FINGERPRINTING

 

          Here I am, seventy-eight years old and finally gave up my fingerprints to the government. I remember when my gym wanted us to sign in using our thumbprint and I refused to do so. No one was going to have my thumb-print. Now, thanks to signing up for the TSA program in order to avoid the long security lines at the airport, the government doesn’t just have my thumb-print, but a print of every single one of my digits. Guess I’d best not do anything very naughty without wearing gloves and a complete haz-mat suit.

          Of course, at my age, exactly what could I manage to do that would result in the police and/or government knocking on my door? I cannot think of a single thing; that or I have no imagination whatsoever.

          Just this morning while on FAcebook, I read about NikolaTesla who in 1926 predicted the cell phone. He was quoted as saying, “Not only this, but through television and telephony we shall see and hear each other as perfectly as though we were face-to-face, despite intervening distances of thousands of miles; and the instruments through which we shall be able to do this will fit in a vest pocket.” Pretty amazing huh? Since you cannot always depend on Facebook providing the truth, I did look this up and found the quote to be true.

          I also remember a fifty-year-old time capsule that was from (I think) Bellevue High School. One of the kids was reported as predicting the cell phone as well. I think perhaps he may have researched Tesla.

          In any case, giving up my fingerprints is something I never imagined I would do. In fact, in my childhood and youth, fingerprints were only ascribed to criminals and then mostly in mystery novels I read. Fingerprint technology was in its infancy way back then. Per old Perry Mason episodes, about the only thing the police were able to utilize was whether or not the blood was the same type. Maybe later episodes included fingerprint matching.

          Also never imagined by me, myself and I, was color television, microwaves, computers, cell phones and various other inventions which have been abandoned along the way, i.e., I-pods, reel-to-reel stereo equipment, stereo equipment for that matter since we now all have access to any music we want via the internet, ordinary watches, tape recorders, cameras (Yes, avid photographers still use cameras, but normally we just use our cell phone camera.), film, typewriters, etc. I’m sure I could devote many more words to items we once thought amazing that are no longer utilized on a regular basis by the majority.

          Sometimes I like to look back at my childhood and early adult years and admire the fact life was so simple and relatively easy. Books were my main entertainment and I traveled the world, nay, the galaxy and beyond though them. Television was just coming in, black and white and the news was fairly benign with no daily reports of mass shootings, wars on the other side of the globe, the latest on how the rich were screwing over the poor. I’m know there was some of that (Vietnam), but not to the extent we receive it these days.

          In some ways I regret my grandchildren were unable to live their lives as I lived mine back then. Time seemed to pass slowly and life didn’t seem to be on fast-forward. At the same time, I’m amazed at how they have adapted to this electronic age and their ability to utilize their cell phones for just about anything at all, be it ordering pizza or researching information for required school papers.

          Just as I didn’t want to give up my fingerprints, it’s entirely possible the grandkids have already provided theirs. I remember an elementary school program where kids were fingerprinted as a safety measure in case of kidnapping or the child going missing. I’m sure there is much other personal information besides fingerprints they have given up to the government.

          It probably doesn’t matter that the government now has my fingerprints, nor does it really matter whatever information it has with regard to my kids and grandkids. In time, people will most likely have a chip imbedded that will provide whatever information is required as well as provide the ability to perform all the various utilizations for which we now use the cell phone and computer. Were I to be alive then, I'm sure I’d avoid being chipped as long as possible, just as I avoided fingerprinting until just now.

TOP (OR BOTTOM) OF THE WORLD

 

          It is a total mystery to me how I can feel like I’m on top of the world one day and wake up the following day to feel as though the world is now on top of me. Do you ever have that experience? I have it far more often than I would like and cannot identify why this happens.

          Yesterday was a great day and I went through it feeling as though I really had my shit together. I accomplished a lot. There was some back pain, but not serious enough to keep me from chucking the ball for Kuma or take care of my usual chores around the house. I made myself a wonderful dinner of baked potato, baked squash and barbecued country style ribs…very tasty.

          I went to bed feeling good and dozed off fairly soon only to awaken and be unable to go back to sleep for hours. My Fitbit says I slept beginning at 8:42 pm and woke up at 5:47 am. During that time, it shows I was awake for one hour and twelve minutes. I beg to disagree since I know I was awake until almost midnight with the exception of the early doze off. I guess I need to move about in bed a lot more or something to let the Fitbit know I’m not sleeping.

          What woke me up before 5:00 am this morning was extreme pain in my big toe joint where it joins to the foot. The left was much worse than the right and felt as though someone were digging around in there with a very hot poker. It brought me right up out of a sound sleep. Was this due to the shoes I wore yesterday? My Fitbit shows I finally gave up and got up at 5:45 am.

