH PHOTOS!!!!