SORRY...

 

there’s no continuing chapter of WATER RIGHTS today. I was just so very busy having so much fun yesterday, I never got around to sitting at the computer and writing. I’ll try very hard today to not have any fun whatsoever.

And, if you believe any of the preceding paragraph, I have a huge chunk of Pacific beach available in Arizona. I’ll sell it cheap. Let me know if you’re interested.

WATER RIGHTS, CHAPTER 11, SURPRISING NEWS

           When Hannah began to climb from the depths of sleep, she felt so warm and secure and happy. Then, her memory took all that from her as the fact of her gramps’ death and Luke’s betrayal took front and center in her mind. Her first reaction was to roll over and pull her pillow over her head. That didn’t work because she could hear her gramps saying, “You can’t be doin’ that Han. You got some hungry workers to feed. You gotta be good to them so they’ll stay on and help you. C’mon Han, you’re my strong girl. Git moving.”

          So, Hannah got up, took a quick shower, thankful as always that she didn’t have to fool with her hair beyond pinning her braid on top of her head. Dressed in work clothes that still fit, although maybe a bit more snuggly than they had the week before, she went downstairs and started breakfast.

           By the time Joe and Dave came into the mud room and began to wash up, the bacon was done, coffee ready and all Hannah had to do was pour the scrambled eggs into the bowl. Over breakfast, the three of them talked about the ranch work that needed to be accomplished that day and in the days beyond. She learned Luke had been a good boss and that he’d followed gramps’ instructions to the letter. Since she’d helped out for years and years, it didn’t take her long to become knowledgeable enough about what she needed plan for.

          “Okay, so the two of you are going to go to the huckleberry canyon and find the cattle that have made it a home. Gramps already had you put up a little corral to keep them in until we need to make the big push.”

          Both men agreed and Hannah continued, “Sounds to me like we’re going to have to make the roundup in a couple of weeks, but we’re going to need additional hands to make it successful. Just how many do you think I should try to find in town? And, I know the going rate of pay, but I’d like to give the two of you a little bonus for staying and working now that it’s just me in charge.”

          “You don’t need to do that Miz. Hannah.” Joe responded. Your gramps and Luke and even you have been really good to us. I don’t think I’ve ever worked a place besides this one where the food is so good and well made. I never leave your table hungry.” Dave nodded his head in agreement.

          “Thank you Joe, Dave. I appreciate the compliments, but I want to increase your wages. Since you’ve been here for a while and I won’t be able to be everyplace at once, I’m going to make you my two right hands. What you say will be as coming from me when I’m not with you. Does that sound okay to you?”

          Both men nodded, thanked her again and pushed away from the table. “Thanks for breakfast.” Dave said, while Joe said, “We’ll be heading out as soon as the horses are saddled.”

          “I made your lunches and they’re in the mud room on the shelf as always. And, one other thing,” Hannah said, pushing back her own chair. “Gramps’ lawyer was here yesterday and asked me to come into his office today. So once, I get the kitchen cleaned up I’ll be heading into town. I’ll get some dinner started or at least do the preparation before I go, so we’ll eat as always at 6:00 or 7:00, whichever time you guys get back. Is there anything either of you would like me to pick up in town. I’m going to have to stop by the grocery and feed stores.” Joe asked for some of the red licorice he seemed to be addicted to while Dave told her he didn’t need a thing.

          Hannah didn’t bother to dress to go into town. She went as she always had in her boots, jeans, shirt and hat. She added dark glasses so if people just had to offer their sorries and give her a hug or a pat, she’d be able to keep her misty eyes from view. She actually wondered why the attorney wanted to see her since the ranch was in a trust, but she’d find out when she got there. Couldn’t be anything too terribly important she was sure.

          She parked the truck by the feed store because what she needed from there would be the heaviest. She wondered if she should be carrying heavy things in her condition and decided she’d have to go online and read up about pregnancy. She had a ton of questions and worries and no one with whom to share them. For a moment her shoulders slumped and she felt as though her life was simply going to be too much for her to handle. Once again, gramps spoke in her head, “Han, you just take it an hour at a time and before you know it, you’ll have another day under your belt. No need to rush Han.”

          So, Hannah straightened her shoulders and strode back toward the lawyer’s office. Once there, she stepped through the door and told the young woman, actually a classmate of hers and the attorney’s daughter, Celia, “I’m here to see your dad. He asked me to come by today.”

          Ceilia had never been one of her tormentors, but they’d never become real friends either. As Celia pushed back from the desk, saying, “I’ll let dad know you’re here,” Hannah noticed her belly.

          “Oh, you’re expecting.”

          “Yes, just a few more months to go. Ted and I didn’t plan on starting a family so soon after we married, but Mother Nature doesn’t always participate in your plans, so we’ll be having our boy in January. I’ll be right back.”

          “Congratulations on your marriage and your baby.” Hannah said to Celia’s retreating back. She wondered if Celia would be interested in discussing pregnancy and babies. Then, she shook her head because she knew she’d probably be far too shy to bring up the subjects, especially since she didn’t have a husband. She could already hear some of the town folk talking about how she’d shamed her family by getting herself pregnant by that no-good Luke. Not that they’d know for sure it was Luke, but who else could it have been. That’s what they’d think and Hannah was determined to not ever answer any questions about her baby’s father.

          Celia came back and said, “Dad’s on a phone call, so it will be a few minutes. Thank you for the congrats. I really should have invited you to the wedding, but we kept it kinda small. To be truthful, Ted and I got a little carried away graduation night. It was worth it and we would have married eventually, but we’re trying to look at it as starting our family early and being kids with them as they grow.”

          “Well, you and Ted were going together back when I showed up in town all those years ago. I figured you’d get married at some point. How’s it all going?”

