WOE IS ME

 

          Boy, sometimes it seems as though life just has to take a whole bunch of swings atcha. It’s been that way for the past month, more or less. In total, there have been five human deaths, and one dog death with another dog on the Grim Reaper’s lap. Then, in twelve more days, it will be six years since John passed away. Daily, I feel depression calling my name, and daily, I fight it back…but it isn’t easy.

          The first death was that of a man who was maybe fourteen or fifteen when we moved into this house. He lived next door, the middle child with an older brother (who was hit by a car and killed ten years ago), and a younger sister. We watched those kids grow up and maintained contact through their parents for quite a long time. Since hearing of his death, I’ve revisited some of the happenings and tales from way back then. It’s also hard to wrap my head around the fact he was pushing seventy and his little sister is sixty-six.

          This was followed by the passing of my zoo boss’ wife from lung cancer. We’d known since late last year that, foregoing any kind of treatment (her choice), it would be six months or so before she would die.

          The third (and I thought) final death was a huge shock. It was my first zoo boss who had appeared to be in very good health. True, he had some health issues, but none that were immediately life threatening. I don’t yet know what sent him to the emergency room, only that he didn’t return. This was hard because over the years he went from boss to good friend.

          Through the various emails that were generated by the second and third deaths, the knowledge of the death of the zoo’s veterinarian who served for some of the years I was at the zoo was shared. She passed in June and there was little information as to why, but I really liked that woman and had often wondered where she’d gone after my zoo. She made four.

          The fifth death was the husband of a woman with whom I worked at the zoo. Apparently, he had broken a hip and during recovery must have suffered some kind of set-back.

          That’s it for humans. My neighbor’s dog which they’ve had for seven months, developed pneumonia and passed the beginning of last week. My son’s dog is, as stated earlier, sitting in the lap of the grim reaper waiting for her owner to find a vet willing to come to the house and administer last rights.

          As I said in the beginning paragraph, I’m battling depression as a result, but what really brought it all home was a little sojourn to University Village yesterday. One of the stores visited was the Crate and Barrel. Many of you are probably familiar with this store. I wandered around both the bottom and top floors and admired all the wondrous items on hand for sale.

          As much as I appreciated the dishes, silverware, appliances, linens, lamps and furniture, it made me sad because I will never have need of any of the stuff contained in that store. I live in my own house with furniture I’ve had for decades (except for the bedroom furniture I bought four years ago). I also have every other thing I could acquire at the Crate and Barrel. Mine is all in good condition, isn’t close to being worn out and there’s absolutely no need to look for replacements.

          I guess I saw it as another way to look at how close to the end of my life I’m coming. Supposedly, I’m at the point where I’m expected to be “downsizing” and eliminating “stuff” from my life. Well, I’m not ready to do that either. I still like all my stuff and while I don’t need to add much of anything new, I’m not ready to eliminate it either.

          It’s also probably not the way to look at the next ten or twenty years I’ve left on this earth. I “should” be thankful for each and every day and search out new experiences and revel in the ordinary. Still, I’m finding it a bit hard at the moment. I also know these thoughts and feelings won’t last unless allowed.

          So, it’s past time to put away the “woe is me” thoughts and get busy with something that will put a smile on my face and a bounce in my step…don’t quite know what that will be yet, but I’m on the lookout.

KUMA, MY WONDER DOG, IS THREE TODAY!!!

 

          

Today is Kuma’s third birthday. I can’t believe he’s been my most treasured companion for three whole years…excepting the first three months when he was with his mom. I still cannot fathom how lucky I was to spot his precious face on Facebook at a time when I was feeling so lonely and depressed. Kuma changed my life in so many ways and has brought me so much joy.

          I love how he is so enthusiastic about coming with me in the car. Every morning when I’m getting ready, he shows up in the bathroom just at the moment I’m donning my pants (how does he know???). He looks at me as though he’s trying desperately to hypnotize me into allowing him to go with me wherever I’m going. Unfortunately, when it’s sunny, he has to stay home because the car gets too hot if I cannot find shade in which to park.

When Kuma does get to go, he loves sticking his head out the window. I’m fine with that except when he puts his paws on the door in order to stick his head out even further. Even though I don’t roll the window down far enough for him to actually fall out, it still gives me pause…kind of like when the kids did stuff that was safe but with the potential for injury.

         Kuma follows me from room to room, often stepping on the back of my flip-flop. He wants to be exactly wherever I am, and I don’t mind one little bit. If I’m on the couch reading or watching television, he’s right there beside me. My favorite thing though is how he manages to lay right up against me in bed. He may not be there when I fall asleep, but as I begin to drift up from the depths, my first thought is that it is John cuddling me. I love that, even though there’s just a teensy bit of sorrow in my heart when I wake enough to realize it’s my puppy Kuma.

          Today, I prepared his lunch and allowed him to sit at the table. It didn’t take long for that soft dogfood (filet mignon flavor) to disappear into his tummy. Then, I gave Kuma his gift. I’d wrapped up a rather large stuffy with two rubber squeaky toys. It didn’t take long for him to get inside the wrapper (I videoed and posted the videos and photos to Facebook.) and pull out the plush. That largish toy stayed together for only three (3) minutes and was totally disemboweled in six (6).

I just now took his “Pawp Corn” squeaky toy away because he'd chewed off a corner to get the squeaker. He‘s moved on to the “I’m just here for the fries.” squeaky toy and I assume I’ll be tossing that one in the very near future. I’m seriously hoping he doesn’t ingest enough of his presents to require a trip to the vet.

