TODAY IS A DAY...

          

 …where I feel even older than my eighty years. I got out of bed feeling tired, had my latte and then went back to bed for another almost two hours. And I’m still tired. It’s just one of those days that no one ever told me about and/or no one actually talks about nowadays.

          It’s hard being as old as I am and living alone. And yes, I have Kuma, but he cannot talk; and while he gives me lots of attention and cuddles, it’s not the same as having a human in the house able to provide hugs and physical touches when they seem most needed.

Life also seems harder when my calendar is full, which it has been for the last couple of weeks. Once this week is over, my life should become less busy. True, I’ve really enjoyed the last couple of weeks with birthday celebrations, Thanksgiving, ushering tasks and spending time with family and friends, but I think I’m ready to have life become just a bit slower.

          My space today also seems very empty. Ordinarily, I keep myself busy with projects or reading or television, but today, I just feel like going back to bed and vegetating. Unfortunately, I cannot actually do that since I have my evening driftwood class tonight, and I plan on making jam tomorrow so have to go to the grocery store for more small jars.

          So, until I need to leave for class, I’m going to indulge myself with feeling sad, lonely, alone, needy, sorrowful, and just plain negative about my life today. But that’s only for today. Tomorrow, or maybe sooner, I’ll remember my time is finite and it’s best to spend it looking forward and enjoying each day as it comes. Also, I’m sure tomorrow I probably won’t feel as tired as today.

          In case you haven’t reached the conclusion that I’ve given myself permission to be on the negative side of my life, that’s where I am today, but only for today.

SO DISAPPOINTED

          

It’s the day after Thanksgiving and a week since my 80^th birthday. They’ve come and gone and left me feeling thankful for the family and friends with whom I celebrated these events. It’s also left me feeling a bit disappointed by those who chose to not share in either occasion.

          In particular, the youngest son’s response was not only disappointing, but hurtful as well. He called when my birthday celebration was half over to tell me neither he nor any of his family would attend because they were sick. He didn’t want to get me or my guests sick. He was, however, going to go to work as usual. There was no way it was possible, I guess, that he could stop by on his way to work for a very few minutes.

          This son did call me on my actual birthday. He wished me a happy birthday followed by general conversation. I asked if they were going to come for Thanksgiving because I was going to do my shopping the following day. He explained they were going to cook at their house and have his wife’s brother and girlfriend for dinner. He went on to say that the girlfriend would be cooking Christmas and they would go there. Well, okay, since they haven’t attended either Thanksgiving or Christmas in a number of years.

          As we continued to talk, he told me all about his wife’s eldest son’s birthday which was the day before mine. Dinner was prepared for him and gifts given. My response to that was to say how disappointed I was that he couldn’t even be bothered to send me an 80^th birthday card. This was met by silence, followed by the excuse that he doesn’t mail anything so had no stamps. This is the same son who sells on E-Bay on an almost daily basis which necessitates a visit to the USPS. I guess purchasing a single stamp would have been too difficult.

          At that point I was done. I told him to have a great Thanksgiving and hung up. And, I am done. Period. Fini. Done. Done. Done. For the last ten plus years, I’ve “loaned” or given money, purchased a car, always remembered everyone’s birthday and Christmas with gifts or money, been available to babysit or help out however possible. I’ve gone that extra mile and then some. And it’s not that I resent all I’ve done because I don’t. I’m just very sad he couldn’t be bothered to attend my birthday or send a simple Happy Birthday card.

          Still, I had a lot to be thankful for yesterday. And not just thankful yesterday, but each and every single day for all the good in my life. That’s what I’m going to choose to remember and think about going forward.

TODAY, I'M MISSING YOU ALL

         

I just finished writing my birthday blog post but feel compelled to write this addendum. While I’m happy enough to be eighty, I’m also very sad. I miss all the loved ones that have crossed the rainbow bridge ahead of me. I cannot begin to express what it would mean to receive one last hug from grandma, mom, dad, and most especially John. 

          My birthday was celebrated by family and friends last Sunday and while I thought of missing family members, I especially missed John. Somehow, all the hugs and good wishes I received that day (and since) didn’t fill the void his absence has left. Again, I cannot express what it would mean to have his arms around me, his body pressed tightly to me, and his lips against mine. I can almost hear his voice as he wishes me Happy Birthday. But that’s not ever going to happen unless there really is a rainbow bridge and he’s waiting on the other side.

          So, while memories don’t exactly do much to keep me warm, at least I have countless great ones from all the years past. These thoughts of family members, and especially of John, bring me comfort and make me smile on this special day.

HAPPY 80TH BIRTHDAY TO MOI!!!

         

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MOI!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, today I am officially eighty years old. I can remember thinking that fifty, nay, even thirty was OLD, OLD, OLD. Now, I’ve surpassed all those other milestones by quite a lot which is a surprise to me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like eighty crept up on me; it didn’t, it came year by year by year, and suddenly, here it is…amazing.

          My mother made it to seventy-seven and my grandma made it to eighty-nine, so I’ve lived longer than my mom, but have almost another decade to go before I reach my grandma’s age. Of course, once I was diagnosed with breast cancer at fifty-five, I began to live my life in a more healthy manner, so that’s probably why I’m still around to celebrate such a milestone.

