SO SAD

           Some days it’s so easy to feel sorry for myself. It seems like everyone I know is busy getting on with their lives while I’m just sitting by the side of the road like some tossed away piece of garbage. And, okay, I’m still sick with this horrid cold and haven’t been to exercise and didn’t walk this morning because it’s so gray and pouring down rain outside. So, there’s reason for feeling sorry for myself, but it really really sucks. 

          Some days it’s difficult to look at what has been accomplished rather than what’s left to do. And, okay it is the Christmas season when I’m writing this, so there’s lots left on the “to do” list. This isn’t a new tradition for me because John was unable to do any shopping or getting about for the last several years. So, everything I’m doing or have done so far isn’t something new that’s been added to my list. The only one whose list got shorter is the older son because this year he won’t have to go buy whatever his dad thinks I should have as a gift and then wrap and deliver it.  

          Just this morning, I completed the remaining four certificates I’m giving as gifts to the grandkids and their parents. Each one is different and is for a different gift. They were fun to make, so why am I not concentrating on a big feeling of accomplishment rather than just feeling ho hum.  

          I’m also not patting myself on the back for the donations I’ve made to several charities nor for the stuffed animals and toys I’ve purchased for the Toys for Tots program. I just need to drop them off today. Plus, with one exception, I think I’ve finished the Christmas gift shopping.  

          I guess I need to stop typing about how sorry I am for myself and proceed to write up a list of ALL the stuff I’ve accomplished and then pat myself heartily on the back for each and every one while saying, “Good job, Paula, good job.” 

          I’ll let you know if it works.

THANKSGIVING 2019

Well, perhaps it was very selfish of me, but I had the best Thanksgiving in 74 years. I didn’t have to go anywhere and I didn’t have to entertain anyone. Perhaps my sons felt abandoned, but it was just something I simply needed to do for myself.

I bought what had to be the most expensive turkey I’ve ever purchased. It was very small, but I wanted to have only the things I like about Thanksgiving dinner the most. So, I had a baked turkey, dressing, gravy, cranberry sauce and dill pickles. I ate one entire leg all by myself…okay, it wasn't all that big and the doggies got a few bites. I had turkey sandwiches for a couple of days and then cleaned the little turkey and made Turkey Tortilla Soup for myself. I still had enough breast for one more sandwich. Also think this is the first time ever I’ve managed to do away with an entire turkey without putting some in the freezer. And, okay, I did toss the carcass, but I’ve never ever liked turkey soup, no matter the recipe. 

          The doggies and I curled up on the couch together; and over the course of the day, I binge-watched a program I’d been wanting to watch for months. I did take time to call my sons and their families and wish them all a Happy Thanksgiving, so, I hope I’m forgiven for not joining their families for dinner or dessert. 

          I simply needed this day all to myself.

LONG-TERM FRIENDSHIP

        

I’m happy I found out how to schedule my blog posts because I’m leaving town for a couple of days.. What you’ll read in the next few days are posts I wrote last November/December. There are only a couple left and then it’s on to new subjects that are more relevant to what’s happening today.

I’m going to drive south to Elma Washington. My good friend Dianne lives there and she is a widow as well. We’ve been friends for almost 50 years. I think AJ was about two when she moved to Seattle to live with my sister and work in the federal building downtown. Besides my sister and their two gay roommates, she didn’t know a soul in Seattle except for me and that was only because of my sister.

          We became fast friends before she decided to return home to Montesano. But, John and I (and AJ) really liked Dianne and over time we got to know her much better and then the man who came into her life, Wild Bill. Actually, he wasn’t really wild, we just liked to call him that.

          Bill owned a dairy farm with his dad and brother on the Wynoochee River. John and I began to go to the farm every Memorial Day, July 4^th and Labor Day weekends. There was always a big potluck (Dianne’s family is huge and they sort of adopted the Karlbergs); and we enjoyed ourselves immensely. John and AJ even went down a time or two to help Bill and his family with farm work. I had a job and couldn’t go. Somewhere in there Dianne and Bill had a daughter, Misty.