          “It’s a bit difficult because Ted really wanted to go to college and received several scholarships. That’s one of the reasons I’m working for dad. His secretary retired to move out to Seattle where her daughter lives. Her daughter just gave her the first grandchild and she wanted to be able to assist with the care. You know you really need two salaries to live in Seattle, so the baby would have to go to daycare or something. Once my baby comes, I’ll still be able to work for dad because I can bring him into the office.”

          “Oh, you know it’s going to be a boy.”

          “Yes,” Celia responded, rubbing down her belly the way Hannah had seen other expectant mothers do. She wanted to rub her own still flat belly, but kept her hand at her side. “Ted’s going to get his degree in ranch management so he can eventually take over from his folks. We’re going to need a lot of children to work that place.”

          “Well, good morning Hannah,” Mr. Travers said as he came from his office and pulled her into a hard hug. “Again, I’m so sorry about Thomas. I knew him my whole life and there wasn’t a better man in the valley. Now, c’mon back to my office. I’ve some things to tell you that might make your day a bit better. Celia, please hold my calls.”

          Instead of going behind his desk, Mr. Travers led Hannah to a small round table that held a couple bottles of water and some file folders. Once she was seated, he opened one of the folders.

          “Now, just to review what you already know. Thomas put the entire ranch into a trust to insure its forests would never be cut, its water never damned, and nothing changed that Mother Nature didn’t change herself. Is that your understanding?”

          “Yes, plus the fact I can, or future Wakefields, continue to live on the land and work it as a ranch if we wish to do so.”

          “Correct. And, I assume, and please correct me if I’m wrong, you will remain on the ranch and continue to raise cattle for the market.”

          “Yes. There’s lots of other things I’d like to do as well, but I don’t think there’s a budget big enough to hire enough hands to do all the work I can imagine doing.”

          Mr. Travers closed the first folder and opened the second. “And, that’s where you’d be wrong Hannah. Thomas and the Wakefields before him always managed to put aside something for the future. Sometimes that something grew well and sometimes it did not. I know there were things Thomas planned on doing, but when he lost Gracie and then had his heart attack, I believe he just stopped, well, not caring, but not having the energy to undertake the kind of projects that would have needed his attention.

          “Here’s a spreadsheet of your holdings. That figure on the bottom right is the total amount of funds available to you for your use, however you see fit to use them.”

          Hannah took the paper and looked where she’d been directed. She felt as thought her eyes were bulging from their sockets and could feel her heart rate increase. OH. MY. GOD. She thought. That’s so much money. It can’t be right. She raised her eyes, open so wide she thought she’d never get them closed again. “You’re telling me this money is mine? I can spend it however I want?”

          “Yes, Hannah, that’s what I’m telling you. Thomas and I talked about whether we should attach any strings, but Thomas was positive you wouldn’t clean out the account and head on down the road. He knew how much you’d come to love the ranch. He knew you’d do the best you could to make it a real working ranch again. So, yes, that money’s yours.

          “There are some papers for you to sign. I know you’re already on the ranch checking account and have debit and credit cards for same, but you’ll need to go in and have Thomas’ name removed. I would suggest, however, you contact the woman who’s become the financial advisor for the account. She can answer any questions and offer any advice when it comes to how best use and/or increase the account balance.”

          Mr. Travers slid various papers across the table to Hannah. She probably should have read every single word, but she felt kinda out-of-body, as though she were alive in a dream. Then, gramps’ attorney, or rather now her attorney, gave her a packet of papers that included information about the investment account, contact information for the financial advisor and other documents he suggested she go through on her own.

          “That’s it,” Mr. Travers said, “except for this personal letter from your gramps. He wrote it and gave it to me the last time I saw him. Again, I’m sorry about Thomas, but am so happy he made arrangements with me for you to carry on. I know you’ll do Thomas proud. And, please, call me any time if you have any questions.”

          Hannah felt dazed. She hadn’t expected this and was barely able to get up and accompany Mr. Travers out the door. She did manage to say, “Congratulations, again.” To Celia, but that was it. Outside the office, she headed for her truck where she sat and thought about everything that had just happened. Then she remembered the letter. She dug through the packet of material until she found the plain white envelope with her name scrawled on the front in gramps handwriting. She used the knife on her belt to slit it open.

          “Dear Han: If you’re reading this, it means I’ve gone to be with Gracie and your folks. If I know you, I’m sure you’re sitting in your truck gob-smacked by what my friend Dan just showed and gave you. I’m sorry we didn’t talk about this, about the plans I wanted to make for you and the ranch. I just couldn’t. I just don’t have the energy, especially since I know you do and will.

          “I’ve also got to say I’m really encouraged by the way you and Luke have hit it off. I was hoping the two of you would get together before I died. I really wanted to walk you down the aisle and hold my first grandchild, but what I want and what happens isn’t always what I get. I believe Luke is a fine man and would make you a wonderful husband and a terrific father to your children.

          “To this letter, I’ve attached a list of what I’d do at the ranch were I a young man. I’m hoping you and Luke will take on these projects and make the Wakefield land produce all it’s capable of once again. That doesn’t mean you have to take on every single thing on the list, just those you want to do and that will have meaning for you and future generations.

          “Han, losing your folks was the worst thing that could have happened to you. It was the absolute best thing for me and Gracie. When you came into our lives, sad and almost broken, all we wanted was to help you grow, watch you grow, and become a young woman who knew her own mind and loves the land as we did. We knew our prayers had been answered by the time you were 15.

          “You, my sweetest granddaughter, have been the answer to so many prayers. Your granny and I are so proud of the young woman you grew into and wish we could have remained longer to share in the life you’ll continue to have.

          “Han, please know that while Granny and I may not be present physically any longer, our love and hope for you will endure. You’re strong and beautiful and a Wakefield through and through.