          I’m sure my grandma could have lived longer than eighty-nine if she hadn’t fallen and broken her hip. I have no idea how far medical miracles had progressed in 1980 when she fell, but I don’t remember her having any kind of surgery. When she left the hospital, she went to a nursing home…such horrible places then…because my dad had died three years before and my mom had had to go to work. I was pregnant with my second child and worked outside the home, so I couldn’t take grandma in either. Looking back now, I’m positive it was being housed in a nursing home that led grandma to die sooner rather than later.

          Mom, of course, was a different story. From the time daddy died, all she wanted was to be able to join him in the after-life. She lived for an additional twenty-one years, but I’m afraid they weren’t particularly happy years. I’m sorry for that but one has to choose to have a happy life and then make a serious effort to have it and Mom didn’t make that choice.

          So, here I am, poised on the threshold of a brand-new decade with each and every year commencing with an eight. For the most part, I feel just fine and don’t expect to succumb to the grim reaper any time soon. True, I have aches and pains but nothing that prevents me from living alone with my dog and taking care of my financial and daily living needs. Family and friends add to the pleasure of being alive and capable enough to pretty much do anything I choose to do.

          And, there’s my favorite word…CHOOSE. Yes, I’m eighty today, and the coming years may bring me more pain, illness, and sadness, but as long as I can wake up and CHOOSE to have a great…okay, good…day, then that’s what I’m going to CHOOSE. And with the right choices and a little luck, I just may make enough great…okay good…choices to be writing a blog post celebrating my ninetieth year.

I JUST DONT GET IT

 

          I just don’t get it. How can I go from feeling great and accomplishing a whole bunch of stuff followed by a fairly good night’s sleep to waking up and feeling as though I’ve been run over by a bus? I just don’t get it.

          Yesterday, I cut down all the plants in the back garden, literally filling up my entire yard waste can. I also changed my bed, did laundry, made my dinner, took a shower and washed my hair. I felt good and proud of myself for what I’d accomplished when I went to bed…a very good feeling. I even had a fairly good night’s sleep although calf cramps woke me up a couple of times. My Fitbit says I slept eleven hours and twenty-eight minutes…that includes the hour and twenty-three minutes from going back to bed this morning.

          So, how could I wake up feeling as though I’d barely slept. I logged almost nine hours of sleep, although I do think my Fitbit didn’t record it properly…I was up for at least a half hour because I needed to use the potty and that doesn’t appear to be recorded as other than a short awake time. Yet, here I am grousing through my fingers about still feeling tired.

So, I’m not going to my exercise class although I will do my stretches and physical therapy when I leave this keyboard. Even so, I don’t feel as though I want to do them…I’d just like to go right back to bed. I still feel extremely tired. I just don’t get it.

MAKE A CHOICE!!!

 

          Well, there’s nothing like having five great days only to have them followed by a day that looks as though it won’t be very good at all; that is provided I allow myself to simply sink into the couch with a book and ignore everything that’s on my “need to accomplish” list. There’s no actual reason for this with the exception of all I have to do is look out the window, or turn off all the lights in my house…it’s dark and dreary out there…and would be in here without electricity.

          Still, there’s really nothing I can do about what’s outside, so I need to address myself, i.e., “Self, get off your ass and get busy!!!”, so I think that’s what I’ll CHOOSE to do.

PLANTING FOR SPRING

 

          Someone should pat me on the back. I worked very hard yesterday in the cold planting fifty-four bulbs. Twelve of them were three varieties of alliums and the other bulbs were lilies. I can’t wait to see them in full bloom next summer, but I’ll be watching for them to pop up long before that. You see, I made myself a map so I’ll know what I planted where…aren’t I just a genius!!!

          On the back side of the water feature I planted three pretty woman tree lilies. I can’t remember what they looked like in the catalog, but I know they have to be gorgeous or I wouldn’t have ordered.

          Alongside the deck and water feature I planted ten Stargazer lilies which should, I hope, make my deck smell delightful. While I love the scent, I’m hoping it won’t be too strong. I also planted another ten stargazer lilies just west of the old broken bird bath…wonder if I can obtain a new bowl for it?

          Adjacent the north side of the deck, I planted eighteen Asian lilies. I don’t know what colors because they were “mixed,” but that’s okay because they’ll undoubtedly be gorgeous.

          I placed five of the alliums, two of them giant, just a bit behind and to the right of the water feature. I added another three adjacent that are a different allium. The final seven which were also labeled as giant alliums, were placed on the north side of the walkway in front of the Karlberg Memorial Apple Tree.

          Once I get my dahlias moved from where they’re now located…probably next spring…I’ll have a garden full of blossoms like never before. Of course, I shouldn’t count my blossoms before they bloom because who knows what can happen over the winter…fingers crossed.

          Oh, yes, I used a new tool for planting this year. It is a auger that attached to my drill. Once I figured out how to get it on to the drill and installed a fresh battery, digging those holes went so fast and so much better than every other method I’ve tried over the years. If you see one for sale, grab it up…it’s worth every single penny.

