MY GROCERY BILL IS WAY LESS

Since my previous post had to do with Costco, I thought I'd follow up with this one about shopping, cooking and eating. Grocery shopping has never been a great deal of fun, but now is isn’t fun at all even though I can buy anything I want without having to consider John’s likes and dislikes. Still, I guess about 90% of what I bought at the store was purchased for John because my grocery bill has gone from hundreds of dollars a month to maybe a couple hundred. Still, I am eating well and find I am enjoying being able to cook just for myself because my choices can be of a much wider variety. 

John was always a good eater and ate a lot of fruit. I don’t eat that much fruit, but I do eat way more vegetables than John ever thought about…his idea of a vegetable was green beans out of a can. Salad was one iceberg lettuce leaf with half a bottle of dressing. He liked hamburger patties…me not so much; and I haven’t cooked one since he died. He didn’t want steak, no matter how tender because it was “difficult” to chew; and yet, he loved pork chops and could eat them often. What’s the difference between chewing steak and a pork chop??? 

As an example of what I like, I made my first Thai salmon curry a few weeks ago. This is a dish I discovered a long time ago at a Thai restaurant that went out of business. Since then I’ve found only one other restaurant that offered this spicy and yummy treat. My shopping trip that week included things like red curry paste, Thai fish sauce, Thai basil and bell peppers (John was allergic to bell peppers and just the smell would make him gag.) My first attempt turned out very well although it could have been a bit spicier…next time. 

WHAT ABOUT COSTCO????

          Part of my grocery shopping usually included a weekly or biweekly trip to Costco. Now I’m wondering if I should renew my membership when it expires. True, I’d still most likely buy toilet paper, paper towels, napkins, and detergent, to think of a few things right off the top of my head. I do have a feeling though that just one HUGE package of each might last just me for most of the year. On the other hand, I won’t be purchasing those big boxes of cereal, crackers, multiple cans of soup, green beans, chicken stock, John’s flavored coffee, sugar substitute, fresh and frozen fruit or anything in the way of food that comes in big family-sized amounts. 

        However, I do like Kirkland Gin and it’s fairly cheap compared to other brands at other stores. Then there’s cheap gas and I love their pizza slices and hotdogs. I also got my hearing aids there and get them cleaned every few months or so.

          My membership expires in February. I guess I should know by then if I should remain a member or not.

SLEEPING ALONE

           Sleeping alone is not new for me. Some years before John died, we began to occupy separate rooms. I was actually hoist on my own petard. I was still working then, so it had to be at least 10 years ago or more. Back then, I liked to go to bed at 10:00 pm and have the TV on until I fell asleep. One evening Mr. Crankypants was crabby about having to wait until I went to sleep to go to bed. So, I said, “Fine, I’ll just sleep in the other bedroom.” And did.

          Well, I waited for him to invite me back to the marital bed, but he didn’t. When I broached the subject, he said he slept much better without me because he could spread out. Translate that to he still occupied his small section of the California king while the dog slept crossways in the remainder of the bed.

          As time went by, I would have eventually moved anyway because John snored so loudly, and he began to get up every night in the middle of the night to take his medication and be on the computer for a couple of hours. Even across the hall in my own room, there were nights when he and the dog(s) would wake me up as they got up or returned to bed.

          Of course, our sex life didn’t end with separate rooms. I would “visit” on occasion when the dog(s) were barred and the bedding fresh. There was closeness then with the evening delight, but I’d eventually allow the dog(s) back in and return to my own bed.

          Now, I don’t recommend sleeping alone if you have a spouse to sleep with. I sorely missed the snuggles, the late-night talk, the feeling of closeness. In fact, I still miss all those things today. While I might have tried to rectify sleeping alone before John’s death, I never did and it saddens me to know there won’t ever be any more snuggles or closeness.

          Looking back, I cherish those mornings, afternoons and evenings when we shared the marital bed. I also cherish the fact we had an amazing sexual relationship. Maybe I’ll write more about that another time.

MY BIRTHDAY

         I just had my first birthday in 54 years without John. I expected to be a bit sad, but that wasn’t the case. Maybe I’m adjusting to my widowhood. Of course, having great kids and friends surely helped with my day. As always, the day began with a humungous number of Facebook family and friends wishing me a happy birthday. The variety of wishes and manner in which the wishes were expressed is always fun, interesting and a great way to begin a special day.

 

         My best friend was going to take me to lunch. Another best friend (I’m lucky enough to have several) got in touch with her and between the two of them, they brought another three best friends on board for lunch. Another best friend who couldn’t make the lunch took me to lunch the day before.  