          “I love you. Gramps.”

          Hannah had had to stop several times as she read the letter to swipe the tears from her face and eyes. It was hard to read when the words became all blurry. She carefully folder the papers and returned them to the envelope. She’d read gramps’ letter again at bedtime, but now, this minute, this day, she had work to do. Wakefields didn’t sit back and languish and make wishes that wouldn’t come to fruition. Wakefields soldiered on and so would she, head up, shoulders back, stride firm and sure. It was time to visit the grocery and feed stores.

WATER RIGHTS, CHAPTER 10, ONE SECRET GOES PUBLIC

         

          The funeral service for gramps was beautiful and moving. Miz. Lionel did the eulogy and shared many touching and funny stories and thoughts culled from the eight decades she had known Thomas. Finally, everyone left the church and followed the funeral car containing Thomas’ body with Hannah and Luke in the next car. It was a slow, solemn procession that eventually reached the ranch. The hearse managed to make it up the little used road to the old cemetery that held generations of Wakefields. 

          Everyone else parked in the area below the house and hiked up the hill. The minister provided the last rites and as Hannah stood beside Luke, she thought that one day their children would lay them to rest together as so many of her family had gone before. That was so comforting she was able to keep her tears to a minimum.

          The church ladies had elected to go directly into the house and by the time the family and friends returned, they had heated up and laid out all the food that had been provided over the last few days by those in attendance. Hannah knew that once the last person had left, she’d be able to relax, remove her funeral clothes and get comfortable. She also knew that’s when she and Luke would have their heart-to-heart. Even so melancholy and missing her gramps, she was looking forward to them talking and making plans.

          Hannah was out on the porch with some of her guests and Luke when she saw dust rising on the road from the highway. Next, she recognized Jamison’s fancy car and did her best to excuse herself from the current discussion. She didn’t want that jerk despoiling this day. She’d go down and tell him, he wasn’t welcome, that he had to leave.

          Unfortunately, Jamison was quicker than Hannah and managed to make it to the top of the steps before she could get far enough away to make what she had to say private. Oh well, she thought, everyone can just listen to me tell this jackass to get off gramps’ ranch. She didn’t notice Luke had followed her and was standing just behind her.

          “Well, howdy young lady. Please allow me to express my condolences on the loss of your grandpa. He was a mighty fine man and will be much missed by the community I’m sure.”

          “Thanks, Jamison. Now, you can turn yourself around the get off my property. I don’t want you here, especially today. I’m sure the sheriff is here somewhere and I can get him to escort you if you won’t just go.”

          “Now, missy, you know why I’m here. I’m here for the same reason I sought you out at the hospital last year. I want to purchase this ranch and I’ll give you top dollar.”

          “This ranch isn’t for sale ever. After his heart attack and your ignoble proposal, Gramps decided to put it into a perpetual trust. It will never be for sale. Wakefields can live on and work the ranch forever if his descents choose to do so. There’s no way you’ll ever be able to damn up the water and keep the farmers and ranchers downstream from having access without having to pay for it. Surely you weren’t stupid enough to think Gramps didn’t know what you had in mind?”

          Jamison looked stunned, then his eyes moved to Luke, standing and trying not to squirm just behind Hannah. He took his wrath out on Luke. “Luke, you fucking no good sonabitch. How come you didn’t get this fucking information months ago. Here, I’ve been paying you since January you cocksuckin’ bastard to find out what the disposition would be?”

          He then directed his attention to Hannah. “Did you know Luke disabled his fucking truck on fucking purpose? Yes, he surely fucking did. I paid him to find a fucking way into your house, gain your fucking trust and get me the fucking information I wanted.”

          He turned his anger back to Luke. “What the fuck happened Luke. Did you get a taste of this young prime pussy and decide you’d just hang the fuck in there until the old man died and you could marry up? Did you fill her head with sweet fucking nothings while you were sticking your cock in her pussy? Did you think she’d just keel the fuck over and be happy to fucking marry you, a fucking loser, so you’d have control of this place. What did you plan to fucking do? Use my idea and damn up the water and get fucking rich?”

          By now, all the guests that had been in the house had moved on to the porch and were avidly listening to Jamison’s rant. They watched Hannah slump a bit before she straightened up and turned toward Luke.

          Luke came toward Hannah and tried to take her hand. She pulled it back. “Please Hannah, there were so many times I wanted to confess, so many times I wanted to tell you the truth about why I came here. But why I came and why I stayed are two different reasons.” He tried again to approach and Hannan backed away. “Hannah, when I first came here, I didn’t know you and Thomas. As time passed, I came to admire and even love your gramps. And, I came to love you so very much. Please, you have to believe me.”

          “Luke, you can join Jamison and get off my property. I don’t want you here. I don’t want to ever see your face again. Git your shit and git gone.” She stood tall and proud, no tears in evidence even though she could feel her heart breaking. The desire to vomit was so strong, she could barely swallow it back.

          The sheriff had been on the porch from the beginning and he came to meet Hannah as she walked around Luke and met him. “Please, Sheriff, could you make sure Jamison leaves and that Luke gathers up his shit and leaves as well?”

          Back on the porch, Hannah apologized to her guests for the scene they’d just witnessed. It hurt, but she managed to laugh a bit and say, “You never know about a person do you. Gramps seemed to really care for Luke and gave him lots of responsibility, but I guess he was able to fool my gramps as well. Now, I think I need some of that iced tea. As Granny would say, I’m feelin’ a mite parched.”

          The wake went on, although some people had the good sense to make the decision to leave early. When Luke came into the house, accompanied by the sheriff to retrieve his belongings from his room, Hannah turned her back and continued talking to the people in front of her. She didn’t turn or comment or give any indication she was even aware Luke was passing by, even though every single cell in her body was electrified with the knowledge.

