POOR PITIFUL MOI

Please pardon me while I have a huge pity party. I have a wide variety of reasons as to why I’m feeling so down and depressed. My usual way of getting out of this pitiful valley of sorriness is to CHOOSE to not feel this way; however, there are times when the CHOOSE button seems to be frozen and doesn’t allow me to make a choice that would make me feel better. 

Only those of you who live alone will probably understand where I am right now. The house gets lonely, and while I have family and friends, it’s not like they are involved in my life on a daily basis. I deeply envy the friends I know who do have family and friends who do inhabit their lives daily. 

I’m convinced there has always been and will always be something seriously wrong with me. If that weren’t the case, then why am I feeling like this? Why isn’t my life full of family and friends who make more of an effort to be a bigger part of my life. And, okay, you’re thinking I could reach out to those folks, but I don’t feel as though I can. They have lives with their own families, jobs and interests. I’m simply not high on their important list and I don’t feel comfortable in trying to get myself placed higher on that list.

While in this valley of sorriness, I’ve been asking myself these questions:

1. When was the last time a family member invited me to have lunch or dinner, or participate in some activity? There hasn’t been an invitation that isn’t holiday- or birthday-oriented in years. True, when I ask for assistance (which I try not to do), family members respond affirmatively.

2. When was the last time a friend invited me to their home for lunch or dinner or to join them in some activity? And, okay, I do have two friends who are single like me. They do issue invitations which I accept and I issue invitations in return. I also have another friend who makes a weekly visit and does invite me to go out to lunch or dinner, but the other six days she is busy with her family and life. 

         Hopefully, residing in this valley of sorriness won’t last too long. It usually doesn’t, but let me tell you that being here sucks big time. There are so many days and hours wherein I see or speak to no one but Kuma. I guess over time this loneliness builds up until I sink down into the valley. 

        Now, having thought about and written this, I’m hoping that I can climb back out into the world, look around, count my blessings (because I do have blessings) and be grateful for them. 

DECISIONS ARE AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN UP TO ME

 

        Finally, after umpteen trips to the tire store to have my tires checked and reinflated, the young man who helped me this morning told me the right front tire has a nail in it. This tire was the reason my tire warning light kept coming on about every two weeks. The other three tires rarely needed to have air added, but the right front would be down by about ten pounds every time I made the trip.

This ongoing problem and the eventual solution (I have an appointment for Friday to have the nail removed.) took far too long. It made me wish I had a partner in my life who would attend to things like this. On the other hand, John never took care of my vehicle. He believed, and rightly so, that it was my responsibility to make sure my car was in good working order. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t check something if I asked, but if there was a problem, the solution to it was in my court.

This also brought to the forefront my need to get bids to have my fence either repaired or replaced. Things like this were always taken care of by John…after all, he was a handyman. Now, it’s up to me to get the bids and figure out how to proceed. I’ve been putting off calling the men who would come and give me bids for two reasons, i.e., I don’t want the responsibility and I don’t want to spend the money.

John never assumed any responsibility he believed was mine, and I was always so independent I never “leaned” on him for the solution to whatever problem I was experiencing. True, he would play devil’s advocate, but the eventual decision was up to me. I did and didn’t like that aspect of our partnership.

I was raised to be independent during a time when men were expected to take care of their women. Now, that’s not how it was in my family, but all the media devoted to young women growing up portrayed that ideal. Grown and married, I actually expected my husband to take care of me. When our first child arrived, that meant my working days were over and we were both now his responsibility. That rose-colored dream didn’t last very long at all and I was soon back to work and more or less supporting myself and my child. 

Of course, there’s a part of me that is extremely proud of how I’ve managed my life…how can I not be. On the other hand, there’s a part of me that has always loved the idea I could curl up in my husband’s lap and relinquish any responsibility for any part of my life…a silly impossible idea/dream.

So, I just need to face the facts I’ve faced time and time again during my entire life. If something needs to be addressed or accomplished, there is absolutely no point, no matter how desirable, in waiting around for someone else to provide a solution. Like it or not it has been and will continue to be my responsibility…as if I actually ever had another choice. 

MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE EVEN WHEN IT'S HARD

       Last November I turned seventy-nine. That means that this year I will be eighty. That fact and number seem to want to be at the forefront of my thoughts even though I don’t feel (most of the time) as though I’m going to be that fucking old. It’s those “most of the times” when I do feel so very old that are providing me with horrible thoughts about being so fucking old and so fucking near to death…as opposed to all the years before when death was in the far distant future.

Me, myself and I have conversations with each other about how we’re feeling, and yesterday and especially today, we’re not feeling the best. For some reason (I’m old???) during the night and waking up this morning, all my joints ached, not just ached, but hurt…a lot. Why, I have no idea, and even now, as I type this, my left wrist is not the least bit happy. 

What we are having a hard time understanding is how we can all go along and feel absolutely terrific and accomplish so many things on our “to-do” list without feeling the least bit tired or having a single ache or pain. Then, it’s like our good, healthy and active body hides in the closet and the body with all the aches, pains and unhappy thoughts jumps out from wherever it’s been hiding and takes control. 

