DEPRESSED AM I

 

I know I’m a great proponent of being optimistic and believe it’s up to me to CHOOSE how I feel each day. I also don’t believe I “should” do anything, but that I will or won’t, can or cannot. I also know that while I try ever so hard to keep to those beliefs, there are days where depression hovers over and descends like a huge fluffy cloud to make it impossible to CHOOSE what I SHOULD choose for myself. Yes, today I am horribly depressed, but perhaps writing about it will help me become strong enough to CHOOSE to blow this huge and ugly cloud away.

You traveled the week with me and my tooth difficulties, and yesterday I felt so much better. I also knew that taking Percocet for the four days I did could cause me to become depressed because that is one of the side-affects. What I didn’t take into consideration is the fact this is December and Christmas, one of the supposedly happiest days of the year is just 20 days away.

A friend pointed out last night something I already knew I was going to have to implement…a two-week quarantine where I see absolutely no one because I spent at least six hours in a potentially COVID transmission area on Wednesday. So, except for a trip to the grocery store, gloved and masked, I will be here alone for the next two weeks or more.

Add to that the fact there will be no Christmas decorations in or on my house this year. The huge boxes the kids usually pull down from the attic will remain there. I will not host Christmas Eve dinner and watch my grandkids open their gifts with all the excitement and joy that entails. I will get up Christmas morning knowing I will remain at home all day, that the annual Christmas brunch at AJ’s and Angie’s will not happen. I will be alone and very lonely.

There won’t even be the pleasure of buying and wrapping gifts. Instead, I will purchase Visa gift cards for each member of my family, place them in Christmas cards and deliver to their homes with no contact on Christmas Eve day. No hugs or kisses or delight in hearing what they plan to do with their gift card. I probably won’t even hear what they used the gift cards to purchase…a totally without any pleasure for me gift from me to them.

Tears are leaking down my cheeks as I type this up. Perhaps a good hard cry will make me feel better. I don’t know. All I do know right now if that life doesn’t look so wonderful or special or good or even worth having to a degree. Life right now just seems hard and lonely and depressed. COVID (and Percocet) have pulled any joy, current or potential right out of my life.

I’m telling myself this is only temporary, that my life will get better, but today there is a huge part of me that’s responding with, “Who the fuck do you think you’re kidding? You’re alone and lonely. Life sucks and there’s really no point in doing anything whatsoever because nothing actually matters.” Today, I don’t have a response for that other part of me besides, “I know.” I cannot even tell myself with any depth of belief that, “It will get better. Just give it some time.” Yes, today life as I know it really does suck, but there is a teeny-tiny part of me somewhere deep down that is raising a very small flag of hope. I’m going to picture that teeny-tiny flag getting larger and larger even though at the moment it is miniscule.  I’m sure (sorta) tomorrow will be a better day.

THE TOOTH SAGA ENDS

 

Yesterday, I took y’all’s advice and chatted with a Kaiser MD online as well as with the endodontist’s office. Because of the chest pain, I was encouraged to go to Urgent Care on Capitol Hill. My neighbor Kathy very kindly drove me there and was prepared to wait until I could be sent home. After an hour or so, the RN told me I’d be there for hours so I should encourage my friend to leave the potentially COVID-blessed area and return home. I did and she did.

It’s really hard to describe the pain, but it began in the back of my throat and traveled down my esophagus to a couple of inches below the little indentation in my throat. If I breathed very shallowly, it didn’t hurt much, but if I took a deep breath, on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst, the pain was an 8 or 9.

I won’t bore you with the various things they tried, but none of them worked well. The pain could be knocked back to about a 6, but that was it. I had a couple of EKGs and the results were good…my heart is fine. I had a chest x-ray and they saw a “nodule” on that so wanted a CT scan. That was hard because they wanted me to take deep breaths and hold them. The CT scan showed the one nodule and I was told not to be too concerned, but should touch base with my MD and make arrangements to keep a watch to make sure it continues to be nothing.

Before my final paragraph, let me say the nurses and doctors at Kaiser’s Urgent Care were wonderful. They took good care of me, kept me informed and tried very hard to figure out why I was having this pain. If they treat all their patients the way they treated me, and I’m sure they do, they should all be awarded big gold stars or whatever kind of recognition they deserve for doing their jobs in an excellent and very kind way.