          Yep, in less than the time it took me to type the paragraph above, the fries toy had to be sent to the garbage. But, since it’s Kuma’s birthday, I gave him a “Pork Earz” because he can chew that up and swallow without it doing him any harm. Kuma also usually gets a frozen bone when I have my tot of gin in the late afternoon and I’m wondering if I should do that today or not.

          Never in my entire life, at least until three years ago, did I ever think I could love an animal as much as I love Kuma. True, we always had dogs, but they were more John’s dogs than mine, so I never felt totally invested. With Kuma, I’m his ONLY person and he’s my ONLY doggie, so I cannot express exactly just how much joy and love he provides.

          There are only a couple of things I’d like to change or improve. I keep working to get Kuma to not jump up on people when they come to visit. He gets so excited, makes love barks and growls and just has to jump up. I’d also like to be able to take him for a walk on a leash and not have him lose his shit when he sees another dog. I simply cannot control him when he gets like that, so we don’t walk. As for having him bark at other dogs when in the car or in the front window, I think (hope) we almost have that under control. Kuma still makes noise, but it’s not the, “I’m going to rip out your throat.” barking he was doing. Time and patience…that’s all it takes, right?

          I’ve been told that once this dog breed reaches the age of three, they tend to mellow out and be less jumpy and barky. Touch back in a year when Kuma turns four and I’ll let you know.

          Anyway, this is Kuma’s day, so I need to go throw the ball, give him pets, sing the birthday song a few more times, and do my best to let him know that while I’m his person, he’s my most favorite doggie…ever!!!!

YAY MOI!!!

          

Well, since this has been a fairly shitty week, I thought I’d just have to give myself a huge pat on the back because I both NEED and DESERVE it.

          For some reason my I-pad decided to stop receiving emails the end of last November which wasn’t really a big deal. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I’m now being included in the monthly NWDA board meeting, all held via zoom. My desktop’s sound stopped working quite some time ago and I’ve never been able to find a fix. So, if I’m going to zoom, I need to have sound unless I can read lips…I cannot.

          When deciding on a remedy, I think I can also do zoom via my phone, but decided since I couldn’t come up with a solution to make email work on my I-pad, I’d make a visit to the Apple store. Almost immediately, a young man offered to assist me, but while he was working with me, he was also being asked to help elsewhere. We finally reached a point where I felt confident in my ability to complete the effort and sent him on his way. I’m sure he could have completed this exercise in half the time (or less) it took me to finally get the email pouring onto the I-pad. Yay for moi.

          Later that same day, I went to look at my email on my desktop, only to be told there was a send/error. Once again, I tried everything I could think of, but could only access my Outlook email if I signed into Xfinity or used my phone or I-pad. Since I type really fast on my keyboard, I NEED to be able to conduct email business at my desk.

          I was so frustrated. I attempted to find the solution Tuesday evening, all day Wednesday and most of the day today. Email on my phone would tell me I needed to “sign-in,” but for some dumb (sure it was smart when I decided to do it) reason, I have a process that requires two authentications and I’d lose the sign-in page while obtaining the authentication. I finally figured out how to do that without losing the sign-in page, but the email still didn’t work.

          Finally, this afternoon, I went online and asked my computer how I could access the SMTP…whatever that is. I followed the instructions provided and, voila, after restarting my computer, my email is up and working.

          So, YAY FOR MOI. You have no idea how badly I needed this positive experience today. 

NOTICE – CRIMINAL TRESPASS WARNING

 

          Last November I blogged about three of my neighbors. This blog will be devoted to just one of those neighbors, the one that called the police while my granddaughter was behind my fence raking weeds back from the fence. This neighbor’s “war” with me has now escalated.

          As I’ve been diligently weeding the back flowerbed that is adjacent the back fence, I’ve been having to pull morning glories and blackberries that are coming through the fence. If I’m not vigilant, the morning glories wind themselves around my plants, and it’s a bitch to get them off. They are also growing up through my flowerbed now. Since they grow so fast, I’m sure that just a few months of being ignored, would allow them to completely claim that back flowerbed and strangle all the good plants there.

          So, thinking that if I texted a very polite request to have my granddaughter come and pull the weeds back from the fence, I would get a positive response, I did so. The neighbor’s response was, “NO”. So, I texted again, saying I didn’t understand why this couldn’t be allowed and asked why this person couldn’t be a good neighbor. No response for a couple of days.

          Then, yesterday, there was a knock on my front door. There stood another Lake Forest Park policeman…perhaps the very one who warned me last fall. According to what he had to say, I had once again trespassed on this neighbor’s property. I told him I had not and offered to show him my back gate and the texts I’d sent. He responded she had shown him the texts. He went on to say he was there to provide me with an, “NOTICE – CRIMINAL TRESPASS WARNING.”

          I was SHOCKED!!! Seriously SHOCKED!!!

          The officer went on to review the contents of the warning document, asked for proof of who I was (I recited my driver’s license number which I know by heart.) and had me sign the warning. It is good for three years and he gave me a copy.

          When I read the document later, it says, “Entering or remaining on said premises after this warning has been duly issued, shall be considered a knowing violation of…and as such, you shall be subject to legal action including ARREST and/or the filing of criminal charges.”

          I am shocked and angered by this neighbor’s actions, and all over the weeds that grow unchecked behind the fence. It also leaves me in a quandary about replacing the fence which will soon be needed. Is it possible to replace the fence without going on her property…I guess the contractor will have to answer that question. And, if it’s even possible, I guess I’ll assume the entire replacement cost.