          Boy am I happy with me, myself and I. We did a great job and now must be patient. Of course, if the next six months goes by like the last ten months, I’ll be cutting lilies very soon.

LETTING STUFF GO

         

      Today, I think my heart feels lighter as will my home come this weekend. You see, I made the not so difficult choice to “let go” of some of the stuff I’ve been hanging on to. Why I hung on to this stuff for so long, I’m not exactly sure, but I finally decided it was definitely time.

          It began with all the various things I saved once John passed. There were books, collector items (maybe), and a variety of other things I had every intention of putting on either E-Bay or Buy-Nothing. I managed to do that with a very few items, but somehow just never got around to the rest.

          So, I called the sons once I’d pretty much boxed up most of it. The elder came and took the two duck stamp display frames since he inherited all the duck stamps. He also took a couple of patches, one of which says, “FUCK,” and that’s destined for the granddaughter (perhaps her favorite word).

          The other son will be here this coming weekend to haul away all the other stuff. Meanwhile, I opened another closet and saw all the Partylite snow globes I haven’t displayed for I don’t know how many years. The elder daughter-in-law was/is a Partylite consultant and has way more than I ever collected. So, I offered it to the other daughter-in-law. Younger son will haul all of those home as well. He said he thought the grandson might like to have them. In any case, another big shelf will be empty by the end of the weekend.

          Just today, I offered the younger son all the VHS tapes and DVDs because I don’t have a machine that will play either format. And, yes, I’d love to watch Chicago just one more time, or all of the Fellowship of the Rings movies, but I also know I can obtain any movie online from a variety of formats. More empty space by the weekend.

          I also have a twin bed that needs to find a new home which no one in the family wants/needs. I’m going to offer it on Buy-Nothing with all the bedding, frame and headboard. Then, I’ll be down to just one twin bed which will go into the room I’ve been using for my driftwood…whenever I manage to go in there and do something.

          The impetus of all this isn’t the fact I’m turning eighty, but the need for a room where I can work on my driftwood.  I just don’t want to get sawdust all over every single thing in the room or house. Once the room is empty except for a big table, lamp, chair and whatever else I’ll need, I’ll be able to shut the door and keep the dust in that room.

          The room I’m planning to use as my workshop now contains a bed, nightstand and dresser. Once the other twin bed is gone, I’ll move those things into the smaller room. I’ve already moved my spring/summer clothes and other stuff I need to store into that room’s closet. And, speaking of closets, I went through mine and purged a couple boxes of clothes I haven’t worn in a very long time…it was hard to part with some of my favorite things, but it needed to be done. In addition, there’s a bookcase in that room that can hold all the various do-dads I’m not ready to part with just yet.

          I’m not sure I understand just how I’m feeling with all these plans in motion. I also don’t understand why all of a sudden I’m willing to part with all this “stuff,” and yet, I most definitely am. On reflection, I think I’m feeling just fine about this “letting go.” Everything that’s on its way out the door is absolutely nothing I absolutely need…want maybe, but not seriously want. Rooms and shelves may be a little more empty by this time next week, but I think my heart has expanded as I’ve let go.

DARK DAYS AND HOLIDAYS

 

Well, here I am at the beginning of my least favorite times of the year. I seriously believe I was meant to live some place where the sun shines most of the time and the temperatures are temperate. I absolutely love sun and warmth and the northwest isn’t famous for lot of that, plus I haven’t addressed the fact the days are going to become short, with the sun disappearing by 4:00 pm for days or months on end.

          Then, there’s the fact it’s also the beginning of the “holiday” season. I’ve thought for some time now that it would be wonderful to leave here on November 1^st and not return until March 1^st. I have no idea where I would go or what I would do even if I could afford to absent myself. I know there were years, maybe decades, when the holiday season was something to which I looked forward. Of course, I was ever so much younger then, my husband, parents and grandmother were all alive and my kids were small. Somehow, having become the elder has removed most of the fun from the holiday season.

          So, okay, the next six months won’t be my favorite time of year, but what can I do that will help me get through the short gray days and the demands thereof. I need to think about that and concentrate on the positives this time could and, hopefully, will bring…there have to some, don’t you think?

          I’ve changed my bed over to the down comforter. I love the weight of the comforter and how it seems to hug and warm me. Even though I would have been way too hot during the best days, and enjoyed the lightweight comforter, I did miss my downy. I love snuggling into my bed on these cooler nights and I’m sure it will be absolutely delightful when Jack Frost and Mr. Winter arrive.

          Halloween is just down the road and I do have decorations. There are four witches in front, three stuck into my big flowerpots and one swinging from a hook. There’s a ghost I made from an old white sheet…spray painted big black eyes on it. I put an empty hanging basket through the top and s/he sways in the wind. Kuma didn’t like the small figure I put on the front porch. It moves and says various things like, “Happy Halloween.” Kuma found it scary initially and still has to stop and sniff each time he goes by.