Finally, they released me, just in time for son AJ to pick me up on his way home. The only problem was I still had the pain. It was still about a 6. I wasn’t happy that there was no resolution. Plus, I was starving. At home, I ordered a pizza and AJ went to pick it up. I could only eat two pieces, but they were very yummy. I took Tylenol and went to bed about 9:30 pm. I slept well and this morning there is very little pain. I still feel tired, but the pain has left and I’m very happy about that. The only thing I can attribute the pain to is having my mouth held open and stretched as much as possible for more than an hour. I guess it must have been all the muscles and tendons in my mouth and neck revolting.

Thanks for hanging in there with me through the last week…it’s really been a week this tooth has taken out of my life and that sucks. The next time I need a root canal, I’m going to have them remove the tooth. Hopefully that won’t happen too often or I’ll end up being one of those toothless old hags you see now and then. Better toothless than full of pain I say.

THE PAIN CONTINUES

Extremely unhappy to report this morning that the pain has NOT been totally alleviated. In fact, this morning it was the worst it’s been. I did have a root canal yesterday afternoon and felt pretty good once the Novocain wore off. Then I went to bed and found it almost impossible to sleep. I’m wondering if it was the epinephrine in the Novocain that kept me awake. In any case, I dozed off now and then, but no long-term sleep.

I got up about 6:00 am and let the dogs out, made myself a latte and moved to the couch, hoping I could fall asleep there. Instead, the pain returned and was more widespread than before. My lower left jaw hurt, the back of my throat hurt and so did my chest. I actually wondered if I was having a heart attack, but it only hurt when I took deep breaths.

At about 8:00 am, I took a Percocet and waited to see what would happen. The pain lessened and I made myself some oatmeal with cranberry sauce and ate. Right now, as I type this, I’m feeling spacey because of the Percocet, but the pain has lessened a lot.

The endodontist did say that when he got into the tooth, there was evidence it was going bad, so he did the root canal on the right tooth. Both he and his assistant told me there would be some discomfort for up to a week, that I should chew on the right side, and that Tylenol should take care of any pain I had. They also told me to call if I experienced any problems. I’m not quite ready to call his office or to go on line with Kaiser. If it returns in four hours or so, then I’ll call one or the other and seek advice.

In talking to other people who have had root canals, they were better immediately and that’s not happening for me, at least for this morning. So, instead of getting caught up on stuff around the house, going for a walk, doing my exercises, I am going to again retire to the couch with the doggies and see what happens this afternoon.

Wouldn’t it be amazing if I had something else going on as well, but aside from the pain when I breathe, there aren’t any other symptoms of anything like strep throat. And, isn’t it amazing how I turned 75, was horribly ill from my Shingles shot that day and have now spent an equal amount of days being 75 and feeling great and being 75 and not great at all?

          This really has to stop. I’m trying very hard to stay positive and not become depressed, but today, this morning, I feel like Sisyphus trying to push that boulder back up the mountain.
 

THE END IS NIGH

 

Extremely happy to report this morning that the pain has been alleviated by about 80-90%. This is due to the antibiotic doing its job. The issue will be totally alleviated this afternoon when I have a root canal. My only other issue is that I’m feeling soooooooooooooooo tired. Once I have some breakfast, I may just go back to bed and sleep some more.

Anyway, hoping to bring my blog back to Luke and Hannah tomorrow or the next day. Thanks for hanging in there with me through this wonderful tooth experience.

BAD TOOTH, BAD BAD TOOTH

 

So, today as I write this, I’m hoping my phone will ring and it will be the dentist’s office. My best friend, Claudia, has a daughter that’s a dentist and I wish she were mine because she saw two emergency patients this past weekend. Unfortunately, she practices in Oakland CA, so that doesn’t do me much good.

To pass the time without a lot of movement, I’ve been watching TV and am almost finished with season two of Travelers. I almost quit watching last night because that make-believe world came down with a horrible, no cure virus that was beginning to run rampant in the world...sound familiar??? Fortunately, it’s fiction, so they came up with a cure before the 45-minute episode was over. Since I’ll most likely end up on the couch again today, I expect I’ll finish watching the series.

