TODAY IS A DAY...

          

 …where I feel even older than my eighty years. I got out of bed feeling tired, had my latte and then went back to bed for another almost two hours. And I’m still tired. It’s just one of those days that no one ever told me about and/or no one actually talks about nowadays.

          It’s hard being as old as I am and living alone. And yes, I have Kuma, but he cannot talk; and while he gives me lots of attention and cuddles, it’s not the same as having a human in the house able to provide hugs and physical touches when they seem most needed.

Life also seems harder when my calendar is full, which it has been for the last couple of weeks. Once this week is over, my life should become less busy. True, I’ve really enjoyed the last couple of weeks with birthday celebrations, Thanksgiving, ushering tasks and spending time with family and friends, but I think I’m ready to have life become just a bit slower.

          My space today also seems very empty. Ordinarily, I keep myself busy with projects or reading or television, but today, I just feel like going back to bed and vegetating. Unfortunately, I cannot actually do that since I have my evening driftwood class tonight, and I plan on making jam tomorrow so have to go to the grocery store for more small jars.

          So, until I need to leave for class, I’m going to indulge myself with feeling sad, lonely, alone, needy, sorrowful, and just plain negative about my life today. But that’s only for today. Tomorrow, or maybe sooner, I’ll remember my time is finite and it’s best to spend it looking forward and enjoying each day as it comes. Also, I’m sure tomorrow I probably won’t feel as tired as today.

          In case you haven’t reached the conclusion that I’ve given myself permission to be on the negative side of my life, that’s where I am today, but only for today.

SO DISAPPOINTED

          

It’s the day after Thanksgiving and a week since my 80^th birthday. They’ve come and gone and left me feeling thankful for the family and friends with whom I celebrated these events. It’s also left me feeling a bit disappointed by those who chose to not share in either occasion.

          In particular, the youngest son’s response was not only disappointing, but hurtful as well. He called when my birthday celebration was half over to tell me neither he nor any of his family would attend because they were sick. He didn’t want to get me or my guests sick. He was, however, going to go to work as usual. There was no way it was possible, I guess, that he could stop by on his way to work for a very few minutes.

          This son did call me on my actual birthday. He wished me a happy birthday followed by general conversation. I asked if they were going to come for Thanksgiving because I was going to do my shopping the following day. He explained they were going to cook at their house and have his wife’s brother and girlfriend for dinner. He went on to say that the girlfriend would be cooking Christmas and they would go there. Well, okay, since they haven’t attended either Thanksgiving or Christmas in a number of years.

          As we continued to talk, he told me all about his wife’s eldest son’s birthday which was the day before mine. Dinner was prepared for him and gifts given. My response to that was to say how disappointed I was that he couldn’t even be bothered to send me an 80^th birthday card. This was met by silence, followed by the excuse that he doesn’t mail anything so had no stamps. This is the same son who sells on E-Bay on an almost daily basis which necessitates a visit to the USPS. I guess purchasing a single stamp would have been too difficult.

          At that point I was done. I told him to have a great Thanksgiving and hung up. And, I am done. Period. Fini. Done. Done. Done. For the last ten plus years, I’ve “loaned” or given money, purchased a car, always remembered everyone’s birthday and Christmas with gifts or money, been available to babysit or help out however possible. I’ve gone that extra mile and then some. And it’s not that I resent all I’ve done because I don’t. I’m just very sad he couldn’t be bothered to attend my birthday or send a simple Happy Birthday card.

          Still, I had a lot to be thankful for yesterday. And not just thankful yesterday, but each and every single day for all the good in my life. That’s what I’m going to choose to remember and think about going forward.

TODAY, I'M MISSING YOU ALL

         

I just finished writing my birthday blog post but feel compelled to write this addendum. While I’m happy enough to be eighty, I’m also very sad. I miss all the loved ones that have crossed the rainbow bridge ahead of me. I cannot begin to express what it would mean to receive one last hug from grandma, mom, dad, and most especially John. 

          My birthday was celebrated by family and friends last Sunday and while I thought of missing family members, I especially missed John. Somehow, all the hugs and good wishes I received that day (and since) didn’t fill the void his absence has left. Again, I cannot express what it would mean to have his arms around me, his body pressed tightly to me, and his lips against mine. I can almost hear his voice as he wishes me Happy Birthday. But that’s not ever going to happen unless there really is a rainbow bridge and he’s waiting on the other side.

          So, while memories don’t exactly do much to keep me warm, at least I have countless great ones from all the years past. These thoughts of family members, and especially of John, bring me comfort and make me smile on this special day.

HAPPY 80TH BIRTHDAY TO MOI!!!

         

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MOI!!!!!!!!!!! Yep, today I am officially eighty years old. I can remember thinking that fifty, nay, even thirty was OLD, OLD, OLD. Now, I’ve surpassed all those other milestones by quite a lot which is a surprise to me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like eighty crept up on me; it didn’t, it came year by year by year, and suddenly, here it is…amazing.

          My mother made it to seventy-seven and my grandma made it to eighty-nine, so I’ve lived longer than my mom, but have almost another decade to go before I reach my grandma’s age. Of course, once I was diagnosed with breast cancer at fifty-five, I began to live my life in a more healthy manner, so that’s probably why I’m still around to celebrate such a milestone.

