SLEEPLESSNESS

 

          Every so often, I have a horrible sleepless night. I go to bed and expect to go to sleep after I read a bit or watch some old program on TV. Hours later I’m still wide awake. Numerous times, I’ve turned the light off and on, read another chapter, or run through channels in the hope of finding an old and mundane program that will allow my eyes to slam shut. Nothing works.

          The way my body feels beneath the covers reminds me of taking speed in my hippie days. Those criss-cross pills kept me awake and electrified my entire body. That’s what I wanted back then, but not tonight. Now, I take sleep aids which, on these difficult nights, seem to have no effect whatsoever.

          I toss and turn, try to find a comfortable position all to no avail. No matter how my body is positioned, something hurts, itches, cramps or jerks as if I have no control over whatever part of me thats affected. Besides, when I do find a position that seems as though it’s going to work, that’s when whatever door in my brain hides the monsters I’d much rather ignore bursts open and allows them to erupt out of whatever portion of my mind they inhabit.

          The first fiend is always how lonely I feel, even though Kuma’s warmth is pressed against me. The idea I’ll never ever feel another body adjacent, skin to skin, legs entangled, arms wrapped around each other is dispiriting. I long for the sound of my husband’s breath, even his snoring. My inability to reach out and feel his heartbeat beneath my hand leaves me feeling like I’m alone in space without a tether.

          Frustration at my inability to go to sleep comes and goes as the minutes turn into hours and always increases my heart rate. My head hurts and makes me to wonder if I’m having a stroke, or even a heart attack. This is always followed by thoughts of how long it would be before someone found me, dead or paralyzed. My car doesn’t leave the garage every day, and I don’t always go out and about the neighborhood. There are days where I don’t talk, text, or see another person. These thoughts are scary and also cause my heart to beat faster, which only increases my frustration.

          It also seems like when the door holding these thoughts opens and allows them to run amuck, I contemplate various past events or actions. This leads to wondering what I could have or should have done differently. It’s ridiculous to even think about that because they are all in the past and there’s absolutely nothing now that could change a single thing. It’s an exercise in futility. Still, these revisitations are always uncomfortable and add to my irritation and exasperation.

          Ordinarily, I don’t get up and resort to some activity. This morning that changed. I thought perhaps if I allowed the thoughts to flow out through my fingers, I might feel better. I’m not sure I do. My eyes are dry and tired. My body aches in so many places just sitting in this chair is uncomfortable. I’m exhausted and angry.

Most normal mornings at this time, I get up and go to the bathroom; then return to bed for another couple hours of sleep. I wonder if I do that now if sleep will finally come. A couple of hours would be better than none. I wonder if instead I should just make myself a latte, turn on the living room TV and dispiritedly welcome the day. Whichever choice I make, I know today will be difficult because I am so disheartened and fatigued.

My inability to sleep was not a conscious choice, but how I’m going to face today definitely is. Whatever selection I make, i.e., return to bed or stay up will lead inevitably to my day…whether it will be horrible, well, it's up to me to choose.