          Eventually, the last guest drove away and the church ladies finished tidying up the place. “Now, honey, you just take it easy this evening.” Mrs. Bonney, the leader told her. “You’ve got a couple of men in the bunkhouse and as I’m leaving, I’ll tell them to take care of the livestock in the barn for you. Morning’s soon enough for you to take on your gramps’ duties.” She gave Hannah a hard hug and went out the door.

          When she heard the last car start and depart, Hannah moved to her gramps’ TV chair. She collapsed into it, the smell of him strong and comforting. She wished with all her heart he was with her so she could climb up in his lap and have him comfort her the way he had so many times over the years. She’d love to hear him tell her that things would look so much better tomorrow, that she was strong, that she had a purpose, that she couldn’t simply give up.

          Hannah had thought the day couldn’t be any worse than it had begun, but the truth about Luke, the loss of the future she’d projected made the pain of her loss double. She curled up into a ball, breathed deep of her gramps’ odor and cried until she felt there wasn’t a single tear remaining in her body.

          When Hannah woke, it was going on dark. She was still curled into a ball in her gramps’ chair, but she felt cleansed somehow. Yes, it had been an awful, awful day, but like gramps had told her so m any times, she was a Wakefield and as such, she was strong and resilient. She’d be just fine without Luke, even though the idea of him not being with her hurt like an open wound filled with salt.

          Hannah straighted and stretched and then put her hand on her tummy. Yes, Luke was gone. They’d never have a future, but she had something even more precious, she had a child growing inside her body. A new Wakefield. A reason to work and plan and look to the future.

          She patted her belly and said, “And, okay, you’re not going to have a daddy, but that won’t matter. You’ll be a Wakefield too, so you’ll be strong and smart and I will love you so much having a daddy won’t matter in the least. I already love you and am so looking forward to watching you change me, fill my heart and eventually my arms. We’ll be just fine little mite, just fine.”

          Before Hannah could go to bed, she had to change the sheets. She could smell Luke and she didn’t want to sleep with those memories and the plans she’d made. Once there were clean sheets, she sprayed a little of her granny’s lavender-lemon water over them and the pillows.  By the time she ate something, showered and brushed her teeth, only the fresh odor would remain.

          In the kitchen, Hannah found what was left of Miz. Lionel’s venison stew. Her heart stuttered and she wanted to cry when she thought of Luke waiting on her the night before. Instead, she pushed the memories and thoughts away and sat down to inhale the steaming bowl of food. She also found some of the flaky biscuits the church ladies had left. A few seconds in the microwave and it was as though they’d just come out of the oven. She liberally spread butter and huckleberry jam over the top and finished them off as dessert.

          Hannah felt so much better and realized she really hadn’t had much to eat the entire day. That was why she’d been so teary and shaky. She put her dishes in the sink and wandered down to the barn to commune with Onyx and Sampson. The old horse looked so sad, “Oh Sampson, you know he’s gone don’t you? You know he’ll never come in here with an apple and a good brushing for you. I’m sorry Sampson, but you need to hang in here for a while. I know you’re tired too, but for now, when I put you in the pasture tomorrow with Onyx, you just graze and enjoy. I need a grace period before you leave me too.”

          On the way back to the house, she went by the bunkhouse. She knocked and waited for someone to either open the door or yell. The two men Luke had hired and trained were laying on their bunks, reading. They both started to get up when Hannah came in the door.

          “No, no, don’t get up. I’m on my way to bed myself. I just wanted to apologize for not providing much in the way of meals this past week. That will change beginning tomorrow. What I’d like you to do is take care of the animals in the barn and put the horses out in the near pasture. Then, come on up for breakfast. While we eat, we can talk about what I’d like done, what you know has been done and where we’ll go from here.”

          “Miz. Hannah, I just want to say I’m so sorry about your grandpa. He was a real good man. And, I’m sorry bout Luke too…Jamison’s tirade was a complete surprise.”

          Hannah smiled at Joe and responded, “That’s okay Joe. Thank you for your sympathy. And, you too Dave. Not much is going to change around here except for who’s giving the orders and that will be me. I hope I can count on the two of you for support and information so I’m able to make my gramps proud.”

          Both men acknowledged her request, and Hannah turned, let herself out and returned to the house. Ready for bed, she didn’t expect to actually sleep, but drifted off almost immediately, her right hand curled against the base of her belly. 

WATER RIGHTS, CHAPTER 9, FUNERAL PLANS

 

          Hannah had barely made coffee when an old barge of a black caddy rolled into the barnyard. Its paint and chrome glistened in the sunshine. When the door opened, a mite of an old woman clambered out. She had to have a pillow on the seat because otherwise it didn’t look as though she could see out the windshield. She slammed the door and stood there for a few moments, looking around, her hands pressed to her lower back. Then, she walked to the trunk, opened it, reached in and raised up with what would be the first food delivery of the day.

          “Luke, go out and help Miz. Lionel up the stairs, would you please.” Hannanh asked without turning around. Miz. Lionel had been her granny’s very best friend. In fact, the Lionels and her grandparents had been friends since they’d all gone to school together. Now. Miz. Lionel was the only one of the four left and even though she appeared to be getting around just fine, she was verging on ancient.

          Miz. Lionel allowed Luke to take the dish from her and took his arm as they slowly and carefully came up the steps to the house. The old woman stopped frequently maybe to catch her breath or to just look around the place since she hadn’t been to visit much in the last couple of years.

          Hannah held the door open and waited for Miz. Lionel to enter, but had to let go of the door and bend down as thin arms encircled her waist in a fierce hug while the woman said, “Oh honey, I’m so sorry about your gramps. I’ve knowed Thomas since we began school. You know we were all best friends, and now, it’s just me. I’m so sorry dear, so sorry for your loss.”