          After drinking my latte and watching the crawl on Good Morning America, I felt so tired I went back to bed and fell right asleep. I didn’t wake up until almost nine when I got up, fixed another latte and my breakfast and began this post. I won’t be attending my fitness class, which begins in one minute, today. But, I do feel much better than I did the first time I woke.

          Once I’ve finished whining here, I’ll do my at home exercise program and maybe take a walk. I’ve not been walking much for some time now, just around the neighborhood with Kuma on a leash. Kuma cannot leave the neighborhood because he is such a horrible puppy, barking his fool head off and jumping around whenever he sees another dog on a leash. Since it’s kinda sunny, maybe I’ll leave the neighborhood and see how far I get on the old route I used to do most every day of the week. That should definitely make me feel as though perhaps I’ve been able to move at least up to the equator. Definitely won’t be a day on top of the world, but at least now I’m not feeling as though I’m on the bottom like I was a few hours ago.

WIDOWHOOD LESSONS

 

          No matter how old you become or what happens in your life, there’s always lessons to be learned. I’ve been a widow for almost four and a half years now and have learned a number of lessons. My least favorite was the fact that no one really wants to hear about your depression, loneliness or unhappiness…and, seriously I totally understand. Still, it’s hard to not have someone who knows you inside and out listen when you need to talk about what is foremost in your mind.

          Of course, in the beginning of my widowhood, family and friends were very solicitous as is perfectly normal. As the weeks and months went by, however, we all returned to our normal lives, except mine was no longer normal. I had to find a new normal. This wasn’t always easy as I’m sure you know if you’ve read my blog since the beginning.

          When John was alive, he always listened when I needed to talk about being depressed, complain about whatever was happening in my life that made me angry or unhappy, or just blow off steam. Sometimes, he’d offer an opinion, but mainly, he just listened…or at least pretended he was listening.

          Before I found my new normal, I began to share this kind of thinking with my kids and friends only to learn they didn’t appreciate my sharing. I mean they didn’t exactly tell me to shut up, knock it off, or ignore me, but I’m not a dummy so I got the messages no matter how oblique. It took some time and a bit of work on my part to make sure I don’t complain about my life or talk about being depressed lonely, or unhappy. And, to be perfectly clear, for the most part I am not depressed, lonely, or unhappy, but I do choose what I share.

          Fortunately, I have Kuma who became part of my new normal about eighteen months ago. While he’s incapable of responding with words to anything I have to say, he does listen and doesn’t even try to pretend he’s not hearing me. He stares back, looks into my eyes and some times tilts his head as though he’s thinking about what I just said. Kuma’s also quick with his tongue or to climb on me in his effort to provide comfort and reassurance…or, it may be more like he’s showing me who’s the alpha.

          The lessons learned in widowhood were the same ones I had previously learned in life. No one, no matter how much they love you, wants to listen forever to a litany of downer talk, that it’s okay to have a downer every now and then, but not always. It’s up to me, myself and I to find or create a remedy for depression (think and look for positivity in my life), loneliness (Kuma sure took care of that), and unhappiness (again, think about and look for what makes me, myself and I happy).

          I believe I’ve graduated from widowhood school with honors…or at least I’m choosing to see it that way today. Kuma agrees wholeheartedly with my graduation honors, and I’ve his tongue marks on my face to prove it.

WHAT IS THIS FEELING???

 

          There’s something I’ve been mulling over for a number of days now. I’ve tried to come up with a word, or words, or a description that fits what I’ve felt and nothing seems to fit. I’m in a quandry. Perhaps you, my dear reader, has had this kind of experience and can assist in identification.

          Last week I was driving on a street I don’t often use and saw something new. As a result, I immediately thought of John and what he’d have to say about the change. As I was thinking this, I felt a stutter, a rebound, almost a physical reaction in my chest to my thoughts. It made me suddenly miss him all over again with a more or less physical pain.

Have you ever had that feeling? It’s almost as if my heart missed a beat or my chest was thumped by an outside force. The result is an almost overwhelming sadness for what was there and is now gone, both with regard to the new whatever it was on the street and John.

Anyway, I’ve tried to identify this feeling with a word or words, but perhaps there isn’t a name. I just know there are times when a finding something new in my surroundings or even a memory will make my heart/body/mind stutter. This feeling is always followed by sadness. I always try to follow the sad with a conscious choice to find and remember a time(s) past that makes me feel ever so much better. It doesn't always work, but sometimes, I guess sad can be good?

Please, feel free to share your experiences and/or identification ideas.