We have no understanding of why this happens. How can we go to bed, have a great sleep and wake up feeling as though a giant has slept with us, hammering on each and every square inch of our body while we were unconscious is a mystery? What about those other days when we get up, raring to go and accomplish every single thing on our list to end the day feeling great and accomplished. 

Those of you who have followed me on my blog, or know me personally, know I am a great proponent of “I choose.” That is, I believe it’s up to me to “choose” how I’m feeling. If I want to feel great, then I have to “choose” to feel that way. If I want to accomplish a task or tasks, then it’s up to me to “choose” to get them done. This process seems to work for me most of the time, but on days like today when I feel tired and my body is so painful, it’s really hard to “choose” to do anything besides go back to bed. 

Seriously, it’s the fault of me and myself for not making the right choice…of that I’m totally convinced. So, once I finish this blog post, I am going to ignore me and myself and “choose” to kick my ass into gear and accomplish something, anything, that doesn’t include returning to bed for the day. Once dressed, Kuma is in serious need of a bally-ball session and I stated in my driftwood class that I was going to have my Captured Serpentine finished by next Tuesday. Plus, there’s that dish I want to make for dinner. So, aches, pains, doubtful thoughts can just go away because I’m CHOOSING to ignore them and get busy. 

I JUST DON'T GET IT.

 

      I’m sorry and perhaps I’m either too old or too stupid to understand what the hell is going on in the world. I try not to read or listen to the news, but it seems that the world is going to hell in a handbasket…a handbasket held by the man who is our president and who is supposed to look out for all Americans. That’s apparently not the truth.

Just now, I looked at my 401K and realized that I’d lost over two thousand dollars because of the tariffs our “supreme leader” has decided to charge our closest allies, Canada and Mexico. What’s with that? How can he promise to give the American people a great life and institute such tariffs which will only result in my (our) having to pay more at the grocery store, gas station or any other place where I (we) might spend money.

I realize I don’t have a Ph.D. and am not one of the best financial minds in the world, but just how does this idiot think what he’s doing is going to benefit the majority of Americans. The only result I can come to is that he doesn’t give a shit about the average American. He doesn’t care if people go hungry, lose their homes, or find it difficult to manage to live a reasonable life in this country. What is the matter with that man???

And, okay, I can see that the entire government might be just a bit humungous, but I’m not the government. I’m simply a senior citizen who has paid her dues over more than fifty years of her life. Now, as a retired person, I should be able to go to the grocery store or the gas station or even a travel agency and make purchases or plans that will enrich my life. That was what I was promised all those decades ago when I signed up to pay into social security. Still, no matter how overgrown the government may be, it should not affect my social security or the money that enters my account each month.

Whatever is going on in the world, I should still be able to buy what I need in order to survive a normal day, be it oats, power, gas or whatever. Again, what’s wrong with this stupid man that he thinks whatever he believes should be done, whatever he goes ahead and makes happen should have a negative impact on my life…or the lives of my children and grandchildren. 

I’m not a Rhodes Scholar, nor do I have a Ph.D. or even a degree from a four-year university, but I do believe I’m smart enough to understand what this idiot president (not the lower-case p) is in the process of doing. As I see it, he wants to be the dictator (again, lower case) of the entire world. Either that, or he wants to suck the teat of putin (again, lower case) while putting more money in his or other folks (folks who don’t give a rat’s ass about you and me) pockets. 

How did we get here? I simply don’t understand how this man (although a poor excuse he is for one) could hold such an important office and be able/capable of totally fucking over so many of us. I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand, no matter how I look at the entire picture. I also don’t know if there’s an answer that isn’t provided by not one, but two bullets…one each for the p and vp. 

It’s sad, very sad, and I have to admit, I’m sorry I’ve lived long enough to see what was once a great country come to such an ignominious end.

TIME TO GET GARDENING!!!

 

      I want the sun to return. And, okay, I know it comes back every single day beginning with the sunrise. What I’m talking about is having the sun in the sky without any clouds to obscure its shine and heat. I absolutely loved those days last week when it was warm enough to go without a coat and it felt and smelled like spring.

Part of the reason I want the sun to return is that I’m itching to get outside and do more in the garden. I did a lot last week, i.e., raked up all the leaves, had Haley empty all my flowerpots into the garden and raked the dirt in, lined up the pots in the driveway so the rain (again, okay, I needed the rain we’ve had) could wash them fairly clean before I spray them with vinegar to kill off any potentially unwanted pests, and pretty much completely took care of one end of the yard. I was tired and sore, but it felt GREAT!!!

Another reason I want the warmth and sun is so I can continue my gardening. Every year I say I’m not going to grow tomatoes or anything else in the next year. Then, when spring is on the way, I get busy thinking about and planning what I’m going to grow for the upcoming season. I’ve tried using my age as an excuse to not do any of this, but somehow, I believe that as long as I’m able to do this, I should do it. 