          Miz. Lionel pulled away and looked up into Hannah’s face. “I know you miss your granny something bad and I know having your gramps go now too is going to be so hard for you. You just tell me if there’s anything I can do. That dish has some of my hearty venison stew in it. One of my grandboys got him a deer last fall and this is the end of it.”

          “Now Miz. Lionel, you come sit down, please.” Hannah asked, taking the woman by the arm and directing her toward a chair at the table. “I so appreciate you driving all the way out here and bringing me something to eat. I remember your venison stew from all the potlucks we used to have and know I’ll enjoy every single bite.”

          “Well, I may be the first, but I won’t be the last coming by with food, funeral meats we used ta call ‘em. I’m just the first because I can’t seem to sleep more’n a few hours at night. If’n I was a rooster, I’d be gettin' everbody up way before the sun.” She laughed and smoothed her apron over her knees.

          “How about some coffee Miz. Lionel? We haven’t had breakfast yet either, so I’d love for you to join us.”

          The old lady was happy to have some coffee and join them for breakfast. “I don’t eat much but find I’m eatin’ often. Beats me why I’m still so skinny. And, unless’n you’ve moved everything around from the way Gracie had it, I can give you a hand.”

          “No mam, you just sit there and drink your coffee. It will help me if I keep busy. When I think of eating breakfast without gramps for the first time since I was 11, my tummy hurts and I just want to fling myself down and cry and cry.” Hannah responded, pulling eggs and bacon out of the fridge.

          By the time Luke had finished taking care of the livestock that was close by and giving instructions to the few hands about the work that needed doing on the ranch, Hannah had breakfast ready. As they all sat down to breakfast, Miz. Lionel took their hands in hers, lowered her head and said a solemn but heartfelt prayer. Hannah felt a little guilty because once granny had passed, she and her gramps had given up giving thanks.

          Over breakfast and second cups of coffee, Miz. Lionel steered the conversation around to the funeral and what Hannah wanted to do. Since she was their best and last friend, she planned to help Hannah every step of the way.

          While Luke took care of cleaning up the kitchen, Miz. Lionel and Hannah went to Thomas’ bedroom and opened his closet. The familiar smell and the sight of his clothing had Hannah’s eyes leaking, but she persevered and pulled out his Sunday go to meeting suit. It was the only one he had. To that she and the old lady added his favorite boots and hat, underwear and a tie.

          Hannah sat on the edge of the bed and said between taking deep breaths, “Seems so silly to get all his fancy stuff out just to have it put under the dirt up on the hill. He hated getting all fancied up as he called it.”

          “Yes, honey, but that’s what people’ll be expectin’ at the funeral. You are planning on an open coffin and a visitation the night before I expect. Your granny looked beautiful at her visitation and I know she’d want Thomas to look his best too.

          “Now, not to change the subject, but have you talked to the funeral parlor about what it is you want?”

Hannah responded saying, “Gramps made his own arrangements when he did Granny’s. He wants just what she had and then to be buried up on the hill with her and my parents. At least I can climb up there and visit them as often as I want.”

By the time Hannah finished talking, she was sobbing so hard Miz. Lionel sat down beside her and pulled her into her arms. “There, there now sweetie-pie. It’s always hard at the beginnin’ of somethin’ like this, but you’ll get through it just like you got through it with your folks and your Granny. Your grandparents were loved and an important part of this community. Thomas will leave us in the same style my Bennie and Gracie left. Yes, it will hurt, but your memories and the love and care from everbody will help. Yes, it will help.”

After being held and patted for a bit, Hannah raised up and wiped her eyes and face with her hands. Miz. Lionel stood up and said, “Now let’s get Thomas’ stuff packed up. When I go back into town in a bit, I can deliver it for ya. That way you can stay here and be here for everbody that’s gonna be comin’ and goin’ today. But, how about you? You got decent clothes for the funeral. You can’t go looking like you do now. For that matter, you should put on something a little bit more dressy since you’ll be hostessin’ all day.”

“I have the clothes you helped me buy when Granny passed. They should still fit. I can wear those for the funeral. I also have a decent dress that doesn’t show too much skin and isn’t too short. I can change into that for today.”

Back in the kitchen, Hannah asked Luke to put her gramps’ things in Miz. Lionel’s trunk and explained why. The old lady followed that with, “Now, you’re gonna be here aren’t ya young man. I never met ya before, but everbody in the valley is gonna be droppin’ by here all day today and maybe even tomorrow. Hannah’s gonna need a steady hand to keep it all together, and since you were eaten breakfast in the house, I’m guessin’ you were more than just a hired hand to Thomas, and maybe to Hannah here too.”

Both Hannah and Luke tried hard not to become embarrassed, but there was a twinkle in the old lady’s eye as she hugged Hannah again and said, “Now, go on and make yourself look nice. You want your gramps to look down and be proud of how you’re handlin’ this.”

Luke walked Miz. Lionel out to her car while Hannah took a quick shower and put on lady underthings and the dress she’d mentioned. She took her long braid and wound it around it head like a crown. A little lip gloss and she was as ready as she was every going to be. I’m so thankful Luke will be here with me she thought and ran her hand over the base of her tummy. Once everyone had left the gathering after the interment, she’d tell him about their baby.

The church women’s group arrived about 30 minutes after Miz. Lionel left. They brought ice tea, iced coffee, soda, water and all kinds of breads and meats and cheeses and a platter of fruit. Their contribution also included paper plates, napkins and cups. Not only that, these women would spend the day at Hannah’s house, making sure the guests were provided with food and drink and the kitchen kept spotless. All Hannah had to do was greet, receive condolences and hugs, and listen to stories about her beloved gramps. She remembered how it had been when Granny passed. It was amazing what these women could put together in a matter of hours.

