BON VOYAGE TO MOI

         Okay, Final checklist!!!

     Family phone calls  – check 
     Bags packed – check

     Handbag packed – check

     House/dog/animals sitter – check

     Bills paid – check

     Necessary papers and passes – check

     House clean – check

     Plants watered – check

     Beds changed – check

      EXCITED – check, check, check, check!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

          You’ll probably read this before I actually get in the car and drive to the airport, but basically everything listed will have been taken care of…at least I hope so. I’ve another list(s) I’ll be referring to just to be sure.

          Yes, the bills for February have been paid. Of course, the two Visa cards aren’t due until the end of February and the beginning of March. I believe I’ll have enough funds to take care of them both on my return. If not, I’ll just have to pay the interest for one month (or transfer some money) before I’m all caught up again.

          And, I realize it’s probably kinda silly to clean my house when I’m not going to be here to enjoy it. John always used to tell me to leave the cleaning until after whatever event we were having.

          “People are just going to come and mess it up, so why bother?” He’d say.

          But, I’m sure there are many of you who clean, clean, clean when you know you are going to have company. My friend is going to stay here to look after the doggies, cat and chicken; and maybe she wouldn’t care if I vacuumed or not, cleaned the bathroom or not, but I simply could not just leave it undone. And, yes, by the time I return, there’ll be enough dog hair in the house to make an entirely new dog, but that’s fine. I’ll be so refreshed I won’t mind vacuuming it all up.

          As for being excited, well, yes I am, but I'm also a little bit fearful. I addressed this once before in a blog and expected it would go away as the date approached. But, it's not gone away. I've been having trouble sleeping. I've put off doing stuff until almost the last minute, and that's not like me. My friend Dianne said this feeling of being untethered will fade with time, but I'd like it to be gone NOW.

          Actually, I feel a bit silly even admitting to those feelings. Everyone has reassured me that I'll have a wonderful time and I expect I will. I'm sure once I'm headed for the airport, the anxiety will begin to dissipate. So, Bon Voyage to moi!!!

SHUTTING THE BATHROOM DOOR

          It’s funny how a habit becomes so ingrained I do it without even thinking. Take closing the bathroom door. I’m here all alone. The dogs are barred from getting into the hall and into the bathroom. The doors are locked. Still, I go into the bathroom and shut the door. Why, other than habit and how long ago did it begin?

          When John and I moved here almost 51 years ago, we had so little stuff, the rooms echoed. Now, of course, you couldn’t get an echo no matter how hard you tried. Back then, we chased each other around the house for one reason or another (sex?). I’m sure the kids playing on the grass next door wondered what those crazy “old” people were doing…having fun we were.

          Back then, we also slept naked, moved about the house without clothes and wandered in and out of the bathroom at will. It was always such fun to flush the toilet when John was sitting on it. Of course, when he did it to me, it wasn't quite as funny. He may have locked the door at times, but it was an easy lock to open. We showered together, got dressed (and undressed) together. It was just the two of us.

          When our first child arrived and became a few years old, we began to practice modesty. No chasing each other around in our birthday suits or having morning, afternoon or evening delight in just any old spot in the house. We still slept naked, but always put on pjs or a robe before leaving our room. Even when our boys would come get in bed with us, they always got in bed on John’s side because he would simply move over and cuddle them up. I cuddled them too, but after a comfort period, I would take my boy back to his bed. That’s also about the time we began shutting the bathroom and bedroom doors.

          Eventually, the boys grew up and left home, but we never resumed the fun-filled ways of our youth. I guess the key word there is youth. When young, comfort wasn’t as important as it becomes with age. A hard floor versus soft pillows and a mattress…the pillows and mattress won every single time.

All these decades later, I’m very happy to have those memories of yore. I’m also so happy to have had the kind of relationship John and I had as we began our occupancy of this house. I treasure the fact I have decades of great memories like the ones mentioned above. They bring me comfort when I feel lonely and wonder about things like why I’m shutting the bathroom door. 

