GRIEVING...AGAIN?

         It seems I’d be used to losing a day here and there, but I’m not. I hate it even when I’ve done everything I believe I’m supposed to do, including treating myself. I suppose it’s part of the grieving process and normal, whatever that is, but I hate it anyway.

          Thursday morning, I got up had my coffee and did my physical therapy. Yay for me. Then I opened my email to find one from Turbo Tax…it seems the IRS has rejected my income tax filing. But, don’t worry, Turbo Tax will help me fix it. I’ve only been working on income tax and a property tax reduction request for the last week. It’s so infuriating. Honestly, tRump doesn’t have to show his taxes, or maybe even file them, and I have to account for every penny to the IRS and the county assessor. I still haven’t opened that email. I did remove all the attachments to the property tax application because they must be wrong.

          I had an appointment with the audiologist that morning to see if my hearing has deteriorated further. It has, but not much, so that was great news. After that appointment, I went across the street to the Nouvelle Bakery. I bought a thick crust vegetarian piece of pizza which they warmed up for me. I also bought a huge piece of mushroom and goat cheese quiche for dinner and a slice of German chocolate cake for dessert after. After I retrieved my car, I pulled to the side of the road and gobbled down that warm pizza.

          Both driving down I-5 and standing in the bakery, I realized I hadn’t been there since the beginning of last August. That was back when John and I made an almost weekly trip to Kaiser on Capitol Hill for one of his appointments or another. I didn’t always visit the bakery. It depended on the length of John’s appointment.

          Somehow, the realization that this was the first time I’d made that trip since John died made me very very sad. Being all by myself in the car also made me sad. Driving down I-5 and seeing all the changes being wrought made me sad because I didn’t have John with me to remark about all those changes. I felt very alone and that word kept echoing in my head.

          Back home, I texted my walking partner and even though she’d already done her hour, she agreed to walk it again. We walked and talked and solved the world’s problems, not to mention how none of the people in the homes we passed had ever asked us for our opinion about their paint color or plantings. I mean, really, we have excellent ideas that are just going to waste. Even though I didn’t want to walk, I did the entire route. I figured it would make me feel much much better.

          In the house, I put in another load of laundry and folded the towels in the dryer. Changed my clothes and filled up my water bottle before cuddling on the couch with my doggies and a book. I don’t remember what time that was, nor do I think I actually slept, just dozed, but it was after 5:00 pm when I got myself up.

          The laundry has been switched over and maybe by the end of the evening, it will be all done and put away. The doggies have been fed and sent outside, but I don’t feel particularly hungry for either the quiche or cake…maybe I will in a while. Then, in a while, it will be time for bed…will I be able to sleep? I hope so. I just wish that one word…alone…would stop echoing in my head. Alone equals lonely and that’s how I’ve felt this entire day.

          Tomorrow (or today) will be a new day and hopefully the echo will be gone. Maybe I’ll have quiche for breakfast if I didn't eat it last night. I’ll go to Costco to get my hearing aids adjusted. I’ve been told I should probably wear them all the time now. Then, it’s exercise class and meeting friends for a late lunch at Bongos (delicious Cuban food). And, back home, there'll be German chocolate cake if I didn't eat it last night. Tomorrow (today) I’m going to CHOOSE to ignore that echo (if it’s returned) and feel grateful for all the people who enrich my life. Some days it seems making that choice is ever so much harder than others...and this was one of them.