I JUST DONT GET IT

 

          I just don’t get it. How can I go from feeling great and accomplishing a whole bunch of stuff followed by a fairly good night’s sleep to waking up and feeling as though I’ve been run over by a bus? I just don’t get it.

          Yesterday, I cut down all the plants in the back garden, literally filling up my entire yard waste can. I also changed my bed, did laundry, made my dinner, took a shower and washed my hair. I felt good and proud of myself for what I’d accomplished when I went to bed…a very good feeling. I even had a fairly good night’s sleep although calf cramps woke me up a couple of times. My Fitbit says I slept eleven hours and twenty-eight minutes…that includes the hour and twenty-three minutes from going back to bed this morning.

          So, how could I wake up feeling as though I’d barely slept. I logged almost nine hours of sleep, although I do think my Fitbit didn’t record it properly…I was up for at least a half hour because I needed to use the potty and that doesn’t appear to be recorded as other than a short awake time. Yet, here I am grousing through my fingers about still feeling tired.

So, I’m not going to my exercise class although I will do my stretches and physical therapy when I leave this keyboard. Even so, I don’t feel as though I want to do them…I’d just like to go right back to bed. I still feel extremely tired. I just don’t get it.

MAKE A CHOICE!!!

 

          Well, there’s nothing like having five great days only to have them followed by a day that looks as though it won’t be very good at all; that is provided I allow myself to simply sink into the couch with a book and ignore everything that’s on my “need to accomplish” list. There’s no actual reason for this with the exception of all I have to do is look out the window, or turn off all the lights in my house…it’s dark and dreary out there…and would be in here without electricity.

          Still, there’s really nothing I can do about what’s outside, so I need to address myself, i.e., “Self, get off your ass and get busy!!!”, so I think that’s what I’ll CHOOSE to do.

PLANTING FOR SPRING

 

          Someone should pat me on the back. I worked very hard yesterday in the cold planting fifty-four bulbs. Twelve of them were three varieties of alliums and the other bulbs were lilies. I can’t wait to see them in full bloom next summer, but I’ll be watching for them to pop up long before that. You see, I made myself a map so I’ll know what I planted where…aren’t I just a genius!!!

          On the back side of the water feature I planted three pretty woman tree lilies. I can’t remember what they looked like in the catalog, but I know they have to be gorgeous or I wouldn’t have ordered.

          Alongside the deck and water feature I planted ten Stargazer lilies which should, I hope, make my deck smell delightful. While I love the scent, I’m hoping it won’t be too strong. I also planted another ten stargazer lilies just west of the old broken bird bath…wonder if I can obtain a new bowl for it?

          Adjacent the north side of the deck, I planted eighteen Asian lilies. I don’t know what colors because they were “mixed,” but that’s okay because they’ll undoubtedly be gorgeous.

          I placed five of the alliums, two of them giant, just a bit behind and to the right of the water feature. I added another three adjacent that are a different allium. The final seven which were also labeled as giant alliums, were placed on the north side of the walkway in front of the Karlberg Memorial Apple Tree.

          Once I get my dahlias moved from where they’re now located…probably next spring…I’ll have a garden full of blossoms like never before. Of course, I shouldn’t count my blossoms before they bloom because who knows what can happen over the winter…fingers crossed.

          Oh, yes, I used a new tool for planting this year. It is a auger that attached to my drill. Once I figured out how to get it on to the drill and installed a fresh battery, digging those holes went so fast and so much better than every other method I’ve tried over the years. If you see one for sale, grab it up…it’s worth every single penny.

          Boy am I happy with me, myself and I. We did a great job and now must be patient. Of course, if the next six months goes by like the last ten months, I’ll be cutting lilies very soon.

LETTING STUFF GO

         

      Today, I think my heart feels lighter as will my home come this weekend. You see, I made the not so difficult choice to “let go” of some of the stuff I’ve been hanging on to. Why I hung on to this stuff for so long, I’m not exactly sure, but I finally decided it was definitely time.

          It began with all the various things I saved once John passed. There were books, collector items (maybe), and a variety of other things I had every intention of putting on either E-Bay or Buy-Nothing. I managed to do that with a very few items, but somehow just never got around to the rest.