          Seriously, what has happened to the sense of community, the willingness to be helpful, one neighbor to another, the possibility of discussion about something that negatively affects one neighbor and not another??? I don’t have an answer and guess I’ll just have to view this as another indication of the poisonous venom that’s permeating our society…additional proof of the “trickle down” theory.

          In writing this, I’ve gone from being hugely angry to being simply very sad. Perhaps it’s a good thing I’m as old as I am because it means I won’t have to endure many more of these “trickle down” societal elements. Seems like life and people used to be so much kinder, or am I just wearing rose-colored glasses?

SHOWER TIME FOR KUMA

 

Today I gave Kuma a shower and now I know why they charge so much for his grooming appointment. It was not a pleasant experience, although he smells much better now than he did before we showered.

And, when I say “we” showered, I mean, we showered. It took two tries to get him into the shower. He didn’t want to go and there was a whole bunch of water on the floor and me by the time I got him in the shower. It was a good thing I’d stripped down to my panties before we began this exercise because my nightie, or any other clothing, would have been as damp as my underwear.

Kuma seemed rather resigned to his shower once he was in there. He didn’t try to climb back out and allowed me to spray him with very warm water. He also allowed me to add puppy shampoo (it doesn’t sting the eyes) after I turned the water off and scrub him all over his entire body. Kuma also stood completely still as I turned the water back on and began to rinse all the shampoo off his body. You have no idea how grateful I was for his cooperation.

Once the soap was completely rinsed off, I shut the shower door and waited for him to shake. He’d already shaken once, even before I got the shampoo on him, but he refused to shake even though I waited several minutes. I opened the shower door and allowed him to climb out, quickly putting a big towel over him. Then, he shook, and shook again, and shook again, and shook again, even when the towel fell off. I’m sure if I look closely, I’ll find water droplets that have dried on the walls, tub and toilet. I’m not looking closely today, maybe tomorrow.

I used my hair dryer to attempt to dry his fur somewhat. He didn’t like that either and kept moving around the bathroom, which was actually fine because I could dry both sides and his back. He wasn’t completely dry when I finally gave in to his very loud barks and movements of irritation and turned the hair dryer off.

Then, I put another towel on the couch, so he could be in that place and allow his fur to dry. Of course, he didn’t want to be there, he wanted to be alongside me on the other couch. It took some loud commands to get Kuma to stay on the other couch even though he wasn’t exactly on the towel I placed there. 

Now, several hours later, he’s all dry and fluffy and smells much better than he did when we went to bed last night. However, after this experience, I understand why Hippie Hounds charges so much to groom him. It must take at least four people and who knows how much effort to get him bathed, dried, brushed and his toenails clipped. I didn’t clip his toenails or brush him and barely got him bathed and dried. I don’t know about Kuma, but his mommy is totally exhausted.

THE BILLS ARE PAID...FOR NOW

 

Well, I just finished paying the bills for April, including the property tax bill. There’s a part of me that feels good because the funds were there, and while they are now more or less nonexistent, at least the bills are all paid in full. But there’s another part of me that would like to see a high remaining balance, or at least way more than what’s in there now. 

Somehow, I always thought I would reach a point in my life where I wouldn’t need to worry or be concerned about having enough money to do whatever I want to do. Soon to begin my eighth decade, I’m pretty sure I’ll never reach a point where I can simply purchase whatever I want without having to consider just how I’ll pay for whatever that acquisition might be.

Once my grandmother moved to California when I was twelve years old, my mother began confiding in me rather than my dad her concerns about the family’s financial status. So, I began worrying at an early age about how the bills would get paid, how to rob Peter to pay Paul and vice-versa. I assumed somehow that once I was all grown up and responsible for just myself (or my family), those worries would no longer be present because I’d be in control.

Well, you know what they say about early programming…it sticks. So, throughout my entire life, regardless of the debits and credits in my financial life, I’ve continued to fret about having enough money to pay the bills, and never mind  having enough left over to do with as I choose. Even right now, with the bills paid and a small balance, I’ll move on to worry about future months and whatever expenses I incur. 

Provided nothing absolutely insane is activated by that asshole in DC, I’m pretty sure I have more than enough money to get me through the remainder of my life. There might even be a few dollars left for the kids and grandkids to share amongst themselves. So, why am I devoting even a moment (let alone this blog post) to thinking about having enough money? 

I would guess it was that early programming; and even were I to win a huge lottery (fat chance since I don’t purchase tickets), I’d still undoubtedly spend time and energy worrying about my potential for lack of funds. But for now, I can put aside that concern…at least for April.

POOR PITIFUL MOI

Please pardon me while I have a huge pity party. I have a wide variety of reasons as to why I’m feeling so down and depressed. My usual way of getting out of this pitiful valley of sorriness is to CHOOSE to not feel this way; however, there are times when the CHOOSE button seems to be frozen and doesn’t allow me to make a choice that would make me feel better. 

Only those of you who live alone will probably understand where I am right now. The house gets lonely, and while I have family and friends, it’s not like they are involved in my life on a daily basis. I deeply envy the friends I know who do have family and friends who do inhabit their lives daily. 

I’m convinced there has always been and will always be something seriously wrong with me. If that weren’t the case, then why am I feeling like this? Why isn’t my life full of family and friends who make more of an effort to be a bigger part of my life. And, okay, you’re thinking I could reach out to those folks, but I don’t feel as though I can. They have lives with their own families, jobs and interests. I’m simply not high on their important list and I don’t feel comfortable in trying to get myself placed higher on that list.