I really resent having a toothache, or any illness for that matter, because who knows how many days I have left in this life. Having to give up three of them, and maybe more, just makes me furious. On the other hand, I’ve watched some good television and am trying to look at this horrid experience in a more positive way.

So, cross your fingers for me, light a candle, rub Buddha’s belly, do a toothache go away dance, or use whatever method you prefer to send me positive thoughts and prayers and whatever else it’s going to take to fix this. I’m way more than ready and poor Luke and Hannah are feeling abandoned. So sorry.

TOOTHACHE CONTINUED

 

Nothing today beyond this short post. I just had a live computer chat with an MD at Kaiser and he’s calling in a prescription for penicillin which my granddaughter will pick up for me. If this isn’t a tooth gone bad…any songs about something like that???...I don’t know what else it could be. The MD agreed with my self-diagnosis…just call me Dr. paula.

I called my dentist’s ER number and left messages twice yesterday, but there has been no response. Why have an ER number if it’s not monitored???

I’m so grateful I didn’t toss John’s Percocet since it’s the only thing…and ice packs…that’s making life bearable right now. His prescription says to take three per day and he was much bigger than me, but I’m taking one about every four hours which is when the pain begins to intrude in a much more painful manner. I don’t much like the way it makes me feel, i.e., kinda out of it, removed from reality, about 105 years old because I’m being so careful getting around…do not want to add injury to insult by falling on my ass or some other part of my anatomy.

But the dentist office will be open tomorrow morning, and hopefully, she’ll take care of me immediately. If not, I’ll be looking for dentist recommendations.

Meanwhile, it will be another day on the couch with the doggies watching TV…have seen all of Queen’s Gambit and working on Travelers now. I really hate losing not one, but two entire days to doing nothing but laying down, stumbling around and reading. Seriously, the way I’m feeling, I should be put into a nursing home and I think I’d be the kind of patient they’d love to have…quiet, withdrawn, unable to make any kind of trouble.

So, y’all have a very nice day; and hopefully, Luke and Hannah can return on Tuesday.

TOOTHACHE

 

Yesterday, Friday, I wondered if the pain I was feeling in my left lower jaw could be a toothache. It went away for a while, but returned and while the pain is more of a discomfort, I DO NOT want it to become horribly painful. It is very reminiscent of an abscessed tooth I had decades ago. I was miserable. It was so painful I threw up.

I first went to the emergency room and the doctor there (I still remember he greatly resembled a cadaver) told me I had a huge canker sore on the very back of my tongue and that was my problem. Well, about 12-18 hours later, the nerve in that tooth came to life. It was NOT a canker sore, but a really bad tooth.

For a solid week, I had to see the dentist every single day so he could open up the tooth and release the pressure from the abscess. Meanwhile I was taking antibiotics and codeine for the pain. Thor was a baby then and if he’d been more mobile, he could have crawled out the door and I’d not have noticed a thing. I think that’s also about the time he stopped nursing…the meds must have tainted my milk. That was a real disappointment because I planned on nursing him forever as in, “Excuse me, but could you let Thor Karlberg know his mommy is here with his lunch.” Just imagine how embarrassing that would have been in high school.

I’ve called my dentist’s emergency number and left a message. I’m hoping they call soon. I also have John’s Percocet if the pain becomes unbearable; however, I have a low tolerance for pain meds, so I just might end up wandering around here without any idea of who I am or what I’m doing. Won’t that be fun. Probably even more fun if I decide to take a drive. While I’m still cognizant, it amuses me to think of the state police calling my sons, “Excuse me Mr. Karlberg, but we have a woman in custody who may be related to you. She’s over here in Spokane, has no idea who she is or where she is. What would you like us to do?” I suppose they’d claim me, but it would be the stuff of family tales and laughs forever.

I began a new chapter of Water Rights yesterday, but didn’t get it finished. I don’t know if I’ll finish it today or not. Just sitting here typing, the left side of my face is becoming more and more painful. Did I say it even hurts to breath through my nose. I think it’s time to have some cheerios and a Percocet.