          So, I called the sons once I’d pretty much boxed up most of it. The elder came and took the two duck stamp display frames since he inherited all the duck stamps. He also took a couple of patches, one of which says, “FUCK,” and that’s destined for the granddaughter (perhaps her favorite word).

          The other son will be here this coming weekend to haul away all the other stuff. Meanwhile, I opened another closet and saw all the Partylite snow globes I haven’t displayed for I don’t know how many years. The elder daughter-in-law was/is a Partylite consultant and has way more than I ever collected. So, I offered it to the other daughter-in-law. Younger son will haul all of those home as well. He said he thought the grandson might like to have them. In any case, another big shelf will be empty by the end of the weekend.

          Just today, I offered the younger son all the VHS tapes and DVDs because I don’t have a machine that will play either format. And, yes, I’d love to watch Chicago just one more time, or all of the Fellowship of the Rings movies, but I also know I can obtain any movie online from a variety of formats. More empty space by the weekend.

          I also have a twin bed that needs to find a new home which no one in the family wants/needs. I’m going to offer it on Buy-Nothing with all the bedding, frame and headboard. Then, I’ll be down to just one twin bed which will go into the room I’ve been using for my driftwood…whenever I manage to go in there and do something.

          The impetus of all this isn’t the fact I’m turning eighty, but the need for a room where I can work on my driftwood.  I just don’t want to get sawdust all over every single thing in the room or house. Once the room is empty except for a big table, lamp, chair and whatever else I’ll need, I’ll be able to shut the door and keep the dust in that room.

          The room I’m planning to use as my workshop now contains a bed, nightstand and dresser. Once the other twin bed is gone, I’ll move those things into the smaller room. I’ve already moved my spring/summer clothes and other stuff I need to store into that room’s closet. And, speaking of closets, I went through mine and purged a couple boxes of clothes I haven’t worn in a very long time…it was hard to part with some of my favorite things, but it needed to be done. In addition, there’s a bookcase in that room that can hold all the various do-dads I’m not ready to part with just yet.

          I’m not sure I understand just how I’m feeling with all these plans in motion. I also don’t understand why all of a sudden I’m willing to part with all this “stuff,” and yet, I most definitely am. On reflection, I think I’m feeling just fine about this “letting go.” Everything that’s on its way out the door is absolutely nothing I absolutely need…want maybe, but not seriously want. Rooms and shelves may be a little more empty by this time next week, but I think my heart has expanded as I’ve let go.

DARK DAYS AND HOLIDAYS

 

Well, here I am at the beginning of my least favorite times of the year. I seriously believe I was meant to live some place where the sun shines most of the time and the temperatures are temperate. I absolutely love sun and warmth and the northwest isn’t famous for lot of that, plus I haven’t addressed the fact the days are going to become short, with the sun disappearing by 4:00 pm for days or months on end.

          Then, there’s the fact it’s also the beginning of the “holiday” season. I’ve thought for some time now that it would be wonderful to leave here on November 1^st and not return until March 1^st. I have no idea where I would go or what I would do even if I could afford to absent myself. I know there were years, maybe decades, when the holiday season was something to which I looked forward. Of course, I was ever so much younger then, my husband, parents and grandmother were all alive and my kids were small. Somehow, having become the elder has removed most of the fun from the holiday season.

          So, okay, the next six months won’t be my favorite time of year, but what can I do that will help me get through the short gray days and the demands thereof. I need to think about that and concentrate on the positives this time could and, hopefully, will bring…there have to some, don’t you think?

          I’ve changed my bed over to the down comforter. I love the weight of the comforter and how it seems to hug and warm me. Even though I would have been way too hot during the best days, and enjoyed the lightweight comforter, I did miss my downy. I love snuggling into my bed on these cooler nights and I’m sure it will be absolutely delightful when Jack Frost and Mr. Winter arrive.

          Halloween is just down the road and I do have decorations. There are four witches in front, three stuck into my big flowerpots and one swinging from a hook. There’s a ghost I made from an old white sheet…spray painted big black eyes on it. I put an empty hanging basket through the top and s/he sways in the wind. Kuma didn’t like the small figure I put on the front porch. It moves and says various things like, “Happy Halloween.” Kuma found it scary initially and still has to stop and sniff each time he goes by.