I am afraid, however, that I’m letting the fact I’ll be eighty by the end of the year sort of blind me to my actual capabilities. At night in bed, it’s so easy to believe the pain I’m experiencing in various parts of my anatomy will keep me from accomplishing what I need/want to accomplish the following day. It also seems so easy to concentrate on the fact I’m OLD, rather than on the fact I’m still quite capable of achieving set goals. They say you’re only as old as you feel and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Most of the time I don’t think about being as old as I am; and during the day when the majority of my aches and pains are far less noticeable, I do feel as though I’m quite capable of completing any task I set myself. All I need is to make a plan and follow it through to completion, and I do have a plan.

Tomorrow, Costco will begin selling bags of dirt for a lesser price. I’ve held off my C-shopping so I can go and get everything, including six to eight bags of dirt. True, the bags are heavy, but I’ve managed before, plus, I think it was last year, some nice man saw me moving those bags and offered his assistance…and, yes, I took it. I even had one of the C-men push my cart to my car and load the bags for me. So, if worse comes to worse, I can stand there and look OLD and FEEBLE until help is offered.

Facebook recently had a post by a Garden Lovers’ Club which was free to join…so I joined. Already I’ve found a couple of their articles extremely helpful and cannot wait to give a couple of them a try, especially the container planting. I’ve never been very successful with container planning of flowers, but watching that gardener illustrate and explain what he was doing…well, I think I can do that. 

Anyway, age aside, I’m excited for spring, for planting and growing, and watching my hard efforts come to eventual fruition. If all goes as I’m planning, I’ll be posting some photos and bragging about my success. All I need now is for the sun to return to a bright blue sky and bring some heat.

 

      My little whirlwind of entertaining was completed last night. Amazingly, I’m not exhausted and I believe both events went very well, even though I seemed to be horribly disorganized for the first one.

In any case, the baked potato soup, taco salad and German chocolate cake were a hit with all attendees on Saturday. There was one serving left of the soup for Thor to take home, no taco salad, and I sent home pieces of cake with two guests, most of the remainder home with Thor and saved a couple of pieces for both myself and a friend who likes German chocolate cake. I think everyone had a good time…and I know I definitely did. I’m also sure my home rejoiced in having so many voices and so much laughter in house.

Last night’s dinner with AJ’s best friend from high school and AJ and his family also was a great success. I made spicy chicken and was worried for a bit because my BBQ ran out of juice. But I simply brought the chicken kebabs back inside and cooked them in my Ninja grill…they turned out just fine. Again, having folks around the table and being highly amused by AJ and Andy reminiscing about their school days and beyond was wonderful. I learned things I didn’t know that Andy and AJ had done back in the day…and am grateful I didn’t know them back then or I’d be totally white-headed. 

Now my calendar will revert to the usual, i.e., exercise classes, visitation with a good friend most Wednesdays and Fridays with an occasional lunch or dinner thrown in. That’s perfectly okay and who knows but the success of these two events and having a squeaky-clean house just may end up being a new normal for me. Time will tell, although spring is on its way and the garden will be calling my name on a fairly regular basis. Still, the memories from these two events will provide encouragement for future ones…maybe on the deck or in the garden. 

A BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION AFTER ALL...YAY!!!

  Earlier this week I blogged about birthdays and how I was going to miss making baked potato soup and German chocolate cake for the youngest son’s birthday which happening in the near future. Well, that’s not the case now, only a few days later.

I thought Thor’s birthday was on Friday, but in looking at the calendar, I realized it was Saturday, so I called and asked him if he wanted his special soup and cake for his birthday. He needed to check with his wife. He then let me know that he and the kids would come, but that Amber needed to stay home with their dog as well as be available if something came up at her store.

So, I’m sitting here typing this with almost everything ready to go. The table is set, the taco salad (for those who don’t care for baked potato soup) just needs to have the crushed chips put on top, the soup is ready to go in the pan, and the house is clean and tidy. 

It’s been quite some time since I did an event like this; and apparently, I’m in great need of practice. I looked at my recipes and made up my grocery list. Instead of exercise class yesterday, I went to QFC to obtain everything I needed to make the cake and for dinner today. Wouldn’t you know, the one item I absolutely had to have…German chocolate…wasn’t available at QFC. So, even with ice cream in the bags, I stopped by Albertson’s on the way home. That store didn’t have that chocolate either. So, I bought semi-sweet…the internet said I could use that instead although the cake wouldn’t be as sweet.

Back home, I began to get ready to make the cake only to realize I used up almost all my flour and sugar doing my Christmas baking. So, why not go to Spendway because maybe they’d have German chocolate. And, low and behold, Spendway did have it, so I bought it as well as the sugar and flour. Yay, finally obtained everything I needed…NOT.

When I went to make the cake frosting, I realized I didn’t have an evaporated milk, but my friend was stopping by later so I called and asked her if she had a can…and she did. Then, I realized I barely had enough butter to make the frosting, plus I forgot to buy the chips for taco salad.

