WATER RIGHTS, CHAPTER 16, LUKE RETURNS

 

The last Saturday in October, Hannah buckled Stevie into his car seat and drove into town. They were going to visit Liam and Celia and Hannah needed to pick up supplies at the grocery and feed store. Celia had agreed to keep an eye on Stevie while Hannah did that. It was certainly easier to move about town on her own than to wrangle Stevie into and out of the stores and other places he thought would be more interesting than where Hannah wanted to go.

          In the feed store, she went back to the order desk to see about having chicken feed, pig pellets and some bags of oats put in the back of her truck. While she was standing there, her back to the rest of the store, she felt a hand on her shoulder which sent a frisson of heat through her body and heard a very familiar voice, “Hannah?”

          She froze in place and wanted to simply sink through the floor or magically disappear so she wouldn’t have to turn around and see him. Instead, she reminded herself she was a Wakefield, shrugged off the hand and turned around.

          “Luke.” She responded without a smile or any trace of emotion on her face even though her heart was about to pound out of her chest.

          “Hannah, I was hoping to see you. I was hoping we could have coffee and maybe talk. I’ve so much I want to say, so much I want to explain. Please, it’s so important to me.”

          Hannah stepped back until the counter hit her in the back. “Well, Luke, I think everything was said at my gramps’ funeral. I don’t think there’s much of anything we need to talk about. You’ve gone on with your life and I’ve gone on with mine. I’d say it was nice to see you, but I don’t lie like some people I know.”

          She turned back to the counter and said, “Hal, my truck’s out back, so if you could get someone to put those bags into the bed, I’d appreciate it. I’ve a couple of other errands to get done. Thanks so much.”

          Hannah turned around again, deliberately stepped around Luke and walked slowly out of the feed store. Part of her wanted to run back and throw herself into Luke’s arms, but she wasn’t about to do that. With any luck at all, she thought, no one will tell him about Stevie and I’m so glad he wasn’t with me. I don’t owe him any explanations. Hopefully, he’s just moving through and will be gone tomorrow.

          Luke stared after Hannah and wondered what he could do to get her to sit down and listen to him. Jamison had really done a great job in turning her completely away from him. He turned to Hal and said, “Let me give you a hand with Hannah’s order.”

          When Luke went out back, he was surprised to find the truck indicated was a new one. Things must be looking up out at the ranch he thought. Then, he saw the car seat in the back. It shocked him and he instantly wondered if it was there because Hannah had had a baby or if it was for some other kid. He thought back to all those afternoons at the waterfall and the nights Hannah had crept into his bed. They’d not used any protection at all. They’d been so in love, or so he thought, that it hadn’t even occurred to him that he should have bought some condoms or asked if she was on birth control pills.

          The truck loaded with Hannah’s order Luke glanced inside the cab at the car seat and the toys strewn across the truck seat. He shrugged his shoulders and thought, sorry Hannah, but we’re definitely going to have to have a conversation now. You’re going to have to listen to me and then I’m going to listen to you, but we’re going to have a dialogue.

          Luke returned to his own new truck, one Hannah wouldn’t recognize and moved it so he could see her truck when she returned. He had worked hard the last couple of years to better himself. He’d followed the rodeo circuit, won far more than he’d lost and put everything he could into a bank account. This summer was the last one he’d be doing that. He'd sold his trailer and his rodeo horses to an up-and-coming younger man for a good price. Luke wasn’t the penniless down on his luck cowboy he’d been before. Now, if he could just have a serious conversation with Hannah, he had something to offer which he hoped she’d want, especially now, if she’d had a kid and it was his.

Luke didn’t have to wait long and he was very careful about following her. If she headed out of town, then she was going home and he’d give her time to get there before he showed up. Instead, she turned a corner off the main road and Luke waited and watched as she drove down a couple of blocks and stopped. After she got out of the truck and went into the house, he moved his truck so he could still see hers.

          It wasn’t too long before Hannah came out the front door, carrying what looked to be a little boy. He was dressed like a cowboy and waving and calling over her shoulder to the woman and child standing in the doorway. Luke wished he were closer, wished the cowboy hat would fly off, anything that would allow him to see the child and know whether or not it was his. Hannah buckled the kid in, got in herself and headed toward the ranch. Luke wanted to follow right behind her, but he thought he’d have some lunch. Maybe the kid took a nap. He and Hannah needed to be alone for their talk.

          It was late afternoon by the time Luke turned in the driveway that led to Hannah’s house. He was astonished by what he saw as he drove slowly down the road. The right pasture was now filled with tiny houses and beautifully landscaped with flowers and trees and benches. Further down was a much larger building with a swimming pool adjacent.  The pasture on the left side was occupied by way more horses than the ranch had supported in the past. The barn that fed into that pasture had been renovated and enlarged. As he pulled into what had been the parking area below the house, he found it had been enlarged and asphalted to providing parking for many vehicles. The house itself still sat up on the small rise, but, it too, had been renovated and gleamed a beautiful light yellow in the sun.

Whoa, Luke thought, things have really changed and he wondered if Hannah still lived here or if, and he hadn’t thought of this, but maybe she was already married to someone. The idea Hannah had married someone else made the lunch he’d eaten turn into a brick in his stomach. He seriously hoped and prayed that wasn’t the case, but he’d soon find out.

Luke parked and got out of the truck. He began walking toward the new and much wider steps with sturdy rails on either side when he heard laughter coming from the direction of the barn. The little kid he’d seen came barreling out of the barn with Hannah in hot pursuit. “Come back here you little mite. I’m going to have to do something horrible to you when I catch up.”

The little boy looked back over his shoulder, laughed delightedly and increased his speed. “You’ll never catch me. I’m the fastest in the land.”

Since he was looking back and not ahead, he ran right into Luke’s legs. Luke had seen it coming, so he was prepared. He grabbed the boy to keep him from falling and his cowboy hat fell off. Hannah’s huge eyes looked up at Luke. The boy stopped laughing instantly and it was Hannah’s mouth Luke saw, but everything else in the shocked face was Luke as he’d been when he was small.

“Who’re you?” the boy asked? “If you’re looking for a job, you’ll have to talk to my mom.”