How about you? Do you find yourself doing things simply out of habit? If so, what are those habits? I'm thinking about rebelling and leaving the bathroom and bedroom door open all. the. time!!!

I HATE SWEATING AND EXERCISING

I hate exercise. I hate to sweat. I’ve always felt that way. For most of my life, if you’d used gym and my name in the same sentence, it would not have included me sweating or exercising. I would have had to be there for some other reason like my sons’ basketball games.

            I still hate exercise and sweating, but I do it. It all began after I had breast cancer so it would have been some time in the early 2000s. I hurt my shoulder at work and the L&I doctor I saw took one look at my chart and told me,

“We’re not going to treat just your shoulder; we’re going to treat all of you.”

I had no idea what that meant, but I soon learned. I went to work for four hours, had lunch and then reported to this place that no longer exists. There, they MADE ME EXERCISE!!! They called it physical and occupational therapy, but it was exercise, nonetheless. I had to walk on a treadmill, ride a bike, learn how to lift and carry stuff properly and lift weights. I had to do this for four…count em, four (4) hours a day for four (4)…weeks.

When I completed that four weeks, I simply couldn’t stop because I felt so good. My body felt better than it had in a very long time. So, I joined 24-Hour Fitness. Not only did I join, but I got up at 4:30 am and went to the gym. After my exercise and weight lifting, I went back home, showered, got ready for work and went to work. While I still hated sweating and doing it, I actually found myself looking forward to the quiet time in the gym and feeling refreshed once I finished.

Not only that, but I even went to the gym on days off and weekends. I remember John chastising me for going to the gym.

“I don’t understand why you keep doing this. You’re just going to wear yourself out.”

I couldn’t get him to understand that I wasn’t wearing anything out, I was making it stronger to last longer.

When I retired, I not only continued to go, but hired a trainer for a while so he could help me with some things I wanted to make/do better. 24-Hour Fitness screwed up my membership somehow, so I stopped going. Instead, I went back to getting up early in order to walk with a neighbor. We’d walk her husband to the bus, continue on and return home in an hour or so…a bit over 6000 steps to begin the day. Her husband’s retired now too and sometimes he walks with us. Plus, we don’t have to get up at crack of dawn now. 

In years past, we’ve walked rain, snow, sleet, sun, whatever the weather gods tossed at us. This past year, I’ve been a bit more choosy. I’m not willing to walk in a monsoon or when it’s freezing and I could slip and fall. Still, we walk most mornings and the exercise does us good, as does the chit-chat we share.

In addition to walking, a couple of years ago, I noticed the Senior Center offered an Enhanced Fitness class and that my medical provider would pay for it. I decided to give it a try and found I really liked the instructor and the class. For 30 minutes, she makes us march and move around to various music to get our heart rates up. For the next 30 minutes, we slow it down and do strength training. By the time we’re done, I’m all sweaty…yuk…but I feel ever so much better.

Last year I had shoulder surgery, so it was months before I could return to my exercise class. I continued to walk, but you don’t use your arms much for that. Instead, I had a physical therapist appointment every week and was given new exercises each and every time. Let me tell you, those exercises hurt a lot.

My PT appointments finally stopped the end of November, by my PT continues each and every day. You see, I find if I do those stretches, both of my arms feel better, as does the rest of me. When I do the calf stretches, my calves don’t seem to hurt as much on my walk as they do if I fail to get them done. My posture also seems better, there’s less tingling in my hands and fingers, and I just feel taller, stronger and much much better than on the days I fail to do those fifteen (15) lousy minutes of physical therapy.

I guess the point of this whole post is to recognize the fact that I know (as I’m sure all of you do as well) putting in a little bit of time doing something I don’t like very much pays off with great benefits. I guess you could say this post is sort of a “talking to” to myself about being more attentive to my body’s needs on an every single day of the week basis.

If you aren’t an exerciser/walker, may I be so bold as to suggest you get off your duff and begin…you won’t be sorry you did. Take it as the truth from an exercise/sweat hater.