So, this morning, after breakfast with another friend, we walked across the parking lot to QFC and I purchased the chips and butter. Finally, all done…NOT!!! 

There I am in the kitchen with the taco salad almost finished when I realize I don’t have any thousand island dressing for it. Also, while I had pepper bacon in the freezer, I didn’t have any regular bacon for the soup. So, once again, I went off to the grocery store. And, since now I have everything ready to go, I do believe I am actually finished with my shopping…and about fucking time!!!

Shopping aside, I’m absolutely thrilled that my entire family will be here for dinner; and I do so wish Amber was coming too, but I’ll send home soup and cake for her. To have my usually silent home filled with voices and laughter for a few hours this evening will make my heart swell many many times. So very delighted and grateful this is happening.

TODAY I'M GOING TO ENJOY SPRING

 

      Today, Thursday, February 20th, I’m going to get a huge spring preview…I’m going to the Flower and Garden show. My best friend and I go every couple years to see what’s new and could be incorporated into our gardens once we begin to work in them. I am so looking forward to this little trek today.

First, and most important are the smells…most of the convention center, especially where the display gardens have been installed smells like spring, like blossoming flowers and good growing stuff. I plan to breath deep and breath often as I make my way through the various gardens.

Of course, the majority, if not all, of these gardens are ones I could not replicate no matter how hard I might try. It would require big machinery and lots and lots of money. Still, there might be some small installation or part of an installation I could copy and incorporate into my own garden.

It wasn’t the Flower and Garden show that prompted me to install a water feature in my garden. That came from my one and only tour of the million-dollar homes they used to have once a year. During that visit, almost every single display home had some form of water feature. I decided it couldn’t be that hard to put such a feature into my own garden…so I did and it’s still there adding water music to those lovely summer days. True, it works on winter days as well, but I’m not out there listening.

So, I don’t know what I’ll find during my journey today. I have no plans to spend any money in the section where various companies/people offer garden items for sale. Even so, it’s always nice to look and see what’s new. I’m just going to keep reminding myself of the several purchases I made over the years that I either didn’t use or didn’t work for me…money well wasted.

Today will be a great reminder of what’s to come in the not-too-distant future, a little experience that always helps me get through the remaining gray and cold days. It will also be a reminder for me to begin planning, to think ahead and utilize sunny and warmer days to get my own garden ready to grow and bloom. 

WHAT WAS I THINKING???

 

        What was I thinking??? I have absolutely no idea, just that at the time, it seemed like a GREAT idea. And I’m sure that it will all work out just fine, but it’s been a very long time since I’ve held two more-or-less back-to-back events.

Earlier this month, I had a text from a young man who was like a third son all during high school and beyond for quite a few years. I’ve always missed having him in my life on a more frequent basis. As a result of that text, I invited him to dinner on Tuesday, February 25th. Dinner could have been just me and him, but he was friends with AJ for years and lived with AJ and Angie and Haley when she was small. So, why not expand the invitation list. Now, we will all get to see and talk to Andy at and during the dinner I’m preparing for everyone. 

Initially, I thought son number two’s birthday was on Friday. When I realized it was actually Saturday, I called and offered to make him his favorite meal, i.e., baked potato soup (actually a heart attack in a bowl). He acquiesced although his wife will stay home with the dog that cannot be left alone. So, I’ll prepare soup and a taco salad for those who don’t like that soup…actually folks can eat both if they so choose. I’ll also make a German chocolate cake (both Thor’s and my favorite) and buy some ice cream and candles. Once Thor agreed, I then invited AJ and his family so we can all be together.

To be perfectly honest, I’m looking forward to both of these events. It’s been a very long time since I had family here for dinner (Thanksgiving actually and then Thor’s family didn’t attend). I know what I’m preparing for both dinners…you know too for the one dinner via the previous paragraph. For the second dinner, I’m going to make spicy chicken kebobs, rice, pita bread and salad followed by key lime pie. 

So, all that’s left to do is to finish cleaning house and grocery shop. Then, lots of time in the kitchen on Saturday and Tuesday. I’m sure my cooking will turn out just fine; and, to be perfectly honest, I’m really looking forward to having people, voices, laughter and the odor of yummy food in my home once again…well okay, twice.  

I'D RATHER STAY IN BED

 

      This morning is the last morning until Sunday that I can let Kuma out, have a latte and then return to bed for another hour plus of sleep. The remainder of the week I have commitments that require me to stay up and stay awake.

I love mornings like this one where I get to luxuriate for the additional time in my nice warm bed with Kuma snug against the bend in my legs. True, he sometimes hears something and jumps down to go bark out the living room window, but it doesn’t keep me from dozing off. 

Unfortunately, there is a problem with my laziness…and that is I’m not accomplishing much of anything during that time or even later in the day. I have no idea what’s happened to my git-up-and-go, but it seems to be gone. I know I’m much older now than I was in the past (which is why it’s the past dummy), but how much of my inertia is due to my body being older and slowing down or simply to my brain focusing far too much on how old I am today…and every day, a day older.