At that point, Hannah arrived and picked the boy up. “Stevie, playtime is over. It’s time you go up to the house, wash up, have a snack and a lay-down.”

“But….” Stevie began.

“No, no buts ands or ifs. It is way past time for a lay-down. If you don’t go do that, there’ll be no pony exercise after dinner.”

Hannah put Stevie down and have his bottom a pat. “Git going, right now.”

Rather than running as he’d been doing before, Stevie, shoulders slumped, cowboy hat hanging down his back slowly toiled toward the house. The way he took each step made it seem as though it were mountain-sized.

“Hannah, we need to talk. All I had to do was look at him and I knew immediately he was my child. Why didn’t you say anything that day you threw me off the ranch? I wouldn’t have left if I’d known. I’d have wanted to be part of his life, of your life.”

“Look Luke, my Gramps had just died. I was leaning heavily on you and then Jamison began to spew all that nasty stuff. At the time, I thought I was going to throw up or faint. It hurt so much to think you were just using me, to use Jamison’s word, fucking me so you could get whatever he wanted, or whatever you wanted. I just wanted you gone, and I still do. So, go on, get in your truck and get out of here.”

Hannah turned to walk away and Luke grabbed her arm and turned her back so he could look into her eyes. “Look Hannah, I’m not going to just go away and leave you and my child behind. I love you, both of you even though I don’t know Stevie. I’m going to spend whatever time it takes to convince you that I loved you when Stevie was conceived and that I love you now. I’ll leave for now, but I’ll be back every single day until you are convinced I love you and that you want me in your lives.”

Luke got into his truck and Hannah continued her walk to the house. She was unbelievably grateful to find Stevie had already been put down for his little nap. She stood in the window and watched as Luke drove slowly down the ranch road to the highway. Her heart was beating so hard. All she’d wanted to do was throw herself into Luke’s arms, allow herself to melt into his body as she’d done before, but that simply wasn’t going to happen. He’d devastated her once and she wasn’t going to allow him to do so again. Besides, she had too much responsibility and work to make room for him in her life. He could come as often as he liked, but she sure wasn’t going to roll out a welcome wagon.

It began the very next day. Luke showed up before lunch. He had a huge bouquet of flowers for Hannah and a book about horses for Stevie. At the time, Hannah was busy in the barn while also trying to keep an eye on her boy.

Hannah took off her gloves, sniffed the flowers and said, “Thank you. These are lovely and smell wonderful. Why don’t you take them to the dining room. I’m sure Dale or someone there can use them for the tables.”

Luke turned to Stevie and held out a book. “How about you show me to the dining room? Maybe we could have something to drink and I could read some of this book to you. Would you like that?”

Hannah could see Stevie was torn by the idea. He knew he wasn’t supposed to talk to strangers or go with anyone if his mom or one of the staff wasn’t present, especially since the ranch had so many strangers as guests. Stevie’s look at Hannah implored her to say yes.

“Stevie, this is a friend from before you were born. His name is Luke and he used to help my Gramps with ranch work. If you’d like to go with him, it’s okay.”

Before Luke could do anything, the book was yanked out of his hands and Stevie was pulling him toward the barn door. “Come on, before mom changes her mind. This looks like a cool book. I like horses. Do you like horses? Can you ride a horse? I have a pony and I can almost ride him all by myself now. Do you have a horse?”

As Luke followed after Stevie, he looked over his shoulder and mouthed, “Thank you.” Hannah watched them leave the barn and the sound of Stevie’s voice fade away. As it turned out, when Hannah went to have lunch, Luke and Stevie were sitting at the same table eating their own lunch. Luke was turning pages in the book and it looked as though they were having a serious conversation about whatever was on the pages. Hannah wasn’t going to bother them, but as if he had some sort of radar, Luke looked up and gestured for Hannah to join them. She really didn’t want to, but was afraid it would look rude or funny if she didn’t.

Hannah filled her plate from the various dishes in the buffet. Breakfast and lunch were always served buffet style, while dinner was served after the guests ordered from the chalkboard menu. When Hannah approached the table, Luke stood and pulled out a chair for her. She sat down and Luke resumed his place. “Wow, mom, Luke’s a gentleman. Mom’s trying to teach me to be polite. She wants me to grow up to be a gentleman. You must be one of those good examples she talks about all the time.”

“Well, Stevie, I wouldn’t exactly agree with what you just said, but I think it is nice if a man holds a chair for a woman. I’m not even sure your mom would say I’m any kind of a good example.”

Hannah didn’t know what to say to this dialogue between her son and Luke so she kind of equivoquated. “Stevie, Luke was a very nice man back when he worked for Gramps. I don’t know if he’s still a nice man, but it looks like he might be.”

“And mom, I love, love, love this horsey book. Did you know there are all kinds of horses. Every time Luke turns a page, I think that’s the horse I want some day. Do I have to only have just one horse?”

“You can only ride one at a time, Stevie, so we’ll have to wait and see what you like best when the time comes.” Hannah replied, flicked a look at Luke, lowered her eyes and began to eat her lunch. She didn’t try to enter the conversation the two were having, but she found the way Luke was treating Stevie endearing and his patience couldn’t be faulted.

When Hannah had finished her lunch, she turned to Stevie and said, “Yesterday, nap time was very late and you were Mr. Crabbypants at dinner and afterwards, so today, you have to take your nap on time.”

“Moooooom,” Stevie whined, “I’m not tired, and Luke and I aren’t finished with the book. I don’t want to nap.” His eyes glistened with tears and before Hannah could say anything, Luke ruffled Stevie’s hair and responded, “How about I go with you to your room. After you’re all ready for your nap, we can look at a few more pages. How does that sound.”

Immediately, Stevie rubbed the tears away and turned to Hannah, “Mom, could we do that? Please, please, please. I promise I’ll be real good. I’ll even brush my teeth without being told.”

Hannah had to laugh at the face Stevie was making. It was his I’ll do anything you want me to if you’ll only agree face. “Sure, I’ve plenty of chores to see to, so if your new friend wants to help you get your nap, that’s fine with me.” She looked at both of them sternly and finished by saying, “But, there’s no funny business, no jumping and leaping on the bed, no being the least bit naughty. Luke will read to you for a bit and that’s it. Okay?”

