I'M SICK

        

 It's very rare I become ill with the flu, a cold or anything else, but late one Thursday night, my nose began to run and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't catch it. I hoped it was allergies, but no, it wasn't. I began my regimen of Airborne and zinc lozenges before I went to bed. 

I woke Friday morning with a sore, scratchy throat, a horrible taste in my mouth from the zinc, and before too long, I couldn’t do much of anything but blow my nose. I tried to do a few things, but was just miserable.

          I missed John so much. He would always make sure I had water/juice, fix me chicken noodle soup and/or toasted cheese sandwiches, tapioca pudding, and check to make sure I was alive when I felt as though I was surely going to die. I texted with a few people, and talked to two others to cancel the plans we had for Saturday…it was obvious to me I wouldn’t be going anywhere.

          And, okay, I managed just fine. I made my own soup and sandwiches but didn’t bother with the pudding. I began binge watching The Crown, and the doggies stayed on the couch with me and kept me warm. When the time came for my usual gin at the end of the day, I substituted a couple hot toddies over a period of a few hours and those made me feel much better.

          Still, a kind word from someone in the house, a hug, pat or just reassurance I’d feel better soon would have been very much appreciated…those damn doggies simply won’t learn to speak English. Finally, I’m very grateful I’m still able to take care of myself in situations like this…can’t really ask for much more I believe.

CRAB

Something both John and I loved was fresh cracked crab. I have many memories of eating crab with him.

 The first one that pops up in my memory occurred before Mt. St. Helens blew her top. Seven months pregnant with AJ, we borrowed a camper that belonged to his mother’s friend. We drove around the state and eventually went to the ocean. John hated the ocean and sand and only went there to please me. Before we headed inland, we bought fresh crab and found a place on Spirit Lake that would allow us to camp overnight. This location no longer exists.

          I’m sure the other campers would have liked to shoot us or do something that would have eliminated our presence. We arrived after dark. The camper we’d borrowed had a generator, so John put it to work. We sat at a table and cracked our crabs and ate them with fresh melted butter and crackers. They were absolutely delicious.

          Years later, my parents found a place on Highway 99 that had an all you can eat crab night fairly often. I cannot remember how many times my parents, John, AJ and I went to this place. We’d bring our own nutcrackers, scissors, picks and anything else that would help us remove that delectable delicacy from its shell. It was such fun and a very enjoyable time with my family. Eventually I think the place closed (too much cheap crab maybe) and this pleasure stopped. 

        

          John and I still loved crab; and whenever there was a sale, I’d buy a couple and we’d gorge ourselves at our own dinner table. The crab, fresh melted butter and crackers were like manna from heaven. We loved it. And, I believe AJ, having his first crab in utero and later with his wonderful grandfather, loves this delightful and difficult treat as well. While he isn’t eager to crack crab, he does love a dish I make with crab, hardboiled eggs, cheese and a few other ingredients.

          It wasn’t all that many months ago that John and I each ate a crab with butter and crackers together. I noticed then he wasn’t as quick to crack his crab and gave him a hand when I’d finished cracking mine. He also was unable to eat his entire portion. It made me rather sad to see his pleasure in something he loved diminished.

In the sale paper that came last Tuesday, I noticed QFC was having a sale on fresh crab. I bought a smallish one and last night I ate crab for dinner. Instead of sitting at the table with a warmer keeping the butter ready, I stood at the sink and cracked my crab. Once done, I melted some butter in a small dish and ate my crab dipped in the butter and placed on a soda cracker. In between bites, I had a bit of gin to wash it down. I enjoyed my crab (and gin), but not as much as if John had been seated at the table with me cracking his own crab.

          Another shared enjoyment that’s become a singular enjoyment. Really good, but not quite as good as when I shared it with John or my family.

EXCITED…WITH SOME TREPEDATION

Once again, I’m deviating from the posts I wrote last fall because today is a RED-LETTER DAY!!! I have made, confirmed and paid for a round trip plane ticket to Ft. Lauderdale Florida. Once there, I’ll board the ms Zuiderdam for a seven-day Caribbean cruise. Now I only need to decide and pay for whichever shore excursions I choose. I haven’t read the excursion brochure yet, but know the ship will stop at Half Moon Cay, Bahamas; Grand Turk, Turks and Ciacos; Amber Cove, Dominion Republic; and Key West Florida. I. AM. SO. EXCITED!!!!