Lists…I make lists of stuff I need to do. I faithfully cross off the ones I accomplish; however, there are fewer cross offs than in the past. Is that because I simply cannot complete everything on the list or because I choose not to continue to completion? I honestly don’t know.

What do I know? Well, I know I’d rather cuddle up on the couch with a good book than vacuum or dust. I know I’d rather spend time at the computer doing much of nothing in lieu of tidying the house. I know I’d rather make lists of chores and then totally ignore them. I know I’d rather stay home than go to my exercise class, or even on some days to stay home instead of meeting a friend(s) for lunch or some activity. 

I also know that spring is on the way and there is a myriad of chores that await outside. I encourage myself by envisioning just how beautiful everything is going to be once it grows and blooms. I tell myself I don’t have to work in the garden every single day for hours; that an hour or two a day will suffice. Still, based on what I don’t accomplish inside the house, I find myself wondering if I’ll be able to manage even that hour or two…there’s always a good book calling my name and Kuma likes to cuddle.

Anyway, even though I already went back to bed once this morning, the idea of snuggling back down under the covers is very enticing. But I need to be firm with myself. I need to make one of those lists and begin to work on getting some of those chores done. I may still feel tired once I’ve crossed out some of them, but I’m sure I’ll also be feeling a huge sense of accomplishment…and that great book I’m reading, well, it isn’t going anywhere for another nineteen days. 

BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS

 

      Growing up, birthdays and birthday celebrations were extremely important family occasions. It wasn’t that anyone received expensive gifts, but that the family recognized “your” special day. I continued that into my married life with my family; however, it now seems to have reached a point where there is little to no celebration of any one family member’s birthday.

My daddy became a baker, so while the presents may not have been terribly expensive, the cake was always superb and the desired flavor. Daddy eventually learned how to decorate, so I believe our cakes were decorated by him at some point. I always looked forward to my “special” day and cannot remember ever being horribly disappointed by the gifts, cake, ice cream or celebration.

Once I began celebrating birthdays in my own home, I always asked the celebrant what kind of cake was wanted. Then, I tried to bring this desire to fruition. It wasn’t always easy, i.e., there was the time one son asked for a cake that had like eight layers. It took an entire day just to bake the damn cake. The other son was easy and always wanted German chocolate. John wasn’t much of a cake person and preferred pies, i.e., lemon meringue, cocoanut, butterscotch…any of those would do.

Right up until the year of John’s death followed six months later by Covid, I still prepared a dinner and a cake for family members. Of course, with Covid, there was no gatherings to celebrate any event whatsoever. And, since Covid restrictions have been more or less eliminated, it seems that folks are happy with the celebrations implemented during that period. 

Still, with the youngest son’s forty-fifth birthday in the near future, I’m going to miss making baked potato soup and German chocolate cake. But, even more than the food, I’m going to miss having all the family around the table to celebrate.

DID I OR DIDN'T I???

         

       Yesterday I had lunch with a couple of friends and we were talking as friends do. They very kindly asked me to send them the link to this blog. I just did so. In sharing past tales of my (our) life, one of them also asked me if I'd blogged about the tale I'd just told. I wasn't actually sure, which meant I'd need to go back into my blog, which is now five years old and try to figure out if that had been a subject. I'll need to set aside some time in order to do that. 

        You must know how it is...the older I get, the less I seem to retain. It's entirely possible I blogged about the couple of tales I shared, but it's also possible those tales slipped my mind. I'll need to write the ideas down and then go back and see if the tale has already been told. If it hasn't, you, dear reader, can look forward to some new...and amusing?...tales in the near future.

MATH IS HARD

         

       

       It wasn't until Friday morning when our eldest son texted, "Then I came along 4 years later." in response to a text I sent him, "Your dad and I met 58 years ago last night." that I realized my math was wrong, wrong, wrong. 

     There I was criticizing my son for his poor math skills, i.e., his dad and I had met in 1965 and married in 1966, so it was four years after the marriage that he came along. At this point, it occurred to me that it was now 2025 and if I subtracted 1965 from 2025, I'd get sixty, not fifty-eight. Had to change the blog post I made earlier in the week to reflect the correct number.

    Yep, my son is truly mine, especially when it comes to math...we both suck.

SIXTY YEARS AGO...ALMOST

      At the very end of January, I went to see Nephew Michael. He is John’s sister’s son and I hadn’t been to his house in decades (shame on me!!!). We had a wonderful visit and he toured me around his home. I was amazed at all the changes, additions and extremely hard work Michael had done. He told me that it was his Uncle John who had taught him how to perform most of the work involved in the renovations and changes. 

Michael also told me that he didn’t have one photo of his Uncle John and asked if I could send him some. Apparently, I’m not the only person Michael has told about his Uncle John being responsible for his learning how to renovate/Improve. He said whenever he talked about his Uncle John and his teachings, he would sometimes be asked for a photo. So, I went through the photos I have on this computer. Of course, they only go back so many years because while I went through all the hard copies and organized them by date, I never scanned them into the computer…and I won’t either.