The two went off together, Stevie holding the book in one hand and Luke’s hand with the other. Stevie tried to match his smaller steps to Luke’s bigger steps until Luke minimized his walk. Hannah looked at the two of them and wanted to put her head on the table and cry. It would have been so wonderful to have had Luke in their lives from the beginning. She shook her head, got up and headed off to the barn.

That was where Luke found her about half an hour later. “That’s some kid you’re raising there. His vocabulary is amazing, or maybe it’s normal since I don’t know a thing about kids.” Luke interrupted her as she took care of some of the tack. “I really hope you’ll let me be a part of his life. Can I help you with anything?”

“No thanks, Luke,” Hannah responded. Just keeping Stevie busy for such a long time was a huge help. I always worry he’s going to disappear when I blink and end up hurt or in trouble. I appreciate you giving him so much of your time.”

“Well, if there’s nothing I can do to help out, I’ll head on back to town. If Stevie askes about me, tell him I’ll be back tomorrow, and I will be. I’m not going to disappear Hannah, no matter how much you may wish I would. I’ll keep coming back day after day until you can learn to trust me, to believe me.”

Luke reached out and gave her braid a little tug. “I can’t wait to see your hair cascading around your body. I’ve dreamed of that so many nights. I love you and I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Hannah stood there as Luke went out the barn door. Her entire body had responded to the braid tug and Luke’s words. She felt as though every single cell from the tips of her toes to the ends of her hair was electrified. Her heart rate had jumped up and her panties were feeling a trifle damp. She wanted to run after Luke, toss him to the ground and ride his cock until every single cell exploded. She hadn’t had a man since the last time with Luke. Her body hadn’t forgotten how it was with them. Her body wanted, desired; and if she wasn’t careful, would be demanding the kind of satisfaction she’d only ever had with Luke.

Hannah shook her head, told herself to quite thinking about such stupid things, especially things that were never going to happen. Luke was welcome to spend time with Stevie, and perhaps they would tell Stevie that Luke was his daddy, but she wasn’t going to ever be part of the bargain, no matter what.

WATER RIGHTS, CHAPTER 15, LIFE GOES ON

 

The new year began and Hannah’s workers and hands returned to the ranch and buckled down to get all the projects either underway or completed. Hannah and Celia had become fairly good friends and she went to a baby shower for Celia in early January. A couple of weeks later Celia gave birth to a baby boy, Liam, which was exactly what they expected. Hannah was amazed at the tender feelings this little guy engendered in her and made her want her Little Mite’s arrival to hurry up and happen.

By mid-February, Hannah didn’t think she could possibly put on another ounce without exploding. Surely Little Mite had to weigh at least 15 pounds or more. It was all she could do to walk from the house to the barn without having to stop and breathe on the way. Coming back was even more difficult and took even longer.

Finally, early morning on the 17^th, Hannah’s water broke and Dale drove her into the hospital. Dale had stayed throughout the December hiatus as had another much younger hand, Jamey, who had said he didn’t have any reason to go home for the holidays because he didn’t really have a home. Hannah also knew the young man, a couple years older than she, had a bit of a crush on her, fat belly and all. She was very careful to make sure she offered no encouragement.

At the hospital, the staff got her all squared away and Dale settled in to be her coach if she needed one. Labor and delivery were surprisingly easy and only took a few hours. Hannah couldn’t believe the feelings in her heart and head when Stephen was laid upon her chest. Even Dale, who’d stayed beside her the entire time was a bit misty eyed. Yes, Stephen, for her own dad and Thomas for her gramps, Wakefield had arrived. He was long, almost 22 inches, lean, absolutely no butt whatsoever even though he weighed almost ten pounds.

Since the day was almost over, Dr. Harvey made the decision to keep them overnight. The next morning Dale arrived and escorted Hannah and Stevie out to the car. Hannah buckled the Little Mite in and they headed for home. When they arrived at the ranch, the entire contingent of people working and living there were outside in the cold waiting for them to arrive. They crowded into the kitchen and Hannah finally had to tell them Stevie wasn’t going to be passed around any longer. Both she and the baby needed to nurse and have a bit of a nap.

Time passed and Hannah, with Stevie snuggled into a chest carrier went about her chores, conferred with Dale and Anita and any of the other workers who had a question or problem. Things were coming along nicely and the web site Anita had developed and marketed had led to bookings that would begin Memorial Day weekend. Not only that, but they were fully booked through July 4^th, and it looked as though WFR TREKS was going to be a success.

Hannah loved motherhood and believed she was a great success at the job. Her Little Mite nursed very well, gained weight as he should and was reaching or surpassing all the milestones in the baby book to which Hannah referred. She and Celia tried to get together at least every couple of weeks to compare notes and get their babies habituated to each other. All their lives were going well, and while at times when Ted was around when she visited, she felt the lack of a supportive husband or partner, Hannah always reminded herself that she had a huge family on which she could rely, a family which she herself had created.

As Stevie grew, Hannah watched for signs of Luke and seriously hoped he had inherited mostly her genes. That was a hope that didn’t come to fruition. Stevie’s skin was far more tan than Hannah’s and he didn’t have a single red or blond hair when his hair started growing. Instead, it was shiny coal black, just like Luke’s. Only his mouth and eyes could be attributed to Hannah’s genes. Oh well, she thought, I loved his daddy when he was created and I’m certainly not going to hold bad feelings because he looks like Luke.

WFR TREKS was a great success and once again, Hannah was so grateful to have Anita on hand. Anita kept everything moving forward in a straight line. There were never any problems with too many clients and not enough space. Dale’s food was excellent. The horses Joe and Dave had purchased early in the year for the trail treks were all excellent animals and Jamey turned out to be an excellent teacher when it came to showing and instructing their guests on how to take care of their mounts and tack.

Hannah led the first trek to the waterfall that August. She thought she might feel nostalgic for Luke and the time they’d spent there, but she was kept busy making sure none of the guests slipped on the rocks or drowned in the pool. Everyone who’d gone said it was one of the best experiences they’d had at WFR.

The decision had been made early on that they’d stop receiving guests after Labor Day. That decision was made because they still had the cattle in the canyons and valleys to bring down and get ready for sale. Since the new venture appeared to be successful, Hannah decided she’d ship almost all the cattle off to market that fall.