          I am also feeling just a wee bit of trepidation. Actually, while I’ve never seen the movie Gravity with Sandra Bullock, how I’m feeling is kinda like I’m untethered in space. Why, I cannot actually determine. It’s not like I don’t have a passport. It’s not like I haven’t travelled in the past. John and I did quite a bit of travelling when we were young and then went to Kenya and China in the early 2000s. I even went on a Costa Rican tour all by myself not that many years ago.

          Still, somehow, this time it feels different and there are different logistics I’ll need to deal with. I believe I’ve found a house/doggie sitter who will take care of things here while I’m gone. I won’t have to make sure someone is checking in on John first thing in the morning and last thing at night, or calling him myself. I’ll need to find a way to and from the airport since John won’t be driving me. I’m sure one of the kids will do it, but my plane back doesn’t arrive until 2:15 am and I’m not going to keep anyone up that late.

          Thinking about it, I guess the word untethered pretty much says it all. I’m going on my own, just me, myself and I. I won’t be part of a tour group with someone shepherding me around and promoting face time with other guests. So, it’s up to me, myself and I to make sure I have an absolutely positively wonderful splendid time. If Me isn’t out there smiling and making friends and engaging in new experiences, then Myself can take over and lead the way; and if both of them decide they want to remain in the stateroom, then I will have to take charge…I can do that!!!

          SO. EXCITED. AM. I...okay, me and myself too!!!!

WILL I BECOME A STAMP COLLECTOR???

I may or may not have mentioned that my husband was a hoarder. The only reason our house didn’t look like one of those on television is that I lived here too and didn’t allow him to spread his crap throughout. Although, over the years he’d managed to creep into the laundry room he built for me years ago, with three file cabinets, a huge trunk and five boxes, plus all the important stuff he “stored” on top of the refrigerator and freezer. He’d move something into the laundry room when I wasn’t home and it would become a fait accompli.

Well, I was oh so happy to spend time last fall cleaning out the laundry room of all the various materials he’d crammed in there.  I would say that about 95.5% of the stuff was worthless and ended up going to recycle. Just as an example, John had his own business for more than 20 years. Not once did he eliminate a single client file (even though most of them had died), or even any of the outdated product catalogs. Unfortunately, I couldn't just toss willy-nilly. Instead, it was necessary to go through all the files and piles slowly to check for anything that might have value. For instance, interspersed among everything were parts of one of his collections--stamps.

          John had polio when he was eight or nine and his grandfather gave him his stamp collection so he’d have something to do while recovering in bed. John continued stamp collecting throughout his life, but he never once tried to organize anything, even though I offered at various times to give him a hand.

          When I began to go through the file cabinets, boxes and trunks, I found envelope after envelope stuffed with cancelled stamps. I knew his sister saved for him, and I wasn’t allowed to just toss a used stamp away. I now gather he had way more people saving cancelled stamps for him. By the time I finished emptying all those envelopes, I had filled a ten-ream paper box to overflowing. I also found many other things which I put into other boxes until such time I could sit down and try to organize it.

          At one point in the fall I contacted the president of a local stamp club. What a small world it is…this man actually knew John when they were in elementary school and graduated from the same high school. Between grade school and high school, they had lost touch. This gentleman and his girlfriend came to visit one afternoon and he perused various stacks of stamp related materials  I put out on the dining room table. It was no surprise to me that the majority (99.5%) of the stuff actually had no value beyond the actual postage. He told me I should just use the uncancelled stamps as regular postage. As a reward for his time and attention, I sent home the box full of cancelled stamps with him. If he happens to find a real treasure, he deserves it for looking at stamp after stamp after stamp after stamp after….

          During this week of Snowpocalypse I’ve not been willing (or able?) to leave home, so I began to go through the boxes of stamp books, folders, envelopes, loose stamps, etc. The majority of it is now organized from several cardboard boxes to one plastic box. There's still additional work that will need to be done to complete the reorganization. I’ll get to it at some point.

          Why bother, I’m sure you’re asking yourself. Well, first of all, it’s kinda interesting; and while it currently has no huge monetary value (with a very few exceptions), it may become valuable in the future. I like to think of my grandchildren (or even children when they’re really really old) looking at the beautifully organized stamp collection and appreciating the beauty and the history that spans all of the 20^th and part of the 21^st centuries.