When I went through the Halloween box brought down from the attic, I also found all the cardboard signs and skeleton I bought fifty-plus years ago. Only the skeleton is being utilized and he hangs on the front door. I left the other stuff in the box, but among what was/is in there, I found the two witches AJ made in grade school, as well as a number of decorations made by Thor. Since I’m not using them, I ought to return them to the now grown artists.

So, I guess you could say I’m ready for that first holiday; or will be once I buy a bag of candy. With less than fifteen trick-or-treaters, that’s about all I need which also means I won’t be tempted to eat a lot of candy. Somehow, I just cannot buy the candy I don’t like…wonder why that is???

After Halloween, is my birthday. I’ll be eighty this year and don’t yet know if the kids are planning an event to celebrate. Maybe I should plan my own event??? Several friends have asked about my plans and want to take me to lunch or dinner. If there’s one event with a cake, that would suffice. I told the kids last year that I didn’t need anything for my birthday then, that they could save up for a big bash this year. Guess time will tell if they listened.

Next is Thanksgiving. I haven’t yet talked to anyone about this, but I did make the dinner last year and had my eldest son and his family here. My youngest son’s wife prefers to cook their turkey, although I seem to remember it was actually my son that cooked last year…how nice to know he can do that. And, of course, the kids always come back the following day for leftovers, so that’s fun too. Plus, there’s nothing like a turkey sandwich or leftover dressing with gravy. I think I’m making myself hungry.

All too soon, it’s Christmas, although I’ll probably decorate right after Thanksgiving. I have a small fake tree that l can put together myself. Out of all the boxes of Christmas stuff in the attic, I only need one or two. Those hold the tree decorations and wrapping materials. The rest of the boxes with all the other decorations can remain in the attic as they’ve done the past few years. Even all the snow globes that live in the hall closet will remain there. It’s simply too much to utilize every single thing I’ve acquired in the last fifty-nine years. Maybe at some point, the stuff in these boxes will be prized by my grandkids.

Christmas Eve will be spent alone with just Kuma. Christmas day will find me cooking up four pounds of bacon to take to AJ’s and Angie’s for the annual brunch, provided the ritual continues. Once again, Thor and his family will remain in their home for their own holiday celebration.

When I think back to holiday celebrations of the past, I remember so many Thanksgivings and Christmases where my house was filled with people, love, laughter and happy voices. I miss those holidays, love all the memories, but the changes are understandable; and I now know how my mother felt when I usurped her position as the family hostess. What goes around comes around so they say and unfortunately “they” are right.

          Following Christmas is New Years. Once again, I’ll most likely be in bed by the time the new year rolls in…I may even be awake. It’s been decades since I attended any parties where there was a lot to drink, comradery and kisses at midnight that didn’t all originate with my husband. Those were always so fun…the parties and, okay, the kisses too. But it’s just fine to be home alone in my own bed with my dog. I can’t imagine any wild parties at my age, and the idea of kissing some old guy leaves me absolutely cold.

          The next and final holiday which isn’t actually isn’t a holiday is Valentine’s Day. John and I met the day before Valentine’s Day, so we always celebrated the thirteenth rather than the actual day. Since John’s been gone, I’ve made my way to See’s and bought myself the box of chocolates he always gave me. They still taste just as good. I do miss trolling through the cards and choosing a special one for John. I used to buy and send cards for all the kids and grandkids, but I gave that up some time ago. So, I may have chocolates, but no cards and that’s just fine.

          The above gets me through the holiday season and most of winter. Were I to be off somewhere in the sun during these various days, each one would be just another day at the beach. No cooking, shopping, wrapping, or participating in any of the annual rituals. Instead, there would be long, lazy days in the sunshine with some really good books.

          Why don’t I do this you ask? Well, there are multiple reasons, i.e., I would miss my family and think maybe I’d miss the holidays too. Then, there’s the expense. Sure, I could afford it, but I have no idea how many more years I’ll live, so I feel like I need to be cautious with my spending. Most of all, however, is the guilt I think I’d feel at leaving everyone behind. Or course, I’m automatically assuming they’d miss me and potentially be annoyed by my absence. Still, just imagine…I’d have all that time alone in that luscious warm weather, just me, myself, and I. Guess that would be kinda selfish and not at all in the holiday spirit.

LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER...NOT!!!

          

 Honestly, wasn’t life a lot simpler when there were fewer devices for us to use in our daily lives. I’m sure some might disagree with me, but after the last couple of weeks, I’d be happy to return to bank accounts that use only paper, mail you a statement each month and have several simple credit cards for a variety of usages. This is due, of course, to my having fraud perpetrated on not one, but two of my credit cards…the ones I use most often of course.

          I know my eyesight is getting bad compared to where it was a year or so ago. I also know that it will be better next year once they “harvest” the cataracts on my eyes. Meanwhile, why does every single company with whom I interact in some fashion have to provide me with statements in teeny-tiny print. And, okay, I’m the one printing them out and there’s probably a way to change the font, but why should I have to do that.

          All this complaining is to confess that I looked at my last statements from the credit cards that were cancelled and reissued to make sure I went online and updated all the automatic payments so the charges would go to one of the new credit cards. Well, my eyesight failed me.

