THE BILLS ARE PAID...FOR NOW

 

Well, I just finished paying the bills for April, including the property tax bill. There’s a part of me that feels good because the funds were there, and while they are now more or less nonexistent, at least the bills are all paid in full. But there’s another part of me that would like to see a high remaining balance, or at least way more than what’s in there now. 

Somehow, I always thought I would reach a point in my life where I wouldn’t need to worry or be concerned about having enough money to do whatever I want to do. Soon to begin my eighth decade, I’m pretty sure I’ll never reach a point where I can simply purchase whatever I want without having to consider just how I’ll pay for whatever that acquisition might be.

Once my grandmother moved to California when I was twelve years old, my mother began confiding in me rather than my dad her concerns about the family’s financial status. So, I began worrying at an early age about how the bills would get paid, how to rob Peter to pay Paul and vice-versa. I assumed somehow that once I was all grown up and responsible for just myself (or my family), those worries would no longer be present because I’d be in control.

Well, you know what they say about early programming…it sticks. So, throughout my entire life, regardless of the debits and credits in my financial life, I’ve continued to fret about having enough money to pay the bills, and never mind  having enough left over to do with as I choose. Even right now, with the bills paid and a small balance, I’ll move on to worry about future months and whatever expenses I incur. 

Provided nothing absolutely insane is activated by that asshole in DC, I’m pretty sure I have more than enough money to get me through the remainder of my life. There might even be a few dollars left for the kids and grandkids to share amongst themselves. So, why am I devoting even a moment (let alone this blog post) to thinking about having enough money? 

I would guess it was that early programming; and even were I to win a huge lottery (fat chance since I don’t purchase tickets), I’d still undoubtedly spend time and energy worrying about my potential for lack of funds. But for now, I can put aside that concern…at least for April.

POOR PITIFUL MOI

Please pardon me while I have a huge pity party. I have a wide variety of reasons as to why I’m feeling so down and depressed. My usual way of getting out of this pitiful valley of sorriness is to CHOOSE to not feel this way; however, there are times when the CHOOSE button seems to be frozen and doesn’t allow me to make a choice that would make me feel better. 

Only those of you who live alone will probably understand where I am right now. The house gets lonely, and while I have family and friends, it’s not like they are involved in my life on a daily basis. I deeply envy the friends I know who do have family and friends who do inhabit their lives daily. 

I’m convinced there has always been and will always be something seriously wrong with me. If that weren’t the case, then why am I feeling like this? Why isn’t my life full of family and friends who make more of an effort to be a bigger part of my life. And, okay, you’re thinking I could reach out to those folks, but I don’t feel as though I can. They have lives with their own families, jobs and interests. I’m simply not high on their important list and I don’t feel comfortable in trying to get myself placed higher on that list.

While in this valley of sorriness, I’ve been asking myself these questions:

1. When was the last time a family member invited me to have lunch or dinner, or participate in some activity? There hasn’t been an invitation that isn’t holiday- or birthday-oriented in years. True, when I ask for assistance (which I try not to do), family members respond affirmatively.

2. When was the last time a friend invited me to their home for lunch or dinner or to join them in some activity? And, okay, I do have two friends who are single like me. They do issue invitations which I accept and I issue invitations in return. I also have another friend who makes a weekly visit and does invite me to go out to lunch or dinner, but the other six days she is busy with her family and life. 

         Hopefully, residing in this valley of sorriness won’t last too long. It usually doesn’t, but let me tell you that being here sucks big time. There are so many days and hours wherein I see or speak to no one but Kuma. I guess over time this loneliness builds up until I sink down into the valley. 

        Now, having thought about and written this, I’m hoping that I can climb back out into the world, look around, count my blessings (because I do have blessings) and be grateful for them. 

DECISIONS ARE AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN UP TO ME

 

        Finally, after umpteen trips to the tire store to have my tires checked and reinflated, the young man who helped me this morning told me the right front tire has a nail in it. This tire was the reason my tire warning light kept coming on about every two weeks. The other three tires rarely needed to have air added, but the right front would be down by about ten pounds every time I made the trip.

This ongoing problem and the eventual solution (I have an appointment for Friday to have the nail removed.) took far too long. It made me wish I had a partner in my life who would attend to things like this. On the other hand, John never took care of my vehicle. He believed, and rightly so, that it was my responsibility to make sure my car was in good working order. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t check something if I asked, but if there was a problem, the solution to it was in my court.

This also brought to the forefront my need to get bids to have my fence either repaired or replaced. Things like this were always taken care of by John…after all, he was a handyman. Now, it’s up to me to get the bids and figure out how to proceed. I’ve been putting off calling the men who would come and give me bids for two reasons, i.e., I don’t want the responsibility and I don’t want to spend the money.

John never assumed any responsibility he believed was mine, and I was always so independent I never “leaned” on him for the solution to whatever problem I was experiencing. True, he would play devil’s advocate, but the eventual decision was up to me. I did and didn’t like that aspect of our partnership.