While in this valley of sorriness, I’ve been asking myself these questions:

1. When was the last time a family member invited me to have lunch or dinner, or participate in some activity? There hasn’t been an invitation that isn’t holiday- or birthday-oriented in years. True, when I ask for assistance (which I try not to do), family members respond affirmatively.

2. When was the last time a friend invited me to their home for lunch or dinner or to join them in some activity? And, okay, I do have two friends who are single like me. They do issue invitations which I accept and I issue invitations in return. I also have another friend who makes a weekly visit and does invite me to go out to lunch or dinner, but the other six days she is busy with her family and life. 

         Hopefully, residing in this valley of sorriness won’t last too long. It usually doesn’t, but let me tell you that being here sucks big time. There are so many days and hours wherein I see or speak to no one but Kuma. I guess over time this loneliness builds up until I sink down into the valley. 

        Now, having thought about and written this, I’m hoping that I can climb back out into the world, look around, count my blessings (because I do have blessings) and be grateful for them. 

DECISIONS ARE AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN UP TO ME

 

        Finally, after umpteen trips to the tire store to have my tires checked and reinflated, the young man who helped me this morning told me the right front tire has a nail in it. This tire was the reason my tire warning light kept coming on about every two weeks. The other three tires rarely needed to have air added, but the right front would be down by about ten pounds every time I made the trip.

This ongoing problem and the eventual solution (I have an appointment for Friday to have the nail removed.) took far too long. It made me wish I had a partner in my life who would attend to things like this. On the other hand, John never took care of my vehicle. He believed, and rightly so, that it was my responsibility to make sure my car was in good working order. That didn’t mean he wouldn’t check something if I asked, but if there was a problem, the solution to it was in my court.

This also brought to the forefront my need to get bids to have my fence either repaired or replaced. Things like this were always taken care of by John…after all, he was a handyman. Now, it’s up to me to get the bids and figure out how to proceed. I’ve been putting off calling the men who would come and give me bids for two reasons, i.e., I don’t want the responsibility and I don’t want to spend the money.

John never assumed any responsibility he believed was mine, and I was always so independent I never “leaned” on him for the solution to whatever problem I was experiencing. True, he would play devil’s advocate, but the eventual decision was up to me. I did and didn’t like that aspect of our partnership.

I was raised to be independent during a time when men were expected to take care of their women. Now, that’s not how it was in my family, but all the media devoted to young women growing up portrayed that ideal. Grown and married, I actually expected my husband to take care of me. When our first child arrived, that meant my working days were over and we were both now his responsibility. That rose-colored dream didn’t last very long at all and I was soon back to work and more or less supporting myself and my child. 

Of course, there’s a part of me that is extremely proud of how I’ve managed my life…how can I not be. On the other hand, there’s a part of me that has always loved the idea I could curl up in my husband’s lap and relinquish any responsibility for any part of my life…a silly impossible idea/dream.

So, I just need to face the facts I’ve faced time and time again during my entire life. If something needs to be addressed or accomplished, there is absolutely no point, no matter how desirable, in waiting around for someone else to provide a solution. Like it or not it has been and will continue to be my responsibility…as if I actually ever had another choice. 

MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE EVEN WHEN IT'S HARD

       Last November I turned seventy-nine. That means that this year I will be eighty. That fact and number seem to want to be at the forefront of my thoughts even though I don’t feel (most of the time) as though I’m going to be that fucking old. It’s those “most of the times” when I do feel so very old that are providing me with horrible thoughts about being so fucking old and so fucking near to death…as opposed to all the years before when death was in the far distant future.

Me, myself and I have conversations with each other about how we’re feeling, and yesterday and especially today, we’re not feeling the best. For some reason (I’m old???) during the night and waking up this morning, all my joints ached, not just ached, but hurt…a lot. Why, I have no idea, and even now, as I type this, my left wrist is not the least bit happy. 

What we are having a hard time understanding is how we can all go along and feel absolutely terrific and accomplish so many things on our “to-do” list without feeling the least bit tired or having a single ache or pain. Then, it’s like our good, healthy and active body hides in the closet and the body with all the aches, pains and unhappy thoughts jumps out from wherever it’s been hiding and takes control. 

We have no understanding of why this happens. How can we go to bed, have a great sleep and wake up feeling as though a giant has slept with us, hammering on each and every square inch of our body while we were unconscious is a mystery? What about those other days when we get up, raring to go and accomplish every single thing on our list to end the day feeling great and accomplished. 

Those of you who have followed me on my blog, or know me personally, know I am a great proponent of “I choose.” That is, I believe it’s up to me to “choose” how I’m feeling. If I want to feel great, then I have to “choose” to feel that way. If I want to accomplish a task or tasks, then it’s up to me to “choose” to get them done. This process seems to work for me most of the time, but on days like today when I feel tired and my body is so painful, it’s really hard to “choose” to do anything besides go back to bed. 

Seriously, it’s the fault of me and myself for not making the right choice…of that I’m totally convinced. So, once I finish this blog post, I am going to ignore me and myself and “choose” to kick my ass into gear and accomplish something, anything, that doesn’t include returning to bed for the day. Once dressed, Kuma is in serious need of a bally-ball session and I stated in my driftwood class that I was going to have my Captured Serpentine finished by next Tuesday. Plus, there’s that dish I want to make for dinner. So, aches, pains, doubtful thoughts can just go away because I’m CHOOSING to ignore them and get busy. 