          First, I received an email from my health provider that the charge for October hadn’t gone through. I tried to rectify that by using the link that email provided. It was a site I didn’t believe I’d ever been to before. There were login boxes, but nothing I put in those boxes worked. There was also an area where I could register for a new account, but none of the information I provided there worked either.

          So, I just finished talking to my health provider’s office. Once the person there understood what I was talking about, she in turn passed me on to the company that does the charging for the coverage. This was another ten minutes (or more) spent waiting for the person there to check on whether or not I did have an account. Well, damn me, if I didn’t, but I certainly didn’t have any login information or even a memory of signing up for the account. All this time, I thought my health provider made those arrangements.

          So, back online with the correct sign-in information and “temporary” pass word, I was able to get into the account create a new password and provide the new credit card information. I think back to those dark ages when I’d simply go to the bank and have someone help me with a minimum dispensation of my time.

          But I wasn’t quite done. Netflix was also on that cancelled credit card. This change was quite easy, however. I just signed in, was greeted with a choice of retry the current card or provide a new card. This took me maybe two minutes.

          And, yes, I know, this was all my own fault because I didn’t check out the companies who actually perpetrated the frauds. But again, back in the dark ages, it wouldn’t have been possible for those companies to commit the fraud because by the time I looked at all the “paper” provided, I would have known to put it in the shredder…oh wait, we didn’t have shredders then because we simply threw all that stuff into the garbage.

          So, yes, life is so much simpler and better now…don’t you agree???

FIRST ANNOYANCE OF THE DAY

          

 To say I’m just a bit annoyed would be like saying the ocean is wet. My doctor put me on Jardiance because I have diabetes and take no other medication for this malady. Since this is a “new” medicine, I have to pay out of pocket and it’s a little over $100 for a three-month supply. That’s okay and I can afford it although I’m not yet sure this medication is doing much of anything about my A1C levels, but I’ll be having a blood test this week and find out.

          What I find most annoying is the fact that the prescription doesn’t call for me to take a 25 milligram table. No, the prescription says I should take only 12.5 milligrams per day. What does that mean?  It means that I have to CUT each and every one of those tablets in half. Why the company cannot produce 12.5 milligram tablets is beyond me…probably too expensive and the pharmaceutical company is far too POOR to allow for this production.

          The tablet cutter is designed to cut anything from a small to a large pill. This means I have to line up the pill so there is a fair chance it is cut in half evenly. FAT CHANCE!!! No matter how hard I try to position that fucking pill, it rarely is cut evenly. And, do you have any idea how long it takes to halve ninety pills…way too long.

          But, now that I’ve expressed my huge annoyance through my fingers, it’s time to get up out of this chair and attempt to get on with my day. And, at least it will be another 180 days before I have to be annoyed by this process once again. Hmmm, wonder if this annoyance raises my blood pressure? I’m sure there’s a pill for that too. Would it need to be halved as well?

          Time to take several DEEP BREATHS and get on with the day.

LOOKING BACK

           

Perhaps because of the most recent blog post, I’ve been looking back over my life. I remember how my grandma would tell me the same tales over and over when she became older. It wasn’t as if she remembered she’d already told me that story numerous times, but with each telling, it seemed to me that she believed she was telling it for the first time. I wonder if that will happen to me?

          I think maybe one of the reasons Grandma repeated herself was because she was lonely. I don’t remember what her life was like in California or if I even knew. I do know that when she had to move back to Seattle, my parents found her an apartment in low-income elderly housing. It was just across the valley from my house, but about five or more miles to where my parents lived.

          My mom didn’t drive, so it wasn’t like she could visit often. She and daddy did go once a week and take Grandma grocery shopping. Sometimes that trip was combined with a doctor’s appointment, and maybe even lunch out. I was busy being a mother, wife and working outside the home most of the time. Still, looking back now that I’m the age Grandma was when she died, I could have certainly made more of an effort to make her a larger part of my life. True, I always subbed for my parents and always included Grandma when we held family events. Still, Grandma must have been fairly lonely.

    Grandma did make friends with some of the folks in her building. I also believe she participated in some of the various activities that were available. Unlike Grandma, I’m mobile and don’t need to depend on anyone to take me places. I’m still driving and can get there on my own. I also have a fair number of friends with whom I can do things and go places. Many times, these events result in a new experience which I can discuss when talking to my own kids and grandkids.

          So far I don’t think I’m repeating myself too often. If I am, I certainly hope my friends, kids and grandkids would be kind (or would that be mean) enough to tell me they’ve heard that story before. And, when I reference mean, I always felt if I told Grandma she’d already told me that story, I’d be rude and mean.

Of course, now, forty-five years later, I’d love to hear her voice on the other end of the phone. It would be such a genuine pleasure to sit back and listen to Grandma share her memories with me…wonder if at some point in time, my own grandkids will wish they could hear my voice telling stories once again?

FOURTEEN YEARS

         

Toward the end of last week, I had my annual review with my investment counselor. I’m pleased to say that judging by the plan and expectations of same, I should die with money left in my account. That made me feel happy and secure; however, there was another realization that accompanied the review and which I hadn’t realized (or had chosen to ignore) prior to this. It’s left me feeling…well, I’m not sure how I feel.