October finally arrived and WFR was once again a mostly silent place with only the ranch hands and workers on site. It was time to take stock of the little houses, fix or replace whatever needed fixing or replacing and getting them ready for the winter. It was also time to look at the other outbuildings and barn as well. Once all those chores were completed, Hannah found she could reduce her staff by at least half, if not more. And, when Anita brought her the spreadsheet with the final numbers, she found that they’d made a profit. Not a huge one, but they hadn’t lost any money either. In fact, the profit was enough to add a little bonus to each worker’s final paycheck. As the staff was reduced, Hannah met with each employee, provided a critique of the work they’d done that summer, and offered to rehire them the following April or May, depending on whether they were staff that supported the guests or staff that supported the ranch. There wasn’t a single employee that Hannah didn’t invite back and most said they’d return unless something more permanent year-round came up.

          Finally, everything was buttoned up for the winter and Dale could return to Hannah’s kitchen to cook because those remaining could be fed at the old kitchen table. Hannah liked having Dale, Dave, Joe, Jamey, Chad, Emily and sometimes Anita there for breakfast and dinner. They all doted on Stevie who was no longer a little baby. He now sat in a high chair and ate some of the same food as the rest of them. He was still nursing, but only in the morning and at night. He had been sitting up for a while and crawling in a funny frog-like manner for some time. Stevie had also begun trying to pull himself up on whatever was available. Hannah was afraid he was going to start walking any minute.

          Sure enough, before the end of October at just over nine months, Stevie let go of the chair he was holding on to and ventured forth. He was wobbly, but he managed to get to Hannah a few steps away and looked at her with this huge smile, as if to say, “Looky there. Looky at what I just did.” Hannah had to laugh through her tears as she scooped him up for neck kisses and tummy raspberries. God, I love this kid, she thought.

          They settled into a winter routine. Hannah didn’t have all that much to do, so she spent most of her time with Stevie, playing with him and reading. She went to Celia’s a bit more often and both the boys loved each other and happily shared whatever toys and fun that was available. They seemed to talk to each other in some kind of baby talk that didn’t make any sense to their mothers, but the mothers didn’t care because they loved the fact their boys were already friends.

          Liam didn’t develop as rapidly as Stevie, but he wasn’t far behind. When he saw Stevie walking on his own, it was as though he’d been issued a challenge, so the next time they got together, Liam was almost able to keep up with Stevie. Celia and Hannah both hated the way the boys seemed to be growing so fast and mourned the loss of their little babies. Celia, of course, planned to have another one in the next couple of years, but Hannah figured Stevie just might be her only one.

          Winter was flying by and before she knew it, Liam was a year old, soon followed by Stevie. They went to each other’s birthday parties and in addition to Liam and Celia, everyone who’d stayed over the winter helped her celebrate this wonderful milestone and spoiled the heck out of him. Besides his first pair of cowboy boots which Hannah bought, he received a trike he could ride in the house, other toys and clothes and best of all, Uncle Dale stole the honor of giving Stevie his first little pony with all the tack required. When Dale took everyone out to the barn and put Stevie up on the already saddled pony, it was all they could do to get him off the pony and back into the house for cake and ice cream, his favorite foods. Dale even tried to get Stevie off and allow Liam a walk around the barn on the pony. For the first time, Stevie didn’t want to share. It was a wonderful day although it made Hannah very sad when she thought about the future and not having any more children.

Some of the workers and ranch hands came back in April. And, since the bunkhouse seemed as though it was about to burst at the seams, Hannah proposed Dale move into the house and into one of the upstairs rooms. She made the same offer to Joe and Dave. Both Dale and Joe were happy to move, so two of the four upstairs bedrooms were now occupied. Over the winter, with this in mind, Hannah had used Stevie's nap times and gone through more boxes, tossed, donated or utilized some of what she found, purchased new beds, painted and did whatever she could that would make those rooms more welcoming for their occupants. Some folks might have thought it was a bad idea to have employees actually living in her house, but these men weren’t just employees, they had become family.

          By the time Memorial Day weekend rolled around again, everyone was ready to entertain the guests and make sure they had a wonderful time whether they hiked, rode horses, went to the waterfall or helped around the barn. They had a number of repeat clients from the year before as well as a waiting list. Hannah held a staff meeting to discuss whether they should continue to receive guests after Labor Day. Everyone agreed that it would be beneficial to stay open until the end of September.

          So, spring moved into summer and on to September. By now, Hannah had to keep an eagle eye on Stevie because he didn’t just walk, he ran everywhere. She and other staff tried to impress upon him the fact that some things just weren’t safe, but he didn’t always listen. And, he was a great favorite with most of the guests. His flying black hair, twinkling eyes, huge smile and eagerness to do and to know everything endeared Stevie to whoever came into his orbit. It wasn’t unusual for Hannah to think he was right beside her only to look up and see his little butt disappearing into the barn or running down the walkways at the WFR little houses.

          The one good thing about Stevie being so active is that it really helped Hannah get back in shape. Yes, she still worked hard, but running after Stevie and tossing him around tightened up her muscles, erased some of the baby fat and she had finally begun to wear her old comfortable jeans during the winter. Once she quit nursing which she now only did at night and hated the idea of giving up even though Stevie was going to turn two in just a few months, she thought she’d look pretty much like she had before she got pregnant.

          Hannah had also given some thought to cutting off her hair. Yes, she’d promised her mother she wouldn’t ever cut it, but some days it just seemed so hot and heavy. The only thing that stayed her hand with the scissors was the fact it was so easy this way. She could wash her hair without taking it out of its braid. She could wind it up and have it out of the way. It just seemed the most simple way of dealing with the hair on her head, so she kept it in the braid and rarely combed it down so it flowed over her shoulders and back.

          And so, the second season for WFR passed. It was even more successful than the first. As a result, Hannah gave some thought to adding a few more little houses, enlarging the bunkhouse, increasing the horse herd and potentially adding a swimming pool so guests, especially the older ones, wouldn’t have to ride all the way to the waterfall in order to swim.