I was raised to be independent during a time when men were expected to take care of their women. Now, that’s not how it was in my family, but all the media devoted to young women growing up portrayed that ideal. Grown and married, I actually expected my husband to take care of me. When our first child arrived, that meant my working days were over and we were both now his responsibility. That rose-colored dream didn’t last very long at all and I was soon back to work and more or less supporting myself and my child. 

Of course, there’s a part of me that is extremely proud of how I’ve managed my life…how can I not be. On the other hand, there’s a part of me that has always loved the idea I could curl up in my husband’s lap and relinquish any responsibility for any part of my life…a silly impossible idea/dream.

So, I just need to face the facts I’ve faced time and time again during my entire life. If something needs to be addressed or accomplished, there is absolutely no point, no matter how desirable, in waiting around for someone else to provide a solution. Like it or not it has been and will continue to be my responsibility…as if I actually ever had another choice. 

MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE EVEN WHEN IT'S HARD

       Last November I turned seventy-nine. That means that this year I will be eighty. That fact and number seem to want to be at the forefront of my thoughts even though I don’t feel (most of the time) as though I’m going to be that fucking old. It’s those “most of the times” when I do feel so very old that are providing me with horrible thoughts about being so fucking old and so fucking near to death…as opposed to all the years before when death was in the far distant future.

Me, myself and I have conversations with each other about how we’re feeling, and yesterday and especially today, we’re not feeling the best. For some reason (I’m old???) during the night and waking up this morning, all my joints ached, not just ached, but hurt…a lot. Why, I have no idea, and even now, as I type this, my left wrist is not the least bit happy. 

What we are having a hard time understanding is how we can all go along and feel absolutely terrific and accomplish so many things on our “to-do” list without feeling the least bit tired or having a single ache or pain. Then, it’s like our good, healthy and active body hides in the closet and the body with all the aches, pains and unhappy thoughts jumps out from wherever it’s been hiding and takes control. 

We have no understanding of why this happens. How can we go to bed, have a great sleep and wake up feeling as though a giant has slept with us, hammering on each and every square inch of our body while we were unconscious is a mystery? What about those other days when we get up, raring to go and accomplish every single thing on our list to end the day feeling great and accomplished. 

Those of you who have followed me on my blog, or know me personally, know I am a great proponent of “I choose.” That is, I believe it’s up to me to “choose” how I’m feeling. If I want to feel great, then I have to “choose” to feel that way. If I want to accomplish a task or tasks, then it’s up to me to “choose” to get them done. This process seems to work for me most of the time, but on days like today when I feel tired and my body is so painful, it’s really hard to “choose” to do anything besides go back to bed. 

Seriously, it’s the fault of me and myself for not making the right choice…of that I’m totally convinced. So, once I finish this blog post, I am going to ignore me and myself and “choose” to kick my ass into gear and accomplish something, anything, that doesn’t include returning to bed for the day. Once dressed, Kuma is in serious need of a bally-ball session and I stated in my driftwood class that I was going to have my Captured Serpentine finished by next Tuesday. Plus, there’s that dish I want to make for dinner. So, aches, pains, doubtful thoughts can just go away because I’m CHOOSING to ignore them and get busy. 

I JUST DON'T GET IT.

 

      I’m sorry and perhaps I’m either too old or too stupid to understand what the hell is going on in the world. I try not to read or listen to the news, but it seems that the world is going to hell in a handbasket…a handbasket held by the man who is our president and who is supposed to look out for all Americans. That’s apparently not the truth.

Just now, I looked at my 401K and realized that I’d lost over two thousand dollars because of the tariffs our “supreme leader” has decided to charge our closest allies, Canada and Mexico. What’s with that? How can he promise to give the American people a great life and institute such tariffs which will only result in my (our) having to pay more at the grocery store, gas station or any other place where I (we) might spend money.

I realize I don’t have a Ph.D. and am not one of the best financial minds in the world, but just how does this idiot think what he’s doing is going to benefit the majority of Americans. The only result I can come to is that he doesn’t give a shit about the average American. He doesn’t care if people go hungry, lose their homes, or find it difficult to manage to live a reasonable life in this country. What is the matter with that man???

And, okay, I can see that the entire government might be just a bit humungous, but I’m not the government. I’m simply a senior citizen who has paid her dues over more than fifty years of her life. Now, as a retired person, I should be able to go to the grocery store or the gas station or even a travel agency and make purchases or plans that will enrich my life. That was what I was promised all those decades ago when I signed up to pay into social security. Still, no matter how overgrown the government may be, it should not affect my social security or the money that enters my account each month.

Whatever is going on in the world, I should still be able to buy what I need in order to survive a normal day, be it oats, power, gas or whatever. Again, what’s wrong with this stupid man that he thinks whatever he believes should be done, whatever he goes ahead and makes happen should have a negative impact on my life…or the lives of my children and grandchildren. 