          You see, I’ll be eighty this coming November and my investment plan is projected for me to live to the age of ninety-four. It’s always been projected to that age and I’ve never really given it much thought. Unfortunately, I somehow noticed this time, the age of ninety-four will arrive in ONLY fourteen years…yes, fourteen (14) years. It’s simply amazing to think that there is so little time left.

Of course, it doesn’t mean that I’ll automatically die at the age of ninety-four or that I’ll run out of money. There’s the chance I could live well beyond ninety-four. There’s also the chance something disastrous could happen prior to ninety-four that would end my life earlier. Even worse to consider is that something even more disastrous could happen, i.e., a significant change in my health that would require being institutionalized and which would suck up all the money I now or will ever have. Neither of these options (as if I get to choose) reassure me; if anything, both ideas leave me feeling a bit scared and forlorn.

I spent yesterday with my best friend and talked about how I ONLY have fourteen years left. Fortunately for me she is an extremely positive person and said all the right things to assure me that I didn’t need to worry about only having fourteen years. Eventually, our discussion led to lots of laughter and silly talk. It was sort of like that old game we used to play where we would say something which had to be followed by a set phrase, i.e., “I need to take a trip to the moon because ‘I only have fourteen years left’.” I needed that and will continue to need it for the next fourteen years…and hopefully, far beyond. I mean, really, I only have fourteen years left.

WOE IS ME

 

          Boy, sometimes it seems as though life just has to take a whole bunch of swings atcha. It’s been that way for the past month, more or less. In total, there have been five human deaths, and one dog death with another dog on the Grim Reaper’s lap. Then, in twelve more days, it will be six years since John passed away. Daily, I feel depression calling my name, and daily, I fight it back…but it isn’t easy.

          The first death was that of a man who was maybe fourteen or fifteen when we moved into this house. He lived next door, the middle child with an older brother (who was hit by a car and killed ten years ago), and a younger sister. We watched those kids grow up and maintained contact through their parents for quite a long time. Since hearing of his death, I’ve revisited some of the happenings and tales from way back then. It’s also hard to wrap my head around the fact he was pushing seventy and his little sister is sixty-six.

          This was followed by the passing of my zoo boss’ wife from lung cancer. We’d known since late last year that, foregoing any kind of treatment (her choice), it would be six months or so before she would die.

          The third (and I thought) final death was a huge shock. It was my first zoo boss who had appeared to be in very good health. True, he had some health issues, but none that were immediately life threatening. I don’t yet know what sent him to the emergency room, only that he didn’t return. This was hard because over the years he went from boss to good friend.

          Through the various emails that were generated by the second and third deaths, the knowledge of the death of the zoo’s veterinarian who served for some of the years I was at the zoo was shared. She passed in June and there was little information as to why, but I really liked that woman and had often wondered where she’d gone after my zoo. She made four.

          The fifth death was the husband of a woman with whom I worked at the zoo. Apparently, he had broken a hip and during recovery must have suffered some kind of set-back.

          That’s it for humans. My neighbor’s dog which they’ve had for seven months, developed pneumonia and passed the beginning of last week. My son’s dog is, as stated earlier, sitting in the lap of the grim reaper waiting for her owner to find a vet willing to come to the house and administer last rights.

          As I said in the beginning paragraph, I’m battling depression as a result, but what really brought it all home was a little sojourn to University Village yesterday. One of the stores visited was the Crate and Barrel. Many of you are probably familiar with this store. I wandered around both the bottom and top floors and admired all the wondrous items on hand for sale.

          As much as I appreciated the dishes, silverware, appliances, linens, lamps and furniture, it made me sad because I will never have need of any of the stuff contained in that store. I live in my own house with furniture I’ve had for decades (except for the bedroom furniture I bought four years ago). I also have every other thing I could acquire at the Crate and Barrel. Mine is all in good condition, isn’t close to being worn out and there’s absolutely no need to look for replacements.

          I guess I saw it as another way to look at how close to the end of my life I’m coming. Supposedly, I’m at the point where I’m expected to be “downsizing” and eliminating “stuff” from my life. Well, I’m not ready to do that either. I still like all my stuff and while I don’t need to add much of anything new, I’m not ready to eliminate it either.

          It’s also probably not the way to look at the next ten or twenty years I’ve left on this earth. I “should” be thankful for each and every day and search out new experiences and revel in the ordinary. Still, I’m finding it a bit hard at the moment. I also know these thoughts and feelings won’t last unless allowed.

          So, it’s past time to put away the “woe is me” thoughts and get busy with something that will put a smile on my face and a bounce in my step…don’t quite know what that will be yet, but I’m on the lookout.

KUMA, MY WONDER DOG, IS THREE TODAY!!!

 

          

Today is Kuma’s third birthday. I can’t believe he’s been my most treasured companion for three whole years…excepting the first three months when he was with his mom. I still cannot fathom how lucky I was to spot his precious face on Facebook at a time when I was feeling so lonely and depressed. Kuma changed my life in so many ways and has brought me so much joy.