          Hannah talked about these plans with Dale, Anita, Jamey and a couple of other employees who had been asked to take on additional and supervisory responsibilities. Everyone thought the ideas she promoted sounded great, so instead of giving everyone a final check, Hannah held a staff meeting, outlined the plans for the winter and offered anyone who wanted to stay on a job that would take them through the winter. A couple of the hands had families and couldn’t stay, but pretty much everyone else was excited about the new plans and staying on. WFR was definitely going to be an even bigger success than Hannah originally envisioned.

          The winter passed quickly and everyone was kept busy bringing in more little houses and doing whatever was required to bring Hannah’s plans to fruition. Stevie’s second birthday was even bigger than his first. He did get new cowboy boots from Hannah, but she had encouraged his various honorary aunts and uncles to be a bit more circumspect and not provide an entire toy store on the big day. For some reason Stevie expected another pony even though he hadn’t outgrown the one he’d received the year before. He was initially disappointed but comforted by Hannah that night when she nursed him for what she’d decided would be the last time. She’d been preparing Stevie for this over the past couple of weeks and he didn’t seem too upset over the idea it was his last nini. Hannah would continue to read to him and cuddle, but her shirt would remain in place from then on.

          WFR was barely ready when Memorial Day arrived and the guest list was much larger than the year before. The new swimming pool was a huge hit and the majority of the guests preferred that to the trek to the waterfall. It was mostly the much younger guests who wanted to ride out there. Again, they had many repeat guests who complimented Hannah and her entire staff on the new amenities as well as the food, treks, events and the wonderful way in which the staff seemed to provide whatever was needed, sometimes almost before the guest knew what s/he wanted.

This, WFR’s third season was even more successful than the ones that preceded. WFR bid farewell to the last guests the end of September. The various staff in supervisory positions were asked to talk to their people and provide a list of things that would need to be addressed over the winter. Once again, WFR had made money, even more than before and once again, Hannah held a staff meeting and reviewed what needed to be repaired and/or replaced, asked for new ideas for the coming season and offered full-time employment with benefits to those who wished to stay. She even offered housing for staff who had families elsewhere. After all, the little houses sat empty through the winter.

After that meeting, Hannah saddled her horse and rode up to the waterfall. It was sunny but already getting quite chilly and she'd dressed warmly. She wanted to be alone to think about everything she’d managed to accomplish since her Gramps had died and Luke had been sent away. Sitting on one of the rocks in the sunshine, Hannah ate her lunch and congratulated herself on thinking of a way to stay on the ranch and have a business. She also congratulated herself on the family she’d built with people who had been complete strangers when they came to WFR. I’m so very lucky, she told herself. My life is good. I have Stevie and all these wonderful people who make up my family. Still, when she thought of Luke, her eyes filled with tears. She let them fall freely and thought, hoped, maybe even prayed a bit that someone would come into her life that would provide experiences the would result in erasing the memories with which Luke had left her.

HEALTH AND HOUSE PLANS

 

This will be my second post for January 2021, a far cry from the 31 posts I made in 2020. With this post, I’ll bring you up-to-date on how I’m doing and what I’m planning, with the goal being a return to fiction writing (and solving Hannah’s and Luke’s problems) in February. Again, I don’t know if I’ll write enough to post each day, but that would be my long-term goal.

First my health seems to be improving. I’ve been able to drop one of the new medications and a follow-up ultrasound of my abdomen showed everything in there as being perfectly normal. An earlier exam had indicated my gall bladder wall was thickened. I tried looking that up, and while I have a medical background (decades ago), most of the scientific terminology about thickened gall bladders didn’t provide a clue as to what the problem might be.

When I talked to my cardiologist on January 29^th, he said I’m doing much better than a lot of people who have had the same problem. He was very impressed that I’m walking almost 75% of my hour’s walk and expect to try for 100% come tomorrow. That’s most likely because I was in such good shape when I became ill. He is having me stop one of the medications on February 14^th and the other one on March 14^th. If I don’t suffer any problems as a result, and I don’t expect to, then I won’t have to resume either one of them. He’s also going to order a chest CAT scan for March or April, just to make sure that everything inside my chest that didn’t appear normal has returned to normal. Again, I don’t expect it will show anything abnormal.

Finally, when it comes to good health, let me just say this. If your health is good, keep on doing whatever it is you’re doing to stay healthy. If it’s not so good, then work with your MD to figure out how to make it better than it is. This was the worst bad health experience I’ve ever had and I don’t want to go there ever again. Even the almost year of breast cancer treatment didn’t knock me down the way this did. But I also know that as I age, I just might have another or more bad health times, but I’m going to keep on doing whatever I can to try to avoid such a experiences.

This occurrence also has caused me to re-evaluate other parts of my life. Before 2020 ended, I was asking contractors for bids on restoring/replacing windows in my house. I also scheduled a foundation firm to come and evaluate and provide a bid for fixing the foundation and leveling the house. Since the house is paid for, I figured BECU would be happy to provide me with a home equity loan to pay for these improvements. I was correct about the loan, but have not completed the necessary paperwork to make it official and don’t plan to do so.

After spending an entire weekend by myself, and I think without a single phone call/text, I decided the absolute best answer for me would be to sell the house as is and find something smaller and more suited to an older person. I considered everything I’d have to do to make the improvements and it sounded like a lot of energy and hard work. I also came to the conclusion that the same amount of energy and hard work would be required to move elsewhere. I do have to admit that making that decision makes me very weepy at times. This house holds 52 years of memories and my garden is full of plants that were given to me by folks I love or planted in memory of folks I love. Not to mention John and all the pets are beneath the apple tree.

I contacted both the window and foundation companies and told them I wasn’t going to proceed. I then contacted the real estate agent (Joe) who had come to visit last fall. I told him I wanted to sell the house as is to a buyer who won’t require an inspection. I told him I would give the information and bids provided by the window and foundation companies to potential buyers and would expect to take a hit on the selling price as a result. I’m sure Joe would prefer to have the inspections done, but I do not want to pay for them and the two major problems have been identified. The plan is to list the house come April.

Perhaps I was a bit stupid, but I found a site on the internet and filled out some information. The enter key had barely been hit when I began to receive emails and phone calls about an estate sale. I didn’t realize I would get such quick and multiple responses. The estate sale wouldn’t happen until the end of March, beginning of April if COVID allows. First, I want to have family members come do a walk through and identify what they would like to take out of this house for their own homes. Except for items which have a lot of meaning for me, everything else in the house will be up for sale. The problem with items that have meaning for me is that I can point to almost anything in the house and tell you where I got it and/or who gave it to me. There are going to be some hard decisions when it comes to stuff, let me tell you.