SUPERBOWL SUNDAY WITH JOHN

         Superbowl Sunday. As always, I curled up on the couch and read except for when a commercial or half time came up. Then, I looked up and paid attention. I’ve never really cared much about the game itself, and John always went to his brother-in-law’s, nephew’s or son’s house to watch the game. Although I think last year AJ came here for the game.

          I called AJ that morning to see if he was going to be missing his dad on Superbowl Sunday. Our youngest son, Thor, wasn’t ever into football. AJ said he was doing okay, but thought he’d turn his Dad on so they could still watch the game together. I told AJ I was going to do the same thing and did so…the photos are of John watching the game with AJ and halftime with me...he would have loved the halftime show.

          Of course, there wasn’t any cursing, disgusted yelling or cheering from John this year. But, I like to think he enjoyed watching the game with his son from his red ball and the commercials and half time with me from his Raider’s ball.

NANA LOVES YA!!!

            All the time I see things that illustrate or talk about how wonderful it is to be a grandparent…they’re all true!!! I’ve been a nana for over 18 years. I’m fortunate enough to have four wonderful grandchildren, but today I’m going to write about the eldest…Haley Autumn. There hasn’t been one single stage of Haley’s life that I haven’t enjoyed immensely. True, as with her father and her uncle, I wanted to slow her down so I could enjoy the various stages for longer periods; but, also as they say, time marches on.

          When she was born, I was in the room. Her first photo with her father was taken by me just ten minutes later. I remember how elongated her head was from the birth canal, how much hair she had and how she squawked over her entry into the world. After that, whenever I was with Haley and left, I always said, “Nana loves ya.” (As I now do with all my grandchildren.)

          Halloween was barely two weeks away and what a cute punkin she made when she came trick-or-treating. Of course, she got some candy via her mommy’s milk. She grew so fast, walking alone at barely nine months. I remember the first time we got to have her overnight. She slept in between John and me. I woke up and looked across her sleeping body at John. Both of us smiled, and I know we were both amazed that this little miracle was a part of us both.

          John and I were frequent visitors to see Haley, to have dinner and a movie with her folks, and sometimes just to marvel at how fast she was growing and how smart she was. I’m sure no other grandparents have those feelings…hah!!!

          When she was old enough, Haley and I began a Christmas tradition borrowed from friends. We went to see the Nutcracker every December for six-plus years. As part of the tradition, Nana took her shopping for a nice dress and shoes. Nana still remembers that last shopping trip. Haley wanted a pair of blue shoes that exactly matched her blue dress. Nana wouldn’t buy them because they had like five-inch heels. Haley understood at the end of the evening because the small one-inch heels Nana did purchase were making her feet hurt like hell. I think that was the last time Nana was able to purchase a dress for Haley.

          When Haley began school, I would take her school clothes shopping. She always knew I had a $100 budget; and while she always tried for something just a bit more, she was always happy with the choices she made. I don’t think we’ve been clothes shopping together for years, probably since she was ten. Haley has very particular tastes (good for her) and buys her own clothes now. I, of course, don’t need any clothes since I’m retired and have a closet full which is more than plenty. Still, I’m grateful for those little sessions over the years.

          I’ve plenty more Haley stories which I’m sure to share with you as time passes, but there was a point to this one which is how our relationship has changed in those 18 years. We’re still close, still talk, she shares great stuff with me, and most of that sharing occurs over a meal. And, that meal sharing was my goal with those Nutcracker events. I wanted us to end up in a nice restaurant at some point that served something besides hamburgers and French fries.