I JUST DON'T GET IT.

 

      I’m sorry and perhaps I’m either too old or too stupid to understand what the hell is going on in the world. I try not to read or listen to the news, but it seems that the world is going to hell in a handbasket…a handbasket held by the man who is our president and who is supposed to look out for all Americans. That’s apparently not the truth.

Just now, I looked at my 401K and realized that I’d lost over two thousand dollars because of the tariffs our “supreme leader” has decided to charge our closest allies, Canada and Mexico. What’s with that? How can he promise to give the American people a great life and institute such tariffs which will only result in my (our) having to pay more at the grocery store, gas station or any other place where I (we) might spend money.

I realize I don’t have a Ph.D. and am not one of the best financial minds in the world, but just how does this idiot think what he’s doing is going to benefit the majority of Americans. The only result I can come to is that he doesn’t give a shit about the average American. He doesn’t care if people go hungry, lose their homes, or find it difficult to manage to live a reasonable life in this country. What is the matter with that man???

And, okay, I can see that the entire government might be just a bit humungous, but I’m not the government. I’m simply a senior citizen who has paid her dues over more than fifty years of her life. Now, as a retired person, I should be able to go to the grocery store or the gas station or even a travel agency and make purchases or plans that will enrich my life. That was what I was promised all those decades ago when I signed up to pay into social security. Still, no matter how overgrown the government may be, it should not affect my social security or the money that enters my account each month.

Whatever is going on in the world, I should still be able to buy what I need in order to survive a normal day, be it oats, power, gas or whatever. Again, what’s wrong with this stupid man that he thinks whatever he believes should be done, whatever he goes ahead and makes happen should have a negative impact on my life…or the lives of my children and grandchildren. 

I’m not a Rhodes Scholar, nor do I have a Ph.D. or even a degree from a four-year university, but I do believe I’m smart enough to understand what this idiot president (not the lower-case p) is in the process of doing. As I see it, he wants to be the dictator (again, lower case) of the entire world. Either that, or he wants to suck the teat of putin (again, lower case) while putting more money in his or other folks (folks who don’t give a rat’s ass about you and me) pockets. 

How did we get here? I simply don’t understand how this man (although a poor excuse he is for one) could hold such an important office and be able/capable of totally fucking over so many of us. I’m sorry, but I just don’t understand, no matter how I look at the entire picture. I also don’t know if there’s an answer that isn’t provided by not one, but two bullets…one each for the p and vp. 

It’s sad, very sad, and I have to admit, I’m sorry I’ve lived long enough to see what was once a great country come to such an ignominious end.

TIME TO GET GARDENING!!!

 

      I want the sun to return. And, okay, I know it comes back every single day beginning with the sunrise. What I’m talking about is having the sun in the sky without any clouds to obscure its shine and heat. I absolutely loved those days last week when it was warm enough to go without a coat and it felt and smelled like spring.

Part of the reason I want the sun to return is that I’m itching to get outside and do more in the garden. I did a lot last week, i.e., raked up all the leaves, had Haley empty all my flowerpots into the garden and raked the dirt in, lined up the pots in the driveway so the rain (again, okay, I needed the rain we’ve had) could wash them fairly clean before I spray them with vinegar to kill off any potentially unwanted pests, and pretty much completely took care of one end of the yard. I was tired and sore, but it felt GREAT!!!

Another reason I want the warmth and sun is so I can continue my gardening. Every year I say I’m not going to grow tomatoes or anything else in the next year. Then, when spring is on the way, I get busy thinking about and planning what I’m going to grow for the upcoming season. I’ve tried using my age as an excuse to not do any of this, but somehow, I believe that as long as I’m able to do this, I should do it. 

I am afraid, however, that I’m letting the fact I’ll be eighty by the end of the year sort of blind me to my actual capabilities. At night in bed, it’s so easy to believe the pain I’m experiencing in various parts of my anatomy will keep me from accomplishing what I need/want to accomplish the following day. It also seems so easy to concentrate on the fact I’m OLD, rather than on the fact I’m still quite capable of achieving set goals. They say you’re only as old as you feel and I have to keep reminding myself of that.

Most of the time I don’t think about being as old as I am; and during the day when the majority of my aches and pains are far less noticeable, I do feel as though I’m quite capable of completing any task I set myself. All I need is to make a plan and follow it through to completion, and I do have a plan.

Tomorrow, Costco will begin selling bags of dirt for a lesser price. I’ve held off my C-shopping so I can go and get everything, including six to eight bags of dirt. True, the bags are heavy, but I’ve managed before, plus, I think it was last year, some nice man saw me moving those bags and offered his assistance…and, yes, I took it. I even had one of the C-men push my cart to my car and load the bags for me. So, if worse comes to worse, I can stand there and look OLD and FEEBLE until help is offered.

Facebook recently had a post by a Garden Lovers’ Club which was free to join…so I joined. Already I’ve found a couple of their articles extremely helpful and cannot wait to give a couple of them a try, especially the container planting. I’ve never been very successful with container planning of flowers, but watching that gardener illustrate and explain what he was doing…well, I think I can do that. 

Anyway, age aside, I’m excited for spring, for planting and growing, and watching my hard efforts come to eventual fruition. If all goes as I’m planning, I’ll be posting some photos and bragging about my success. All I need now is for the sun to return to a bright blue sky and bring some heat.