          Even though I had expressed a desire for no presents, friends don’t always listen. One gave me a calendar for 2020, which she has done every year for several years, two others gave me excellent books for these long dark evenings (or afternoons…I can read whenever and however long I want), and another cross stitched and framed a piece that says, “Thanks for being my friend.”

           I had forgotten my phone at home, so when I returned, there were two messages. The elder son called and sang the birthday song in his indubitable jazzy fashion and the younger called and he and his son sang me the birthday song. I saved them so I can listen to them any time I need a lift or to be reminded how much I’m loved. 

          My eldest granddaughter sent me a variety of texts (some of which I saved for the same reason I saved the sons’ singing) wishing me happy birthday as well as calling me to chat a bit. Finally, my Tennessee brother called late in the evening to say happy birthday as well. 

          Looking back on all the previous birthdays I’ve been fortunate enough to celebrate, there are some that stand out from others for one reason or another. This birthday will be a stand out as well because even though John was absent, I was blessed with family and friends who made my special day very special.

SUNDAYS...

are probably the hardest day of the week. The only sound when I get up is the furnace which isn't any different than the other six mornings, but it is, somehow. Karma and Kaizer greet me, and I watch from the door as they dash outside to relieve themselves. Then it's coffee and cuddle time in front of the television. I don't turn on the sound, so it's still just the furnace and Kaizer's soft grunts as I rub his ears. 

Unlike the other six days, it’s entirely possible I will go the entire day without speaking to another person. Everyone I know is busy with their families or spouses, so I feel it would be rather rude to call or drop in. That’s not to say I wouldn’t be welcome, because I surely would. It’s more my feelings that Sunday is a family day and except for my doggies, I’ve no family living here in my house.

       Three Dog Night had a song with these lyrics:

                  "One is the loneliest number that you'll ever do

                  "Two can be as bad as one

                  "It's the loneliest number since the number one."

        I've always thought it had to do with smoking marijuana, i.e., one/number, but it might have a different meaning. In any case, there were many times when John was here and the second line certainly applied. Now, it's just me, myself and I, and it's lonely in a completely different way.

         My cure for this lonely day is my list. I'll close this post and look to my list and get busy. Before I know it, this lonely day will be gone, and I'll look to the accomplishments I made as a result.

ALONE AT LAST???

Initially, when John died, I received daily phone calls from my sons, checking up on me to make sure I was doing okay. Friends and neighbors also checked in and offered up invitations for coffee, lunch, dinner, time with them. As the days, then weeks and finally months passed, these connections slowly fell by the wayside. Everyone returned to the life they’d had prior to John’s death. 

          As for me, I had to find a new “normal,” whatever that may be. I returned to my fitness classes, my morning walks with the neighbor and made an effort to see at least one close friend (or more sometimes) for lunch each week. I just didn’t expect it to be so damn difficult.

           It's been months since I wrote the above, and I do believe I've adjusted fairly well. I make an effort to call my sons, friends, and other family and they do call me as well. I make an effort to accept invitations when given and to issue ones of my own. And, yes, it was difficult there for a while, but I learned, and am learning, what it is I do want to do and what I don't want to do. More about all that in future posts. 

ELIMINATING SPACE ENVY

          Decades ago…okay it’s barely more than two…when we obtained our first computer, it was located at the end of the kitchen in what was originally intended to be the breakfast nook. That’s where I sat to write my book and essays. When John retired, he took over this space, and the computer, on a regular basis. 

          At that point, it didn’t matter because I was still working and used a computer all day long. If there was something I absolutely had to do, I could usually accomplish that at work on a break or lunch. When I, too, retired, I bought my own computer and a desk and installed it at the back of the living room. We each had our space at opposite corners of the house.

         Still I had space envy. John's desk window looked out into the back garden. He could watch the birds come and go from the feeders or flowers, the hummingbird stop to drink right beside the window, the squirrels dash about and anything else that happened back there like the time a hawk tried to get one of the chickens.

         He also had the printer and the file cabinets that housed all the information pertaining to our bills, the house, cars, etc. Any time I needed something from the files I had to wait until he moved away from the desk or ask him to move. You have to understand his life became naps and sitting in front of his computer...more time at the computer than in his bed. 

        

I, too, had a window, but was situated in such a way there wasn’t very much I could see from my chair. I tried putting a hummingbird feeder by my window, but they didn’t seem to like it. 

It was probably a month after his death I cleaned up and dismantled his computer. It went home with the youngest son who also took my Dania desk. I cleaned and moved stuff around and finally installed my computer in that space. As I was typing this, Stellar jays, banded pigeons, hummingbirds and a bunch of other smaller birds I may be able to identify at some point all came to visit. It was fun and interesting to pause and watch their antics out my window.  My space envy has been eliminated.