My goal is to have this house sold and be living somewhere else by June 2021. Joe sends me updates on what comes on the market every other day or so. So far, nothing has grabbed me and made me want to shoot an email back, saying, “THIS IS IT.” It’s actually fun to look at the various condos (lots of those) and small homes (not so many) and try to picture myself living there.

The really exciting part of this whole exercise, aside from moving to a totally new place is buying new stuff for the new place. My living room furniture is too large for a smaller place and I’ve lived with it for almost 50 years and replaced the cushions three times. So, the idea of new furniture, towels, dishes, etc., is extremely exciting. I won’t need as much stuff as I already have here, and hopefully the estate sale will have what I don’t want flying out the door to enhance some stranger’s life/home.

The idea of making a new garden is also inviting although it’s not going to have all the plants I’ve been gifted and that I’ve nurtured for who knows how many years. I know I can most likely take starts from plants like my Great Auntie Lola’s fuschia, but the trees and shrubs planted in memory of a loved one will most likely have to remain. When I think of all the lilies I’ve planted, it makes me sad, but the new owners will undoubtedly enjoy and I can purchase and plant new ones.

Another scary part to this life change is the fact I won’t know a soul in the new neighborhood. Living here, I’m the third oldest person with one woman down the street logging in at 96 and another woman up the street about 89 or so I think. The remaining neighbors are all younger than I, some of them a lot younger with small children. While we aren’t in and out of each other’s homes because it’s never been that kind of neighborhood, I still know everyone and everyone knows me.  I’ll be missing that a lot when I’m gone.

My final concern has to do with the doggies and cat. I can make sure wherever I move allows for pets. Taking Karma and Kaizer with me won’t be difficult, but the cat Zooey, is another matter. I rarely see her and then it’s usually in the rafters of the garage. She has refused to come in since K&K were brought home. I leave the laundry room door ajar so she can come in and eat which is how I know she’s still around…the food and water disappear. I’m not sure how I would go about catching her up and if she’d even stay in the new place. 

So, this is what my spring is going to look like. Spiffing up the house so potential buyers won’t think I’m a total slob; looking at potential new homes; trying not to be too weepy about this big change; curating all the stuff that’s in this house and who knows what else this may entail. January has flown by, at least for me, so it seems like I’ve got a lot to get done by June. Wish me luck.

HERE I GO AGAIN???

 

Well, I guess the first question that comes to mind is, “Have you missed me???” And, please, I hope y’all know I’ve missed you!!! As you all know, I came home from the hospital on Christmas Eve with a slew of MD appointments for follow up. For almost a week, I felt pretty good and tried very hard to not overdo.

On New Year’s Day, I had chills in the afternoon and when I took my temperature, it was 100.7. My chest also began to feel a bit tight and come Sunday, I did an online chat with a doctor. Arrangements were made for me to have another chest x-ray before seeing a doctor Monday morning.

I’d just had a chest x-ray on 12/31 and everything looked fine. The x-ray technician told me Monday morning that one’s heart and lungs can change in the blink of an eye. The Monday x-ray showed I had developed some fluid in my left lung, but not to the extent it had been in the hospital. So, the MD changed my prescription for Ibuprofen to Indomethacin. By the end of last week, the majority of the symptoms had disappeared, and as of today, Friday, 1/15, I am trying to be optimistic and work toward getting back to where I was at the beginning of December.

I’ve talked to or met with via video conference my regular MD and the pulmonologist. I had to have lab work done again Thursday, but am hoping all the numbers have returned to normal so I can stop getting poked every week. My last appointment is a phone call with the cardiologist at the end of the month. At that point, maybe he’ll take me off some of the meds they prescribed and order another CAT scan for some time in March or April to make sure everything in my chest has returned to normal. I’ll be quite happy to go back to utilizing Kaiser a couple times a year, if that, rather than an almost weekly or even daily check-back.

None of the doctors have been able to identify how my problem came to be. Apparently, I developed inflammation in my chest (Did you know they can do a blood test to identify the amount of inflammation???...I didn’t until this happened.) which led to an increase of fluid in the pericardium and my left lung. It’s amazing how much it hurt to breath deeply because of the amount of fluid in both locations. It was also amazing how swiftly my breathing began to return to normal once the fluid had been drained, especially from the pericardium. It’s also amazing how weak I became during this whole episode because I was unable to walk or exercise for more than a month. I wonder how bad it would have been if I hadn’t been as healthy as I was when it all began?

Now, I’m working to regain my strength and stamina. So far this week, I‘ve managed to do my exercises each day. I’ve also walked all around my cul-de-sacs each day a minimum of twice when the rain let up and three times yesterday and today and haven’t felt too terribly exhausted or out of breath. As my son says, “baby steps, ma, baby steps.” Right now, my Fitbit says I’ve walked almost 4,000 steps today. That’s a bit more than half of what I used to step during the hour I walked with my neighbor in the morning. I’m hoping I can return to that hour’s walk beginning Monday.

I lost my appetite during this whole thing, but it finally seems to be returning. I was eating, but nothing tasted all that good, and when I tried to think of something I could order in or make myself, nothing sounded good enough to expend the effort to either get it or make it. So far this week, I’ve made myself something for dinner each night that sounded and tasted great. I even had take-out on Wednesday with a great friend, and we practiced safe contact with masks and distancing from each other at the dining room table…about six feet apart. I’m also hoping to have take-out again today with another friend with whom I’ll also practice social distancing.

I haven’t yet had the energy or imagination to return to posting something on my blog since the end of December. I’m hoping that with this post, I can begin to return to writing. Poor Hannah and Luke have been hanging out there wondering what’s in store for each other for far too long. I’m going to have to go back and read what developed before I can move them forward. I’ve also been playing around with another book idea about someone named Charlie Something…not much imagined so far beyond her name and where I think I want her to go.