So, I spent a few hours traversing memory lane for as far back as the photos went. Our photos brought back so many great memories of the wonderful times John and I had together as well as memories that are recorded on the hard copies. It also made me remember family and friend times we shared. I didn’t end up crying, but I did feel my heart grow a few sizes. I also felt my mouth smile a lot and my ears were treated to the sound of my laughter when certain memories were evoked. 

This was certainly a timely request from Michael and effort on my part. You see, come the day before Valentine’s Day, it will be sixty years since John and I met. I’ve never forgotten that first meeting at the home of mutual friends, how my eyes began at John’s shoes and travelled upward to meet his golden-brown eyes. I also remember the way my heart/mind jolted as our eyes connected. Love at first sight? Lust at first sight? It was probably a combination of the two.

Exactly one and a half years later, almost to the hour, we married and began a life together that spanned one day short of fifty-three years. Together we created a home, produced children, loved and fought our way through all those years. And, those years contain way more love and happiness than anger and sadness. Most of the anger and sadness were lodged in our final years together. John’s health was failing and I so wanted him to do and get better. That goal was unobtainable and made us both wrathful and miserable with each other. 

Of course, I’m sorry now for not being more patient and understanding during that time, but as anyone whose been there, done that will most likely agree, it’s hard, so very hard to watch someone you’ve spent your life with, someone you’ve loved for all those years slowly diminish. It was scary to think John wouldn’t keep on in my life. It was scary to think I’d end up alone like all the women in my family before me. Being scared made me angry.

My anger didn’t dissipate with John’s death. It hung around for a while longer as I angrily became adjusted to being alone. And, being alone after all those years is hard, so very hard. Some days once the anger was replaced by grief, I didn’t think I’d be able to get to the next day. And this feeling isn’t one I felt anyone else who hadn’t been there and done that would actually understand, so not a lot of folks with whom I could share how hard and lonely life was (and still is) at times.

But, as John had left my life, the anger finally left as well. It was followed by deep feelings of grief that eventually became a bit numb, although there are times those emotions can return and feel almost as raw as they were early on. I learned to live life on my own, comforted by the great memories and lifetime we shared. Michael’s request for photos became this year’s early Valentine’s Day present. While I won’t be getting big hugs, a terrific early Valentine’s Day gift, or great sex, my trip down that photographic memory lane reminded me how fortunate we were to have been so in love/lust for so long, to have shared so many years together. 

I still miss John. I probably always will, but remembering and cherishing what we shared during our life together does bring me comfort. I’m also thankful for our nephew giving me a reason to take a good long look back. For the reminder of how grateful I am even now for the warmth and joy all those trips down our very long memory lane engendered so close to the very date we entered one another’s lives. 

      And, since John isn’t here to provide that See’s one-pound box of dark chocolates in remembrance of our pre-Valentine’s Day anniversary, I’ll make the trip myself and eat them all myself in celebration of the years full of love and memories we shared beginning February 13th, 1965. 

WHY CAN'T I GO TO SLEEP???

 

According to research about being/staying healthy, I should get seven to eight hours of sleep a night. Well, I must be very unhealthy because I’m having an extremely hard time getting to sleep once I’m in bed. And, let me tell you, it sucks laying there listening to Kuma snore and being unable to turn my mind off. There are actually nights, or early mornings, where I’d be happy to go to sleep permanently.

It’s not like I haven’t tried almost everything I can think of or done research about what I can take/do in order to be able to go to sleep. Usually, when I do go to sleep, I stay asleep. Or, if I wake up and have to use the bathroom, I’m able to go right back to sleep. So, what have I tried that allows me to be asleep fairly soon after my head hits the pillow.

• I take a five mg tablet of melatonin but think I’m going to try not taking it for the next week.

• I’ve tried a cocktail before, with or after dinner.

• I’ve tried breathing in and out slowly.

• I’ve tried relaxing my entire body beginning with my toes; and when that didn’t work, I tried doing it in reverse order.

• I’ve tried having the television on, programmed to go off in sixty or one-hundred-twenty minutes.

• I’ve tried reading a book.

• I’ve tried using my phone.

• I’ve tried ignoring my phone for an hour before bedtime.

• I’ve tried a half tablet of Xanax and this does work, but I can’t take it past a certain time if I want to be cognizant the next morning. I also can’t take it on a regular basis. My new MD probably won’t prescribe it again because she believes a glass of wine and a Xanax could kill me. 

• I’ve tried trazadone once which is what my new MD wants me to take in lieu of Xanax. The side-effects from this medication will preclude my taking it again. And, sheesh, I have three refills left.

• I’ve tried more and less exercise during the day to wear myself out.

      As I stated in the second paragraph, I’ve researched online to see if there’s something I can do/take to insure I go to sleep. And, as whoever may be reading this knows, there are a ton of options, most with a hefty price tag. Each possibility “guarantees” it will work for me. I seriously doubt that and cannot afford to keep trying one after another to find that “one,” if there is one, that does the trick. 