Eventually the dairy farm was sold and Dianne and Bill bought some land outside Elma. They built what was to be Bill’s shop (in about 20 years); and I remember one weekend, John wired the whole place for electricity so Dianne could use her washer and dryer and have hot water. This amazing woman did all her cooking on a wood stove, including canning the vegetables she grew, fish they caught, etc. You never went hungry when visiting them; plus, we never ever left without milk or vegetables or something they’d produced on their farm.

          In 1979, John and I had been trying for five years to have another child. Dianne had just had her second daughter, Brie, the previous January.

“You’ll get pregnant when you come down here.” Dianne predicted. “Everyone around here is pregnant. It must be something in the water.”  

So, down we went for Memorial Day weekend as we always did. We slept in our 1970 VW Camper; and it must have been the water because when we went back on July 4^th, I was pregnant with Thor. Dianne seemed a little distracted and I remember telling John she didn’t seem too excited about my pregnancy. Well, Labor Day weekend, I learned the reason for Dianne's distraction...she had gotten pregnant that weekend too and Brie wasn’t even six months old then. Pretty big shock.

Dianne gave birth to a boy, Reese, five days before I gave birth to Thor. For years, John and I and the boys went down to the farm. When they could (which wasn’t often because of horses, cows, crops, etc.) they’d come visit us. Thor would spend a week with Reese in the summer and Reese would spend a week with us.

We had so many good times, meals, adventures, that I have a plethora of memories that include all of us. I could fill pages and pages with those memories, some that would make you howl with laughter, some that would touch your heart, some that are almost unbelievable and each and every one would include both Bill and John.

Since Bill died, the visits have been infrequent and different and now, they‘ll become different again. Like me, Dianne is a strong woman and when Bill died after a long illness, she continued on with her life, maybe not as she’d originally planned, but she continued just as I am now. The two of us continue to have so much in common it amazes me.

I am so looking forward to seeing Dianne (and her family) the next couple of days. I’m looking forward to sharing laughter, food, memories and quite possibly some tears. But, most of all, I’m looking forward to making a new memory, perhaps bittersweet in some fashion, that’s just the two of us “old” widows.

THE SILLIEST THINGS…

can make you sad. Today, (in November) the Gethsemani Farms catalog arrived in the mail. This year I won’t look through it at all because it will make me even more sad. I always ordered John a fruitcake (even though all the carbs and sugar weren’t in his diet plan). But seriously, when you reach a certain age, what kind of gifts are the most satisfying…the ones you can put in your mouth. 

               True, I’d have a small slice or two, but it was never my favorite. This year, Gethsemani Farms can remove me from their mailing list. The first Christmas tradition to be eliminated because John won’t be here.

I'M SICK

        

 It's very rare I become ill with the flu, a cold or anything else, but late one Thursday night, my nose began to run and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't catch it. I hoped it was allergies, but no, it wasn't. I began my regimen of Airborne and zinc lozenges before I went to bed. 

I woke Friday morning with a sore, scratchy throat, a horrible taste in my mouth from the zinc, and before too long, I couldn’t do much of anything but blow my nose. I tried to do a few things, but was just miserable.

          I missed John so much. He would always make sure I had water/juice, fix me chicken noodle soup and/or toasted cheese sandwiches, tapioca pudding, and check to make sure I was alive when I felt as though I was surely going to die. I texted with a few people, and talked to two others to cancel the plans we had for Saturday…it was obvious to me I wouldn’t be going anywhere.

          And, okay, I managed just fine. I made my own soup and sandwiches but didn’t bother with the pudding. I began binge watching The Crown, and the doggies stayed on the couch with me and kept me warm. When the time came for my usual gin at the end of the day, I substituted a couple hot toddies over a period of a few hours and those made me feel much better.

          Still, a kind word from someone in the house, a hug, pat or just reassurance I’d feel better soon would have been very much appreciated…those damn doggies simply won’t learn to speak English. Finally, I’m very grateful I’m still able to take care of myself in situations like this…can’t really ask for much more I believe.

CRAB

Something both John and I loved was fresh cracked crab. I have many memories of eating crab with him.

 The first one that pops up in my memory occurred before Mt. St. Helens blew her top. Seven months pregnant with AJ, we borrowed a camper that belonged to his mother’s friend. We drove around the state and eventually went to the ocean. John hated the ocean and sand and only went there to please me. Before we headed inland, we bought fresh crab and found a place on Spirit Lake that would allow us to camp overnight. This location no longer exists.