I’ve missed writing and posting and hearing back whatever anyone wants to respond. One individual pointed out I only had about four (4) people who were reading my posts, but I think there are more of you who do read, but don’t post a “like” or a comment. And that’s just fine because in most cases, I’m writing for my own enjoyment rather than to receive approbation from the readers. I also found it amazing how lack of energy steals any creative ideas right out of my head. I would have thought that all that laying around and doing nothing would lead to a lot of creativity, but, nope, it didn’t one single little bit. I found that rather disappointing and look at all those days as wasted days and opportunities, although my body was in the process of healing itself and that’s most likely where all the energy, creative or otherwise, went.

For now, I’m not promising to have a blog post each and every day. I don’t have a 2021 goal of posting something every day. I’ll post whatever I manage to create at any given point whether it does happen every day or once a week. Meanwhile, I’m wishing y’all an extremely happy and HEALTHY 2021. I’m also hoping we all can get vaccinated in the very near future.

FINAL 2020 BLOG POST

 

This will be my final blog post for 2020 and I’m sorry to say I didn’t reach my goal of 366 posts, or one each day. I was unable to write and post to my blog during the five days I was in the hospital. Still, I’m proud of myself for sticking with my goal even though the blog posts I initially imagined I would do never came to fruition. Those would have been all the posts I’d have made during my travels in 2020. As we all know, travel was no longer an option after February.

I also envisioned a readership of hundreds, if not thousands, when it came to my blog. I don’t believe my number of readers ever passed ten and certainly not even 20 unless folks read my blog but chose not to “like” or “comment.” But that’s okay, because I found I was writing more for my own self rather than any readers. True, it was nice to see comments, to know people looked forward to the next post, and to read how much they liked what I’d written.

Beyond that, I’m proud of myself for a number of reasons which I’ll reiterate here.

(1)           When I began this blog, I was so angry at John I could barely say a single good thing about him. Over the course of the year, I’ve managed to let go of that anger. Rather than remember how he hurt me I’ve now chosen to remember all the wonderful experiences we shared during our long marriage. As someone told me decades ago: ”There are times in a marriage when you feel as though you are walking alone through a very dark valley and the sunshine is a mere pinprick in the sky. But you persevere and eventually you’ll climb back out of that valley to create and share even better memories in the sunshine. It’s great memories that get you through that valley.” And in our marriage of 53 years, we had far more great, fun, loving and exciting good memories than bad.

(2)          When I began this blog, I thought I’d be blogging about the exciting life I was planning. I managed to go on one cruise before the world came to a screeching halt and I really enjoyed that cruise and blogging about the experiences I had. Since life was definitely not very exciting, I still somehow managed to find stuff to blog about. Hopefully, the majority of my blogs were not full of “poor me” and whining.

(3)          Well, I did get a bit tired of whining and looking for stuff to blog about, so I decided to write an erotic book. I was surprised at how the words fell out of my fingertips. Even more surprising to me was the fact I managed to follow the story line and actually complete my story about SHE. In 2021, I’m going to submit it somewhere and see if it’s publishable. Also, did you know there’s an erotica group on Facebook. I’ve joined, but haven’t done much with them just yet. I’m going to spend a bit more time there and see if I find it helpful. Apparently, you can self-publish through Amazon, but I don’t know anything about that yet either.

(4)          I started a second book that’s more story and less eroticism. It’s something that’s been in the back of my file cabinet for many years. I wasn’t able to finish it before 2020 ended, but I’ll continue to work on it in 2021 and bring it to closure as well.

(5)          Most of all, I found I really enjoy writing. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, or have been a writer, but never actually took or made the time to sit and actually follow through with a project. I cannot begin to tell you how many projects were more or less completed that found their way into the shredder. It makes me feel very good and accomplished when I push back from the keyboard knowing I’ve created something whether it’s a book chapter or a simple blog about gardening or a memory of something in my past. I plan to continue writing because it brings me pleasure.

So, finally, tonight at midnight, 2020 will come to an end. They always picture the end of the year as the grim reaper. This year in particular, the grim reaper has to be totally and completely exhausted from all the souls he harvested throughout the year. I know, like most people, I will be exceedingly happy to see the end of this year.

The beginning of a new year, 2021, is always pictured as an infant. I seriously hope 2021’s infant has had every single vaccination available. I seriously hope this coming year will be 1,000% better than the past year. It is my fondest hope, wish, prayer that by July 1^st, if not before, we’ll once again be able to congregate, exchange hugs and kisses, and look at shelter in place as something in our pasts, that those of us alone don’t HAVE to be alone, but can simply CHOOSE to be alone when we wish to be.

So, I’m wishing each and every single one of you a HAPPY and HEALTHY  2021. And to ensure that it is HEALTHY, please continue to wear your masks, use sanitizer, wash, wash, wash those hands and STAY HOME as much as possible. I’m also hoping, praying, and wishing that come 12/31/2021, this pandemic will be over and that we all learned something extremely valuable from the experience that will make our lives more wonderful going forward.

MEDICAL ISSUES...

 

Seem to have stolen my creativity, or perhaps I’m just more exhausted from the ordeal than I think I am. Saw the MD for a check-back yesterday and all looks fine, although he did tell me that it could take up to a couple of months before I’m totally restored to where I was before this happened to me.

          And, I’m not done with visits to Kaiser. I have to have another chest x-ray tomorrow, more blood work in a week, a video chat with my MD the end of next week, a video chat with a pulmonologist the following week, and today I’ll be scheduling what I assume will be another video chat with cardiology. The fun seems to be leaking into 2021, so I’m going to pretend it’s still 2020 until it’s all behind me.

          I’ve utilized Kaiser Permanente more since 12/1, than I’ve used them in the last two years. The Good Lord willing and the creeks don’t rise I’m hoping to return to that pattern beginning 2/1/2021 and keep it up all through 2021 and quite possibly 2022. I’ve really had enough medical visits to last me for quite some time.

          Today I'll be getting a massage and I'm sure that will make me feel ever so much better. Meanwhile, I thank you all again for your concern and support during this, the most difficult time I’ve had medically since breast cancer in 2000.

DOCTORS AND NURSES...

 

were absolutely amazing. I may have complained about the hospital food and television, but I have absolutely no complaints about the care I received from the doctors and nurses at both Urgent Care and in the hospital. It was so terrific; I plan to write letters to them expressing my thanks and appreciation for how well they all looked after me.