     So, there you have it. Why doesn’t one of these solutions work so I could resort to it on a nightly basis? I have no idea. All I know is that I’ve been up for almost two hours and I’m ready to go back to bed. But that’s not a choice I can make because I have stuff to do, stuff that needs to get done. Maybe tonight I’ll fall asleep soon after I nestle into my bed…hope so anyway.

KINDA SCARY MEDICAL PROFILE

          I just printed out my medical “profile” as posted by the surgeon who may or may not perform surgery on my right wrist. Perhaps because I was a new patient to him, his “notes” listed every single thing that’s been and is now wrong with me. Under “Past Medical History,” there are twenty-five notations. Under “Patient Active Problem List,” there are twenty-nine subjects. And, okay, some of those were repeated from the past history list. 

Still, it’s just a bit alarming to count the number of problems and to realize I have ALL these things wrong with me. Sheesh. I thought I was in fairly good health. True, I never check the first choice when asked about my health, but I do always check the second box which, to me, means my health is pretty good. It’s also true that I was/am aware of every single thing on the list. I guess just seeing it listed out, one after the other, in alphabetical order no less, made me pause and wonder how I’m still up and walking around.

I also guess that seeing the “Active Problem” kinda sent me round the bend. It is true that every single thing listed is applicable to me, but so many of them don’t really deserve the “active” connotation, at least in my opinion. I guess I’ll save this printed copy and take it with me the next time I see my Personal Care Provider. Meanwhile, I’m going to continue on as I have been…taking it one day at a time and, for the most part, feeling perfectly fine. 

FEELING JOYFUL

 

         While I may have felt “forlorn” in my last blog post, it’s definitely not the way I was feeling Thursday evening. I was feeling very loved and very fortunate to be my granddaughter’s Nana. But first, a little background.

Some time ago, I made an appointment for Kuma to be groomed. Just a couple weeks ago, I had to make an appointment for an MRI for myself; and wouldn’t you know, it had to be the same day as Kuma’s appointment, although at a different time. Regardless, I wouldn’t be able to pick Kuma up in a timely manner when his grooming was finished.

So, I called granddaughter Haley and asked if she could pick Kuma up after she got off work. She agreed to do so. I was most grateful, and when we had a conversation the day before, she suggested we have Mexican food after I got back home. Sounded great to me.

Haley picked up Kuma and came back to my house. I had my MRI and managed to make it back home from Bellevue by 5:00 pm. Haley and I had already decided we’d go to the Mexican restaurant just up the road from here…her favorite food is Mexican. I figured I’d buy since she picked up Kuma for me. I was wrong because Haley said she’d told me she was buying when the subject of dinner came up.

So, I had a delicious Mexican dinner with Haley which included a Marguerita. Being treated by my grown-up granddaughter was a wonderful pleasure, but the absolute best part was the time she spent with me and the conversation we shared. 

       I cherish these experiences with her even though we may not talk about anything that’s earth-shattering or world changing. Just having her share this time, which included so much laughter and discussion about our mutual interests and futures means so much to me. The next time I feel “forlorn,” I must remember this delightful dinner and the warmth, love and joy it engendered.

FEELING FORLORN

 

It’s the fifth day of the new year and I’m feeling forlorn. This feeling won’t last because I won’t allow it to, but meanwhile, I do, I feel forlorn.

It’s hard being a widow, being alone day after day with no other human to share events, experiences and even just the daily minutia. It’s lonely and the weekly check-ins and visits by family members and friends does little to assuage being alone on a daily basis. My various activities do keep me busy, but at the end of the activity, I’m still coming home to a house whose emptiness is barely mitigated by my faithful companion, Kuma.

Sitting here typing this doesn’t actually make me feel a lot better, but I’ve put my feelings into words. Now, it’s time to get up and get busy with today’s project. Keeping busy does keep feeling forlorn in the background, plus once I’ve completed my task, feeling forlorn will be replaced by the feelings of pride and completion.

TAKING A CHANCE AT PUBLICATION

 

Perhaps I’ve started this year off positively. For some reason, Writer’s Digest began sending me emails, a lot of emails, almost every single day. Most of them I simply deleted because I do not want to join the various organizations or enter the various programs offered. I did take note of the short story contest; however, the submission date was far too soon for me to even consider. 

The emails kept coming and this morning, there was one that said the entry date had been extended. So, I mulled that over, went through my writings and decided to submit something I’d written some time ago. I didn’t like the name, so I managed to change that and just completed my submission. Who knows if it will receive any kind of notice, let alone win one of the top three prizes. I won’t hear until some time in February. So, fingers crossed until then. 

And, since the short story can be placed in a blog, I’ve pasted it in here. Enjoy…or not.

                                        The Wrong Choice

      Dinae was a 15-year-old virgin. She never knew why they chose her to terrorize. She didn’t wear makeup, kept her long wavy hair pulled back into a clip at the base of her neck and wore baggy clothes that weren’t particularly fashionable. In the classrooms, she didn’t participate except when the teacher called on her, and then she kept her answers brief. She kept to herself and didn’t attempt to make friends…friendliness could be dangerous.