          I’m sure the other campers would have liked to shoot us or do something that would have eliminated our presence. We arrived after dark. The camper we’d borrowed had a generator, so John put it to work. We sat at a table and cracked our crabs and ate them with fresh melted butter and crackers. They were absolutely delicious.

          Years later, my parents found a place on Highway 99 that had an all you can eat crab night fairly often. I cannot remember how many times my parents, John, AJ and I went to this place. We’d bring our own nutcrackers, scissors, picks and anything else that would help us remove that delectable delicacy from its shell. It was such fun and a very enjoyable time with my family. Eventually I think the place closed (too much cheap crab maybe) and this pleasure stopped. 

        

          John and I still loved crab; and whenever there was a sale, I’d buy a couple and we’d gorge ourselves at our own dinner table. The crab, fresh melted butter and crackers were like manna from heaven. We loved it. And, I believe AJ, having his first crab in utero and later with his wonderful grandfather, loves this delightful and difficult treat as well. While he isn’t eager to crack crab, he does love a dish I make with crab, hardboiled eggs, cheese and a few other ingredients.

          It wasn’t all that many months ago that John and I each ate a crab with butter and crackers together. I noticed then he wasn’t as quick to crack his crab and gave him a hand when I’d finished cracking mine. He also was unable to eat his entire portion. It made me rather sad to see his pleasure in something he loved diminished.

In the sale paper that came last Tuesday, I noticed QFC was having a sale on fresh crab. I bought a smallish one and last night I ate crab for dinner. Instead of sitting at the table with a warmer keeping the butter ready, I stood at the sink and cracked my crab. Once done, I melted some butter in a small dish and ate my crab dipped in the butter and placed on a soda cracker. In between bites, I had a bit of gin to wash it down. I enjoyed my crab (and gin), but not as much as if John had been seated at the table with me cracking his own crab.

          Another shared enjoyment that’s become a singular enjoyment. Really good, but not quite as good as when I shared it with John or my family.

EXCITED…WITH SOME TREPEDATION

Once again, I’m deviating from the posts I wrote last fall because today is a RED-LETTER DAY!!! I have made, confirmed and paid for a round trip plane ticket to Ft. Lauderdale Florida. Once there, I’ll board the ms Zuiderdam for a seven-day Caribbean cruise. Now I only need to decide and pay for whichever shore excursions I choose. I haven’t read the excursion brochure yet, but know the ship will stop at Half Moon Cay, Bahamas; Grand Turk, Turks and Ciacos; Amber Cove, Dominion Republic; and Key West Florida. I. AM. SO. EXCITED!!!!

          I am also feeling just a wee bit of trepidation. Actually, while I’ve never seen the movie Gravity with Sandra Bullock, how I’m feeling is kinda like I’m untethered in space. Why, I cannot actually determine. It’s not like I don’t have a passport. It’s not like I haven’t travelled in the past. John and I did quite a bit of travelling when we were young and then went to Kenya and China in the early 2000s. I even went on a Costa Rican tour all by myself not that many years ago.

          Still, somehow, this time it feels different and there are different logistics I’ll need to deal with. I believe I’ve found a house/doggie sitter who will take care of things here while I’m gone. I won’t have to make sure someone is checking in on John first thing in the morning and last thing at night, or calling him myself. I’ll need to find a way to and from the airport since John won’t be driving me. I’m sure one of the kids will do it, but my plane back doesn’t arrive until 2:15 am and I’m not going to keep anyone up that late.

          Thinking about it, I guess the word untethered pretty much says it all. I’m going on my own, just me, myself and I. I won’t be part of a tour group with someone shepherding me around and promoting face time with other guests. So, it’s up to me, myself and I to make sure I have an absolutely positively wonderful splendid time. If Me isn’t out there smiling and making friends and engaging in new experiences, then Myself can take over and lead the way; and if both of them decide they want to remain in the stateroom, then I will have to take charge…I can do that!!!

          SO. EXCITED. AM. I...okay, me and myself too!!!!