          And, just maybe, since things seem to come around again and again, the value of this collection will become huge; and while they enjoy the comforts brought, they can think of John with appreciation for his collecting ability and me for my curating abilities…a nice dream anyway.

MY GROCERY BILL IS WAY LESS

Since my previous post had to do with Costco, I thought I'd follow up with this one about shopping, cooking and eating. Grocery shopping has never been a great deal of fun, but now is isn’t fun at all even though I can buy anything I want without having to consider John’s likes and dislikes. Still, I guess about 90% of what I bought at the store was purchased for John because my grocery bill has gone from hundreds of dollars a month to maybe a couple hundred. Still, I am eating well and find I am enjoying being able to cook just for myself because my choices can be of a much wider variety. 

John was always a good eater and ate a lot of fruit. I don’t eat that much fruit, but I do eat way more vegetables than John ever thought about…his idea of a vegetable was green beans out of a can. Salad was one iceberg lettuce leaf with half a bottle of dressing. He liked hamburger patties…me not so much; and I haven’t cooked one since he died. He didn’t want steak, no matter how tender because it was “difficult” to chew; and yet, he loved pork chops and could eat them often. What’s the difference between chewing steak and a pork chop??? 

As an example of what I like, I made my first Thai salmon curry a few weeks ago. This is a dish I discovered a long time ago at a Thai restaurant that went out of business. Since then I’ve found only one other restaurant that offered this spicy and yummy treat. My shopping trip that week included things like red curry paste, Thai fish sauce, Thai basil and bell peppers (John was allergic to bell peppers and just the smell would make him gag.) My first attempt turned out very well although it could have been a bit spicier…next time. 

WHAT ABOUT COSTCO????

          Part of my grocery shopping usually included a weekly or biweekly trip to Costco. Now I’m wondering if I should renew my membership when it expires. True, I’d still most likely buy toilet paper, paper towels, napkins, and detergent, to think of a few things right off the top of my head. I do have a feeling though that just one HUGE package of each might last just me for most of the year. On the other hand, I won’t be purchasing those big boxes of cereal, crackers, multiple cans of soup, green beans, chicken stock, John’s flavored coffee, sugar substitute, fresh and frozen fruit or anything in the way of food that comes in big family-sized amounts. 

        However, I do like Kirkland Gin and it’s fairly cheap compared to other brands at other stores. Then there’s cheap gas and I love their pizza slices and hotdogs. I also got my hearing aids there and get them cleaned every few months or so.

          My membership expires in February. I guess I should know by then if I should remain a member or not.

SLEEPING ALONE

           Sleeping alone is not new for me. Some years before John died, we began to occupy separate rooms. I was actually hoist on my own petard. I was still working then, so it had to be at least 10 years ago or more. Back then, I liked to go to bed at 10:00 pm and have the TV on until I fell asleep. One evening Mr. Crankypants was crabby about having to wait until I went to sleep to go to bed. So, I said, “Fine, I’ll just sleep in the other bedroom.” And did.

          Well, I waited for him to invite me back to the marital bed, but he didn’t. When I broached the subject, he said he slept much better without me because he could spread out. Translate that to he still occupied his small section of the California king while the dog slept crossways in the remainder of the bed.

          As time went by, I would have eventually moved anyway because John snored so loudly, and he began to get up every night in the middle of the night to take his medication and be on the computer for a couple of hours. Even across the hall in my own room, there were nights when he and the dog(s) would wake me up as they got up or returned to bed.

          Of course, our sex life didn’t end with separate rooms. I would “visit” on occasion when the dog(s) were barred and the bedding fresh. There was closeness then with the evening delight, but I’d eventually allow the dog(s) back in and return to my own bed.

          Now, I don’t recommend sleeping alone if you have a spouse to sleep with. I sorely missed the snuggles, the late-night talk, the feeling of closeness. In fact, I still miss all those things today. While I might have tried to rectify sleeping alone before John’s death, I never did and it saddens me to know there won’t ever be any more snuggles or closeness.

          Looking back, I cherish those mornings, afternoons and evenings when we shared the marital bed. I also cherish the fact we had an amazing sexual relationship. Maybe I’ll write more about that another time.