It wasn’t long before a parade of cars began to drive down the road from the highway. Every single one brought some kind of dish, usually the special dish for which they were known. The church ladies took control of those and carefully put them away so they’d be available for the gathering after the funeral. And there again, the church ladies would bring additional supplies and take care of everything so Hannah didn’t even have to think about it.

Luke felt a bit superflulous, especially since he didn’t know hardly anyone who came to call. Hannah always tried to remember to include him, introducing him as Thomas’ right-hand man and saying how grateful she was to him for easing all the hard ranch work off gramps shoulders. There were a good many older folks and Luke made sure he was able to assist them, without being too obvious, when it came to climbing up and down the steps.

The day passed much more quickly than Hannah had initially expected. So many people in and out, so many stories, so little time for actually grieving, but eventually, the sun began its descent and after half an hour with no new visitors, the church ladies cleaned and packed up and left Hannah and Luke alone in the house.

“Hannah, I don’t think I told you that you look absolutely beautiful in that dress with your hair up like that. Once we get you through this funeral, we’re going to have to talk about us and the future, but just let me say this one thing, I do love you so very much.”

She went to Luke and let him enfold her into his arms. She leaned against his body and took strength from the words he’d just said and knew that once gramps joined granny, she could look forward to being so very happy…just her and Luke and their baby. With her lips against Luke’s neck, Hannah murmured, “I love you too. I think I’ve loved you since the moment you walked out of the barn last January.”

Hannah pulled away and looked up at Luke, “And I meant everything I said today when I was introducing you as gramps’ right-hand. I know my time with him would have been even shorter if your truck hadn’t broken down and you agreed to stay and work for him. I love you even more for those extra months gramps lived. Thank you.”

Luke’s guilt almost made him blurt out his secret about Jamison, but he loved Hannah too much to add to her distress. It would have to wait until after the funeral, but the fact she loved him reassured him. Surely, she wouldn’t hold his actions against him, especially since he hadn’t been able to give Jamison any information anyway.

“Well, the church ladies left everything in great shape.” Luke said. “Are you hungry? Can I make you something to eat? I don’t think I saw you take a bit the entire day.”

“If you can find Miz. Lionel’s venison stew, I’d have a bowl of that. I know she’ll be bringing something else for the table the day of the funeral. The stew is just for me, for us.”

“Okay, you go sit down and I’ll wait on you for a change. Then, once you’ve eaten, you can get yourself to bed. I can tell by the circles under your eyes you are very tired.”

“I don’t want to go to bed without you.” Hannah responded, reaching out for his hand.

“Once I clean up our dinner dishes, I’ll be right there and snuggle you as tight as you’ll allow. I don’t want to ever again sleep without you, Hannah.”

This night, they were both exhausted and slipped into sleep without giving any thought to their secrets or the days ahead. Both were content that even while so sorrowful at Thomas’ passing, their future would be wonderful.

WATER RIGHTS, CHAPTER 8, GRAMPS IS GONE

            

         This was the day both Hannah and Luke would share their secrets. They’d agreed to meet at the waterfall in the afternoon and both were looking forward to telling the other their secrets…Luke with some trepidation and Hannah with excitement.

          Before the day could get properly underway, however, it turned into a morning of fear, sorrow and unmitigated misery, at least for Hannah. When she’d returned from the barn, she’d found gramps laying on the kitchen floor. His coffee cup had broken and cut his hand, so there was blood as well. While kneeling to check for a pulse, she dialed 911.

          “Hello, please, it’s my gramps. Can you send someone fast? I think he’s had a heart attack. Hurry, please.” She knew she didn’t have to recite where the medics should go from gramps’ last episode. It was all there in the phone database, she guessed.

          She sat down on the floor and pulled gramps’ head into her lap. She tried hard not to cry, but gramps looked so old and frail, she could barely keep herself from screaming because of the fear and sadness she was feeling. Hannah stroked his forehead, murmuring words of love, begging her gramps to please be okay.

          This was how Luke found them just moments before a medic truck screamed into the driveway. When the EMTs entered the kitchen, Luke pulled Hannah up from the floor and held her while the men did their work. Finally, one of them said, “It looks as though your gramps has had a stroke. We’ll get him to the hospital as quickly as possible.” He looked at Luke and asked, “You can bring her in, yes.”

          “Yes, we’ll be right behind you.” Luke responded.

          Hannah took a deep breath and grabbed the standing EMT by the arm. “He’s going to be okay isn’t he?” she asked, her fingers clenching tight. “Please tell me he’s going to be okay. He has to be okay.”

          The EMT took her hand in his and squeezed it. “We’re doing all we can and the doctors at the hospital will be able to tell more. Now, please, we have to get going. The sooner we get to the hospital, the better it will be.”

          “Hannah, while they get gramps loaded, you gather up what you think you’ll need at the hospital.” Luke said and gave her a push toward the stairs. “You don’t need to come back here until you’re ready. I can come back and take care of the animals later. You can stay as long as gramps needs you.”

          Hannah had no idea what she’d need, so she just grabbed her backpack, stuffed the book she was reading inside, and was ready to leave before the medics raced down the ranch road with the siren blaring. In the truck with Luke, she could only think of her gramps and prayed so hard that he would be okay. He had to be okay. What would she do without him? And, she was going to give him his first great-grandchild. He had to live for that, didn’t he? How could this have happened so quickly? She’d only been in the barn for a few minutes. He’d been fine when she’d danced out of the kitchen. Oh, why was this happening now when she’d been so very happy?

          At the hospital, they found gramps had been moved into the ICU. No one could tell her anything besides the fact they had to run tests. When they told Hannah and Luke what they were doing and planned to do, it sounded like they were reciting the alphabet. The afternoon seemed to pass with the speed of a river that was just about frozen. Hannah paced and sat and barely talked to Luke. She just couldn’t talk, she had to concentrate all her energy on her gramps getting better.

