DECISIONS ARE AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN UP TO ME

 

        Finally, after umpteen trips to the tire store to have my tires checked and reinflated, the young man who helped me this morning told me the right front tire has a nail in it. This tire was the reason my tire warning light kept coming on about every two weeks. The other three tires rarely needed to have air added, but the right front would be down by about ten pounds every time I made the trip.

This ongoing problem and the eventual solution (I have an appointment for Friday to have the nail removed.) took far too long. It made me wish I had a partner in my life who would attend to things like this. On the other hand, John never took care of my vehicle. He believed, and rightly so, that it was my responsibility to make sure my car was in good working order. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t check something if I asked, but if there was a problem, the solution to it was in my court.

This also brought to the forefront my need to get bids to have my fence either repaired or replaced. Things like this were always taken care of by John…after all, he was a handyman. Now, it’s up to me to get the bids and figure out how to proceed. I’ve been putting off calling the men who would come and give me bids for two reasons, i.e., I don’t want the responsibility and I don’t want to spend the money.

John never assumed any responsibility he believed was mine, and I was always so independent I never “leaned” on him for the solution to whatever problem I was experiencing. True, he would play devil’s advocate, but the eventual decision was up to me. I did and didn’t like that aspect of our partnership.

I was raised to be independent during a time when men were expected to take care of their women. Now, that’s not how it was in my family, but all the media devoted to young women growing up portrayed that ideal. Grown and married, I actually expected my husband to take care of me. When our first child arrived, that meant my working days were over and we were both now his responsibility. That rose-colored dream didn’t last very long at all and I was soon back to work and more or less supporting myself and my child. 

Of course, there’s a part of me that is extremely proud of how I’ve managed my life…how can I not be. On the other hand, there’s a part of me that has always loved the idea I could curl up in my husband’s lap and relinquish any responsibility for any part of my life…a silly impossible idea/dream.

So, I just need to face the facts I’ve faced time and time again during my entire life. If something needs to be addressed or accomplished, there is absolutely no point, no matter how desirable, in waiting around for someone else to provide a solution. Like it or not it has been and will continue to be my responsibility…as if I actually ever had another choice. 

MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE EVEN WHEN IT'S HARD

       Last November I turned seventy-nine. That means that this year I will be eighty. That fact and number seem to want to be at the forefront of my thoughts even though I don’t feel (most of the time) as though I’m going to be that fucking old. It’s those “most of the times” when I do feel so very old that are providing me with horrible thoughts about being so fucking old and so fucking near to death…as opposed to all the years before when death was in the far distant future.

Me, myself and I have conversations with each other about how we’re feeling, and yesterday and especially today, we’re not feeling the best. For some reason (I’m old???) during the night and waking up this morning, all my joints ached, not just ached, but hurt…a lot. Why, I have no idea, and even now, as I type this, my left wrist is not the least bit happy. 

What we are having a hard time understanding is how we can all go along and feel absolutely terrific and accomplish so many things on our “to-do” list without feeling the least bit tired or having a single ache or pain. Then, it’s like our good, healthy and active body hides in the closet and the body with all the aches, pains and unhappy thoughts jumps out from wherever it’s been hiding and takes control. 

We have no understanding of why this happens. How can we go to bed, have a great sleep and wake up feeling as though a giant has slept with us, hammering on each and every square inch of our body while we were unconscious is a mystery? What about those other days when we get up, raring to go and accomplish every single thing on our list to end the day feeling great and accomplished. 

Those of you who have followed me on my blog, or know me personally, know I am a great proponent of “I choose.” That is, I believe it’s up to me to “choose” how I’m feeling. If I want to feel great, then I have to “choose” to feel that way. If I want to accomplish a task or tasks, then it’s up to me to “choose” to get them done. This process seems to work for me most of the time, but on days like today when I feel tired and my body is so painful, it’s really hard to “choose” to do anything besides go back to bed. 

Seriously, it’s the fault of me and myself for not making the right choice…of that I’m totally convinced. So, once I finish this blog post, I am going to ignore me and myself and “choose” to kick my ass into gear and accomplish something, anything, that doesn’t include returning to bed for the day. Once dressed, Kuma is in serious need of a bally-ball session and I stated in my driftwood class that I was going to have my Captured Serpentine finished by next Tuesday. Plus, there’s that dish I want to make for dinner. So, aches, pains, doubtful thoughts can just go away because I’m CHOOSING to ignore them and get busy. 

I JUST DON'T GET IT.

 

      I’m sorry and perhaps I’m either too old or too stupid to understand what the hell is going on in the world. I try not to read or listen to the news, but it seems that the world is going to hell in a handbasket…a handbasket held by the man who is our president and who is supposed to look out for all Americans. That’s apparently not the truth.

