WATER RIGHTS, CHAPTER 19, HANNAH CONFESSES

 

          Miz. Lionel stared at Hannah. Hannah continued to cry, wadding up the napkin and reaching for another. “I’m so sorry Miz. Lionel. I know how disappointed you must be. It was only once, only once and I’m so sorry about the whole thing. I wish I could go back and…. Well, I wish I could undo this or have an abortion or something, but I can’t do that, not after being pregnant with Stevie…I just can’t.”

          Hannah was pulled into Miz. Lionel’s arms and even though Hannah thought she’d cried enough tears after her confession, she continued to cry while the woman patted her back and said, “There, there, honey. It’ll be fine, just fine. Now, turn off the waterworks so we can talk ‘bout this.

          A few minutes later, Hannah’s face was red, but dry. She sniffled and looked at Miz. Lionel who asked, “How on earth did you get pregnant. Never mind that, I know how it happens, but you haven’t been seeing anyone, anyone, lessen you relented and let Luke?”

          Hannah interrupted, “No, no, it wasn’t Luke. He hasn’t been here long enough for me to be two months along. It was back in August. Oh, I hate to talk about it. I feel so stupid and cheap and dirty. It wasn’t anything like it was with Luke. We loved each other and I don’t know how many times we were together before I got pregnant. This was only once, just once. It’s just not fair.”

          “Honey, no one ever said life was fair, and all it takes is one time if the time was right. Believe it or not, this was somehow meant to be. So, you know who the daddy is? Does he know about this baby?”

          “No, and I wouldn’t tell him anyway. He was just a visitor to WFR Treks. He came to do a piece about the ranch. Anita arranged it. It was going to get us some great publicity. And, since I’m the head of the place, I was the one who had to take him all around and show him everything.

          “Miz. Lionel, it had been so long since anyone, except Jamey who I strongly discouraged, has shown any interest in me, complimented me, made me feel pretty and desirable. I was so stupid.”

          “Now, honey, I know exactly what you’re talking about. There you were, a mommy, running a ranch with a passel of workers, never getting out and about or havin’ any kinda social life. I’ll bet that man was handsome and charming wasn’t he?”

          “Oh my Lord, yes!” Hannah responded. “He was Hollywood handsome, charming, well read, interesting, fun, everything I found so attractive I could barely keep my hands on my own reins. I did everything I could to ignore the attraction until the night before he was to leave.”

          Hannah hiccouped and a few more tears fell from her eyes. “It’s so disgusting and I was so stupid. “He asked me to go into town with him and have dinner. I thought it would be fun. It had been a long time since I’d eaten at the Mountain Lodge. I was sure I could handle him and myself. Dinner was wonderful and the bottle of wine he ordered was the best I’d ever tasted. Actually, he ordered a second bottle because the first one disappeared so fast.

          “Anyway, by the time we finished dinner, I was a bit more than tipsy. It was a good thing I didn’t have to drive. When we got to his SUV, he helped me into my seat, then leaned in and gently kissed me. That’s all it took, Miz. Lionel. That’s all it took. I grabbed him, yanked him to me and kissed him back as if I were desperate, and I was, I’ll admit it. I felt like I was on fire from the ends of my hair to the tips of my toes.”

          She paused to take a deep breath. “I feel so ashamed telling you all this Miz. Lionel.”

          “That’s okay honey, believe it or not, I’ve a few memories with my man just like the one you’re describin’. Now, go on, finish, get it all out.”

          Hannah took another breath and continued, “I still don’t know if he planned it or not, but he’d parked the SUV in the darkest corner of the parking lot. Before I could catch my breath or even think, my seat was lowered, he’d yanked my dress up and my panties down and was having sex with me. I’m ashamed to admit that at the moment I loved it, it felt so good. It had been so long and I was so unbelievably ready.

          “When we were done, or he was done, he fixed his pants, raised my seat up and took me back to the ranch. Neither of us said anything and when we got to the parking lot, I got out of the SUV, wished him good night and never saw or talked to him again. He was gone before breakfast the next morning.

          “Oh, I almost forgot. We did get a great article and wonderful publicity when his review was published. The least he could do, right?”

          “So, now you’re a couple months pregnant and not sure what to do about it?” Miz. Lionel asked. “Well, maybe you don’t want my opinion….”

          “Oh, I do, yes I do. I need some serious advice here.”

          “Well, I think you have to have a conversation with Luke. I think you need to be tellin’ him he’s forgiven for what came before, that it’s ancient history. I think you have to tell him that now he needs to forgive you and why. Then, you can tell him you do love him, that you want him in your live, for him to be Stevie’s daddy. It may take some time, but if he really loves you, then accepting this new baby will lead to forgiveness, and you’ll have a great future.”

          Hannah told Miz. Lionel she surely hoped so and had figured that’s what she’d need to do. She just didn’t look forward to the conversation or the confession to Luke, especially after the way she’d been treating him since his return. She also said it was something she absolutely needed to do as soon as possible. She needed to know if Luke would remain a figure in their lives, and the sooner, the better.

          When Hannah got ready to leave, Miz. Lionel gave her another hug and told her to be strong. No matter what Luke’s response was, she was loved and would get through this time one way or another with the support of her big family.

          On the way home, Hannah tried to decide how she should go about talking to Luke. They would need to be away from all the other ranch folks and Stevie. Since it hadn’t snowed too terribly much, perhaps she could think of some reason the two of them could take a horseback ride to huckleberry hill, maybe to talk about what she was proposing they do there.