          I love how he is so enthusiastic about coming with me in the car. Every morning when I’m getting ready, he shows up in the bathroom just at the moment I’m donning my pants (how does he know???). He looks at me as though he’s trying desperately to hypnotize me into allowing him to go with me wherever I’m going. Unfortunately, when it’s sunny, he has to stay home because the car gets too hot if I cannot find shade in which to park.

When Kuma does get to go, he loves sticking his head out the window. I’m fine with that except when he puts his paws on the door in order to stick his head out even further. Even though I don’t roll the window down far enough for him to actually fall out, it still gives me pause…kind of like when the kids did stuff that was safe but with the potential for injury.

         Kuma follows me from room to room, often stepping on the back of my flip-flop. He wants to be exactly wherever I am, and I don’t mind one little bit. If I’m on the couch reading or watching television, he’s right there beside me. My favorite thing though is how he manages to lay right up against me in bed. He may not be there when I fall asleep, but as I begin to drift up from the depths, my first thought is that it is John cuddling me. I love that, even though there’s just a teensy bit of sorrow in my heart when I wake enough to realize it’s my puppy Kuma.

          Today, I prepared his lunch and allowed him to sit at the table. It didn’t take long for that soft dogfood (filet mignon flavor) to disappear into his tummy. Then, I gave Kuma his gift. I’d wrapped up a rather large stuffy with two rubber squeaky toys. It didn’t take long for him to get inside the wrapper (I videoed and posted the videos and photos to Facebook.) and pull out the plush. That largish toy stayed together for only three (3) minutes and was totally disemboweled in six (6).

I just now took his “Pawp Corn” squeaky toy away because he'd chewed off a corner to get the squeaker. He‘s moved on to the “I’m just here for the fries.” squeaky toy and I assume I’ll be tossing that one in the very near future. I’m seriously hoping he doesn’t ingest enough of his presents to require a trip to the vet.

          Yep, in less than the time it took me to type the paragraph above, the fries toy had to be sent to the garbage. But, since it’s Kuma’s birthday, I gave him a “Pork Earz” because he can chew that up and swallow without it doing him any harm. Kuma also usually gets a frozen bone when I have my tot of gin in the late afternoon and I’m wondering if I should do that today or not.

          Never in my entire life, at least until three years ago, did I ever think I could love an animal as much as I love Kuma. True, we always had dogs, but they were more John’s dogs than mine, so I never felt totally invested. With Kuma, I’m his ONLY person and he’s my ONLY doggie, so I cannot express exactly just how much joy and love he provides.

          There are only a couple of things I’d like to change or improve. I keep working to get Kuma to not jump up on people when they come to visit. He gets so excited, makes love barks and growls and just has to jump up. I’d also like to be able to take him for a walk on a leash and not have him lose his shit when he sees another dog. I simply cannot control him when he gets like that, so we don’t walk. As for having him bark at other dogs when in the car or in the front window, I think (hope) we almost have that under control. Kuma still makes noise, but it’s not the, “I’m going to rip out your throat.” barking he was doing. Time and patience…that’s all it takes, right?

          I’ve been told that once this dog breed reaches the age of three, they tend to mellow out and be less jumpy and barky. Touch back in a year when Kuma turns four and I’ll let you know.

          Anyway, this is Kuma’s day, so I need to go throw the ball, give him pets, sing the birthday song a few more times, and do my best to let him know that while I’m his person, he’s my most favorite doggie…ever!!!!

YAY MOI!!!

          

Well, since this has been a fairly shitty week, I thought I’d just have to give myself a huge pat on the back because I both NEED and DESERVE it.

          For some reason my I-pad decided to stop receiving emails the end of last November which wasn’t really a big deal. Unfortunately (or fortunately), I’m now being included in the monthly NWDA board meeting, all held via zoom. My desktop’s sound stopped working quite some time ago and I’ve never been able to find a fix. So, if I’m going to zoom, I need to have sound unless I can read lips…I cannot.

          When deciding on a remedy, I think I can also do zoom via my phone, but decided since I couldn’t come up with a solution to make email work on my I-pad, I’d make a visit to the Apple store. Almost immediately, a young man offered to assist me, but while he was working with me, he was also being asked to help elsewhere. We finally reached a point where I felt confident in my ability to complete the effort and sent him on his way. I’m sure he could have completed this exercise in half the time (or less) it took me to finally get the email pouring onto the I-pad. Yay for moi.

          Later that same day, I went to look at my email on my desktop, only to be told there was a send/error. Once again, I tried everything I could think of, but could only access my Outlook email if I signed into Xfinity or used my phone or I-pad. Since I type really fast on my keyboard, I NEED to be able to conduct email business at my desk.

          I was so frustrated. I attempted to find the solution Tuesday evening, all day Wednesday and most of the day today. Email on my phone would tell me I needed to “sign-in,” but for some dumb (sure it was smart when I decided to do it) reason, I have a process that requires two authentications and I’d lose the sign-in page while obtaining the authentication. I finally figured out how to do that without losing the sign-in page, but the email still didn’t work.