 

      My little whirlwind of entertaining was completed last night. Amazingly, I’m not exhausted and I believe both events went very well, even though I seemed to be horribly disorganized for the first one.

In any case, the baked potato soup, taco salad and German chocolate cake were a hit with all attendees on Saturday. There was one serving left of the soup for Thor to take home, no taco salad, and I sent home pieces of cake with two guests, most of the remainder home with Thor and saved a couple of pieces for both myself and a friend who likes German chocolate cake. I think everyone had a good time…and I know I definitely did. I’m also sure my home rejoiced in having so many voices and so much laughter in house.

Last night’s dinner with AJ’s best friend from high school and AJ and his family also was a great success. I made spicy chicken and was worried for a bit because my BBQ ran out of juice. But I simply brought the chicken kebabs back inside and cooked them in my Ninja grill…they turned out just fine. Again, having folks around the table and being highly amused by AJ and Andy reminiscing about their school days and beyond was wonderful. I learned things I didn’t know that Andy and AJ had done back in the day…and am grateful I didn’t know them back then or I’d be totally white-headed. 

Now my calendar will revert to the usual, i.e., exercise classes, visitation with a good friend most Wednesdays and Fridays with an occasional lunch or dinner thrown in. That’s perfectly okay and who knows but the success of these two events and having a squeaky-clean house just may end up being a new normal for me. Time will tell, although spring is on its way and the garden will be calling my name on a fairly regular basis. Still, the memories from these two events will provide encouragement for future ones…maybe on the deck or in the garden. 

A BIRTHDAY CELEBRATION AFTER ALL...YAY!!!

  Earlier this week I blogged about birthdays and how I was going to miss making baked potato soup and German chocolate cake for the youngest son’s birthday which happening in the near future. Well, that’s not the case now, only a few days later.

I thought Thor’s birthday was on Friday, but in looking at the calendar, I realized it was Saturday, so I called and asked him if he wanted his special soup and cake for his birthday. He needed to check with his wife. He then let me know that he and the kids would come, but that Amber needed to stay home with their dog as well as be available if something came up at her store.

So, I’m sitting here typing this with almost everything ready to go. The table is set, the taco salad (for those who don’t care for baked potato soup) just needs to have the crushed chips put on top, the soup is ready to go in the pan, and the house is clean and tidy. 

It’s been quite some time since I did an event like this; and apparently, I’m in great need of practice. I looked at my recipes and made up my grocery list. Instead of exercise class yesterday, I went to QFC to obtain everything I needed to make the cake and for dinner today. Wouldn’t you know, the one item I absolutely had to have…German chocolate…wasn’t available at QFC. So, even with ice cream in the bags, I stopped by Albertson’s on the way home. That store didn’t have that chocolate either. So, I bought semi-sweet…the internet said I could use that instead although the cake wouldn’t be as sweet.

Back home, I began to get ready to make the cake only to realize I used up almost all my flour and sugar doing my Christmas baking. So, why not go to Spendway because maybe they’d have German chocolate. And, low and behold, Spendway did have it, so I bought it as well as the sugar and flour. Yay, finally obtained everything I needed…NOT.

When I went to make the cake frosting, I realized I didn’t have an evaporated milk, but my friend was stopping by later so I called and asked her if she had a can…and she did. Then, I realized I barely had enough butter to make the frosting, plus I forgot to buy the chips for taco salad.

So, this morning, after breakfast with another friend, we walked across the parking lot to QFC and I purchased the chips and butter. Finally, all done…NOT!!! 

There I am in the kitchen with the taco salad almost finished when I realize I don’t have any thousand island dressing for it. Also, while I had pepper bacon in the freezer, I didn’t have any regular bacon for the soup. So, once again, I went off to the grocery store. And, since now I have everything ready to go, I do believe I am actually finished with my shopping…and about fucking time!!!

Shopping aside, I’m absolutely thrilled that my entire family will be here for dinner; and I do so wish Amber was coming too, but I’ll send home soup and cake for her. To have my usually silent home filled with voices and laughter for a few hours this evening will make my heart swell many many times. So very delighted and grateful this is happening.

TODAY I'M GOING TO ENJOY SPRING

 

      Today, Thursday, February 20th, I’m going to get a huge spring preview…I’m going to the Flower and Garden show. My best friend and I go every couple years to see what’s new and could be incorporated into our gardens once we begin to work in them. I am so looking forward to this little trek today.

First, and most important are the smells…most of the convention center, especially where the display gardens have been installed smells like spring, like blossoming flowers and good growing stuff. I plan to breath deep and breath often as I make my way through the various gardens.

Of course, the majority, if not all, of these gardens are ones I could not replicate no matter how hard I might try. It would require big machinery and lots and lots of money. Still, there might be some small installation or part of an installation I could copy and incorporate into my own garden.

It wasn’t the Flower and Garden show that prompted me to install a water feature in my garden. That came from my one and only tour of the million-dollar homes they used to have once a year. During that visit, almost every single display home had some form of water feature. I decided it couldn’t be that hard to put such a feature into my own garden…so I did and it’s still there adding water music to those lovely summer days. True, it works on winter days as well, but I’m not out there listening.

So, I don’t know what I’ll find during my journey today. I have no plans to spend any money in the section where various companies/people offer garden items for sale. Even so, it’s always nice to look and see what’s new. I’m just going to keep reminding myself of the several purchases I made over the years that I either didn’t use or didn’t work for me…money well wasted.