Just now, I looked at my 401K and realized that I’d lost over two thousand dollars because of the tariffs our “supreme leader” has decided to charge our closest allies, Canada and Mexico. What’s with that? How can he promise to give the American people a great life and institute such tariffs which will only result in my (our) having to pay more at the grocery store, gas station or any other place where I (we) might spend money.

I realize I don’t have a Ph.D. and am not one of the best financial minds in the world, but just how does this idiot think what he’s doing is going to benefit the majority of Americans. The only result I can come to is that he doesn’t give a shit about the average American. He doesn’t care if people go hungry, lose their homes, or find it difficult to manage to live a reasonable life in this country. What is the matter with that man???

And, okay, I can see that the entire government might be just a bit humungous, but I’m not the government. I’m simply a senior citizen who has paid her dues over more than fifty years of her life. Now, as a retired person, I should be able to go to the grocery store or the gas station or even a travel agency and make purchases or plans that will enrich my life. That was what I was promised all those decades ago when I signed up to pay into social security. Still, no matter how overgrown the government may be, it should not affect my social security or the money that enters my account each month.

Whatever is going on in the world, I should still be able to buy what I need in order to survive a normal day, be it oats, power, gas or whatever. Again, what’s wrong with this stupid man that he thinks whatever he believes should be done, whatever he goes ahead and makes happen should have a negative impact on my life…or the lives of my children and grandchildren. 

I’m not a Rhodes Scholar, nor do I have a Ph.D. or even a degree from a four-year university, but I do believe I’m smart enough to understand what this idiot president (not the lower-case p) is in the process of doing. As I see it, he wants to be the dictator (again, lower case) of the entire world. Either that, or he wants to suck the teat of putin (again, lower case) while putting more money in his or other folks (folks who don’t give a rat’s ass about you and me) pockets. 

How did we get here? I simply don’t understand how this man (although a poor excuse he is for one) could hold such an important office and be able/capable of totally fucking over so many of us. I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand, no matter how I look at the entire picture. I also don’t know if there’s an answer that isn’t provided by not one, but two bullets…one each for the p and vp. 

It’s sad, very sad, and I have to admit, I’m sorry I’ve lived long enough to see what was once a great country come to such an ignominious end.

TIME TO GET GARDENING!!!

 

      I want the sun to return. And, okay, I know it comes back every single day beginning with the sunrise. What I’m talking about is having the sun in the sky without any clouds to obscure its shine and heat. I absolutely loved those days last week when it was warm enough to go without a coat and it felt and smelled like spring.

Part of the reason I want the sun to return is that I’m itching to get outside and do more in the garden. I did a lot last week, i.e., raked up all the leaves, had Haley empty all my flowerpots into the garden and raked the dirt in, lined up the pots in the driveway so the rain (again, okay, I needed the rain we’ve had) could wash them fairly clean before I spray them with vinegar to kill off any potentially unwanted pests, and pretty much completely took care of one end of the yard. I was tired and sore, but it felt GREAT!!!

Another reason I want the warmth and sun is so I can continue my gardening. Every year I say I’m not going to grow tomatoes or anything else in the next year. Then, when spring is on the way, I get busy thinking about and planning what I’m going to grow for the upcoming season. I’ve tried using my age as an excuse to not do any of this, but somehow, I believe that as long as I’m able to do this, I should do it. 

I am afraid, however, that I’m letting the fact I’ll be eighty by the end of the year sort of blind me to my actual capabilities. At night in bed, it’s so easy to believe the pain I’m experiencing in various parts of my anatomy will keep me from accomplishing what I need/want to accomplish the following day. It also seems so easy to concentrate on the fact I’m OLD, rather than on the fact I’m still quite capable of achieving set goals. They say you’re only as old as you feel and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Most of the time I don’t think about being as old as I am; and during the day when the majority of my aches and pains are far less noticeable, I do feel as though I’m quite capable of completing any task I set myself. All I need is to make a plan and follow it through to completion, and I do have a plan.

Tomorrow, Costco will begin selling bags of dirt for a lesser price. I’ve held off my C-shopping so I can go and get everything, including six to eight bags of dirt. True, the bags are heavy, but I’ve managed before, plus, I think it was last year, some nice man saw me moving those bags and offered his assistance…and, yes, I took it. I even had one of the C-men push my cart to my car and load the bags for me. So, if worse comes to worse, I can stand there and look OLD and FEEBLE until help is offered.

Facebook recently had a post by a Garden Lovers’ Club which was free to join…so I joined. Already I’ve found a couple of their articles extremely helpful and cannot wait to give a couple of them a try, especially the container planting. I’ve never been very successful with container planning of flowers, but watching that gardener illustrate and explain what he was doing…well, I think I can do that. 

Anyway, age aside, I’m excited for spring, for planting and growing, and watching my hard efforts come to eventual fruition. If all goes as I’m planning, I’ll be posting some photos and bragging about my success. All I need now is for the sun to return to a bright blue sky and bring some heat.