          Eventually, Luke said, “It’s getting late, so I’d better head back to the ranch. The livestock will need to be seen to. I can come right back though. I don’t want you to stay here alone.”

          “Oh Luke, thank you. And, you don’t need to come back because you’ll only have to leave again to take care of things in the morning. I’ll call you if I learn anything or if I need you to come get us.”

          Luke held Hannah and hugged her hard. “It’s going to be just fine, I know it. You hold onto that Hannah.” Privately, mostly because of the bits and pieces he’d heard the doctors and nurses saying, he didn’t think Thomas had much of a chance. If he made it through the night, then maybe, but it wasn’t likely. He didn’t want Hannah to be alone if Thomas died. “I’ll be back, no matter what, just as soon as I can. Okay?” With another hard hug, Luke let go, turned around and marched out of the hospital saying his own prayers that Thomas would survive until he was able to be there with Hannah.

          It was hard waiting and the minutes passed like hours, especially since they wouldn’t allow Hannah to be with her gramps for more than 10 minutes at a time. And that time wasn’t all that helpful because of all the machines that seemed to tether him to the bed. She’d hold his hand and it was so cold. She wanted to climb up on the bed and snuggle with him, give him some of her warmth, whisper in his ear all the things she felt welling up inside her. Ten minutes didn’t provide near enough of the time Hannah felt like she needed.

          Finally, very late in the afternoon, the doctor came to talk to her and told her he didn’t hold out much hope. Her gramps had definitely had a stroke. They could perform surgery, but it wouldn’t leave him in the same or in better condition than he’d been before. He’d most likely need round-the-clock care and be confined to a wheelchair or bed. That was if she wanted them to do surgery. Hannah asked the doctor if she could spend more than the allotted 10 minutes with gramps before she had to give him an answer. He agreed and told the nurses his decision.

          In the room with gramps, Hannah moved wires and cables around until she was able to nestle on the bed beside her gramps. She put one arm across his chest and pulled him as tight as everything would allow. Then, she let all the words that had been choking her to well up, to spew forth in a quiet whisper.

          “Ah Gramps, I’d so hoped and prayed we’d have so much more time together. You’ve been such a huge part of my life, taught me so much and there’s so much I want to share with you still. The doctor told me he can do surgery and repair some of the damage from the stroke, but you’ll be in a wheelchair or confined to bed and I know you’d hate that. You’d hate not being able to wander out to the barn to give Sampson and Onyx some apples and pats on their faces. You’d miss being able to see the way they seem to smile and their eyes light up when they see you coming.”

          Hannah paused to swallow back the tears that wanted to gush from her eyes and destroy her ability to talk. “So, Gramps, I think I’ve made the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make in my life. I won’t let the surgeon operate. I won’t let you become an invalid because I know you’d hate being one. Still, it’s hard to imagine getting up every morning and not having you in the kitchen, to imagine not seeing you at the dinner table, to see my life without you in it every single day.

          “And gramps, there’s something so important I’e been wanting to share with you and now I wish I’d climbed up on the roof and shouted the news so you’d at least know. I really hope you can hear me when I tell you this. I’m carrying your great-grandchild. I’m sure you’ve guessed that Luke and I, well, we haven’t exactly told each other we love each other, but I know we do. At least I know I love him. And I know you care for him too. I know if you could wake up, you’d hug me, give me your blessing and walk me down the aisle to become his wife. And, okay, he hasn’t asked me yet, but I know he will. Knowing that is the only thing that’s helping me hold all this together, helping me make this difficult decision. Oh gramps, I so wish we could actually talk to each other about this.”

          Hannah allowed herself to cry then. She didn’t sob and shake and scream the way she really wanted to but cried softly, her tears wetting Thomas’ hospital gown.

          At first, Hannah thought she imagined the movement she felt on her back. She held her breath and there it was again, a soft touch, and she knew her gramps was trying to communicate. She raised up and found her gramps’ eyes barely open. She felt another even softer movement on her back and faintly heard her gramps say, “Good man. Bless.” Before his eyes closed again and his hand fell limply to the bed.

          Hannah flew out to the nurses’ station, “He spoke. He opened his eyes. You have to go help him.”

          Everyone flew into action and Hannah paced the hall while she waited. Eventually the doctor returned and the news wasn’t good. Besides the blood clot in his brain, Gramps now had a brain bleed, so it was only a matter of time before enough blood flowed and his body shut down.

Hannah knew without a doubt that her gramps’ last efforts to reassure her had been more than his body had been able to support. When Luke arrived back at the hospital late that evening, he found Hannah sitting in the room with her gramps body. Her eyes were red and swollen and she tightly clutched Thomas’ hand in hers.

Luke had to pry her fingers loose and then pull Hannah to her feet before he could wrap his arms around her. She began to cry again, sobbing against his chest, her arms clamped around him like a vice. In between sobs and hiccoughs, she muttered, “Luke, what am I going to do without Gramps? He’s my last link to family. How am I going to keep on? Oh, I cannot bear it. I can’t stand being so alone.”

“It’s okay Hannah. I’m here. I’ll help you. We’ll be fine, just you wait and see. Your gramps was a good man and I’m sure he made sure you’ll be taken care of and if he didn’t, well I’ll take care of you.”

Eventually, Hannah stopped crying and raised the face of an overtired child to Luke. He began to lead her from the room when she pulled her hand free and returned to the bed. She leaned over, held Thomas’ head between her hands and gave his forehead a soft sweet kiss. Then, she turned back to Luke and held out her hand. He took it and led her out of the hospital and to his truck.