Today will be a great reminder of what’s to come in the not-too-distant future, a little experience that always helps me get through the remaining gray and cold days. It will also be a reminder for me to begin planning, to think ahead and utilize sunny and warmer days to get my own garden ready to grow and bloom. 

WHAT WAS I THINKING???

 

        What was I thinking??? I have absolutely no idea, just that at the time, it seemed like a GREAT idea. And I’m sure that it will all work out just fine, but it’s been a very long time since I’ve held two more-or-less back-to-back events.

Earlier this month, I had a text from a young man who was like a third son all during high school and beyond for quite a few years. I’ve always missed having him in my life on a more frequent basis. As a result of that text, I invited him to dinner on Tuesday, February 25th. Dinner could have been just me and him, but he was friends with AJ for years and lived with AJ and Angie and Haley when she was small. So, why not expand the invitation list. Now, we will all get to see and talk to Andy at and during the dinner I’m preparing for everyone. 

Initially, I thought son number two’s birthday was on Friday. When I realized it was actually Saturday, I called and offered to make him his favorite meal, i.e., baked potato soup (actually a heart attack in a bowl). He acquiesced although his wife will stay home with the dog that cannot be left alone. So, I’ll prepare soup and a taco salad for those who don’t like that soup…actually folks can eat both if they so choose. I’ll also make a German chocolate cake (both Thor’s and my favorite) and buy some ice cream and candles. Once Thor agreed, I then invited AJ and his family so we can all be together.

To be perfectly honest, I’m looking forward to both of these events. It’s been a very long time since I had family here for dinner (Thanksgiving actually and then Thor’s family didn’t attend). I know what I’m preparing for both dinners…you know too for the one dinner via the previous paragraph. For the second dinner, I’m going to make spicy chicken kebobs, rice, pita bread and salad followed by key lime pie. 

So, all that’s left to do is to finish cleaning house and grocery shop. Then, lots of time in the kitchen on Saturday and Tuesday. I’m sure my cooking will turn out just fine; and, to be perfectly honest, I’m really looking forward to having people, voices, laughter and the odor of yummy food in my home once again…well okay, twice.  

I'D RATHER STAY IN BED

 

      This morning is the last morning until Sunday that I can let Kuma out, have a latte and then return to bed for another hour plus of sleep. The remainder of the week I have commitments that require me to stay up and stay awake.

I love mornings like this one where I get to luxuriate for the additional time in my nice warm bed with Kuma snug against the bend in my legs. True, he sometimes hears something and jumps down to go bark out the living room window, but it doesn’t keep me from dozing off. 

Unfortunately, there is a problem with my laziness…and that is I’m not accomplishing much of anything during that time or even later in the day. I have no idea what’s happened to my git-up-and-go, but it seems to be gone. I know I’m much older now than I was in the past (which is why it’s the past dummy), but how much of my inertia is due to my body being older and slowing down or simply to my brain focusing far too much on how old I am today…and every day, a day older.

Lists…I make lists of stuff I need to do. I faithfully cross off the ones I accomplish; however, there are fewer cross offs than in the past. Is that because I simply cannot complete everything on the list or because I choose not to continue to completion? I honestly don’t know.

What do I know? Well, I know I’d rather cuddle up on the couch with a good book than vacuum or dust. I know I’d rather spend time at the computer doing much of nothing in lieu of tidying the house. I know I’d rather make lists of chores and then totally ignore them. I know I’d rather stay home than go to my exercise class, or even on some days to stay home instead of meeting a friend(s) for lunch or some activity. 

I also know that spring is on the way and there is a myriad of chores that await outside. I encourage myself by envisioning just how beautiful everything is going to be once it grows and blooms. I tell myself I don’t have to work in the garden every single day for hours; that an hour or two a day will suffice. Still, based on what I don’t accomplish inside the house, I find myself wondering if I’ll be able to manage even that hour or two…there’s always a good book calling my name and Kuma likes to cuddle.

Anyway, even though I already went back to bed once this morning, the idea of snuggling back down under the covers is very enticing. But I need to be firm with myself. I need to make one of those lists and begin to work on getting some of those chores done. I may still feel tired once I’ve crossed out some of them, but I’m sure I’ll also be feeling a huge sense of accomplishment…and that great book I’m reading, well, it isn’t going anywhere for another nineteen days. 

BIRTHDAY CELEBRATIONS

 

      Growing up, birthdays and birthday celebrations were extremely important family occasions. It wasn’t that anyone received expensive gifts, but that the family recognized “your” special day. I continued that into my married life with my family; however, it now seems to have reached a point where there is little to no celebration of any one family member’s birthday.

My daddy became a baker, so while the presents may not have been terribly expensive, the cake was always superb and the desired flavor. Daddy eventually learned how to decorate, so I believe our cakes were decorated by him at some point. I always looked forward to my “special” day and cannot remember ever being horribly disappointed by the gifts, cake, ice cream or celebration.

Once I began celebrating birthdays in my own home, I always asked the celebrant what kind of cake was wanted. Then, I tried to bring this desire to fruition. It wasn’t always easy, i.e., there was the time one son asked for a cake that had like eight layers. It took an entire day just to bake the damn cake. The other son was easy and always wanted German chocolate. John wasn’t much of a cake person and preferred pies, i.e., lemon meringue, cocoanut, butterscotch…any of those would do.