When I went through the Halloween box brought down from the attic, I also found all the cardboard signs and skeleton I bought fifty-plus years ago. Only the skeleton is being utilized and he hangs on the front door. I left the other stuff in the box, but among what was/is in there, I found the two witches AJ made in grade school, as well as a number of decorations made by Thor. Since I’m not using them, I ought to return them to the now grown artists.

So, I guess you could say I’m ready for that first holiday; or will be once I buy a bag of candy. With less than fifteen trick-or-treaters, that’s about all I need which also means I won’t be tempted to eat a lot of candy. Somehow, I just cannot buy the candy I don’t like…wonder why that is???

After Halloween, is my birthday. I’ll be eighty this year and don’t yet know if the kids are planning an event to celebrate. Maybe I should plan my own event??? Several friends have asked about my plans and want to take me to lunch or dinner. If there’s one event with a cake, that would suffice. I told the kids last year that I didn’t need anything for my birthday then, that they could save up for a big bash this year. Guess time will tell if they listened.

Next is Thanksgiving. I haven’t yet talked to anyone about this, but I did make the dinner last year and had my eldest son and his family here. My youngest son’s wife prefers to cook their turkey, although I seem to remember it was actually my son that cooked last year…how nice to know he can do that. And, of course, the kids always come back the following day for leftovers, so that’s fun too. Plus, there’s nothing like a turkey sandwich or leftover dressing with gravy. I think I’m making myself hungry.

All too soon, it’s Christmas, although I’ll probably decorate right after Thanksgiving. I have a small fake tree that l can put together myself. Out of all the boxes of Christmas stuff in the attic, I only need one or two. Those hold the tree decorations and wrapping materials. The rest of the boxes with all the other decorations can remain in the attic as they’ve done the past few years. Even all the snow globes that live in the hall closet will remain there. It’s simply too much to utilize every single thing I’ve acquired in the last fifty-nine years. Maybe at some point, the stuff in these boxes will be prized by my grandkids.

Christmas Eve will be spent alone with just Kuma. Christmas day will find me cooking up four pounds of bacon to take to AJ’s and Angie’s for the annual brunch, provided the ritual continues. Once again, Thor and his family will remain in their home for their own holiday celebration.

When I think back to holiday celebrations of the past, I remember so many Thanksgivings and Christmases where my house was filled with people, love, laughter and happy voices. I miss those holidays, love all the memories, but the changes are understandable; and I now know how my mother felt when I usurped her position as the family hostess. What goes around comes around so they say and unfortunately “they” are right.

          Following Christmas is New Years. Once again, I’ll most likely be in bed by the time the new year rolls in…I may even be awake. It’s been decades since I attended any parties where there was a lot to drink, comradery and kisses at midnight that didn’t all originate with my husband. Those were always so fun…the parties and, okay, the kisses too. But it’s just fine to be home alone in my own bed with my dog. I can’t imagine any wild parties at my age, and the idea of kissing some old guy leaves me absolutely cold.

          The next and final holiday which isn’t actually isn’t a holiday is Valentine’s Day. John and I met the day before Valentine’s Day, so we always celebrated the thirteenth rather than the actual day. Since John’s been gone, I’ve made my way to See’s and bought myself the box of chocolates he always gave me. They still taste just as good. I do miss trolling through the cards and choosing a special one for John. I used to buy and send cards for all the kids and grandkids, but I gave that up some time ago. So, I may have chocolates, but no cards and that’s just fine.

          The above gets me through the holiday season and most of winter. Were I to be off somewhere in the sun during these various days, each one would be just another day at the beach. No cooking, shopping, wrapping, or participating in any of the annual rituals. Instead, there would be long, lazy days in the sunshine with some really good books.

          Why don’t I do this you ask? Well, there are multiple reasons, i.e., I would miss my family and think maybe I’d miss the holidays too. Then, there’s the expense. Sure, I could afford it, but I have no idea how many more years I’ll live, so I feel like I need to be cautious with my spending. Most of all, however, is the guilt I think I’d feel at leaving everyone behind. Or course, I’m automatically assuming they’d miss me and potentially be annoyed by my absence. Still, just imagine…I’d have all that time alone in that luscious warm weather, just me, myself, and I. Guess that would be kinda selfish and not at all in the holiday spirit.