         

At Arnies 2/2/20

This past Sunday, I had a Living Social Groupon for Arnie’s in Edmonds. Haley picked me up and we had a delightful brunch. Throughout, Haley talked to me about a variety of topics. She’d flown back to Brookings South Dakota to look at a university there. She really liked the place even though the temperature was minus two. She said the people she met seemed genuinely interested in her and her goals. She talked about her classes at Everett Community College, and how she’s so happy to be through with Meadowdale High School. This girl is a planner (like her Nana), and she’s already made a decision about her current job because her old job will begin anew when the Mariners start playing. She’s also waiting to hear about a job in Montana. If she gets it, she’ll leave in May and be gone the entire summer, or maybe for good if the job lasts into beginning university in whatever place she chooses.

AJ, Ruby, Haley, Angie 12/2019

          I treasure and value all the years, experiences and times Haley and I have spent together. I know she was also Pa’s girl; and while I haven’t asked if she misses him when she visits, I’m sure she does because he always gave her his undivided attention. I’m also grateful her parents, AJ and Angie, have always worked to make sure John and I were an important part of Haley’s life, to always invite us for school events, birthdays, holidays, etc.

          Being grandparents…there’s nothing like it, it’s absolutely great, especially being Nana to a wonderful young woman like Haley…Nana loves ya.

A SAD, TEARY FRIDAY

         Today (last Friday), I woke up feeling very tired and every single joint in my body hurt or ached. This is unusual and I didn’t like it much.

          Later in the morning I was taking the doggies to the groomer. I was still feeling tired and suddenly very sad. I realized I was missing John terribly. I wanted to pull the car over and just cry for a while. But, stiff upper lip and all that…I continued driving.

          My mind, however, wouldn’t cooperate as it thought about how wonderful my body would feel if I could have a good a big hug, pretty much from anyone, but especially from John. He was a very tall man and my head fit just beneath his chin. He had a habit of hugging my head, and I absolutely loved that and the way it made me feel…safe, secure, loved, wanted, important. It made me very sad to realize we hadn’t shared those kinds of hugs for a very long time before he died.

          Now, even as I type this, my eyes fill with tears. My only option for comfort is to hug myself or get on the couch with the now clean, good smelling doggies. It’s not the same though and never will be.

          In my mind I can conjure up one of those hugs, remember how our bodies fit together, how John smelled and felt, how his breath would ruffle the hair on the top of my head, how when those hugs were happening, I never imagined we’d reach a point in our marriage where they didn’t happen. But, that point did come and the hugs stopped.

          Now that it’s far too late, I find myself wondering how we both stopped remembering so much of the good we had in our marriage for decades. Why didn’t we remember? Why did we allow illness, petty shit, habits, anger and negativity to push us apart just when we needed to be drawn together? Both of us were responsible for the push away from each other. I do so wish John were here now so we could talk about how to stop pushing and begin pulling back toward each other.

But, it’s far too late now though. I/we cannot go back, and only I can go forward. I’ve typed most of this post through tear-filled eyes. I’m going to go get on the couch and let our doggies comfort me. Still, what I wouldn’t give today, and probably in many future days, for just one more chance at one of those big hugs with John.

IT'S FEBRUARY!!!

          Congratulations to moi!!! It’s February 1, and I posted on my blog Every. Single. Day. Of. January. Hopefully, those of you who read them, enjoyed them and are returning each day for my latest post.

          February is going to be both a great month and a sad month. The great parts will be the cruise I leave for on Friday, February 7. I am already anticipating the beautiful blue water and the warm sun on my bare skin. Another great (or maybe notso great because it emphasizes my age) is my youngest son’s 40^th birthday.

          The sad part will be the 55^th anniversary of the first time John and I met. That will require an entire blog post all its own. I was talking to a friend just the other day and she wanted to know how we met. In telling her how it came about and what ensued in the following days, weeks and months, I realized what a wonderful romantic John was. I also realized that perhaps I didn’t appreciate his romanticism as much as I could/should have.

          I’m looking forward to sharing and remembering those very old times as well as the new memories I’ll be creating as I cruise the Caribbean. Then we’ll have the family celebration of Thor’s birthday, the first one where his father won’t be singing him the birthday song. I hope you enjoyed January's posts and are looking forward to my February ones as well.