Right up until the year of John’s death followed six months later by Covid, I still prepared a dinner and a cake for family members. Of course, with Covid, there was no gatherings to celebrate any event whatsoever. And, since Covid restrictions have been more or less eliminated, it seems that folks are happy with the celebrations implemented during that period. 

Still, with the youngest son’s forty-fifth birthday in the near future, I’m going to miss making baked potato soup and German chocolate cake. But, even more than the food, I’m going to miss having all the family around the table to celebrate.

DID I OR DIDN'T I???

         

       Yesterday I had lunch with a couple of friends and we were talking as friends do. They very kindly asked me to send them the link to this blog. I just did so. In sharing past tales of my (our) life, one of them also asked me if I'd blogged about the tale I'd just told. I wasn't actually sure, which meant I'd need to go back into my blog, which is now five years old and try to figure out if that had been a subject. I'll need to set aside some time in order to do that. 

        You must know how it is...the older I get, the less I seem to retain. It's entirely possible I blogged about the couple of tales I shared, but it's also possible those tales slipped my mind. I'll need to write the ideas down and then go back and see if the tale has already been told. If it hasn't, you, dear reader, can look forward to some new...and amusing?...tales in the near future.

MATH IS HARD

         

       

       It wasn't until Friday morning when our eldest son texted, "Then I came along 4 years later." in response to a text I sent him, "Your dad and I met 58 years ago last night." that I realized my math was wrong, wrong, wrong. 

     There I was criticizing my son for his poor math skills, i.e., his dad and I had met in 1965 and married in 1966, so it was four years after the marriage that he came along. At this point, it occurred to me that it was now 2025 and if I subtracted 1965 from 2025, I'd get sixty, not fifty-eight. Had to change the blog post I made earlier in the week to reflect the correct number.

    Yep, my son is truly mine, especially when it comes to math...we both suck.

SIXTY YEARS AGO...ALMOST

      At the very end of January, I went to see Nephew Michael. He is John’s sister’s son and I hadn’t been to his house in decades (shame on me!!!). We had a wonderful visit and he toured me around his home. I was amazed at all the changes, additions and extremely hard work Michael had done. He told me that it was his Uncle John who had taught him how to perform most of the work involved in the renovations and changes. 

Michael also told me that he didn’t have one photo of his Uncle John and asked if I could send him some. Apparently, I’m not the only person Michael has told about his Uncle John being responsible for his learning how to renovate/Improve. He said whenever he talked about his Uncle John and his teachings, he would sometimes be asked for a photo. So, I went through the photos I have on this computer. Of course, they only go back so many years because while I went through all the hard copies and organized them by date, I never scanned them into the computer…and I won’t either.

So, I spent a few hours traversing memory lane for as far back as the photos went. Our photos brought back so many great memories of the wonderful times John and I had together as well as memories that are recorded on the hard copies. It also made me remember family and friend times we shared. I didn’t end up crying, but I did feel my heart grow a few sizes. I also felt my mouth smile a lot and my ears were treated to the sound of my laughter when certain memories were evoked. 

This was certainly a timely request from Michael and effort on my part. You see, come the day before Valentine’s Day, it will be sixty years since John and I met. I’ve never forgotten that first meeting at the home of mutual friends, how my eyes began at John’s shoes and travelled upward to meet his golden-brown eyes. I also remember the way my heart/mind jolted as our eyes connected. Love at first sight? Lust at first sight? It was probably a combination of the two.

Exactly one and a half years later, almost to the hour, we married and began a life together that spanned one day short of fifty-three years. Together we created a home, produced children, loved and fought our way through all those years. And, those years contain way more love and happiness than anger and sadness. Most of the anger and sadness were lodged in our final years together. John’s health was failing and I so wanted him to do and get better. That goal was unobtainable and made us both wrathful and miserable with each other. 

Of course, I’m sorry now for not being more patient and understanding during that time, but as anyone whose been there, done that will most likely agree, it’s hard, so very hard to watch someone you’ve spent your life with, someone you’ve loved for all those years slowly diminish. It was scary to think John wouldn’t keep on in my life. It was scary to think I’d end up alone like all the women in my family before me. Being scared made me angry.

My anger didn’t dissipate with John’s death. It hung around for a while longer as I angrily became adjusted to being alone. And, being alone after all those years is hard, so very hard. Some days once the anger was replaced by grief, I didn’t think I’d be able to get to the next day. And this feeling isn’t one I felt anyone else who hadn’t been there and done that would actually understand, so not a lot of folks with whom I could share how hard and lonely life was (and still is) at times.

But, as John had left my life, the anger finally left as well. It was followed by deep feelings of grief that eventually became a bit numb, although there are times those emotions can return and feel almost as raw as they were early on. I learned to live life on my own, comforted by the great memories and lifetime we shared. Michael’s request for photos became this year’s early Valentine’s Day present. While I won’t be getting big hugs, a terrific early Valentine’s Day gift, or great sex, my trip down that photographic memory lane reminded me how fortunate we were to have been so in love/lust for so long, to have shared so many years together. 

I still miss John. I probably always will, but remembering and cherishing what we shared during our life together does bring me comfort. I’m also thankful for our nephew giving me a reason to take a good long look back. For the reminder of how grateful I am even now for the warmth and joy all those trips down our very long memory lane engendered so close to the very date we entered one another’s lives. 

      And, since John isn’t here to provide that See’s one-pound box of dark chocolates in remembrance of our pre-Valentine’s Day anniversary, I’ll make the trip myself and eat them all myself in celebration of the years full of love and memories we shared beginning February 13th, 1965.