I’m not a Rhodes Scholar, nor do I have a Ph.D. or even a degree from a four-year university, but I do believe I’m smart enough to understand what this idiot president (not the lower-case p) is in the process of doing. As I see it, he wants to be the dictator (again, lower case) of the entire world. Either that, or he wants to suck the teat of putin (again, lower case) while putting more money in his or other folks (folks who don’t give a rat’s ass about you and me) pockets. 

How did we get here? I simply don’t understand how this man (although a poor excuse he is for one) could hold such an important office and be able/capable of totally fucking over so many of us. I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand, no matter how I look at the entire picture. I also don’t know if there’s an answer that isn’t provided by not one, but two bullets…one each for the p and vp. 

It’s sad, very sad, and I have to admit, I’m sorry I’ve lived long enough to see what was once a great country come to such an ignominious end.

TIME TO GET GARDENING!!!

 

      I want the sun to return. And, okay, I know it comes back every single day beginning with the sunrise. What I’m talking about is having the sun in the sky without any clouds to obscure its shine and heat. I absolutely loved those days last week when it was warm enough to go without a coat and it felt and smelled like spring.

Part of the reason I want the sun to return is that I’m itching to get outside and do more in the garden. I did a lot last week, i.e., raked up all the leaves, had Haley empty all my flowerpots into the garden and raked the dirt in, lined up the pots in the driveway so the rain (again, okay, I needed the rain we’ve had) could wash them fairly clean before I spray them with vinegar to kill off any potentially unwanted pests, and pretty much completely took care of one end of the yard. I was tired and sore, but it felt GREAT!!!

Another reason I want the warmth and sun is so I can continue my gardening. Every year I say I’m not going to grow tomatoes or anything else in the next year. Then, when spring is on the way, I get busy thinking about and planning what I’m going to grow for the upcoming season. I’ve tried using my age as an excuse to not do any of this, but somehow, I believe that as long as I’m able to do this, I should do it. 

I am afraid, however, that I’m letting the fact I’ll be eighty by the end of the year sort of blind me to my actual capabilities. At night in bed, it’s so easy to believe the pain I’m experiencing in various parts of my anatomy will keep me from accomplishing what I need/want to accomplish the following day. It also seems so easy to concentrate on the fact I’m OLD, rather than on the fact I’m still quite capable of achieving set goals. They say you’re only as old as you feel and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Most of the time I don’t think about being as old as I am; and during the day when the majority of my aches and pains are far less noticeable, I do feel as though I’m quite capable of completing any task I set myself. All I need is to make a plan and follow it through to completion, and I do have a plan.

Tomorrow, Costco will begin selling bags of dirt for a lesser price. I’ve held off my C-shopping so I can go and get everything, including six to eight bags of dirt. True, the bags are heavy, but I’ve managed before, plus, I think it was last year, some nice man saw me moving those bags and offered his assistance…and, yes, I took it. I even had one of the C-men push my cart to my car and load the bags for me. So, if worse comes to worse, I can stand there and look OLD and FEEBLE until help is offered.

Facebook recently had a post by a Garden Lovers’ Club which was free to join…so I joined. Already I’ve found a couple of their articles extremely helpful and cannot wait to give a couple of them a try, especially the container planting. I’ve never been very successful with container planning of flowers, but watching that gardener illustrate and explain what he was doing…well, I think I can do that. 

Anyway, age aside, I’m excited for spring, for planting and growing, and watching my hard efforts come to eventual fruition. If all goes as I’m planning, I’ll be posting some photos and bragging about my success. All I need now is for the sun to return to a bright blue sky and bring some heat.

 

      My little whirlwind of entertaining was completed last night. Amazingly, I’m not exhausted and I believe both events went very well, even though I seemed to be horribly disorganized for the first one.

In any case, the baked potato soup, taco salad and German chocolate cake were a hit with all attendees on Saturday. There was one serving left of the soup for Thor to take home, no taco salad, and I sent home pieces of cake with two guests, most of the remainder home with Thor and saved a couple of pieces for both myself and a friend who likes German chocolate cake. I think everyone had a good time…and I know I definitely did. I’m also sure my home rejoiced in having so many voices and so much laughter in house.

Last night’s dinner with AJ’s best friend from high school and AJ and his family also was a great success. I made spicy chicken and was worried for a bit because my BBQ ran out of juice. But I simply brought the chicken kebabs back inside and cooked them in my Ninja grill…they turned out just fine. Again, having folks around the table and being highly amused by AJ and Andy reminiscing about their school days and beyond was wonderful. I learned things I didn’t know that Andy and AJ had done back in the day…and am grateful I didn’t know them back then or I’d be totally white-headed. 

Now my calendar will revert to the usual, i.e., exercise classes, visitation with a good friend most Wednesdays and Fridays with an occasional lunch or dinner thrown in. That’s perfectly okay and who knows but the success of these two events and having a squeaky-clean house just may end up being a new normal for me. Time will tell, although spring is on its way and the garden will be calling my name on a fairly regular basis. Still, the memories from these two events will provide encouragement for future ones…maybe on the deck or in the garden.