          I’m sure my grandma could have lived longer than eighty-nine if she hadn’t fallen and broken her hip. I have no idea how far medical miracles had progressed in 1980 when she fell, but I don’t remember her having any kind of surgery. When she left the hospital, she went to a nursing home…such horrible places then…because my dad had died three years before and my mom had had to go to work. I was pregnant with my second child and worked outside the home, so I couldn’t take grandma in either. Looking back now, I’m positive it was being housed in a nursing home that led grandma to die sooner rather than later.

          Mom, of course, was a different story. From the time daddy died, all she wanted was to be able to join him in the after-life. She lived for an additional twenty-one years, but I’m afraid they weren’t particularly happy years. I’m sorry for that but one has to choose to have a happy life and then make a serious effort to have it and Mom didn’t make that choice.

          So, here I am, poised on the threshold of a brand-new decade with each and every year commencing with an eight. For the most part, I feel just fine and don’t expect to succumb to the grim reaper any time soon. True, I have aches and pains but nothing that prevents me from living alone with my dog and taking care of my financial and daily living needs. Family and friends add to the pleasure of being alive and capable enough to pretty much do anything I choose to do.

          And, there’s my favorite word…CHOOSE. Yes, I’m eighty today, and the coming years may bring me more pain, illness, and sadness, but as long as I can wake up and CHOOSE to have a great…okay, good…day, then that’s what I’m going to CHOOSE. And with the right choices and a little luck, I just may make enough great…okay good…choices to be writing a blog post celebrating my ninetieth year.

I JUST DONT GET IT

 

          I just don’t get it. How can I go from feeling great and accomplishing a whole bunch of stuff followed by a fairly good night’s sleep to waking up and feeling as though I’ve been run over by a bus? I just don’t get it.

          Yesterday, I cut down all the plants in the back garden, literally filling up my entire yard waste can. I also changed my bed, did laundry, made my dinner, took a shower and washed my hair. I felt good and proud of myself for what I’d accomplished when I went to bed…a very good feeling. I even had a fairly good night’s sleep although calf cramps woke me up a couple of times. My Fitbit says I slept eleven hours and twenty-eight minutes…that includes the hour and twenty-three minutes from going back to bed this morning.

          So, how could I wake up feeling as though I’d barely slept. I logged almost nine hours of sleep, although I do think my Fitbit didn’t record it properly…I was up for at least a half hour because I needed to use the potty and that doesn’t appear to be recorded as other than a short awake time. Yet, here I am grousing through my fingers about still feeling tired.

So, I’m not going to my exercise class although I will do my stretches and physical therapy when I leave this keyboard. Even so, I don’t feel as though I want to do them…I’d just like to go right back to bed. I still feel extremely tired. I just don’t get it.

MAKE A CHOICE!!!

 

          Well, there’s nothing like having five great days only to have them followed by a day that looks as though it won’t be very good at all; that is provided I allow myself to simply sink into the couch with a book and ignore everything that’s on my “need to accomplish” list. There’s no actual reason for this with the exception of all I have to do is look out the window, or turn off all the lights in my house…it’s dark and dreary out there…and would be in here without electricity.

          Still, there’s really nothing I can do about what’s outside, so I need to address myself, i.e., “Self, get off your ass and get busy!!!”, so I think that’s what I’ll CHOOSE to do.

PLANTING FOR SPRING

 

          Someone should pat me on the back. I worked very hard yesterday in the cold planting fifty-four bulbs. Twelve of them were three varieties of alliums and the other bulbs were lilies. I can’t wait to see them in full bloom next summer, but I’ll be watching for them to pop up long before that. You see, I made myself a map so I’ll know what I planted where…aren’t I just a genius!!!

          On the back side of the water feature I planted three pretty woman tree lilies. I can’t remember what they looked like in the catalog, but I know they have to be gorgeous or I wouldn’t have ordered.

          Alongside the deck and water feature I planted ten Stargazer lilies which should, I hope, make my deck smell delightful. While I love the scent, I’m hoping it won’t be too strong. I also planted another ten stargazer lilies just west of the old broken bird bath…wonder if I can obtain a new bowl for it?

          Adjacent the north side of the deck, I planted eighteen Asian lilies. I don’t know what colors because they were “mixed,” but that’s okay because they’ll undoubtedly be gorgeous.

          I placed five of the alliums, two of them giant, just a bit behind and to the right of the water feature. I added another three adjacent that are a different allium. The final seven which were also labeled as giant alliums, were placed on the north side of the walkway in front of the Karlberg Memorial Apple Tree.

          Once I get my dahlias moved from where they’re now located…probably next spring…I’ll have a garden full of blossoms like never before. Of course, I shouldn’t count my blossoms before they bloom because who knows what can happen over the winter…fingers crossed.

          Oh, yes, I used a new tool for planting this year. It is a auger that attached to my drill. Once I figured out how to get it on to the drill and installed a fresh battery, digging those holes went so fast and so much better than every other method I’ve tried over the years. If you see one for sale, grab it up…it’s worth every single penny.

          Boy am I happy with me, myself and I. We did a great job and now must be patient. Of course, if the next six months goes by like the last ten months, I’ll be cutting lilies very soon.