      All Dinae wanted was to obtain a diploma from the loathsome high school she was forced to attend without getting caught up in one of the gangs or resort to drugs in order to get by the way her mother had not that many years ago. Dinae wanted a future far away from the disgusting neighborhood and dreadful people. So, she tried very hard to not stand out, tried to simply fade into the background.

Still, the scariest gang leader chose her. He bumped into her one morning on the way to class, and with the help of a couple of his members, pushed her against the lockers. He stank of cigarette and dope smoke, sweat and something sweet Dinea couldn’t identify. She wanted to gag as he rubbed his erection against her, squeezed one of her breasts and whispered in her ear, “Hey bitch, know you’s a virgin. Gonna pop that sweet cherry of yours. Oh, yes’m I shorely am. Bitch you gonna be our train ride.” 

For the rest of the week, every time the leader or one of the gang members saw her, they would grab their crotch with one hand, try to touch her with the other and tell her what they planned to do and how much they’d enjoy it just as soon as they got a chance. After the first couple of days, her breasts and nipples were so bruised and sore, Dinae took to carrying her backpack in her arms in front of her chest so they were protected. 

There was nothing she could really do about what was happening to her. The gangs, especially the one that was terrifying her, pretty much ran the school. Most of the staff weren’t very good and were justly afraid of the students they had to face each day. Dinae was sure they’d all stop working in that school if they had an actual choice.  Her mother wouldn’t be any help either because she’d given up years ago. She’d probably advise Dinae to just lay back and let it happen. Her only respite was to attempt to stay in crowded places as much as possible. Still, she knew that sooner or later, they’d find a way to get to her. 

After more than a week of intimidating, bullying, and terrifying her, the leader managed to cause a ruckus in the school hallway. He did it fairly close to a teacher, and in such a way that it appeared as though it was Dinae’s fault. As the teacher talked to her about her behavior and handed her a detention slip, he and his gang stood behind the teacher, silently laughing, grabbing their crotches, blowing kisses and sticking out their tongues.

It was almost dusk when Dinae’s detention was completed. She hesitated at the exit doors. She looked around as carefully as was possible before she left the school and began to walk quickly toward home. She hadn’t gotten far before she was surrounded by five gang members. Her arms were grabbed and they hustled her down the street and across the asphalt playground toward an old empty portable. Halfway there, the leader said loud enough for everyone to hear, “Can’t wait to throw you down, rip them panties off and stuff my cock up your cunt.  When I’m done, you’re gonna pull train for the rest. Ya know what that is don’t ya? Getting’ fucked by each a us.” The other four laughed and made nasty comments about who would fuck her when. 

There was nothing she could do except go along and keep a tight hold on her backpack.  At least that protected her breasts from the hands that seemed to be all over the rest of her body. Once inside, and the door was closed, Dinae was released and she moved backwards until she felt the wall. The five boys formed a semi-circle around her. 

“Drop the backpack and git on the floor.” The leader ordered as he began to undo his pants. His erection popped free and he moved toward her with it in his hand. The others laughed, grabbed their own crotches, and encouraged him to hurry and take care of bidness.

Dinae stood up straight, the hard wall against her back a comfort. “I said git down on the fuckin’ floor bitch. Do it or I’ll throw you down.” 

He reached out to grab her backpack but halted mid-stride. There was a look of incredulity on his face. A red stain blossomed on his chest. As he fell to the floor, Dinae allowed her backpack to fall as well. In her hand was the gun it had concealed and with which she’d just shot her chief tormentor. 

The gunshot was followed by silence until Dinae’s quiet voice said, “Okay, who’s next?”

A NEW YEAR BEGINS

 

Here I go, poised at the beginning of a new year. When I think about all the days waiting for me to occupy them with fun experiences, chores, and interactions with family and friends, I try to think of ways in which I can enrich all the waiting days. I have to admit I don’t have a plan. I also have to admit there are already events and appointments on this newly turned calendar. 

I wasn’t sad to see the end of 2024. It was a difficult year, maybe one of the most difficult I’ve experienced so far. I have high hopes for an uneventful and enjoyable year. I also have a strong desire to not allow the various challenging episodes of 2024 to be replicated in 2025.

As for resolutions, I’ve never been one to make any, but it is definitely tempting when I look at the calendar of 365 days. How can I not choose to decide to make a promise to myself about something, i.e., take up walking again, eat a much healthier diet, choose one day a week to find and experience something or someone new. Right now, those ideas seem very doable and no excuses for not adopting any of these or other positive ideas have popped up. But, wait. I’ll undoubtedly find an excuse without even trying very hard.

It’s best, I guess, to simply take it one day at a time. Keep the commitments already on the calendar (exercise and driftwood classes) and add any new ones that pop up. Not only that, but make an effort to make and adopt a plan that will bring enrichment and wonderful experiences into my life. 

No promises, either to you or to myself, but I’ll let you know how it goes.