          Finally, this afternoon, I went online and asked my computer how I could access the SMTP…whatever that is. I followed the instructions provided and, voila, after restarting my computer, my email is up and working.

          So, YAY FOR MOI. You have no idea how badly I needed this positive experience today. 

NOTICE – CRIMINAL TRESPASS WARNING

 

          Last November I blogged about three of my neighbors. This blog will be devoted to just one of those neighbors, the one that called the police while my granddaughter was behind my fence raking weeds back from the fence. This neighbor’s “war” with me has now escalated.

          As I’ve been diligently weeding the back flowerbed that is adjacent the back fence, I’ve been having to pull morning glories and blackberries that are coming through the fence. If I’m not vigilant, the morning glories wind themselves around my plants, and it’s a bitch to get them off. They are also growing up through my flowerbed now. Since they grow so fast, I’m sure that just a few months of being ignored, would allow them to completely claim that back flowerbed and strangle all the good plants there.

          So, thinking that if I texted a very polite request to have my granddaughter come and pull the weeds back from the fence, I would get a positive response, I did so. The neighbor’s response was, “NO”. So, I texted again, saying I didn’t understand why this couldn’t be allowed and asked why this person couldn’t be a good neighbor. No response for a couple of days.

          Then, yesterday, there was a knock on my front door. There stood another Lake Forest Park policeman…perhaps the very one who warned me last fall. According to what he had to say, I had once again trespassed on this neighbor’s property. I told him I had not and offered to show him my back gate and the texts I’d sent. He responded she had shown him the texts. He went on to say he was there to provide me with an, “NOTICE – CRIMINAL TRESPASS WARNING.”

          I was SHOCKED!!! Seriously SHOCKED!!!

          The officer went on to review the contents of the warning document, asked for proof of who I was (I recited my driver’s license number which I know by heart.) and had me sign the warning. It is good for three years and he gave me a copy.

          When I read the document later, it says, “Entering or remaining on said premises after this warning has been duly issued, shall be considered a knowing violation of…and as such, you shall be subject to legal action including ARREST and/or the filing of criminal charges.”

          I am shocked and angered by this neighbor’s actions, and all over the weeds that grow unchecked behind the fence. It also leaves me in a quandary about replacing the fence which will soon be needed. Is it possible to replace the fence without going on her property…I guess the contractor will have to answer that question. And, if it’s even possible, I guess I’ll assume the entire replacement cost.

          Seriously, what has happened to the sense of community, the willingness to be helpful, one neighbor to another, the possibility of discussion about something that negatively affects one neighbor and not another??? I don’t have an answer and guess I’ll just have to view this as another indication of the poisonous venom that’s permeating our society…additional proof of the “trickle down” theory.

          In writing this, I’ve gone from being hugely angry to being simply very sad. Perhaps it’s a good thing I’m as old as I am because it means I won’t have to endure many more of these “trickle down” societal elements. Seems like life and people used to be so much kinder, or am I just wearing rose-colored glasses?

SHOWER TIME FOR KUMA

 

Today I gave Kuma a shower and now I know why they charge so much for his grooming appointment. It was not a pleasant experience, although he smells much better now than he did before we showered.

And, when I say “we” showered, I mean, we showered. It took two tries to get him into the shower. He didn’t want to go and there was a whole bunch of water on the floor and me by the time I got him in the shower. It was a good thing I’d stripped down to my panties before we began this exercise because my nightie, or any other clothing, would have been as damp as my underwear.

Kuma seemed rather resigned to his shower once he was in there. He didn’t try to climb back out and allowed me to spray him with very warm water. He also allowed me to add puppy shampoo (it doesn’t sting the eyes) after I turned the water off and scrub him all over his entire body. Kuma also stood completely still as I turned the water back on and began to rinse all the shampoo off his body. You have no idea how grateful I was for his cooperation.

Once the soap was completely rinsed off, I shut the shower door and waited for him to shake. He’d already shaken once, even before I got the shampoo on him, but he refused to shake even though I waited several minutes. I opened the shower door and allowed him to climb out, quickly putting a big towel over him. Then, he shook, and shook again, and shook again, and shook again, even when the towel fell off. I’m sure if I look closely, I’ll find water droplets that have dried on the walls, tub and toilet. I’m not looking closely today, maybe tomorrow.

I used my hair dryer to attempt to dry his fur somewhat. He didn’t like that either and kept moving around the bathroom, which was actually fine because I could dry both sides and his back. He wasn’t completely dry when I finally gave in to his very loud barks and movements of irritation and turned the hair dryer off.

Then, I put another towel on the couch, so he could be in that place and allow his fur to dry. Of course, he didn’t want to be there, he wanted to be alongside me on the other couch. It took some loud commands to get Kuma to stay on the other couch even though he wasn’t exactly on the towel I placed there. 

Now, several hours later, he’s all dry and fluffy and smells much better than he did when we went to bed last night. However, after this experience, I understand why Hippie Hounds charges so much to groom him. It must take at least four people and who knows how much effort to get him bathed, dried, brushed and his toenails clipped. I didn’t clip his toenails or brush him and barely got him bathed and dried. I don’t know about Kuma, but his mommy is totally exhausted.