LIFE IS SO MUCH BETTER...NOT!!!

          

 Honestly, wasn’t life a lot simpler when there were fewer devices for us to use in our daily lives. I’m sure some might disagree with me, but after the last couple of weeks, I’d be happy to return to bank accounts that use only paper, mail you a statement each month and have several simple credit cards for a variety of usages. This is due, of course, to my having fraud perpetrated on not one, but two of my credit cards…the ones I use most often of course.

          I know my eyesight is getting bad compared to where it was a year or so ago. I also know that it will be better next year once they “harvest” the cataracts on my eyes. Meanwhile, why does every single company with whom I interact in some fashion have to provide me with statements in teeny-tiny print. And, okay, I’m the one printing them out and there’s probably a way to change the font, but why should I have to do that.

          All this complaining is to confess that I looked at my last statements from the credit cards that were cancelled and reissued to make sure I went online and updated all the automatic payments so the charges would go to one of the new credit cards. Well, my eyesight failed me.

          First, I received an email from my health provider that the charge for October hadn’t gone through. I tried to rectify that by using the link that email provided. It was a site I didn’t believe I’d ever been to before. There were login boxes, but nothing I put in those boxes worked. There was also an area where I could register for a new account, but none of the information I provided there worked either.

          So, I just finished talking to my health provider’s office. Once the person there understood what I was talking about, she in turn passed me on to the company that does the charging for the coverage. This was another ten minutes (or more) spent waiting for the person there to check on whether or not I did have an account. Well, damn me, if I didn’t, but I certainly didn’t have any login information or even a memory of signing up for the account. All this time, I thought my health provider made those arrangements.

          So, back online with the correct sign-in information and “temporary” pass word, I was able to get into the account create a new password and provide the new credit card information. I think back to those dark ages when I’d simply go to the bank and have someone help me with a minimum dispensation of my time.

          But I wasn’t quite done. Netflix was also on that cancelled credit card. This change was quite easy, however. I just signed in, was greeted with a choice of retry the current card or provide a new card. This took me maybe two minutes.

          And, yes, I know, this was all my own fault because I didn’t check out the companies who actually perpetrated the frauds. But again, back in the dark ages, it wouldn’t have been possible for those companies to commit the fraud because by the time I looked at all the “paper” provided, I would have known to put it in the shredder…oh wait, we didn’t have shredders then because we simply threw all that stuff into the garbage.

          So, yes, life is so much simpler and better now…don’t you agree???

FIRST ANNOYANCE OF THE DAY

          

 To say I’m just a bit annoyed would be like saying the ocean is wet. My doctor put me on Jardiance because I have diabetes and take no other medication for this malady. Since this is a “new” medicine, I have to pay out of pocket and it’s a little over $100 for a three-month supply. That’s okay and I can afford it although I’m not yet sure this medication is doing much of anything about my A1C levels, but I’ll be having a blood test this week and find out.

          What I find most annoying is the fact that the prescription doesn’t call for me to take a 25 milligram table. No, the prescription says I should take only 12.5 milligrams per day. What does that mean?  It means that I have to CUT each and every one of those tablets in half. Why the company cannot produce 12.5 milligram tablets is beyond me…probably too expensive and the pharmaceutical company is far too POOR to allow for this production.

          The tablet cutter is designed to cut anything from a small to a large pill. This means I have to line up the pill so there is a fair chance it is cut in half evenly. FAT CHANCE!!! No matter how hard I try to position that fucking pill, it rarely is cut evenly. And, do you have any idea how long it takes to halve ninety pills…way too long.

          But, now that I’ve expressed my huge annoyance through my fingers, it’s time to get up out of this chair and attempt to get on with my day. And, at least it will be another 180 days before I have to be annoyed by this process once again. Hmmm, wonder if this annoyance raises my blood pressure? I’m sure there’s a pill for that too. Would it need to be halved as well?

          Time to take several DEEP BREATHS and get on with the day.