          So, the next morning when Luke arrived, Hannah asked him if he’d forego his nap with Stevie and ride out and take a look at what she thought she wanted to do on that part of the ranch. Luke agreed and looked especially happy she’d issued an invitation. Stevie, on the other hand, was extremely annoyed to be left behind. He stomped out of the dining hall with his favorite female staff person, Emily, as though he’d stay mad forever. Hannah sighed and thought, he just may stay that way if Luke decides to leave here.

          Thankfully, the temperature was in the high 30s, but it was still cold enough. Hannah had brought along some brownies and hot chocolate she’d offer when they got to the huckleberry bushes. For some reason, as if she didn’t know, she couldn’t get enough chocolate in any form lately.

          When they arrived, they climbed down from their horses, spread a thick blanket on a rock and Hannah handed out the treats. Luke said, “Hannah, I’m so happy and excited you wanted to spend time with me today. Please, let me apologize again….”

          Hannah interrupted Luke and said, “Please, I need to tell you something. First, I need to tell you're forgiven for what happened before, and I'm really sorry it's taken me this long to say it. And, I'm not just saying it now because of what I have to tell you, Especially since it may change your entire opinion of me. You may decide to leave here.”

          Luke laughed, “I don’t think there’s anything you could tell me that would be that upsetting. I love Stevie and I love you. Nothing could change that.”

          Hannah looked up, stared directly into his eyes and said, “I’m pregnant.”

          Luke’s laughing face instantly became serious. His brow furrowed and he said, “How’s that possible. You don’t have a boyfriend. You haven’t had a boyfriend. I’ve asked everyone around the ranch and they’ve all said you don’t date, you haven’t seen anyone since I left. And, you haven’t let me near you since I returned, so how can you be pregnant?”

          “You know how it happens Luke. I was with someone. I was lonely. He made me feel desirable and beautiful. I’d had too much to drink. It was just once, but that’s all it takes. Just once in the entire time since I sent you away. I’m sorry, really sorry, but there’s nothing I can do about it now.”

          Luke got up and paced back and forth in front of their rock. “So, you’re going to have it? Does the other man know? Will he be coming back?”

          “No, and no, and no. I simply cannot have an abortion after being pregnant with Stevie. Even without you, it was a very special time and I don’t regret a single minute of it. And, if you decide you can’t be a father to another man’s baby, then we have no future. You’ll have to decide what you want to do.”

          “So, now that you know your pregnant with another man’s child, you’re ready to marry me? So I can be recognized as Stevie’s real father and as a father to a child that isn’t mine?”

          “That’s pretty much it.”

          “Well, that really sucks. When I came back, you did everything you could to make me go away. You were rude and even nasty. You acted as though I’d never meant a single thing to you. But, now, you’re pregnant and need a father for the bastard in your belly, so you’re willing to forgive and forget everything that made you so angry with me before. That really sucks, Hannah.”

          “Not to defend myself, but I was surprised you turned up again. I was so happy and delighted to see you, but didn’t feel I could show you that since I thought perhaps, although I hoped like hell it wasn’t possible, I was pregnant. I acted that way because I wasn’t sure you would stay and then, when it looked as though you would, I continued because I didn’t want to tell you this.”

          “I love Stevie. He’s mine, but I’m not sure about you Hannah. You’re a big disappointment. I’m going to have to think about what you’ve said. If I do decide to stay, it may be just because of Stevie. I don’t know if I love you anymore. I can’t bare to think of you with another man, whether it was for a minute or a day.”

          Luke took the reins of his horse, mounted and said, “I’m headed back to the barn and then back to my place. Tell Stevie maybe I’ll see him tomorrow.”

          Hannah watched him ride away, packed up their cups and garbage and mounted her own horse. That may be the last I see of Luke she thought. He might have enough love just for Stevie with none left for me or this new baby. She felt unbearably sad, but told herself she’d already done this alone and could do so again.

          When Luke got to the barn, he asked one of the staff members to take care of his horse. “I’ve got to get back to town in a hurry. I’d really appreciate it.” The staff member agreed, and Hannah on her horse watched Luke’s truck fishtail down the drive.

          Back at his place, Luke took the bottle of whiskey out of the cupboard and drank directly from it. He wanted to get as drunk as possible so he didn’t have to think about or picture Hannah in another man’s arms. Over the time he’d been gone, it was the memories of Hannah, her body, her hair, her orgasms and the way she’d loved him back that had got him through the tough times. He desperately wanted to succeed and when things weren’t going well, all he had to do was picture Hannah, naked at the waterfall, welcoming him with open arms. Some nights, he hugged his pillow and pretended it was Hannah in his bed as she’d been in the farmhouse before Thomas died.

          Luke didn’t finish the bottle before he was crying like a baby and cursing Hannah for being unfaithful. He simply didn’t understand how she could have done this to him. And, okay, he’d been a jerk to lie to her way back when, but he’d shown her over and over how sorry he was. And, okay, while he was gone, he’d been with a few women, but they’d been nothing special. Just some skin-to-skin time, the pleasure of being held and wanted. None of them had meant a thing. He wasn’t even sure he could remember any of their names. But, it was different for him, he was a man, he had needs. Hannah was a mother. He’d known she’d had needs before she met him and had serviced herself. Why couldn’t she just have kept doing that?

          Just before he passed out on the couch, still fully dressed, including his boots, Luke muttered, “God damn it Hannah. I fucking loved you. How could you do this to me?”