It began with the doctor I saw on Thursday. He called first thing Friday to inform me my red blood count was very low and I should go immediately to Urgent Care. When I arrived at Urgent Care, I barely sat down before they called my name. They took me right in, asked me a bunch of questions and then moved me into a room. Clad in a hospital gown…they are really the height of fashion…there were more questions, blood draws and a trip downstairs for more CT scans.

No one really talked to me about the scans, but the one doctor who seemed responsible for me, eventually told me I was going to be admitted to Swedish Cherry Hill. He did tell me they couldn’t find a reason for why my red blood cell count had gone down, and that it was continuing to drop. They’d get it all figured out at the hospital, he was sure.

Three very nice young men came to transport me to the hospital. They made sure I was comfortable, strapped in securely, and made conversation, probably in case they thought I might be frightened. It was my first time ever in an ambulance, but since I wasn’t critical, they didn’t turn on the lights or the sirens. That was perfectly fine, but it might have been fun to go faster than we did because the roads are so very bad, I felt every single bump and dip.

I figured they would leave me in the ER, but instead, they walked me and my gurney through the hospital. I believe if they’d decided to abandon me at any point, I’d probably still be trying to find my way out of that maze. We arrived at what was to be my room for the next six nights, transferred me to the bed, got their paperwork signed and wished me well.

My nurse that night was Kevin. He was from southeast Asia and I think he told me he’d lived in Hawaii. Actually, his father was in the armed forces, so he lived in a lot of different places. He made me comfortable, took my vitals and returned every four hours to take my vitals again. It was still very difficult to breath.

The next morning, I met Dr. Phan who would be my doctor through Monday. He assured me they would get to the bottom of my problem. Kevin was replaced by Regine and Kristin and they popped in and out with medications, checking my vital signs, checking on me throughout the day. They didn’t allow me any food until late afternoon and I’ve already blogged about that.

Sunday morning, nothing had been accomplished and I felt worse than ever. When Dr. Phan came to see me, I cried like a baby and told him I felt hopeless, that I just kept getting worse and there didn’t appear to be any rhyme or reason. He patted my leg several times and assured me they would figure out my problem and make me well again.

After Dr. Phan left, I got up to go to the bathroom without notifying the nursing station. I was barely back in bed when I had three nurses around my bed. One of them gave me holy hell for getting out of bed. She told me I wasn’t to move from that bed, that they were going to bring a commode or bed pan. The other two nurses were Regine and Kristin and I never saw the one who raised hell with me again. Later on, I learned the reason for the big upset…my heart rate climbed precipitously to 133 during my little trek and I was very short of breath.

I don’t know if it was the tears or exactly what, by come noon that day, I was transferred to an OR where Dr. Demopolis removed the fluid from around my heart. I had been told it was a “moderate” amount, but the doctor and all his assistants (4 of them) seemed amazed at the amount. Dr. Demopolis left the drain in the pericardium which was a good thing since there was even more fluid that leaked out over the next 12 hours or so. The nurses had to change my gown and top sheet twice, plus the bandages twice more to keep up with the fluid that kept draining.

I cannot begin to tell you how much better I felt when the fluid was drained away. The huge rubber band that had been compressing my chest was gone and I could almost take a very deep breath without any pain or discomfort. Finally, we were getting somewhere.

On Monday, the pulmonologist, whose name I didn’t learn and who had arrived the day before while I was in the OR, came to my room with his assistant who handled the ultrasound. Together, they inserted another drain through my left back and removed the fluid that was in the plural membrane. Again, it was way more than they expected. This doctor also told me that as my lung re-inflated and expanded I might have some pain. Fortunately, there was no additional pain and I could actually take a very deep breath.

Regine and Kristin continued to take care of me on Monday and on Tuesday, it was just Regine. They didn’t come to check on me quite as often as before, but that was okay because I was getting better all the time.

Dr. Phan’s last day on the floor was Monday and he had indicated maybe I could go home on Tuesday. Dr. Burney replaced Dr. Phan and there was no way I as going to be discharged on Tuesday. She didn’t have any answers to any of the questions as to why this had happened to me nor were there any answers to why I had become anemic so quickly. It was possible I could go home Wednesday, but she wasn’t going to make that decision until then.

On Wednesday, my nurses were Courtney and Jen. Courtney had just graduated from nursing school and Jen was her mentor. They also took excellent care of me. Unfortunately, Dr. Burney still didn’t have enough answers to allow me to go home on Wednesday, but she more or less promised I could go Thursday morning.

Dr. Burney kept her promise even though she still didn’t have any answers. She told me the fluid in the lab wasn’t growing anything, so it wasn’t a bacterium, but perhaps had been viral. She also thought perhaps the anemia was due to the amount of inflammation in my chest, that my bone marrow had decided to take a break from manufacturing those important red cells. However, the blood work did indicate the red blood cells were now increasing as opposed to the decreasing they’d been doing.

It’s been decades since I spent any time in the hospital. Yes, I had both hips replaced and a shoulder repair, but they got me up and out within a day or two. Then, the care I received was excellent, but I wasn’t there long enough to really understand how it all worked.

I found it amazing that no matter who the nurses were that came on duty, my care was seamless. In the space of those seven days, I had at least seven different nurses and the ones going off-duty handed off my care to the incoming nurses. It was absolutely amazing how they coordinated so there were no mistakes or slip-ups. And, they’re not just nurses who administer medical care, but also are responsible for removing the trash and soiled linen. In the past, there was janitorial services who took care of that and I don’t know if it’s a COVID thing or if those chores have been added to a nurse’s workload.

Finally, let me say how amazed I was at the trash that was generated just in my room. I know it’s necessary to keep everything fresh and antiseptic, but the amount of trash generated each day when it came to blood draws, glucose checks, vital sign checks, etc., was simply mind-boggling. Someone really needs to invent that medical thingie they used on all the Star Trek programs…it monitored your body and fixed it without the use of all the products we now require.

I have absolutely no plans to return to the hospital for another stay, but it is exceedingly wonderful to know the care provided is extremely effective. Being either a doctor or a nurse was never a goal for me, but I’m thankful there are wonderful people who choose those occupations. They are a very special breed of human and I don’t think we can ever thank them enough for the work and care they provide.