That night, they slept together in Hannah’s bed. They didn’t make love, but she wrapped herself around him so tightly he was afraid to move because he was sure that would wake her up and she was exhausted. Laying there, Luke wished he’d been able to tell her about Jamison, but that would now have to wait until after the funeral. He couldn’t bear to upset her any further right now.

He felt Hannah’s lips stretch into a big smile. She was dreaming and it was a wonderful dream. She held Luke’s child and her Gramps was leaning down to offer his finger to the baby who reached up to grab it. It was a wonderful dream and she allowed it to deeply comfort her because that’s the way it would have been, should have been.

DEPRESSED AM I

 

I know I’m a great proponent of being optimistic and believe it’s up to me to CHOOSE how I feel each day. I also don’t believe I “should” do anything, but that I will or won’t, can or cannot. I also know that while I try ever so hard to keep to those beliefs, there are days where depression hovers over and descends like a huge fluffy cloud to make it impossible to CHOOSE what I SHOULD choose for myself. Yes, today I am horribly depressed, but perhaps writing about it will help me become strong enough to CHOOSE to blow this huge and ugly cloud away.

You traveled the week with me and my tooth difficulties, and yesterday I felt so much better. I also knew that taking Percocet for the four days I did could cause me to become depressed because that is one of the side-affects. What I didn’t take into consideration is the fact this is December and Christmas, one of the supposedly happiest days of the year is just 20 days away.

A friend pointed out last night something I already knew I was going to have to implement…a two-week quarantine where I see absolutely no one because I spent at least six hours in a potentially COVID transmission area on Wednesday. So, except for a trip to the grocery store, gloved and masked, I will be here alone for the next two weeks or more.

Add to that the fact there will be no Christmas decorations in or on my house this year. The huge boxes the kids usually pull down from the attic will remain there. I will not host Christmas Eve dinner and watch my grandkids open their gifts with all the excitement and joy that entails. I will get up Christmas morning knowing I will remain at home all day, that the annual Christmas brunch at AJ’s and Angie’s will not happen. I will be alone and very lonely.

There won’t even be the pleasure of buying and wrapping gifts. Instead, I will purchase Visa gift cards for each member of my family, place them in Christmas cards and deliver to their homes with no contact on Christmas Eve day. No hugs or kisses or delight in hearing what they plan to do with their gift card. I probably won’t even hear what they used the gift cards to purchase…a totally without any pleasure for me gift from me to them.

Tears are leaking down my cheeks as I type this up. Perhaps a good hard cry will make me feel better. I don’t know. All I do know right now if that life doesn’t look so wonderful or special or good or even worth having to a degree. Life right now just seems hard and lonely and depressed. COVID (and Percocet) have pulled any joy, current or potential right out of my life.

I’m telling myself this is only temporary, that my life will get better, but today there is a huge part of me that’s responding with, “Who the fuck do you think you’re kidding? You’re alone and lonely. Life sucks and there’s really no point in doing anything whatsoever because nothing actually matters.” Today, I don’t have a response for that other part of me besides, “I know.” I cannot even tell myself with any depth of belief that, “It will get better. Just give it some time.” Yes, today life as I know it really does suck, but there is a teeny-tiny part of me somewhere deep down that is raising a very small flag of hope. I’m going to picture that teeny-tiny flag getting larger and larger even though at the moment it is miniscule.  I’m sure (sorta) tomorrow will be a better day.

THE TOOTH SAGA ENDS

 

Yesterday, I took y’all’s advice and chatted with a Kaiser MD online as well as with the endodontist’s office. Because of the chest pain, I was encouraged to go to Urgent Care on Capitol Hill. My neighbor Kathy very kindly drove me there and was prepared to wait until I could be sent home. After an hour or so, the RN told me I’d be there for hours so I should encourage my friend to leave the potentially COVID-blessed area and return home. I did and she did.

It’s really hard to describe the pain, but it began in the back of my throat and traveled down my esophagus to a couple of inches below the little indentation in my throat. If I breathed very shallowly, it didn’t hurt much, but if I took a deep breath, on a scale of 1-10, with 10 being the worst, the pain was an 8 or 9.

I won’t bore you with the various things they tried, but none of them worked well. The pain could be knocked back to about a 6, but that was it. I had a couple of EKGs and the results were good…my heart is fine. I had a chest x-ray and they saw a “nodule” on that so wanted a CT scan. That was hard because they wanted me to take deep breaths and hold them. The CT scan showed the one nodule and I was told not to be too concerned, but should touch base with my MD and make arrangements to keep a watch to make sure it continues to be nothing.

Before my final paragraph, let me say the nurses and doctors at Kaiser’s Urgent Care were wonderful. They took good care of me, kept me informed and tried very hard to figure out why I was having this pain. If they treat all their patients the way they treated me, and I’m sure they do, they should all be awarded big gold stars or whatever kind of recognition they deserve for doing their jobs in an excellent and very kind way.

Finally, they released me, just in time for son AJ to pick me up on his way home. The only problem was I still had the pain. It was still about a 6. I wasn’t happy that there was no resolution. Plus, I was starving. At home, I ordered a pizza and AJ went to pick it up. I could only eat two pieces, but they were very yummy. I took Tylenol and went to bed about 9:30 pm. I slept well and this morning there is very little pain. I still feel tired, but the pain has left and I’m very happy about that. The only thing I can attribute the pain to is having my mouth held open and stretched as much as possible for more than an hour. I guess it must have been all the muscles and tendons in my mouth and neck revolting.

Thanks for hanging in there with me through the last week…it’s really been a week this tooth has taken out of my life and that sucks. The next time I need a root canal, I’m going to have them remove the tooth. Hopefully that won’t happen too often or I’ll end up being one of those toothless old hags you see now and then. Better toothless than full of pain I say.